I woke up, blinking repeatedly, trying to make the black shadow disappear from my eyes. As soon as I made so, I sat immediately. The attention of 11 people was turned to me now. I knew most of them, the boys in the band, their girlfriends and four people I didn’t knew.
“Johanna!” Liam called
“Please tell me it’s a dream!” I begged, hugging my knees “Please, tell me that his plane got late or something! Please!” I begged, tears threatening to fall down my face
“Johanna…” Confirmation of my biggest fear was given to me by Eleanor only with her calling my name.
Niall’s plane had disappeared and now I have no idea of what to do.
“No!” I got up, angry, warring all the people in the room “I won’t… I can’t … Lose him… Please!” I let myself fall in my knees.
Niall couldn’t be… He couldn’t he said he would come here to be with me, in the voice message, he said, he … promised he would come back to me. I can’t believe I let him leave without even giving him a kiss or talking to him, hearing his voice. Now, all I have is a voice message, or two or about ten of those. But I don’t have Niall’s warmth or his scent. My chest is paining, my hear feels like he’s dying, slowly, painfully.
Eleanor and Perrie helped me get on my feet and shoved me back in the sofa where I was laid in latter. My face was completely wet, soaking wet. Eleanor raised a finger in front of my eyes and looked at me with hard eyes.
“Now, they haven’t found the plain yet so don’t worry about it that way. They can be fine! Stop being like that…” Her eyes softened quickly when she heard me sob “… He’s okay!” She pulled me to her arms, hugging me tightly “He’s always going to be okay! Calm down!” She caressed my hair.
El pulled away and sat next to me. I felt like I was dead. My eyes focused on the huge window and in the rhythm of the snow falling outside. I knew the others were talking, I just couldn’t hear what they were saying. I wasn’t crying anymore. I wasn’t sobbing, nothing. There was just... emptiness now! A growing emptiness inside my chest that keeps growing and growing with every single second that passes and that door doesn’t open toshow the blond hairs I love to squeeze so much or the blue eyes of that tone I knew so well, and, how hard for me to admit it might be, have been pooping in my dreams for quite a while now, since I met him in his gig.
The snow fell on the ground, turning it even more white and perfect outside. It would be a perfect day if Niall was here. If he didn’t get in that plane… If he hadn’t came home earlier because of me… NO! It’s my fault he’s missing. I just… I can’t… I can’t bear to lose him. Please. I closed my eyes, not letting the tears fall down my eyes.
You were born to be mine! My subconscious reminded me of what he told me in the club, when he invited me out for the first time.
No, this is the last thing I need right now. I don’t need reminder of those memories you know why? Because he’s fine and he’s going to walk right through the door. Can I just say that my inner voice broke when I said the last phrase? I picked up my phone and dialed his number.
“Hello! This is Niall! I can’t pick up right now but leave a message and I’ll get back to you!”-Bip.
I dialed his number again. His voice, his voice was the only thing that could give me the least amount of peace right now. So I called once, and twice, three times, six until I gave up and put the phone back in my pocket. I concentrated in the snow again.
“I want to hold your hand so tight my wrist would break!” Stop! Please stop bringing back these memories to me. I don’t want to… not like this.
I was brought back to reality when El shook me, moving her lips, talking. I heard nothing, I can only see her talking, the shock was too big and my thoughts were too loud for me to hear anything around myself. She shook me again.
“Johanna, come back!” She demanded “Can you hear me?” I nodded “Do you want a blanket?” She asked and I nodded again. She got up and reached for a red blanket in the other side of the couch. She wrapped it around myself and I grabbed the tips, pulling it more to me. I looked to my left side, to the window again. But before I could zone out, El spoke again “Here, drink!” She handed me a cup of coffee.
“Thank you!” My voice was strangely raspy
My hands trembled threatening to spill the coffee in Niall’s extremely white mat. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. When I felt like I was capable of doing so, I took the cup to my lips, wetting them. I was in no mood for coffee, not while he doesn’t pop here, right now. I had the notion that Eleanor was trying to distract me from thinking, but it was useless!
