Save Your Heart
Six days. It’s been six days. Six bloody days that I’ve known where to find her, and I’ve done absolutely nothing about it. Was a just a coward? Or was there some other explanation to explain why I was torturing myself like this? I’ve been busy, I guess I could use that as an excuse. We’re starting work on the next album, that’s exciting. But unfortunately, not as exciting as the fact that Anna was in London. Nope, nothing was as exciting as that. I literally could think of nothing else. Ever.
“Are you even listening?” Louis asked.
“Great, i’ll take that as a no. I was saying that I think you should try and look for a place kinda close to here.” I nodded, feeling bad for ignoring him. I mean, he was trying to help me. I was moving out and was searching for a new flat. I loved living with Louis. But we saw each other nearly every second of the day at this point. I needed somewhere I could go and just be by myself sometimes. Plus, Eleanor was basically moved in here. So it just seemed like the right time to make the switch.
“Yeah, I totally agree.” He just gave me a look. “I’m sorry! I’m listening now, I promise.”
“That’s all I had to say. Oh yeah, and that your girlfriend called.”
“WHAT?!” I swear to god, my heart stopped. I looked at Louis with wide eyes, wondering why the hell he would wait more than ten seconds to tell me something like this-
“Carrie.” He said flatly, giving me that sympathetic look a lot of people have bene giving me lately. “You thought I meant Anna?” He sighed.
“I mean- I didn’t- No, I just-” He knew he was right.
“Here’s an idea- call her.”
“You know she doesn’t want me to.”
“How do I knwo that?”
“It’s obvious! It’s been nearly a week. If she wanted to see me or talk to me, she would’ve tried by now.”
“That’s not the point! You want her back, correct?”
“Okay then, fucking do something about it! If she’s not going to make the first move, you need to. Instead of sitting around here moping. Really mate, it’s getting depressing.”
“I know.” I groaned, frustrated mostly with myself. I was being stupid, and immature. And I hated the pathetic person I was turning into.
* * *
“I wanna do something fun. I wanna go out.” I whined, flopping down onto the couch next to Danielle. She was reading the new Company magazine, tugging on her long dark curls aimlessly.
“Where do you wanna go?” She said, not looking up from the magazine.
“I don’t care. Just somewhere I can dance. And drink. Dancing and drinking. That’s what I need.”
“I’ve got a place.” She stll didn’t look up.
“What? That easily? How?!”
“I just know of somewhere we could go.”
“So, I could’ve told you this 5 days ago, and you would’ve already had it all planned out. Yet, you let me sit around here for nearly a week feeling sorry for myself.”
“Well, I thought I was being a good friend and letting you figuring things out at your own pace. But I guess your way works too.” She finally looked up at me, smirking.
“Thanks. By ready at 8!” She giggled, calling to me as I went back into my temporary room, aka Danielle’s guest room. The suitcase I had taken hours to pack perfectly was now a complete disaster, clothes in messy piles, rather than folded the way I had hoped I would be abel to keep it. A shifted through a pile, eventually retrieving the skirt I had been hoping I remembered to pack in this suitcase, rather than in one of the boxes that were being shipped over. I don’t know where this random urge to get completely wasted and go crazy came from, but I didn’t really care. I hated how much I was thinking about Harry, pining over him, wondering where he was and what he was doing. I needed to take my mind off of it.
I wanted to go out, I wanted to get drunk, I wanted to dance, and I wanted to wear this kick-ass
* * *
“Alright, we need some more shot’s of Zayn!” The photographer was snapping away with his big fancy camera, shoving it in my face every two seconds and tell me to look more ‘broody’ or ‘less with the eyes’. I had no clue what he was talking about, but I was trying my best.
Liam and I sat on one of the couches, taking out our phones. Niall was getitng fitted, and Louis was making himself a cup of tea from craft services. Liam was typiing furious on his phone. And while I had 34 unread text’s from the past 2 hours, I didn’t open any of them. Because none of them were from her.
“What if I told you I knew where you could find Anna tonight?” Liam said suddenly, resting his phone in his lap.
“What? Are you kidding me?!”
“Nope. Danielle is taking ehr out to that club The Loft. I think she told me because she knew I would tell you.”
