Struggle - H.S.

Hours after we said our goodbyes to Zayn, we sat in the living room. I had never seen them so beaten, there was no happiness amongst the 4 guys. I was busy in the kitchen making everyone some tea. I'm mean tea makes everything better right? It was also because I couldn't handle seeing them all like this even Niall wasn't smiling. I let out a deep sigh and pulled my hands through my hair. The water was boiling, so I grabbed some teacups and some flavours to serve along with it and put it on the table in the living room. I myself didn't stay in the room because I still felt guilty for not being able to safe Zayn. I made my way upstairs stopping in front of Zayn's room and opened the door. The smell was horrible, so there was only one thing to do and that was cleaning the room.

I dashed back to the kitchen and filled a bucket with cleaning supplies and walked back upstairs and I started to pull of the dirty sheets and threw them in a garbage bag. I also had to get rid of the matrass but for now I just pushed it to the hallway. I went back into the room and scrubbed every square of the room. I wasn't sure how long I had been in here when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was startled to say the least, not out of fear but only because I was going up in my own thoughts.

"Anna, you don't have to do this." Harry said when he turned me around to face him. I nodded because well he was right but this was all I could do to not lose it. I didn't want to appear weak and if I would break down, I would cry and it would be the bad kind of crying. I never saw someone die in front of me and this was all too much but there was no way I was going to let him see that. At least I did everything to avoid crying in front of anyone, it didn't mean I wouldn't cry if he kept staring at me like that for much longer.

"I know, but I have to do something." He eyed me carefully "You don't have to be this tough, it's just me." I know he meant well but it was not helping. Showing weakness in front of Harry, there was just no way. "I'm fine, just let me finish this and would you please burn that mattress?" I asked him without looking at him. His hand disappeared from my arm and I heard him lift the matrass, without any complaints.

An hour or so later I was finally done. The room smelled fresh as a daisy and to my surprise nobody had come and check on me, not even Louis. I had thought that when Harry would tell them what I was doing he would be the one to stop me but he never showed his face. This made me think that Harry gave orders to not disturb me. I had to thank him for that later on but now I just wanted to take a shower. I walked out of the room but stopped when I saw the four lads leaning across the hallway, watching me. I quickly threw a glance over my body to see of something was wrong but there was nothing unusual.

I opened my mouth to ask them what was wrong but Louis put his hand up to stop me, so I closed my mouth again. "Thank you Anna." Was all he said but I did not know why he thanked me and I think that showed on my face as they all smiled softly at me. Louis crossed the hallway and stopped right in front of me and pulled me in a hug. This shocked me deeply as he was the one who never really treated me nicely.

"Thank you so much Anna." He whispered again and I still didn't get it. "Why are you thanking me?" I asked whilst hugging him back. "For helping us and for everything you did to save Zayn." I was at a lost for words because I didn't save him. "But." He pushed me back gently and put his hand over my mouth. "I know you think you didn't save him but you did, you gave him time to say goodbye and that's all he wanted." I must look utterly confused but I still gave him a weak smile. I was close to breaking now and that must've shown on my face as they all crossed the room and next thing I know I was pulled in a group hug and that done it.

I felt the first tears fall on my cheek and that made them all let go of me except for Harry, he kept me in his arms and as the others walked away silently Harry pulled me into his own room and placed me softly on his bed. He shifted me so that I was hold tight in his embrace. "Let it all out, love." He murmured against my hair and that's exactly what I did. I was sobbing my heart out. Everything that had happened the past few weeks came out. I couldn't stop and eventually I couldn't breath properly. "Try to relax, Anna" I listened to his breathing and after a few minutes I steadied my own breathing again and the crying stopped eventually. Harry was still rubbing my back and I savoured in his arms.

"Thank you." I whispered and I felt his smile against my hair. "I'm just glad you finally gave in." he said softly and that made me smile because even if we were at each other's throats most of the time, he still had found the time to get to know me even if I hadn't noticed this. "Did you really had to bring the guys into this though?" he nodded "I did because I know you would break if they all showed you a bit of love." Sneaky bastard but he was my sneaky bastard. "What is going to happen now?" I asked because there was no way they were going to let this pass. "First we are going to give Zayn a respectful send off and after that we are going to make them pay."

