Punk Direction (Niall Horan love story)

When I woke up, he was still asleep, me still cringed in his arms, so tight not even a paper would fit between us. My eyes were puffy and red. I woke up in the middle of the night, after he came here and we fell asleep.
I watched him for what felt like an hour. I love him. And I love him so much it’s not healthy. This addiction, this dependency, this subjection and power he has over me… besides not being fair, it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy that I want to be with him 24/7, it’s not healthy that all my commitments, tasks and arrons turn to a second plan when he’s here. But the worst part is how he’s capable of hurting me when he feels like it.
He said he wasn’t in control when he called me a slut, it scares me what he can do when he gets that angry again. How far can his angriness go? How far can his actions go? How far can he go without hurting me… physically I mean! I believe Niall would never be capable of hurting me, never ever. I believe in that, or I believed in that. Now that I know about his… condition I allowed myself a small brief space for a small doubt.
That was the question that swirled around my head the longest. I’m not scared of him, I’m not! But when he blacks out, Niall’s not Niall. Not the Niall I love anyways. I love the Niall I am and will entirely give myself to. That’s the one I want, not the one with so much hatred in his eyes when we were in the club, when he was dancing with that girl.
I don’t think I can handle that ever again. That’s why I won’t push his buttons this much. I never saw him that angry, that hurt… And I never what to see him like that again. I want him to be happy, and smiling and laughing. That adorable laugh I came to love so much. I want him to be happy, no matter where he is, or doing whatever it is. I want his happiness above anything I could wish for myself.
And for as long as his happiness is with me, I’ll give that to him. Fully, and completely. No matter how many issues he has, no matter how many obstacles we have to overcome, no matter how many ups and downs our relationship might have… I want him to be with me. I want him to be happy!
Is that love?
Smiling to myself like a dork, I raised one of my hands, running it over his cheek, the one that was turned up. My thumb made movements of up and down, slowly while I took in his beautiful features. He talked during his sleep, and a lot, that is why he doesn’t has his lips completely closed. Today it was just mumbles, things I couldn’t even understand sometimes, but he moved a lot, and his hairs were pointing everywhere thanks to that. Thanks to his closed eyes, I felt cold, the need to have those blue orbs on mine was so urgent that left me speechless, and his lips… How every breath that came out slightly brushed against my cheek, giving me a small chill every time it happened. Every movement of his chest was reflected on the sheets as they dragged around his body. His chest raised and dropped as his breaths seemed to get more and more quick and heavy.
Furrowing my eyebrows, I swooped closer and palmed his chest, right over where his heart should be. It was beating pretty fast, and the idea of him bawling out James name made my heart beat in the same way as his did.
I felt panic crawling over my throat, feeling agonized ad terrified. I don’t like the way he screams in his sleep. It’s so … so heartbreaking, so intense and full of pain. It’s like a request for help, like he said he did when James died in front of him. I was afraid to hear him again, because that shatters my heart in so many ways it even pains me to think about it.
I was afraid I was losing my effect on him. He told me he didn’t dream about James when he was with me. What if he was losing his feeling for me… that would cause the effect to fade wouldn’t it?! The thought of it made me cringe along with my heart who was beating fast thanks to my thoughts and Niall’s state.
His eyebrows were now furrowed together as something was happening in his dream. I saw a drop of sweat fall by the side of his forehead as he seemed confused and then in pain. He opened his mouth even more this time ,I was sure, to yell.
“NO! NO!” He bawled, making tears pour out of my eyes immediately “NO!” His cry for help was so intense, so desperate… I need to make this stop, to end this. I was about to touch him, to rock him so he would wake up when he bawled once more “NO JOHANNA! NO! NO!” he started moving his legs uncontrollably as his arms tightened around me, stiff as a board “NO PRINCESS! YOU CAN’T DIE! STAY WITH ME! PLEASE!” He desperately called
“Niall!” I called, my tears falling in his chest as my head supported on it.
My hands were unused since his arms were over them, tightening them around me. He kept yelling and bawling desperately, so much he started to cry in his sleep.
“NIALL!” I yelled while sobbing “Please, wake up!” I begged “WAKE UP” I bawled
When I did that, the grip around my arms got loosed, not completely lose, but looser. I had my head hidden in his chest as I cried, wetting his shirt. He scared me so much, this scared me so much. I want this to end, I want the dreams to be gone and done with.
“Johanna!”
He seemed even more desperate now than in his dream, wich only made me cry louder and more desperately against him, my hand bigger than normal because I pulled to my dad on that, holding on to his shirt for comfort that never arrived
“Johanna…” He called again “Speedy, please!” He said, slipping hi hands under my arms and pulling me up to face him “Please stop crying Angel, I swear… If you stop crying I’ll…. I’ll ...” But he had no idea on what to do did he?