“I thought Danielle sorta hated me now...”
“She might’ve bene mad at you for hurting her best friend, but she know’s you’re not a bad guy.”
Wow, I really needed to remember to thank Danielle for this one. “Do you want me to tell everyone else?” Liam asked.
“No. No, I don’t think that’s the best idea. I don’t want any distractions, you know?” Liam nodded, typing on his phone, presumably a response to his girlfriend. “I would’ve thought you were done trying to help me with this stuff with Anna.” I siad, smirking a little. He just chuckled.
“You may be an idiot sometimes. But I can tell it matters. So i’m gonna help you.”
* * *
“Holy shit, Anna! You look so hot!” Danielle screeched when I left the bathroom, fully dressed and ready to go. The outfit was a bit out of my comfort zone. Actually, more like a lot. I had bought the skirt a month or two ago, when I was feeling extra rebellious towards my mother. We had had some stupid fight, so I stormed out and went and bought this insanely expensive leather skirt that was so not me, but I had been looking at for weeks. It was short and tight. Two things my mom immediately hated. Tonight, I paired it with a black sheer crop top thing from Topshop, and a maroon velvet bralette that you could see underneath the shirt. I was almost at average height in my black suede wedges, and I had embraced my messy blonde waves, giving my hair a few spritzes of surf spray, making them even more wild than usual. It was out there, it was a hey-look-at-me outfit. But I felt good. And right now, that’s all that mattered.
“Thanks! You look great. Liam’s gonna die.” She just smiled, shaking her head. Always so modest.
“So, where are we going?!”
“We’re meeting El and Perrie at The Loft.”
“No, it’s called The Loft. It’s a club. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
So, apparently everyone in London had heard about ‘The Loft’. The space was completely jam packed. You could barely walk three feet without running into someone. But the music was loud and the drinks were good, and that was all I really cared about.
“VODKA CRANBERRY PLEASE!” I yelled in the direction of the bartender. He gave me a strange, suggestive wink before making my drink. A few seconds later, a drink was placed in front of me. I handed him a bill, but he just smiled and turned away.
Two drinks later and I was already feeling a buzz. I pushed myself off of the bar, walking through the crowd of people until I spotted Danielle.
“WE NEED TO DANCE!!” I screamed. I would’ve brought the other two girls too, but they were nowhere to be seen. So instead; Me, with my limited skills was forced to go with Danielle, a professional, onto the dancefloor.
“ARE YOU OKAY?!” I yelled into her ear. As we jumped around with the rest of the drunk people, I noticed her looking around a lot, trying to look over the heads of the people in the crowd, like she couldn’t find someone.
“PERFECT!” She smiled, smiling as she copied my spaztic moves, making them look a million times better than I ever could.
After a few songs, I was ready for another drink. The bar was still crowded, but I was able to squeeze through to the front.
“2 shots of Tequila and a lime wedge please.” I ordered, waiting impatiently. When they arrived, I downed one in .5 seconds, putting the lime between my lips to counteract the burining in my throat. But before I had a chance to grab the second glass, someone had stolen it. A guy.
“Um, excuse me?!” I said, anoyed out of my mind. That had cost six fucking pounds.
“Sorry. Thought you ordered it for me.” The guy said, slapping the glass back down on the counter.
“No you didn’t.”
“You’re right. I didn’t. I just needed an excuse to talk to you. You might be the hottest girl in here.” This guy was drunk, very drunk. And I was getting there. But even now, a complete strangers compliment made me blush.
“So you had to steal my drink?” I asked, putting a hand on my hip.
“Apparently.” This guy thought he was so smooth. But I guess he was good looking. More in like a frat boy way, which was never really my thing. But I didn’t care. Or, I wasn’t supposed to... I wasn’t really sure right now. So, I didn’t listen to my head. Instead, I just gave him a smirk that I hope show confidence. “So what am I gonna do now without that drink?”
“How about I buy you another drink. Then you let me take you out on that dancefloor.”
“Sound’s like a plan.”
What was I doing?
Who was this?
Who was I pretending to be?
Why did it matter?
Oh yeah, it doesn’t.
