Save Your Heart
This had never happened before. I had never made Anna cry. Sure, she’s cried due to things that had to do with me, or things related to us, the media, stupid mistakes I’ve made... but never like this. I yelled at her, and now she was crying into my chest and I was holding her against me and I hated that I had done this to her, but at the same I was glad that I was the one to console her. it was a strange mix of emotions that I knew made no sense. But with Anna, they never did.
“I’m sorry... Shh...Shh... I’m sorry...” I hummed, stroking her back and relishing in the feel of her skin and her hands wrapped around me. Every time we’ve been together since last year, it’s never been like this. It was either ‘tears and goodbyes’ or ‘snogging in the backroom of a club’. But not like this, not touching her like this and having her lean on me in this way. It made me realize how much I missed it, how much I missed her. More than I could ever explain.
“I need to tell you something.” She said suddenly, trying to stop the sobs from escaping her throat.
“What is it?” I asked, continuing to hold onto her, gently tracing patterns onto the bare skin of her back. She pulled away slightly, looking up at me with tear stained cheeks. I took the opportunity to study her. She looked tired, but still beautiful. I caught myself staring at the paper airplane tattoo under her left collarbone. I was brought back to the day she got it. It was something we did together, she had been scared so I held her hand. And then we came back here, and it had been the moment that I knew I needed to tell her about the tour. It was such a perfect memory, one that I’ve thought about a lot. But really, it was the beginning of the end for us. After that, everything seemed to go downhill. I left, and so did she, and now, we were this. Strangers.
“Liam kissed me.” Her words sent me slamming back into reality. My body went rigid, my grip on her instinctively tightening. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. Hard.
“What?” I was going to kill him.
“It was months ago, Harry. When you were in New York. And not that you need an explanation, but it’s nothing like what you’re thinking. It was when he came to talk to me, after that night you showed up at my house. He wanted to see if I would feel anything. Not even anything for him, just anything at all. So he kissed me.”
I had to ask this question, even if the answer would destroy me. “Did you? Did you feel something?” Why else would she be telling me this now if the answer isn't yes.
“Of course not! Are you kidding?!” She stepped away from me. I already missed the feeling of having her that close to me. “Do you seriously think I would do that to you?”
“No- I just- I don’t understand why you’re telling me about all of this now. I’m just, so confused...”
She sighed, “Because. I’ve wanted to tell you since the moment it happened, but I was being stubborn. I didn’t think you needed to know it’s not like we were together. but you should know now. But I’m also, so scared. Because Danielle has no idea.”
“Oh, god...” Now I understood.
“And I hate myself for not telling her, but now I have to, and at the same time basically beg her to let me stay with her for the school year. Either that, or convince my parents to pay for an apartment. But, with the way we left things, I don’t see that happening. I just have no clue what to do-” She started crying again, overwhelmed by too many things at once. I pulled her back into my arms, wishing there was something I could do to fix it all. I wiped the tears from her cheeks, cupping her face in my hands, looking down at this girl. This girl who was so, undeniable to me. She could push me away as many times as she wanted to. She could try and tell me that we shouldn’t be together, not now or not ever. She could kiss other guys, or yell at me, or push me away, or tell me she hates me, or tell me she doesn’t want to love me, or tell me nothing at all. But even then, after all of that, I was still going to want her. That didn’t seem like something that could change. It was always there, in the back of my mind, no matter what I’m doing. She’s always just there. And as she cried in my arms, I realized that this was my opportunity for redemption. This is the chance I have been waiting for, a chance to show her that i’m the same person I was last year, I was still the guy she fell in love with, the guy she could trust. When no one else in her life had stuck around, I was going to. No matter what.
“We can fix this. We can make it alright. I promise. I’m gonna help you. Just, let me be there for you, please.” She continued to cry. But slowly, I felt her move her hands around my neck, playing with the curls at the back of my head, something she always used to do.
“I’m always gonna love you, aren’t I? It’s never gonna go away...” She whispered, gripping me tighter. Her heavy breaths slowed down over time, the tears seemed to cease, but she didn’t move. And I didn’t dare even flinch, or this might all be over. This, whatever this was. This incredible, perfect moment that I had been waiting months for. This was better than the moment in the club, this was better than anything I could’ve imagined.
