Save Your Heart
“So, you kissed?” Niall and Louis were watching my intensely as I told them about what happened the night before. Liam and his big mouth ended up spilling my plan to the rest of the boys, and now they all wanted to know how it had turned out.
“Yeah, but it was like, something else too...Like, I can’t even explain it.” I sounded crazy and pathetic, but I don’t care. My head had not stopped spinning since the moment I saw her last night. Visions of her with that twat filled my head, but so did ones of her hands all over me and her tongue in my mouth and my lips sucking on her neck...
“You mean you did more than kiss?!” Niall asked.
“No, I mean... I don’t fucking know what I mean. I’m so confused. She just left! What am I supposed to do now, give up?!”
“Do you want to?” Louis wondered.
“No! I can’t, even if I did want to, I could never give up on her.” The things that she had told me last night, about feeling broken and alone, they completely resonated with me. I knew she was feeling that way, and I couldn’t stand it. I still can’t. I want to help, to be able to be there for her. But I was just nervous I was going to screw everything up. So I guess, I pulled away. When she was in New York and I was on tour, it all seemed so much more simple. I hated myself for not calling, or for pretending like I didn’t miss her as much as I did. but I was doing it anyway. And I still don’t know why. It doesn’t make any sense.
“So then what are you gonna do?” Niall asked.
“I haven’t got a clue...”
* * *
“So, you kissed?” Danielle had stayed over at Liam’s last night so she didn’t see me come back to her apartment, curl into a pathetic ball on the couch, and cry my eyes out. She didn’t see the mascara-streaked cheeks, or the ugly sobs, or any of the self pity that took up most of last night, into this morning. But I was good at hiding emotion, so as far as she knew, I was totally fine.
“Yeah...” God, did we kiss. It was like, a million times better than I had remembered. He was perfect, and I wanted nothing more but to take him here and kiss him all night. But that voice in the back of my head, that had been what stopped me. The one telling me that he would hurt me again, or that I shouldn’t be doing this, I knew better, he didn’t care the way he said he did. So I left him, as much as it killed me. But at least I had gotten to tell him all of the things I had wanted to tell him for months. I was finally honest, even if it took a few shots of Tequila and an adrenaline rush to do it. But when I thought about it now, about what had happened and what had been said, the only thing I could think about was kissing him and touching him and being close to him. That’s it.
“Helloooo, you still with me?” Danielle said, bringing me back to life.
“Yeah, sorry. Um, yeah, we definitely kissed. And then I yelled at him. And cried. It was horrible.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t. It sounds like something the two of you should’ve done a long time ago.”
She just looked at me for a second, pursing her lips.
“Just say it, Dani.”
“No, no, it’s nothing-”
“Come on, just say it. I know you want to.”
“Fine. I’m just gonna say it. I’m DYING for you and Harry to get back together. You were both so much happier!”
“I really was, wasn’t I?” I sighed, trying to remember the last time I felt completely happy and content with my life. Every memory I could think of involved Harry.
“You were, and so was he. And ever since all of this shit happened and he turned into a complete idiot, neither of you have been happy, like, AT. ALL. And I hate to see you both like that! So i’m not saying it needs to happen right now, but eventually, I hope it does. You’re meant to be together!”
I’d like to think that Danielle was right. I’d love to think that somewhere in the near future, Harry and I are able to be with each other again. That I would be able to look at him without seeing the person who crushed my heart, or the person who was with that laundry list of girls. And I would hope that we would be able to be together without feeling like either of us were making a mistake.
“Maybe you’re right...”
Of course, I decide to move into the dorms of the hottest day London has had all Summer. It’s boiling out, and no matter what I do, it’s impossible to get away from the blazing heat. So I wore my lightest sundress, put my hair up in a bun, and pulled my massive suitcase all the way downstairs, and into a cab.
“Are you sure you don’t need me to come with you?” Eleanor and Perrie watched as I struggled with my bags, rearranging everything in the backseat so I had a tiny place to sit.
“I’m totally fine, I promise.” And before they could protest, I was gone.
Taking the route back to school was strange, I hadn’t been here in so long.