So, this guy, who apparently had a name that started with a J, has been buying me drinks and trying to get me to dance with him for almost half and hour now. I was a little more than tipsy at this point, so I finally gave in. He placed his hand on the small of my back, dangerously close to my ass, and led us through the crowd. When a particularly fast song began he started dancing really close to me, his body pretty much rubbing against mine. It was strange, but I just went with it. I started moving too, my hair whipping around as I did so. He grabbed my hip roughly, pulling me against him. My ass rubbed against his crotch suddenly, which he pressed me to do more of. This was all going so fast, I didn’t even have time to question it. He was gripping me fairly tightly, tight enough that I couldn't easily move in any way that he didn’t want me to. I should be a little nervous, but I couldn’t be. I needed to be this person, the person who didn’t care about what’s right, and her feelings, or any of the shit that got me into this mess..
And then, just as I was deciding to let go completely, I felt someone else grip my wrist, yanking me away. My eyes flew open. All I saw was crowds of people and the arm of whoever was pulling me out of the main room of the club. My head was spinning and everything was blurry, I could barely walk properly. But right now, if I didn’t just keep putitng one foot in front of the other, we would have a very big problem. But as I walked, I looked up from watching the ground to see the tall frame of the person still gripping onto me. I looked them up and down. I knew who this was.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I bellowed, slamming the door so Anna and I were left alone in a small supply room. There was light and sound equipment, cases of cups, all the things you needed on hand to run a club. I turned around to see Anna standing in front of me, swaying slightly. She was so drunk. But god, she looked fit... I had tried my best to forget these things about her; her blonde hair that fell down ehr shoulders and her back, her full pink lips, her body that practically was begging for me to touch it. But now, with them laid out in front of me, I knew I never could really forget.
“Why did you do that?!” She asked, trying to sound angry but managing to sound more sleepy with a slight irritation. She leaned against the side of a table, look at the ground.
“BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING SO STUPID, ANNA! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT OUT THERE?!”
“I was trying to, have fun.... I was trying to forget...”
forget about what?
I was dying to ask that question. but I couldn’t. I didn’t.
“So you go out there and grope some disgusting pig?!”
“I don’t know...” She finally looked up at me, pain and tears in her eyes. I was angry, but I hadn’t wanted to make her cry.
I took a deep breath, taking a few steps towards her. Being this close, I noticed all of the small details that I always noticed, yet sometimes took for granted. She had some flecks of gold in the midst of her blue eyes. And there was a streak of hair in the front that was almost brown, although the rest was it’s natural blonde. Right now, with messy hair and flushed cheeks, I couldn’t look away.
“This isn’t you.” I stated simply.
“All of this; going out and getting trashed, letting some disgusting random guy grope you... None of it is you.”
“Maybe you don’t know who I am anymore.” Her words slashed through me like a knife. It killed to hear her say that, even if the only reason she did was because of the amount of drinks I had watched her consume throughout the night. I had been standing off to the side for a while, watching in agony as every guy in this place stared at her, bought her drinks, and tried to get her to notice them. I remember when she was with me, and I would notice guys checking her out. I hadn’t iked it, but the best part was that none of them had her. I did. Now, that wasn’t the case at all.
“I do. I know you. I know you better than anyone. And you don’t have to admit it, but we both know it’s true.” Instinctively, I took two steps closer so we were now millimeters apart. I heard her take in a shaky breath.
“Stop it, Harry...”
“Stop, getting in my head. Stop telling me all the things I was dying to hear FOUR MONTHS AGO!” I was taken aback by her forwardness, but not that shocked. We had never had a real discussion about what happened. And although this might not be the right place or time to do it... who really cares?
“What do you want to hear from me?” I asked bravely, nervous for her answer.
She sniffled, a tear falling to her cheek but quickly wiped away with the back of her hand.
“I want you to tell me what happened to us... I can’t understand it. I was so broken, I had no one. You just, cut me out of your life. Not that I was even a big part of it at that point... And you- you spent all of last year making me think that you actually cared, but you didn’t, and you don’t, and it hurts so. fucking. much!” She gained confidence as she continued speaking. With every emphasized word, she pushed my shoulders with as much force as she could muster. But by the end, she was hitting me with the palms of her hands, tears threatening to spill over.