“Nerd!” He called
“Nerd? Me? No! I prefer the tem intellectual badass!” The way both of us laughed, right before everything happened. Niall was happy, really, naturally and genuinely happy in those memories. Harry called me back down on earth.
“Johanna, these are Maura, Bobby, Greg and Denise! Niall’s mom, dad, brother and his sister in law!”I nodded, raising one hand because I was not being capable of doing anything else.
They nodded with their heads, also feeling weak. Louis and Liam were with their back turned to us. Louis had the TV remote on his hand, Liam had his arm crossed and his eyes fixed on the TV. I looked over to see what had that big of an impact on them.
“NIALL HORAN IS MISSING!” Was the title, in big black letters. When Louis noticed I was looking at the TV, my eyes watery, my lips pressed against each other, my limbs trembling, he turned off the TV. I hugged my knees under the blanket and pulled them up to my chest, swinging back and forth like a lunatic.
Zayn was in a corner of the room, talking on his phone, being closely watched by Harry. He’s probably talking to the police, trying to get some type of information, but we all know he won’t get any.
“Look officer!” He yelled “I have his family here and his girlfriend! They are worried sick so just give me some fucking information!” He demanded.
“Calm down Zayn!” Harry said “Give me!” He extended one hand so Zayn could leave the phone there.
I have nothing on him! Where he is, how he is… He could be starving or freezing. The weather is not properly warm. No! Please let him be okay.
Completely hopeless, I turned to the only thing I could do. Pray. I prayed for him, so he could be okay, I begged with all my heart, all my strength that he could be okay, here with me, with us, even if I had to exchange places with him, I would.
In my mind, a image of a shirtless Niall popped in, a specific place next to his left shoulder where he had Carpe Diem written in thick letters. Why couldn’t I just let it flow like he said? I should’ve had.
“No, please! You have to give us something about the searches!” I hear Harry speaking through the phone. He was getting frustrated, just like Zayn was before of him.
Only the idea of not having Niall here, with me, to hug him and feel his warmth leaves me sad in a way I have never felt before… Because he… He can make me happy, he can make me sad, he can do what the hell he wants with me because I am his. I said it! It’s done! I’M HIS! The girl who made a big deal of not being treated like an object, treated herself like one.
I heard a crying coming from upstairs and Denise got up. She ran her hands through her messy hairs and put them back in place, turning around to go upstairs to where the sound was coming from. Maura and Booby! I could have sworn I heard those names together somewhere.
Niall… He had the tattoos of his parents names in the board of his hands. Greg ran his hands through his hairs, squeezing them himself. He let his head fall in his hand next, agony completely filing his body. Bobby was constantly sitting and getting up, running his hands in his pants, worried and nervous. Maura was just sat back, no expression in her eyes, blank. I couldn’t judge her, that’s how mine look like, probably.
“H-How long has he been missing?” I asked my voice tiny and trembling.
“Four hours now!” Louis informed me. Silence followed and then a sob. That was all it took for El and Perrie to be next to me, immediately. They both hugged me and I stood there, not knowing what to do. Why can’t my brain function right in stressful situations?
“H-How long have the searching begun?” I asked again, my voice smaller
“Two hours now!” Liam said, concern in his eyes when he turned to us
Denise came back to the living room with a baby in her hands, so small, tiny and cute. I think anything would make me cry right now, but I will not let a baby be one of those. A baby it’s suppose to be a bundle of joy, a happy thing and I will not let tears run down my eyes because of a cute thing that actually looks alike Niall. She sat in the couch, next to Greg who was, still, nervous and exasperated.
“That’s Theodore!” Perrie said “But we normally call him Theo!” I actually allowed a small, weak smiled to come out of my lips.
I look over at the TV again. Nothing new, just the same no information thing that’s usual in this kind of situations. I pulled the blanket more to me and closed my eyes.