I could tell by the blank expression on his face that he didn’t knew what to do, so he just held me in his arms, burring his face in the crook of my neck, kissing the soft skin.
This is no way of living. He needs to go see a doctor so we can sleep normally. I can’t be like this every time I hear him scream in his nightmares, it breaks my heart. Plus, I want him to sleep normally and rest so he can wake up with energy to go to work, wich he loves.
“I can’t stand seeing you like this!” I cried, pulling away. Lately, it seems like all I ever do is cry.
“I can’t stand having to put you through this! But Speedy, this is in my top three of worst dreams ever!” He whispered
“I died again!” I said and I saw how he turned pale.
Cleaning my tears out of my face, taking no care and easiness at all. He had no color on his cheeks and, starting to feel awful for what I said, I reached his cheek again. I started to stroke him while looking in his face, my own still contracted thanks to the vermilion tone of my cheeks due to the tears I had spilled now and earlier.
“I’m sorry, but you need to go see a doctor Niall!” I said “I shrink maybe! Someone who can treat you so you can sleep normally!” I said, two thick tears running down my cheeks.
“Speedy…” He mumbled through his pained expression “I don’t know what to do… I… I want to, but…” I cut him off
“There’s no buts, you need to get treatment Ni!” I said as I buried my face in his neck.
“I know, I know!” He whispered “I’m so sorry! I’m so so sorry!” He said.
He kept whispering that as his lips kept kissing the top of my head repeatedly. I needed to help him through that. He need to get rid of hat guilt that wasn’t even his to start with. Hate isn’t something that comes easily in my dictionary… but I hate her! I hate the dead girl who made Niall’s life so impossible of living. I hate her for being an opportunist who probably didn’t even love James. I hate her for having sex with him when he was drunk! I hate that she died when he was on the wheel. I hate her for dying!
Yes, I hate her for dying.
She didn’t deserve to die. Die is a quick and easy getaway to what she has done to the poor man hugging me tightly between these sheets. She deserved to be alive, to suffer for what she’s making him go through.
Thinking this made my mouth get an unusual bitterness and roughness it’s not normal to have. I felt warm, starting on my stomach and then up till my cheeks. I felt all my body throbbing, my head pounding, my cheeks reddening. I knew what was coming, so I pulled away from Niall to sit on the edge of bed, my hands buried in my brown silky hairs as I pulled them in a failed attempt to calm down.
Suddenly, and I could tell I made Niall gasp, I grabbed my slipped that were by my side and threw them against the wall, making a loud noise echo the house. I HATE HER!
Letting go of a frustrated roar, I grabbed the other one, bending and getting up extremely fast, feeling my hairs accompanying my movements with difficulty. I threw the other one against the wall too, aiming to the small framed that was hanged in there, that showed a happy me. Unfortunately, I failed… miserably.
Sitting on the edge of bed, I let my hands burry in my hairs as I cried furiously, the increasing temperature in my body, not descending a single degree.
“I HATE HER!” I yelled from the top of my lungs.
It’s been a while since this happened to me. I’ll guess, six… maybe seven years now. I rarely lose my composure like this… this is extreme. I rarely gather this amount of rage inside me, enough rage to throw everything out the window, including myself if I feel like it. I never did this because I felt like it, for a tantrum or something of low importance. Normally, low grades when I studied for a week for the exam…yes, that was the reason why it happened seven years ago.
I just feel so warm inside, and my tongue is so bitter and rough. But it feels so wrong to feel like this. Losing my composure is awful and not at all worth of lose because of a … because of a bitch! I know it’s not good, but it’s Niall we’re talking about.
I believe in karma, I do. When you mess with me, I let it do its’ job, but when you mess with someone I love. Oh Man, something bad is coming. And in this case where the person I should be directing my anger to isn’t even alive… it makes me feel pathetic and revolted. Because she deserved to suffer, to be in pain for what she did, to know someone killed themselves thanks to her. She deserved to know how much she ruined Niall’s life, how she made him lose his best friend, how thanks to her he has these awful nightmares.
Still, I felt awful and pathetic for wanting her to suffer, so, while crying out of rage and embarrassment, I pulled my knees up and buried my head between them. I hated that Niall had to see me like that, especially when my rag was towards no one… well, no one that was alive.
I hope you’re burning in hell you bitch! I thought to myself.
Funny how ‘bitch’ comes out this easily now. Two months ago I wouldn’t even say bitch, now it’s like a regular word. Only to refer to Megan, or Mia, but still.
“Speedy!” I heard Niall moving.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I said, repeating myself unintentionally
“Sorry for what?” He asked, pulling me to his lap. I still wouldn’t co out of my improvised shell, not even when he started caressing my hair and one of his hands surrounded my small body
“For losing my composure in front of you! I shouldn’t have!” I said, crying desperately. I was so frustrated.