"I want to be part of it." I pushed myself up so I could look Harry in his eyes. He wasn't happy that I wanted in but he also knew that even if they tried to keep me out of it. I would find a way to get in the midst of it but then it would only be dangerous and it would probably get me killed. "You know sometimes I wish you weren't stubborn because then it would be easy to persuade you to stay home." He said unwillingly but I just gave him a small smile. "You brought me into this remember and you told me numerous times that I was part of this gang so use me. I can fight and I can learn to fire a gun." He sighed deeply. "I don't want to discuss this tonight, can't we just lie here without talking about guns and fighting?" he asked and he was right. I shouldn't have brought it up right now but I just didn't want Zayn's dead to be in vain. "I'm sorry." I mumbled "It's okay and I do understand were you're coming from, it's just we have been through hell today and I just want this day to end without any more shit."

I put my head on his chest and traced the butterfly tattoo on his stomach without saying another word. I felt him hum softly, whilst combing his fingers through my hair and that relaxed me like nothing else. There was a knock on the door and I heard Harry sigh before answering. "Yes." Liam came walking in not the least disturbed by the fact I was on Harry's bed. "I really don't want to intrude but uhm Anna, could you maybe make something to eat because we all can't cook that good." He asked shyly and it actually made me smile.

"Of course, If you could give me a minute to freshen up." I got of the bed and walked towards my own room. I washed my face and put on different clothes and went downstairs to make the guys some dinner. I heard them talking in the living room and I heard my name fall occasionally. Harry must've told them about my demand of helping them getting revenge. I know I shouldn't eavesdrop but I couldn't help it. "She will only be in the way Harry." I heard Louis say. He was probably right but there was now way I was going to sit at home waiting for them to return safely.

"We can teach her. She already knows how to throw punches, she just needs to toughen up en she need to learn how to fire a gun." I heard Harry say and the all hummed in agreement even Louis seemed persuaded. "Who is going to teach her?" I thought Harry was going to teach me but then again he was probably the one who was going to do the planning.

"I will toughen her up, just like I did before." It was silent for a few seconds. "Mate I know you mean well but the last time you trained her, you beat the shit out of her and nearly killed her." Niall was the one who said that and he had a point there. "I know but this time I will be on my best behaviour as she is one of us, right?" They all hummed in agreement again. "So who is going to learn her to use a gun?" That was Liam. I peeked around the corner to see what they were doing and they all stared at Harry but he shook his head. "I'm not the one who's going to learn her that skill and you know why." They all nodded, which made me curious, did it had something to do with the fact he almost shot me? "I will do it." Niall was the one who sacrificed himself and it made me giggle softly.

I quickly walked back into the kitchen before they heard me. It was just so surreal for them to discuss who was going to teach me and they really didn't look forward to it, which made this so much funnier. Not long after their discussion Harry walked into the kitchen. "You know what I said a few weeks back about eavesdroppers." It made me think back to that day. He still made my life a living hell back then and it wasn't something I want to think about. It made me cringe actually. When he saw that he hurried to my side. "I'm sorry for bringing that up. I tried to make a joke that's all." I shrugged "It's okay."

"I assume you heard the whole conversation?" I nodded shyly whilst watching at the floor, as if it was the most interesting thing ever. Harry's hand went under my chin and he made me look at him. "Don't ever hide your face like that. It was about you so it's only fair that you know what we were talking about." This was just so different from the first time I met him. "You really don't mind me listening?" I asked him carefully. "No I don't mind, so what do you think of your new instructors?" I giggled "Well they act as if they are being delivered to the slaughter bank." I joked and he laughed at that. "They probably think that yes." He joked back.

"As long as they don't kill me it's fine I guess" I shrugged and he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. "So.... How about that dinner?"

Notes