Struggle - H.S.

He was actually cuddling me, how odd. I was expecting him to leave the first chance he got but here he was cuddling me and being sweet to me. I was just so confused by all this.
He made me feel amazing, when he pleasured me and I was already wondering if I should return the favour but only the thought of my lips around his you know was making me wanna crawl away in a dark place but on the other hand it did turn me on to think of it.

What is wrong with me, why am I thinking about it in the first place? He is definitely putting me under some sort of spell, that's the only explanation I have for all this. I would have never let him touch me like that if I wasn't under some sort of crazy spell right?

"Stop over thinking this, Anna." Harry said softly but I couldn't stop thinking about it, maybe this was just one big mistake or wasn't it. I'm just so confused. I'm confused about everything.
"Harry can't you just leave me, I'm not trying to be rude but I need to think about what this means." I mumbled embarrassed because I really didn't know anything anymore. I hated the person he was in general but I also wanted him badly and I just didn't understand any of these feelings.

"I understand, I will give you some space, if you need me I'm downstairs." He kissed me before he left the room and I sat there in the safe haven of my bed, I know I was crying when the first tears rolled from my chin, how on earth was this a good idea, me and Harry together. This just couldn't end right, what if he suddenly gets angry with me and kills me in the the spur of the moment or what if I have to hit him back purely out of self defense? I just could never ever trust him but somehow I still let him touch me and I actually enjoyed myself. "I'm a complete failure" I cried my eyes out because I felt so lost, the last thing I wanted was to have feelings for him but here I am feeling really confused and it's all because of Harry.

I can't deny that it felt so good but what does this say about me? I don't want to him to treat me badly and to have any kind of control over me. I did need him though, I needed him to take care of me. He makes me feel safe and scared at the same time, he was becoming an addiction and there was nothing that could stop it. It was like I stepped in my personal hell, with Harry as my main lead. Why couldn't I be a normal girl with a normal boyfriend?

There was a knock on my door, which brought me back to reality and I realised that I still hadn't eaten something. I got up from my bed and walked to the door. I opened it and saw a tray on the floor with food on it and a note next to the plate, I quickly picked up the tray and went back inside and took a seat in my chair. I first opened the letter, which was from Harry, at least that's what I thought as he was the only one in this house besides me.

"My dear Anna,

I know that you are confused and probably regret what we just did but I beg you not to regret it. I know I have been hard on you and that's something I have to live with but you have to understand that I have a certain position and I can't afford people to be rude to me and that's why I had to put you in your place that one time. I don't regret that, although I do regret that I hit you straight into the hospital.

I know you think that my feelings aren't sincere but I can assure you that they are, since the moment I saw you, I have strong feelings towards you and I wish you had the same feelings for me and I guess you do, otherwise you wouldn't have let me do that to you because you are not that kind of girl.

My love for you has make me realise that when I'm around you, you're not safe, as there is an uprising in Oxford and I have to deal with that. So what I am saying is that you wont have to see me any longer and I hope you have everything you ever dreamt of.

Goodbye my Love.

Harry."

Wait?! What?! This made me wanna pull my hair out. I was so confused about it all, first he is telling me I'm his and than when I finally cave, he pulls away from me. What the hell is wrong with him, to treat me like this? Why now? Is it because he maybe heard me cry, which he couldn't handle? That really didn't seem like him, I mean I cried often since I met him and he never backed down, so why now? What if this was a test to see what I was going to do, I had to see for myself that he was gone from my house.

I quickly walked towards the stairs and a silence welcomed me the moment I stepped into the hallway downstairs. "Harry?" I called out his name but he never responded. I walked into the living room and there really wasn't a sign of him anywhere, he was really gone. When I walked into the kitchen there was a note plastered on the fridge. Harry had put it there, I looked at it and my mouth fell open.

"Change the locks if you don't want me to come in ever again. Xx Harry."

He really was gone! I sat down on the ground, I couldn't believe it, I was finally free but why did it feel as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest?

Notes