I was sitting in the kitchen, staring at the phone. All I had to do was pick it up and call her. But I was putting her in trouble. Although she was and will always be my best friend. She will probably hate me for not talking to her for a year. I hoped she would understand that I did that to protect her, but I guess you never can protect people as much as you want. As my eyes continued to stare at the phone my nerves started acting up and I began to sweat. I knew that when I called her my number would be blocked but he might still find me. Now I wasn’t as concerned for my own wellbeing, I just knew that if he thought she knew anything… He would do anything to get that information. He wasn’t the kind of person who stayed in one place for that long.

I tried not to think as I picked the phone up and dialled the familiar number. As I pressed call I took a deep breath and waited for someone to answer. Several tones went through and nothing. When I was about to hang up she picked up. She was out of breath but I knew it was her.

“Yeah?” She was breathing hard as if she had been running.

“Hi, I’m calling for Sophie.” I spoke in Swedish with her and it felt weird but at the same time right.

“Yeah this is her.” She sounded kind of annoyed and I actually expected that, she hated when strangers called her cell. I stayed quiet for a very long time before I spoke. I didn’t know what to say to her, I missed her so bloody much.

“I’m so sorry, Soph.” I almost whispered and my voice whimpered a little. I felt the tears start down my cheeks as I waited for her response. The line went dead and I looked at my phone to check if she was still there. After about a minute I heard her let out a breath.

“Johanna?” Her voice was so fragile and I heard her start to sniffle too. I smiled through my tears and nodded, even though she couldn’t see me.

“Yeah, it’s me.” She started crying even harder and I did too. This was like we were sitting in the same room and I hated the fact that I couldn’t hug her. “I am so sorry, Soph.”

“I am so happy right now!” She laughed through the crying and I let out a small laugh too. “I thought you were dead, Jo.” She whispered and I felt my heart break.

“I know. I thought it was best for you if I didn’t speak to you.” I heard her sigh and I could picture her nodding her head.

“I know, Jo. He came here around my sisters graduation.” I took a deep breath and spoke with careful words.

“He didn’t do anything did he?”

“No, my father were there so he couldn’t have. He asked where you were though. When I honestly told him I didn’t know he left right after that.”

“Gosh, I am so sorry for dragging you into this Soph.”

“Hey! You have done absolutely everything for me to be safe, you gave up yourself for the ones you love.” Her little speech made me think about my mother. I had stopped talking to her too, but I knew Sophie talked to her. I really wanted to ask how she was but didn’t dare. “She’s fine. I now you wondering, you always worry when you get that quiet.” I laughed at how well she knew me. I loved her with all my heart.

“Thank you.” She grunted in response and I knew she was now lying down. She always did that when we talking for hours before.

“I miss you, Johanna.” I sighed and tried away the leftover tears on my cheek.

“I miss you too. I’m not me when I’m not with you.” I actually meant those words but she laughed at me.

“Gosh, you are so corny!” I laughed with her. I stood up from the kitchen chair and went to the couch. I laid on it and laughed a little more.

“Well, you love me for it!” We laughed for several minutes more and then she cleared her throat. I felt the mood drop but I knew we had to have this talk.

“So where are you?” I sighed and pinched my nose.

“You are not going to believe this, but I’m in London.”

“What?!” She screamed and I felt my eardrums burst. I laughed at her reaction and ‘mhm’ed in the phone. “How the fuck did that happen? Are you working there or just visiting?” I laughed.

“Is it business or pleasure?” She laughed with me and finally I cleared my throat. “I’ts actually business. I got a teaching job here and I needed to get out of Sweden so…” I smiled at the fact that my dreams were kind of coming true, I have always wanted to work or just live in London.

“OMG Jo! That is so amazing! I actually don’t have a hard time believing that because you always were the more ambitious one of us.” I laughed and shook my head at her crazy statement.