“NIALL!” Everybody yelled
I opened my eyes instantly to see if it was true! If Niall was really there and I wasn’t imagining. I wasn’t… He was there. He threw his jacket into the couch before he was jumped at by his mom who hugged him tightly. Niall had his cheek with traces of ashes. He was only wearing a warm shirt and a pair of his dark large pants, he was completely dirty, and still, completely gorgeous. Oh My Gosh! What happened? He hugged back his mum.
“Are you okay sweetie?” She asked and I heard her voice for the first time in the whole day
“I’m okay mum!” Niall said, giving her a tired smile.
He’s alive girl! Scream, shout, jump, do whatever you want! My subconscious told me, but I couldn’t respond to anything. I was completely lost by the fact that, you know, HE’S ALIVE!
“I thought I was never going to see you again!” She said and Niall hugged her tightly
“I’m here! I’m alive!” He said before he took a step back and proceed with the rest of the people present in the room.
He proceed to his dad, who, in the beginning was only going to shake his hand but didn’t resist the instinct of pulling him into a hug.
“What happened? What took you soo long?” He asked
“My plain had a fire!” I froze “In one of the wings! We were lucky we were a few in the jet!” He said
“How many?” His dad asked
“Five or six! No one is harmed, everything went fine!” He smiled
His brother walked in his direction, angry at him. He slapped his chest, trying to seem strong. But moments ago he was a small kid, running from his biggest fear: Losing his brother!
“You should have called you idiot!” Greg said
“I didn’t have my phone… I lost it!” He explained and Greg hugged him, letting go of the rage.
“We were so worried!” Denise said and Niall kissed her cheek and Theo’s small forehead.
He proceeded with complementing everyone in there. I was out of the circle they had made around him, looking, watching, observing totally frozen and paralyzed. I only noticed my eyes were watery when Niall landed his eyes on me for the first time he came home!
“Johanna!” He whispered and let go of his backpack. It fell on the ground.
“Niall!” I ran to him, jumping on him and wrapping my legs around his waist. Niall’s hands held my waist, keeping me from falling down. I held his face in my hands and looked deeply into his eyes, my hairs covering everything around us “Don’t ever do this to me again!” I almost yelled
“Everything’s fine babe, I’m fine. I wasn’t even scared!” he said, trying to convince the others, but he didn’t fooled me
“Just don’t… I can’t go through this again!” I pressed my lips in his. “I thought… I thought…”
“I can see! Calm down, I’m here!” He tried to calm me down and cleaned my tears with his thumb “I’m so sorry! We’ll talk later okay?” I nodded
“Are you okay?” I asked the minute he let me down, touching his nose, his cheeks, his hairs, some of them slightly burned on the top, his lips, his ears. This is him, my Niall is here. Niall held both of my wrists together, between us.
“I’m fine Princess! It was just a scare!” he assured me and I sobbed “Calm down, please” I’m here, I’m not going anywhere!” I buried my face in his chest, hearing his fast heartbeat.
“Tell us what happened Niall! Detailed!” Zayn asked
“Well, I was flying back here in the private Jet when a fire started in the left wing. It was pure luck we were flying so close to the ground.” I shivered.
Close to the ground… Well, England is an island so it really was luck. I wanted to cry after that thought of mine. Niall kept talking, a bunch of technical stuff I didn’t understand, while I was, still hearing his heartbeat. It seems calming now, like a melody that’s used to make sure he’s here and he’s alive.
“…We had to ask for a ride to a man who was driving a truck. We jumped in the back and went back here in a few hours… three I think!”
Niall pulled me to sit with him in the couch and I let my head rest in his chest again, relaxing finally. Tears fall down my eyes, gratitude tears.
“Hey!” Niall pulled me back so he could look at my eyes “Stop crying!” I sobbed
“Stop scaring me” I demanded
Niall made that weird face again and pulled me to his chest. He caressed my head continually, calming me down.