And eventually, I’m walking through the front door, making my way up to my dorm room. Part of me was glad that we kept our same rooms every year, while the other part wanted a completely new start. The last time I was here was when all five boys, plus Danielle and Eleanor, came and helped me pack up my things, leaving as quickly as we could.
But, when I tried opening my door with the key I had kept, it wouldn’t budge. I tried again, still nothing. There was no one around, no one I could ask for help. So, I went to the only place I knew would have someone present; Headmistress Perkin’s office. And, just like I thought, she was in, as always.
“Miss. Hollis, it’s been quite a while. I wasn’t expecting any students until next week.” She said once her secretary let me in. She was at her desk, glasses perched on her nose as usual, staring down at someones file.
“Yes, um, I wanted to beat the rush. I’ve been back for a while, so I thought I might as well get here early. But I was at my dorm, and my key wasn’t working. I assumed they changed the locks maybe?”
“Yes, they have. There were some issues with students getting each others keys and going into other rooms. but that isn’t the problem with yours. Didn’t you get the letter we sent you? It was sent out weeks ago.” She finally looked up at me, a confused look on her face, like somehow I was the one not making any sense.
“Well, we’re over capacity for boarders this year. There are far too many students and not enough rooms. So, we gave you the option of either not returning to school here, or living off campus and commuting each day. I assumed you had chosen the first option since we never heard back from you.”
“I never got that letter.” I said, stunned.
“We sent it to the address we were given last year, the one you stayed at after-”
“Oh my god.”
“You sent it there. Oh my god.” I usually would never say things like this in front of my school principal, but I was in complete shock. They had sent this letter to Harry, and he never gave it to me.
“Miss. Hollis, please control yourself.” I was pacing around the room, my head spinning and my hands waving in the air as I tried to explain the situation.
“I- I haven’t been there in months, since last year. I thought you knew I went back- And I didn’t know anything was actually sent there- They weren’t home, but now- Oh my god.” I stopped, realizing I must look insane. “Wh-What are my options now?”
“Well, I suppose we could allow you to take your core classes here. But there simply aren’t any housing options available through the school. Would you be able to find someplace off campus to live?”
Without actually thinking it through I responded; “Yes.”
“Lovely, well then I suppose it’s settled. You may take your four core classes here, but unfortunately we don’t offer electives to commuters.”
That meant no more art classes, no more classes where we watched movies and discussed the metaphors and stuff, no more Anthropology classes that consisted of going out into the city and studying people. Those were the best part of being a senior, taking all the fun classes! But now, I wouldn’t even get that. I would be here for 3 hours a day, that’s it. I wouldn’t be in the loop of what was going on, I wouldn’t know about any parties or concerts or anything. I wouldn’t get to hang out with Molly and Keenan and Olly and Bryce. I would be a commuter.
“I, um, I guess that’s really my only option.”
“It seems that way. So, will we see you at Orientation on Wednesday?”
“Lovely, have a nice day Miss. Hollis.” She went back to the document in front of her, finished with our conversation.
And now, there was only one thing I wanted to do.
It was almost scary how easily I remembered my way to Harry and Louis apartment. The only thing that took some time was getting all of my shit into one cab. But once that was done, directing the driver there was the easiest thing in the world. Then, once we were there, I had to do the stupid ‘How Many Bags Can Anna Carry Without Falling Over’ game into the building, the elevator, and down the hall to their front door. I knocked hard, praying someone was home so I didn't do all this work for nothing. Thankfully (Or, not thankfully, depending on how you look at it I guess) Louis opened the door, a shocked look on his face when he saw me.
“Holy shit.” He muttered.
“Yes, I know. But I need to talk to your friend. The Curly One. Is he here?”
“Um- I- Yeah, he is. Of course he is.”
“Can I come in?”
“Yeah. Do you, uh, need some help?”
“Sure, thanks.” I considered refusing, something to do with my pride. But who was i kidding, these bags were heavy.
“HARRY, ANNA’S HERE!!” Louis yelled in the direction of his room. The moment I stepped through the door, I knew this had been a mistake. I had too many memories of this place, too many amazing and perfect things that happened here. Ones that were even more prominent than the sad things that happened too.