She stopped, hands still pressed to my chest, her eyes boring into mine. “So I don’t really think it’s fair for you to get angry with me for trying my best to move on from what’s been the hardest time of my entire life.” She still didn’t move her hands, and she still didn’t step away from me. We were so close, I could smell her familiar perfume and see her hands shaking slightly.
“I’m - sorry.” I said quietly, feeling like the worst person in the world. “I just - I’m sorry. But do you understand how crazy you make me? Can’t you tell how much I still care for you?” Her face softened, I felt like I might be getting through to her. “Two months ago you ripped my heart out and left it with you in New York, while I traveled the world, feeling empty. And then, I heard you’re coming back. And for almost a week, i’m waiting to hear something from you. Anyhting. And it never happened. So can you really blame me for getting angry when I see you for the first time in months and you’re with some random guy?”
“Are you insane? Do you think i’m stupid? Like I don’t see the magazines or the articles about the number of girls you’ve been with? I’m not stupid, Harry. I’ve seen them all. How do you think that makes me feel? To know that I can be replaced so easily by someone else?” I felt the small level of confidence I had had a second ago completely dissolve. Anna’s hands slipped from my shoulders.
“No one could ever replace you. No one.” I cupped her face in my hands, wishing she could understand how honest I was being. “- Those girls, are nothing. I was hurting, I was stupid and self destructive. If I could take it back, I would. And I am so, so sorry that you had to see that. I don’t know what I was thinking... I’m, an idiot. I love you, Anna. I’ve always loved you, I never stopped. And I want to be here for you now. I can’t handle being this close to you and not being able to talk to you, or touch you, or kiss you...”
Then, before I could rethink my decision, my head stopped making decisions for me, and I leaned forward, kissing Anna. She took a small step backwards, her back now against the side of the table. I had expected her to pull away, but she didn’t. After a second, her hands gripped onto me desperately, and she kissed me back. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world, to be able to kiss her again. I had thought about it a million times over the past four months. But nothing compared to the real thing. I held onto her waist, having to bend down to reach, but it didn’t matter. Anna’s hands traveled up my back, her fingers eventually winding their way into my hair. She sighed into the kiss, pressing herself against me even more; an open invitation. I carefully lifted her up, placing her on the edge of the table so we were nearly eye-to-eye.
“I’ve missed this so much...” I said, placing small kisses behind her ear. “I thought about you every day...” With my words, I felt her hold onto me tighter, her legs eventually wrapping around my waist. “I love you so much...” She didn’t say anything back, but I almost didn’t care. Well, maybe I did. But I wasn’t going to ruin this moment by asking her what that meant.
“God, Harry... what are we doing?” She whispered as my hand stroked the bare skin of her thigh. I didn’t respond. Because I wasn’t even sure what we were doing. But I couldn’t make myslef care. Because her hands were under my shirt and her tongue was in my mouth and everything about her was so perfect that I’m not sure I could’ve stopped even if I wanted to.
But suddenly, she does just that.
“Wait!” She said, panting heavily. I stepped back as I watched her adjust her skirt and sheer top. God, I couldn’t stop looking at her.... “We can’t- I mean, we shouldn’t do this. I’m sorry-”
“Hold on!” I grabbed her wrist as she hopped of the table, trying to leave. “Anna, please. You can’t leave just like that.”
“Because I know that meant something to you. Maybe not as much as it meant to me, but still, something, right?” But what if it didn’t mean anything to her? What if I wasn’t important to her anymore? What if she really had moved on? I loosened my grip. But just as I was about to let her go, she came back to me. She stood right in front of me, her hands stroking my cheek and her face looking as sad as I suddenly was feeling.
“Of course it does...” She kissed me one more time, before she walked away from me, yet again.
So…. okay, here’s the deal. This chapter didn’t exactly turn out the way I wanted it to. But It’s been a while since i’ve updated and I really wanted to. So I might go back and rewrite some things. But i still hope you enjoy it and are still reading the story :) please let me know what you think / predictions / what you think should be changed in this chapter (like, what you wanted ot happen).
Thanks so much for reading <3
ps. HERE is Anna’s outfit in this chapter