The Story Critic
Afraid of Love
Rating: 7
My Thoughts: It's a great plot, nice story line. I think Harry and Violet will make a cute couple :) And stupid old Josh! D: It's just so sad... I think if you write it with a little more feeling, your story will actually get to the readers' hearts. :)
The Story Critic Says:
Positive Points:
- I love the way you have a flashback in your story. The background of Violet is really well written.
- The story seems to have a good mix of suspense, action, humor, and emotional scenes. It's got things every story needs! :)
- The personality of the characters is well projected.
Negative Points:
- I think you need to space out your chapters into paragraphs. You're putting it all into one big paragraph. Try to press enter and start a new para every time the topic changes, even if it changes just the slightest bit. I know it's hard since typing in up here won't let you indent, but just press enter twice. It looks neater and will be much easier to read, then.
- Your dialogues need to be on different lines. Don't put a dialogue in the middle of a paragraph. Every time someone new speaks, it needs to be on a new paragraph.
- I saw that you said Harry lived with his parents in Kentucky and is now living in a flat with Louis in New York. That doesn't correlate with real life so it is a little hard to imagine Harry's character. The readers already know Harry's from Cheshire, England, but now they have to adapt to your story in which he is American... It should also show Harry's true personality. I know you are trying to impersonate a different character persona for Harry, and Louis too, but try and keep some stuff the same.
- There were also a few points in your story where I caught a few grammar errors. In the first chapter, you had: "What, he asked?"
... ? I think that was on accident :) Should have been: "What?" he asked. Try and look through your chapter once before you submit it, just so you can preven such silly grammar mistakes.
Overall Thoughts:
- I can see your story going to great heights in the future! :) It's got a good 'umph' to it. Know what I mean? It's got an interesting enough story and plot. If you put it out there in a well written manner, people will love it, and they'll love you for it too! :) It's all up to you now!
Guys check out Afraid of Love, by MrsHarryStyles15: http://www.harrystylesfanfiction.com/Story/17966/Afraid-of-Love/
My Thoughts: It's a great plot, nice story line. I think Harry and Violet will make a cute couple :) And stupid old Josh! D: It's just so sad... I think if you write it with a little more feeling, your story will actually get to the readers' hearts. :)
The Story Critic Says:
Positive Points:
- I love the way you have a flashback in your story. The background of Violet is really well written.
- The story seems to have a good mix of suspense, action, humor, and emotional scenes. It's got things every story needs! :)
- The personality of the characters is well projected.
Negative Points:
- I think you need to space out your chapters into paragraphs. You're putting it all into one big paragraph. Try to press enter and start a new para every time the topic changes, even if it changes just the slightest bit. I know it's hard since typing in up here won't let you indent, but just press enter twice. It looks neater and will be much easier to read, then.
- Your dialogues need to be on different lines. Don't put a dialogue in the middle of a paragraph. Every time someone new speaks, it needs to be on a new paragraph.
- I saw that you said Harry lived with his parents in Kentucky and is now living in a flat with Louis in New York. That doesn't correlate with real life so it is a little hard to imagine Harry's character. The readers already know Harry's from Cheshire, England, but now they have to adapt to your story in which he is American... It should also show Harry's true personality. I know you are trying to impersonate a different character persona for Harry, and Louis too, but try and keep some stuff the same.
- There were also a few points in your story where I caught a few grammar errors. In the first chapter, you had: "What, he asked?"
... ? I think that was on accident :) Should have been: "What?" he asked. Try and look through your chapter once before you submit it, just so you can preven such silly grammar mistakes.
Overall Thoughts:
- I can see your story going to great heights in the future! :) It's got a good 'umph' to it. Know what I mean? It's got an interesting enough story and plot. If you put it out there in a well written manner, people will love it, and they'll love you for it too! :) It's all up to you now!
Guys check out Afraid of Love, by MrsHarryStyles15: http://www.harrystylesfanfiction.com/Story/17966/Afraid-of-Love/
Notes
One more! Yay! I like critiquing! It's fun! But I hope it is actually helping you guys! Please let me know!I'm only doing this so that you guys can improve off my advice as good authors. Don't think I hate you or your story. They are all great! Just some tips to make them greater! :)
Lots of Love!
~ Lily <3
plz check out my story it's called "inspirational messages" and take your time I don't care when you review it as long as you do thanks so much
3/10/15