“Yeah, right good one asshole-” We heard Harry say sarcastically, opening his door and walking down the hall. But when he reached the main room, he stopped dead in his tracks.
“We need to talk.”
“I’ll just... leave you two alone.” Louis said, scurrying into his room as quickly as possible.
“What are you doing here?”
“It doesn’t matter- Where’s your mail?”
“Your mail, from when you were on tour- where is it?”
“Um, I have no idea. I don’t think we’ve gotten it yet.”
“Well where can I get it?”
“Anna, what’s going on?”
“What’s going on is that i’m pretty much homeless! My school sent a letter here when you were away and I was in New York, saying that I could either find another school, or find somewhere to live off campus. And do you wanna guess where they sent it?!” I was getting more and angry as I went on, my voice rising an octave.
“Here.” He said, his voice monotone.
“Yup. Here. So, as you could probably guess, I didn’t get that letter. So now, I have nowhere ot live.”
“Anna, I’m so sor-”
“I don’t want your apology. I just want the letter.”
“Um, I could get it for you, tomorrow I think. I really don’t know. Um, we stopped our mail-”
“Jesus, I really shouldn't have come here. This was so stupid. I- I need to go.” The stupidity of the situation was finally starting to resonate with me. Why was I here? What had I thought Harry could possibly do to help the situation? I tried to grab my bags, failing miserably and having several of them topple over and fall on the ground.
“C’mon, Anna, wait-”
“No, no, I can’t believe I came here. I just thought, I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought. I didn't have anywhere else to go-” I was so stupid, going on and on as I attempted to grab my things and get to the door. but Harry was faster than me, he always had been. So before I even had a chance to reach for the doorknob, he was standing in front of me, blocking my exit.
“What are you doing?” I asked, angry tears filling my eyes.
“I’m stopping you. Because I refuse to let you walk out on my one more time like this. Tell me what happened. That’s why you came here, I know it is. Because that’s what we do, we help each other when we need it. Admit it Anna, you need someone right now. And that someone is me.” He stood his ground, towering over me and speaking with confidence, because he knew just how right he was. So completely correct that it made me sick that he knew me this well. “- You’re so hooked on this idea that you’ll be saving yourself by staying away from me. But we both know that’s not true. The other night proved that.”
“You’re wrong-” I joked out a lie.
“NO! I”M NOT! You’re being INSANE! If you don’t want my help, then why the hell are you here right now?!” He was shouting now, tugging at his hair in aggravation, his brows knitted together. The little creases that formed between them whenever he was really aggravated were prominent. I studied his face as he spoke to me, seeing beauty even now, even when I should be angry with him or upset that he was yelling at me. “- I don’t know what you want me to do?!”
“STOP IT!” I finally yelled back at him, tears spilling over my eyes, streaming down my cheeks. I covered my face with my hands, sobs escaping my throat. “Just STOP it, okay?! I don’t know why i’m here, it was the only place I could think to go! It was the only place I want to be, but THAT’S the problem!” Harry didn’t say anything for a second. But then, when I was trying to figure out a way to get out of this situation without causing myself any more embarrassment, I felt his hand on my back, pulling me into him. And I obliged, falling into his chest, finding comfort in the smell of his shirt and the solid feeling of his body. And as I cried, I knew this was where I needed to be right now. Maybe I would regret it, maybe I would hate myself for it later. But right now, nothing mattered.
Ahh oh my godd !! I am SO. SORRY this chapter took so long to update. I feel bad for updating my Zayn fic more and mroe recently, it’s completely unintentional. I just write when I get inspiration, and this story is proving to be slightly more difficult. Not that i don’t love it and want to continue writing it, it’s just giving me some writers block. Because I know where I want to take the story, i’m just not totally sure how to get there.
So yeah, sorry for the long disclaimer. But i hope you’re all doing well and having a good weekend!! Please let me know what you think of the story and if you have any suggestions / prediction, I would love to hear them :)
I love you all and thank you so much for reading and not hating me for taking forever, you’re the best <3