Icing on the Cake

~173~

Calum. We named him Calum.

His funeral was so hard to get through. It took everything I had to not break down and start crying hysterically, but I knew I had to keep it together. For Adam and Anastasia.

But I couldn’t keep it together much longer.

Before the funeral, and even during the funeral, I was able to keep myself composed. I buried myself in busy work, and I kept doing something. I made sure that I was never doing nothing, because if I was doing nothing, I would think about it.

And if I thought about it, I would break down.

There was so much planning to do before the funeral, and so many people to be around during the funeral, that I didn’t think about it at all.

But after the funeral…

How were we supposed to explain to Adam and Anastasia what happened? They had questions, they were confused. How do we tell them?

The day after the funeral, I was on the patio, laying by the pool. It was sunny, warm. A beautiful day, but I wasn’t enjoying it.

Jack came to visit me that day. Out by the pool, he sat down next to me.

“How are you doing, Luke?” Jack asked. “Really?”

For some reason, I felt like he was the first person I had seen since Calum died that I felt like I didn’t have to put on a show for. That I didn’t have to pretend to be okay around.

With that reasoning, I felt a sense of relief as I pulled him towards me into a hug, and for the first time, I let myself cry.

“I don’t know what’s worse.” I said. “The fact that he died, not knowing how to tell our children what’s happening, or having our other child in the Intensive Care Unit.”

“CAN I GO SWIMMING?” I heard Adam joyfully yell as he ran out to the patio, wearing his swim trunks.

I quickly and aggressively wiped the tears from my eyes and slapped on a smile.

“Sure you can!” I said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible, and trying to preserve as much of his happiness that I could.

Notes

Y'all I'm the lead in this musical at my college and we're performing right now and we do three performances a day. Three. I love it to death, don't get me wrong, but I'm lowkey dying over here