“My dear family, I think I need to rest now!” Niall said
“It’s official! You need your beauty sleep!” Louis mocked
“I’m just tired and my girlfriend seems pretty upset!” Niall smiled.
Just seeing him smile, that made me wanna kiss him right there, but I wouldn’t. His family was there and his friends too, I needed to respect them.
“We’ll let you rest Niall! I have to leave anyways!” Maura said
“Stay! I have a lot of bedrooms!” Niall offered!
“No! I… I just wanted to know you were okay!” She said
Reluctantly, Niall leaves me in the couch and hugs his family, his friends too since they were leaving. His mum rested her head in his chest, probably hearing the same calming melody I had heard a few moments back.
“You scared me so badly!” She said
“I know mum! I’m sorry, but I’m okay now!” She glanced at me and smiled, I blushed
“I guess you are!”
She left Niall and walked over at the door. Everybody was out already, only she was missing. She said her goodbyes and left, closing the door. Niall was focused on the door, thinking about something. He turned when he felt me touching his arm so he could turn. When he did, I jumped at him, my legs wrapped around his waist again, my arms around his neck, my lips desperately touching his.
“I was so scared!” He admitted “I was scared I couldn’t see you again!”
“Niall…” I gasped “I was scared! I fainted and everything!” I whispered against his lips “I’m so stupid … a child! I shouldn’t have let you go without sorting things with you, without kissing you or hearing your voice for the last time before you left to Australia. I’m so stupid!” Niall sighed
“You’re not stupid, you’re inexperienced, and pure and, let’s face it, naïve! You’re my Angel!” I smiled sweetly and buried my head in his neck “My Angel!” He repeated.
“Your Angel!” I confirmed.
The idea of being his doesn’t seem bad to me, it might be hard to admit but, it never did. The idea of being treated like a object or belong to someone, however, never seemed appealing to me… until Niall came around. If you belong to someone, it’s your choice, people can’t make you belong to them, you can choose the person you give yourself to, and I choose Niall. For a hidden reason that I can understand, I chose him.
We stood there, just hugging, in silence for a few minutes until Niall broke the silence.
“You know… In those last minutes of terror, when I thought we were going to fall and I would be dead…” I shivered “… all my thoughts were directed to you!” I melted against him.
Niall was so important to me now that I think about it. In a week he means so much more that some people I have known for years. I opened my mouth to talk but my phone vibrated in that precise moment. I grabbed it from the pocket of my jacket and looked at it. Shoot, fifteen missed calls. Ten were from Danny and the other five from Maria.
“Sorry, I have to make some calls! You want me to make something for you to eat?” I asked
“Yes please! I love when you cook!” He said
“Choose!” I said
“Just an omelet is fine for me, I’m not that hungry!” He said with a sad smile in his face. I nodded and walked to the kitchen with the phone in my hand.
I dialed Danny’s number first and held the phone between my shoulder and my ear while cooking!
“Johanna?! OMG! Love are you okay? I saw the news! How are you holding on? Where is he? You had any news?”
“Calm down Danny! Breath!” I instructed and she did so
“Is he fine?” I nodded, completely oblivious of the fact she couldn’t see me “Hello? Answer?”
“Yes! H-He’s fine!” I gasped
“Are YOU, and I quote, ‘fine’?” She asked
“A bit shaken by… But I think I am alright!” I said, scrambling the eggs in a bowl.
“I was so worried about you! I knew you weren’t completely fine for what you told me in the bar! And now I hear this… I just needed to know you were okay!” I smiled and moved the phone to the other side, still supporting it in my shoulder but the opposite it was previously.
“No need to worry! I’m alright! I blacked out, but I’m fine now!” I said, calmly
“That’s what I want to hear! That you’re fine, not that you blacked out!” I giggled “Stop by my house. I need to talk to you! We don’t spend time together in a long time!”
“I know, and I’m sorry! I’ll try to stop at your house!”