“Is it selfish if I say I don’t want you to?” I murmured, resting my chin on the top of her head. “Because I’m not sure what I would do if you did...” She sniffed again, trying to hold back tears. “You don’t have to try and be brave around me, you can cry.”
“But I wish I could. Be brave. At least just for once...”
“I don’t mean it like that.” I said, wanting to get this point across to her. “You are brave. You're the bravest person I know, for reason’s I probably told you a million times. I just mean, right now, here. It’s just you and me. So, If you want to let go a little, and stop being so damn brave, just for a minute, that would be alright.” She nodded in understanding, a tiny smile gracing her face.
“I’m sorry for what I did to you, too many things to list. But i’m just so sorry, for everything.”
“Me too.” She spoke so quietly, I had to strain to hear her. “I might act like you’re the bad guy here sometimes, but I’ve done stuff I wish I could take back too. I guess we both have.” I nodded. There were so many questions I wanted to ask her. But I knew better than to push my luck here, so I controlled my instincts.
“If you tell her, and she get’s angry, or anything... You know you can always stay here. Even just for a bit.” She still didn’t let go of me, and I never wanted her to.
“You’re a good guy Harry, you really are.”
I sighed, “Haven’t really been acting like one lately.” My life was a mess in every way possible. I needed to fix things, if not for myself then for Anna. It was the only way she would ever consider taking me back.
“It’s okay. I know it’s still in there." She moved her hand from where it had rested on my shoulder to my chest, placing it over my heart, which had been beating uncontrollably this whole time.
“You still make me nervous” I whispered, she giggled. Then, she took my hand and moved it to be placed on the left side of her chest. Her heart was pounding.
I wanted to kiss her. I felt like I had to, like it was a lifeline. But would that be pushing my luck? Things were going so well, I didn’t dare do anything to screw it up.
We were standing like this, so close I could feel the heat radiating off of her skin, our hands over each other's hearts, for a while. I was staring at her lips, the same ones I had kissed just the other night. But this was different, it felt so much more important.
And then, just as I had built up the courage to lean down, just that half an inch it was going to take-
“Harry?! Am I gonna have to peel your pathetic arse off the floor again or what? Becasue we still have like, seven boxes to fill in your-- Oh.”
Anna quickly stepped away from me, adjusting the strap of her dress which had fallen off her shoulder, wiping her eyes.
“Oh, wow, sorry. Um-” I gave him the most harsh look I could muster, begging him to get the hell out of here, fast. “Sorry guys, I thought- I’m just gonna go-” He rushed back into his room, slamming the door loudly.
I tried to stay angry, but it was impossible with the giggling comign from Anna.
“What’s so funny?” I asked, turning around to see her covering her mouth to muffle her hysterics.
“Just. Louis.” It was all she needed to say to make me crack a smile too. “But what was he talking about, with the boxes?” She asked, ehr tone changing.
“Oh. Um, well, I’m moving out. Letting him take over this place, and I’m looking for someplace kinda nearby.” Her face fell.
“Really? That’s so sad...”
“Why?” I didn’t know she’d care this much.
“I dunno. Like, this place was just, I mean- The first time I ever felt at home in this city. It was here.” We both looked around. I’m not sure what she was thinking about, but I was remembering the memories we had had here. She was right, it had all really happened in this flat.
“Yeah, yeah I guess you’re right....”
“Sorry for getitng all, emotional, and stuff. not that we weren’t already, but, you know-” She was babbling, stopping herslef mid-sentence. “I don’t kno what i’m talking about.” She laughed at ehrself.
We didn’t say anything for a second, but I could tell that she was still surprised with my moving-out announcement. I wanted ot make her feel better, but what could I really do?
“I’m sure if you ask nicely, Louis will let you come and visit it from time to time.” I joked. It made her smile, so that was enough for me.
“So, you haven’t found a new place yet?” She asked, leaning her hip against the back of the couch, crossing her arms.
She was making conversation.
This was... different, to how things were going about a minute ago.
“No, not yet. I haven’t gotten a chance to really go and visit places, just looking online and stuff. But I don’t want to move too far.”
