Does he know?

I was buried in my own thoughts as I and my dad were driving home. I’m not sure whether it was due to the clear, cold December air that I suddenly had every thought under control or if it was due to the fact that I was heading home and knew that everything would be drama free for once. Whatever the reason was, I sure was happy. As the quote says” home is where your heart is”. And that is for sure indeed. I could not wait to get back home; too see my family and beloved friends. I had a feeling like everything was going to be okay, that I finally - for once - was on the right path.
I looked outside of the window while I was in my own world. The music that came from my IPhone was so loud suddenly that I barely could hear my own thoughts, which actually didn’t bother me. I missed having some time for myself. I really needed to distance myself from everyone from college – and just to feel the real me, the real Annabelle from London.
Few hours later we finally arrived. Our house was lovely decorated with mums typical Christmas decorations, which she would use every single year because in her opinion, some things never change. – and this was for sure.

As a matter of fact it is true.

Some things never change.

Even though we hope for it, we wish for it.
We pray for it.


Every year we tend to have a New Year’s resolution. In my case, I always have like 10 billion things I want to do, to achieve, to complete – but unfortunately I never do it. But this time I agreed with myself that I did not want to have any New Year’s resolution whatsoever, because I knew – I could literally feel and sense, that I would get either pissed off or disappointed in myself for thinking that this year would be any different from the previous one. I always hoped and prayed for a better year, a better me – but it took me some time to realize that it doesn’t matter which month we are in or what kind of society we live in, or as a matter of fact, what year we live in. It’s about who you are with and what you put your mind up to.

Because I don’t need a new year to become a better person, I just need to step up my game.

The only thing that waits for me at 00:00 this year at New Years, was a new beginning. I decided not to have old problems or crushes in my life. If I had a problem with someone, I would clear it now. Not after New Year’s eve. The “New Year – New Me” process is for some bullshit. For me it’s a kind of bullshit but also a little bit true. I don’t think you need a new year to change yourself, you just have to have the will.


And I sure had it.


On the ride home, I had a lot of time to think, which I gladly did. I was done with fighting over and over because of Harry and Zayn. I would never in my life again allow myself to get between such a close friendship, nor would I ever tend to do such a stupid mistake as cheating on my boyfriend.

People always say that first time you do a mistake, which in my case is cheating, then it’s called an accident. But if you do it again ( and again, and again), you’re simply doing it on purpose. Never in my life will I hurt Harry on purpose – I just think it kind of happened. Because I’m still a “kid”, I’m still learning every day. I do my best to get a better me, a better version of me. And now, I was finally realizing the truth. I was done with telling myself who I wanted, who my heart loved. I mean, if I truly loved Harry, I would never have touched Zayn and I would never have let Zayn touch me. And I even still had his words on my mind “ If we had was real how can you be fine."

I wasn’t fine. This situation wasn’t fine. When I think of the year I clearly remember how excited I was to finally go to college, get new friends, grow up and just find myself.
Now – 6 months later, I had truly found myself. I’ve realized that I still have a lot to learn, but I’ve taken some with me from this experience with these two boys. “ You can’t love to persons at the same time” I remember Sarah told me. At that time, I felt like she was right. But she wasn’t.

You can love two persons – but not in the same way.

It’s just not the same.

When I’m with Harry I laugh, smile and feel like I’m in heaven because of his politeness and sweetness. But when I’m with Zayn, I get cramps in my stomach and tears in my eyes because of his stupid humor that I love more than anything else. When he looks at me, I get lost in his eyes. When he smiles he lights up the whole room and he is always full of surprises. He still loves me even though I’ve been so f*cked. If he can accept that, he can accept everything. That’s one of the hundred things I’ve figured out on my way home to England.

And now I’m sitting here in my garden. It’s full of snow and even though December always is the coldest and darkest month, it's somehow is so magical and romantic too.

Beep, beep beep.
Message from Harry:
Hi babe!
I can’t come tomorrow. I’m very sorry but mum wants me to help packing and finishing cleaning the house before we leave. You know her obsession!
I’m truly sorry. Love u xx

Well, well.
Was it wrong of me to be happy because he had cancelled? I was actually relieved. I could spend quality time with my family. I read the message once again, then locked my phone.

I breathed in the cold air – then breathed out again.

I felt like the end of this year would be great, awesome, amazing – and I truly deserved it. It had been the craziest year in my life with lots of crazy memories, people and experiences. I can only face palm myself for some of my actions and hopefully I will be able to laugh about them in ten, maybe five years.

I looked at the white, glinting snow. I wrote a Z and a heart with my forefinger.
I got up again and admired it for a minute- should I sent him the picture? Or would it be wrong?

What the heck. As if I hadn’t screwed up some things already. As they say, “Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win”.

And I sure would win this time.

I took a snapshot and sent it to Zayn. He could enjoy the picture for 10 seconds.

But my love for a lifetime.


“Ann, dinner is ready!”

“Comin’ mum” I yelled and before heading in, I once again took a glance at the Z written in the snow. All I needed was just an A next to it and then it would be perfect.

Notes