Rating: 4

My thoughts: What you are trying to convey to the readers is GREAT! Really! But the way in which you convey it is a bit off... With a little fixing, I think your story can become AMAZING!

The Story Critic says:
Positive Points:

• I can tell you've put some thought into this. How the characters meet, their backgrounds, it's unique. I like that. :)
• There are only 4 chapters, so I like how it's well paced. :)

Negative Points:

• The punctuation can use some help... Put quotes around the speeches, don't be like: where are you going today i said. Try putting it like: "Where are you going?" I said. That way it is a lot less confusing. Know what I mean?
• Don't make it sound like you are talking to the reader. Make it seem like the reader is actually reading a book. Try not to use 'So' like 'So I went to the car' That would be something you would say when you are telling a story. Not somethign you would write when you are writing a story. That should be a little more like 'I walked over to the car...' Get it?

With a few corrections, I think your story will be great! I know you can do it! It's already amazing! Just a little work... I'll be subscribed to it to see your improvements! Good job so far!

Guys go and check out her story!
http://www.onedirectionfanfiction.org/Story/13995/popular-song/

Notes

As you can see, I'm a little hard to please...
Up for the risk? Comment below!