“That is so not true and believe it or not but that isn’t the craziest part.” I let my words die out a little as she made a sound for me to continue. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. “I’m roomie with Louis and Harry from One D.” I heard her snort and I knew she didn’t believe me.

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t believe you.”

“Sorry, but it’s true. I was looking for an apartment in the newspapers, they have this section for that kind of stuff here, and there it was. It was a super cheep room and it was down town, the only catch was that there weren’t any names on the ad. So I called the number that was posted there and tada! I now live with them.” She laughed when I said tada and then she sighed slightly.

“Well I guess it’s true then… But is that really a good idea? What if your picture end up online?” She sounded concerned and I loved her for it.

“Yeah, I know. I’ve talked to the guys and I can’t be seen with them outside and no one is to know I live here. So you can’t speak of it to anyone!” I spoke with a fake serious voice and she gasped.

“That was mean, Johanna. I would never tell anyone!” I laughed and sighed again.

“Even though I love talking to you and I feel really bad, all of this isn’t why I called you.” I felt my voice becoming hesitant and I waited for her answer.

“You got boy trouble huh?” I laughed and nodded.

“Yeah I do.” I waited a couple of seconds before continuing. “It’s Louis, actually.”

“What? Okay, spill everything!” I laughed but did as she told me.

“Ever since I met him three weeks ago, yeah I know I moved in with them fast, he has been acting weird around me. At first he was really rude and then he was really nice. Which kind of confused me because I am not good with signals.” She laughed and I just rolled my eyes. “Anyway, this morning when I wake up I hear singing in the kitchen. When I walk out I find Louis dancing around singing while making pancakes. He started singing ‘How to save a life’, you know by The Fray, and I was totally mesmerized.
He caught me staring and begins to act all sweet to me. Offers to make me tea and asked me if I wanted pancakes. I got annoyed, since he always acted so hateful towards me and now he was all lovey dovey. I snapped at him and he told me he wasn’t happy with Eleanor.” I took a deep breath and continued. “He practically told me he was falling in love with me, and I am now freaking out. What should I do?” I whined into the phone and Soph let out a long ‘hmmmm’. I waited for her to think as I sat there on the couch alone.

“Let me ask you a question. Are you completely healed from HIM?” I knew who she was talking about and as I took a shaky breath I pushed the thoughts away.

“No, not even close to being.”

“Honey, you know what to do. You just have to face the fact that you have to put yourself first right now. Stop thinking about other people.” I let out the breath I was holding and nodded to her words.

“Thank you Soph.”

“You know I love you! And call me more often, damnit! I got to go but I miss you!”

“Alright, love you too and miss you more.” I made stupid kissing noises in the phone as she hung up. I pulled the phone away from my ear and placed it on the living room table. After that I laid myself on my side and felt the tears come once more.

I stayed like that for minutes longer, I might have stayed like that for hours, because when I heard the door open it felt like only minutes. I sniffled one last time and tried to dry my eyes, but failed. As soon as I sat up and looked at the person who were standing by the door that said person ran over to me. Unfortunately it was Louis who had come home and when he was now holding me close to his body I found myself longing for this. I mentally shook myself and pulled back from him.

“Are you alright?” He looked at me with worried eyes and I shook my head.

“I need to talk to you.” He looked at me as he reached his hand out to grab mine. I pulled back so that he would understand that I didn’t want to touch him.

“Okay, talk.” He nodded for me to start and just sat there staring at me.

“I am not ready for you to know about my past, I don’t know you that well yet. But I have stuff I need to sort out before I can focus on another person.” I looked down at the phone and smiled. “I just finished speaking to a person that I haven’t spoken to in a year, and I agree with her. It’s time I focus on me and that’s what I’m going to do.” When I looked up at him he was smiling and nodding.

“I might not understand but kind of get it.” He stood up and started to walk into the kitchen. He stopped in his tracks and turned back to me. “But can I at least get to know you a little?” I laughed slightly and nodded.

“Yeah, sure you can.” He gave me a bright smile and walked away.