“Alright love, we’ll talk latter!” She said
“Love ya!” I said
“Love you too. Bye!” She hanged up
I took my phone out of my shoulder and dialed Maria’s phone number. The phone didn’t even bip twice, she had already picked up.
“Hello? Jo? Please tell me you’re okay!” She asked, worried
“I’m fine love! Niall’s back!” I smiled widely
“Good! I’m glad he is!”
“Me too!” I smiled again
“God, imagine if he died or something!” She giggled but I opened my eyes widely and stopped cooking “Alright, I’m going tohang up, mom and dad are calling me!” She said “Bye!”
She hanged up and I picked up my phone. A strange sob escaped my mouth while I was putting it in my jackets pocket. Tears falling down my eyes. I supported one hand in the sink and the other one I used to clean my tears, rudely with the back of my hand. I know Maria didn’t meant to be mean, it’s just that I’m extremely sensible to any kind of word that’s said to me. I know she didn’t meant to say that, but my head is, still, running. The way it was an hour ago, when he was still missing. I’m just glad he’s home and I can’t imagine him being… dead!
“Johanna?” I turned to look at Niall, worried, supporting on the doors frame “What’s wrong?” He walked in my direction.
“Nothing! Is just that…” I stopped myself
“That…” He encouraged me to continue
“I can’t imagine my life without you anymore!” I whispered, looking down and Niall smiled. His thumb covered my chin and lifted it up so I could look at him
“I can’t neither!” He said, smiling widely but shyly too.
I smiled and hugged him, wrapping my hands around his waist and letting my head rest in his chest, hearing his heartbeat
“I never heard something more comforting that this!” I whispered
“What?” Niall asked, his right eyebrow raised and a vague smile in his lips
“Your heartbeat, it calms me down!” I smiled widely
“Well, your voice calms me down!” He said, showing me his tong and I smiled weakly
“Just… don’t ever scare me like that okay?” He nodded “Good, now, sit, your lunch is almost ready!”
“Aren’t you going to eat anything?” Niall asked, giving two steps behind
“I don’t feel like eating!”
It’s true, I have some kind of knot in my stomach and I can’t fight it out. It’s here, present like it was a few hours ago. I actually think that, combined with all the blood draining from my body, my brain stopped and my insomnia in the last days, it was the reason for my fainting.
Niall looked at me, worried. I smiled weakly, trying to assure him I was okay, but both of us knew I wasn’t. I was extremely tired because of the insomnia, my blood circulation seems limited, I should be paler than normal, my should look beady because of all the eating I haven’t been doing and I had huge bags under my eyes. I could conceal those with make-up, but that would be changing who I am and I don’t want that to happen.
“You seem like you have lost weight!” He said, wariness in his tone
“I haven’t been eating much!” I whispered
“And you seem tired!” he same tone in his voice
“Insomnia!” I shrugged, and served him his lunch
Silence. Niall didn’t seem that well neither. Forgetting the fact that some of his hairs are burnt on the tips, Niall looks tired too, he had cleaned up the ashes form his face already, but his blue eyes were more grayish that expected.
Wow! I never thought Niall’s eyes could change color. I’m used to have those deep, uniform, blue eyes stuck on me, not grayish eyes. What have I done to you my love? If you didn’t have met me you wouldn’t be coming home sooner, you wouldn’t have disappeared, you wouldn’t be tired and most certainly, you would have no need to worry about me, my weight or my sleep.
“You’re a fine cooker, women!” I let a small giggle escape my mouth while Niall kept eating.
Can I just say I’m completely happy to have him here, in his house, eating like I know he loves to do? Niall finished eating and I grabbed his plate, cleaning it and putting it in the right place.
“Hey!” He spoke, a soft voice “You tired?” He asked when I turned. I nodded “Let’s go get some sleep okay?” I nodded again and he grabbed my hand, pulling me to the hallway and into his room.

Notes

So, here it is! hey, if you have any question, ask me something: ask.fm/PunkDirectionFanfiction