Does he know?

Sometimes we as people tend to make some stupid mistakes and decisions that no one really can understand. And sometimes it’s okay, as long as you don’t repeat them over and over.
I have made some choices, which in the beginning seemed to be the best ones. Later I found out that they were terribly stupid – but somehow I got something good out of it. I know it sounds weird. But I’ve found strength and a new me. I think and reflect much more than what I did before all this drama started. I feel like I’m finally starting to grow up. I’ve realized that I screwed up months ago when I started falling for Zayn.

I don’t know how it happened.

Last night I spoke with my mum about it.

“How did it happen I thought you liked Harry?”

Wow. Really mum? .. I thought that too.

But sometimes love just happens.

In the blink of an eye.

When you least expect it.

Sometimes it’s just there. It just take some time to realize it. Like, to feel it deep down in the bottom of your heart.

Truth is. I felt the love for months ago but I tried to brush it off because I was so sure that Harry was my only one. Everyone always says that things come when you stop looking for them.


I wasn’t looking for love.


It just came.

When I found Harry, I was one hundred percent sure that had found the boy of my dreams because he had so many great abilities and there were so many things about him that just fitted with that I had always wished for. But somehow, in between all those laughs, kisses and feelings, you somehow realize that even though the person seems to be the perfect one, he just isn’t.

Perfection is boring.

It simply is.

I don’t accuse Harry for being boring. Don’t get me wrong, he is so funny and has some awkward but funny jokes.

But I needed something in my life. From Harry I got everything I wanted. But Zayn - he is the dominant one and now I truly know that opposites attract.. I’ve experienced it by myself and there is nothing better than being with a person who is so different from you, yet so alike. Like soulmates, you just connect. You know that feeling when you just meet someone and you just click?

That is how it has been with me and Zayn from the very beginning. From the moment I stepped in my room and catched his eyes, I knew there was something great about him. It’s not something you can describe with a word, a noun, an adjetive.

You just have to feel it.

Love demands to be felt, just as pain does.

But it’s surely proven that love conquers everything and when you are willing to go through so much pain because you want a person, then you know its true love.


You just know.

I decided to talk to Harry before he headed to California. I knew it was a bad decision but either way he would end up hurt. I could let him have an amazing trip, thinking everything was perfectly fine with me and him, and he would miss me and count days until our next meeting, and then I would let the bomb fall – or I could simply be honest, get it off my chest and let him recover while being in California. Who knows maybe his true love is there?

I was nervous as hell when I called him.
Voice mail.
Shit.
I called like 10 times but he didn’t pick it up. Guess he was busy packing. But I just could not break up over the phone. It would be the most stupid and childish thing to do. I sent him a message which said that he should call me as soon as possible. But I didn’t get an answer. I waited for days but nothing happened. I started to get worried. Was he ignoring me all of a sudden?
Then, unexpectedly, I got a message from him on Viber.

Hey! Sorry I haven’t been able to reach anyone. My phone died few hours before we headed to Cali. Everything is good here. What are you up to?
Harry x

Shit. What was I supposed to answer? “Good I’m just waiting for you to get back so I can break up?!”. Seriously, I was so tired of this I just wanted to get it out of the world!

“I’m glad you’re good. Nice to finally hearing from you. I want to be completely honest with you; I’m not good at all :("

Sent.
He called me few minutes after I had sent the text.

“What’s wrong?” he sounded worried.

“I need to talk to you”

“Oh please don’t give me that phrase. Is everything okay?”

“Not everything Harry. Not yet. I .. I need to get something out of my chest” I stuttered. My throat was so dry.

“What is it then?” his voice was so low at that moment. Oh my god, my heart was breaking into pieces.

“I can’t say it over the phone”

“Annabelle I’m really not in the mood for this. What is wrong?”

“I.. I can’t say it over the phone Harry!”

“Then it has to wait until I get home Annabelle”

He went from worried to upset, it was crystal clear.

“It can’t. I need to get it off my chest”. Oh god, I just wanted to shout it into the phone but I just couldn’t

“Is it that bad?”

“Really “

“It has something to do with me, right? Since you won’t tell say over the phone”

“It has. Unfortunately.. I’m so sorry”. Wow this was not as easy as they make it look in movies. I felt like I was about to throw up. I couldn’t believe this conversation was taking place.

“Oh god. Is it what I think it is?”

“Harry. I really can’t do this anymore. I’m breaking not only your heart but mine as well.. And Zayn’s”

“Zayn”.. he said. Then he let out a laugh. Probably the most ironic laugh I’ve ever heard.