“Of course. You know, just in case Niall needs help reaching something on the top shelf, or Zayn needs you to go on a hair gel run for him.” I let out a loud laugh, shocked by her comeback.
“You don’t get nearly enough credit for your wit.” She just beamed back at me.
“If you want, I could help you look at some places.”
“Yeah! I’m gonna be a commuter student now, so I only have two classes a day. Meaning, I’ll have a lot of free time on my hands. It’ll at least give me something to do. And I mean, It could be fun.”
“That would be- amazing! I’ve been so nervous, I have no idea what to look for, or what’s a good location, or price, or- anything, really.”
“How did you pick out this place?” Her question was a valid one. My response, on the other hand, was slightly embarrassing.
“My mum.” Now it was her turn to crack up laughing.
“Well, Anne seems smart, i’m not sure i’ll be as good of a realtor as her, but I can try.”
“I’m sure you’ll be perfect. As always.” Those last words just slipped out, throwing us both off. She stared at me, wide-eyed and not seeming to know what to say next.
“Yeah- well, I can try I guess. Um, I really should go though.”
“Yeah, okay.” Shit. I really had to ruin the conversation? I really had to block my filter, the one that seems non existent at times like these?!
“I’m gonna go talk to Danielle. So, if I show up at your door in the middle of the night, you’ll know why.” She had a nervous laugh now, different from the genuine one I was hearing so much of a few seconds ago.
“Alright, well, fingers crossed.” I hadn’t specified if I meant I was keeping my fingers crossed that her talk with Danielle went well, or that he actually did end up at my door tonight. I’m not sure I know which one I meant either. “Oh- Anna?!”
“Can I call you, about the house thing?”
“Yeah, of course.” She walked towards the door, still having to pick up all of the bags.
“Um, I still- I still don’t have your new number.” Feeling uncomfortable, I stuffed my hands in my pockets, staring down at the floor. But when I looked up, she seemed just as uncomfortable as me. It was weird that I had no way of contacting her, right?
“Oh, yeah. I forgot. Here-” She pulled out a scrap of paper from one of her bags, retrieving a pen seemingly out of nowhere, and scribbled her number down, slipping it into my hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you earlier. I was being stupid.”
Her eyes softened when they met mine.
I eventually helped her bring all her bags downstairs and stuff them into a cab, which took much longer than expected. How she ever got them all up here on her own, I will never know. And now, I was left to try and comprehend what had just happened. What kind of progress has been made? Something definitely changed between us, but I wasn’t entirely sure what. Were we one step closer to being who we used to be? Or were we ‘friends’? I’m not sure I’m physically or mentally capable to be Friends And Nothing More with Anna Hollis.
So, as Louis forced me to organize or CD and DVD collection to know which were his and which were mine, my head spun with thoughts like this.
Had we just had a truce?
Alright, so, In case you don’t know the dramatic story that goes along with this chapter, here it is;
I wrote this over the past week or so I think. For some reason I was getitng some really good inspiration and it really just wrote itself. So, yay, right?! And today I finished the chapter, and edited it, and was ready to post. So I highlighted it on Google Docs to copy and paste onto my blog. But I accidently pasted first, meaning this whole chapter was replaced with the last thing i copied, hense my mental breakdown earlier. Yes, I am aware that much worse things have and could have happened. But I was already in a bad mood, and I really liked this chapter and was proud of it so i got really really sad when it was all gone and i was going ot have to rewrite this whole thing, because i knew i couldn’t recreate it in the same way. But THEN THE MOST MAGICAL AND WONDERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD APPEARED ON MY DASH AND TAUGHT ME ABOUT REVISION HISTORY AND ALL MY PROBLEMS WERE SOLVED. So, yes, I got the whole chapter back in the end. And i’m sure most of you don’t care about all this, but i just felt the need to share bc it was very dramatic.
anyway, as stated earlier, i really like this chapter so i reallllyyy hope you like it too :)
PLEASE give my your thoughts, especially for this chapter. I can’t wait to hear what you think / predictions / opinions, anything really.
anyways, have a good week !!! i love you <3
Harry looking good and sexy and broody
& some Anna inspiration
( I still haven’t managed to find that one specific person who I think looks like what Anna would look like, I have a feeling I might never haha )