“ I can’t believe you are telling me this now. I’m in fucking California and instead of asking how I am you simply talk about Zayn and how much heartache you have? I’ve heard that before Annabelle, I know where this is leading to and I can’t get it into my head that you are saying this over the phone, WHILE I’m in Cali because..”

“SHUT UP” I yelled. I don’t even know where it came from but I just didn’t want another parent talk. I was sick of hearing how bad I was. How much I sucked and that my personality was bullshit. I’ve hurt myself enough with my own thoughts I didn’t need his right now, because I knew they weren’t good at all.


At all.

“No I won’t shut up. It’s fine, I just can believe you didn’t say it before. What happened? Everything was great before I took off. Have you been hooking up again?”

Shit I didn’t see that one coming!

“No we haven’t! Everything wasn’t fine. I thought it was. It felt like that. But it wasn’t fine and it won't be until I end this for good”

“If you are one hundred percent on this one then go on and do it. Dump me. Go ahead. You’ve been waiting for this for so long. Just get over with it”

Was this really the Harry Styles I knew? Because he would never react like this.

“I don’t want to do it over the phone but I on the other hand don’t want to ruin your New Years eve or start the new year with us being strangers or enemies.” I confessed. I wanted to cry. I’m not such a bad ass as I try want to be.

“We are not going to be enemies or strangers. We are not 15 years old anymore Ann. I can handle a breakup like a man. I’m not going to hate you. I had this feeling-- that this was coming I just tried to brush it off and enjoy Cali.”

He sounded more happy now, finally I felt like I was talking to Harry.

The daddy-mature-Harry as we sometimes called him, even though he hated it.

“Harry.
You have no idea how much that means to me. I’ve been feared this for so long”

“ You shouldn’t. I’m not like the other boys, you know that” I could hear a giggle.

Pew.

“No. You’re right. You are special and I’m glad to know people like you. Who take a breakup that easy”

“Well I do love you so I kind of have no other choice. I still want you in my life but”

“But what?”

“I kind of have good news for you guys at home I just dont know when or how to tell it”

“What? Tell me!”

“I kind of..” he paused.

“Kind of what?” I was excited now!

“I kind of have signed a record deal with a guy here. He is very cool and has worked with a lot of famous people. Okay it sounds crazy I know but he recognized me on the street. He said he watched our single on YouTube!”

“Seriously? That is so amazing! Wow we’ve kind of just oploaded the song and you are already famous, getting recognized on the street. I cant believe this, you have a great future in front of you!" Wow I really was impressed and happy for him!

“Well you could have been my Cali girl living the Cali dream with me” he laughed.

I loved Harry for always having a sick, cracker joke in a hard situation.

“Yeah right. As if my parents would ever allow me to live the Cali dream” I laughed back. And I felt joy. I had never in a millions years imagined that I would laugh two minutes after a Harry-break up. Were we finally growing and maturing?

“Typical your parents. Tell them I said hi. I hope you’re all well”

“We are. How are you and your parents? I mean.. besides the thing that happened for like two minutes ago”

Shiit I regretted that question immediately.

“Thanks for reminding me of the scar you just placed on my heart. Besides that, everything is perfect. Simply perfect. I’m enjoying the weather and tomorrow I have a meeting with a producer and a possible manager”

“I cant believe this is happening. What about college?"

“Seriously? Fuck School. I’m slowly living my dream, I’m seeing the light in the end of the tunnel. I feel like I’m heading the wrong way. The rollercoaster is taking me up, up, up!”

“I’m so happy for you. I really am. Don’t get me wrong, I still love you and I cant wait to watch your career grow”

“But why did you break up then?”

Aw. Serious tone again. Damn i t Harry!

“Because it's just.. I don’t feel the same anymore. I’ve tried so hard Harry but my feelings changed. I still love you, but just not in tht way"

It was so liberating to say it out loud. To him.

“Ah okay, it's okay. I’ve heard enough. “

“But Harry I gotta go, remember.. Time difference. My bed is calling”

“Oh sure. Have a great vacay. see you.. next year? Wow that sounds so weird.!”

“Yeah and I know. Enjoy your Cali-dream, live it, feel it and reach it.” I laughed.

“Thanks Ann. Always ready with a great advice”

“Always”

I could just imagine his smile behind the phonescreen.

“And Harry?”

“Yes Annabelle”

“About that scar? Pain demands to be felt”.

Notes