Yes! That was the word: Frustrated. Frustrated for not having anyone to direct my anger to, frustrated for not being capable of keeping it together in front of him, frustrated for being as fucked up as him right now… I’m sorry for the term used.
“Seriously Johanna!” He said, an amused tone present.
I let my body relax as the back of my knees rested over his legs now, my hands were now returning from fist to palm and my head that was buried between my knees, was now turning up to look at him.
Niall had the sexiest grin plastered on his face, the sexiest I have ever saw in my life. His features were calm now, not the least bit troubled thanks to the fact that I just lost it a few moments ago. I’m glad he isn’t. I’m glad he understand me. I’m glad that instead of pushing me more down like my mom would do, he just stays here, caressing my hair and kissing the top of my head. I love how he doesn’t run away from things that easily, even if he gets to after what happened.
“You know darn well that I lost my composure with you may times already!” He mockingly said “You have nothing to worry about!” He kissed my nose “Losing my composure!” He mumbled, rolling his eyes “Like I haven’t done worst!” I actually managed to laugh after that, to what he ginned hugely “Looks like we’re not that different after all!” Slowly, and understanding what he meant, I nodded slowly and firmly
After all, we aren’t that different. He said that he doesn’t black out form anger that much, well, this doesn’t happen to me that regularly neither. He doesn’t control what he says, I can’t control what I do. There are similarities that can’t be forgot. And to think that I was afraid a few hours ago.
“Promise me you’ll go see a doctor!” I asked
“I promise!” He said, right away “Promise me you won’t ever be sorry for ‘losing your composure’ in front of me!” He asked “I’m not your mom Johanna! I’m much more pretty and sexy!” I bit my lower lip, trying not to laugh. I failed… miserably.
“I promise!” I said, leaning to kiss his lips the first time this morning “Can I ask for something I never do?” I asked
I felt like my head was pounding for the lack of sleep, and my body ached everywhere. I needed to go back to his embrace, having the mattress under us.
“Yes?” He asked
“Can I please stay in bed?” I asked “With you?” I saw an amusement sparkle in his eyes “Not that way! I’m way tired to do that!” I said and pushed myself back in bed till my back were against the headboard of bed.
“Of course you can!” He said, crawling to where I was, wrapping his hands around me and pulling me down to lay under the sheets
“Thanks Ni!” I said “I love you!”
“I love you too!” He said and I grinned, resting my head on his chest to relax
**
By the end of the week everything was arranged and we were as happy as someone could be while ‘living together’. I was just staying there, I wasn’t really living with him, wich I had to bring up several times thanks to how much he persisted on giving me two drawers of the dresser that was a set of four.
I didn’t have enough clothes to fill that up, including the bedside table he told me it was mine from now on. I was stupidly happy, but I couldn’t accept that. Not yet anyways. I slept with him every night, and every night I was there in case he had a nightmare. After that incident the other day, could tell he did as much as he could to don’t fall asleep.
Countless times I told him to sleep, to rest a bit because he had to work. But no, stubborn as he is, he stayed up late, until I was asleep, and always woke up first. He never had another nightmare, not that he woke me up or yelled. He was just calm, tired for the lack of sleep, but calm. Calmer than I have ever seen him.
Strange because every day that went by, was one day closer to my date with Jasper. I expected him to get all mad and angry again, but he didn’t, he never even touched the ‘Jasper’ subject. I was thankful, thankful because I knew he understood my part of the deal, he understood why I had to do that. It was for my sister, the youngest of them all.
The one I remember everything. I remember seeing her when she was born. How gorgeous she was, with her eyes and big cheeks. She was my sister, my little sister and one of the woman in my life. She had the same blood in my veins, the same blood I shared with my other two sisters. I hoped they were fine too, but all my thought were directed to the eight year old who is probably lying on a hospital bed.
I remember the first time she walked, and the first time she talked. The first word she said was ‘Ohanna!” I couldn’t blame her for not knowing my name properly, she was a baby after all. I remember her christening, and the way her eyes sparkled every time I got home with a new toy for her to play with. I remember how I always used to pull her hair in too pony-tails when she was five, and how she started to like horses and dolphins, along with Barbie dolls and cartoons. She always loved to watch Barbie movies on TV and then she would ask me to play with her, or to take her for a walk. I always did everything she asked me without complaining or asking for anything ... all I’m asking right now is for her to go through this.
I need her to be strong, to be strong like all our family is. I need her to stand tall, to overcome this. I can’t imagine my life without her. She’s my sister, my baby. She has to survive or I don’t know how I’ll handle the situation.
Pushing those thought aside, I got up from the couch, freeing myself form Niall’s embrace. I looked at the clock. I had half an hour to get ready for our ‘date’. I can’t explain how much that wasn’t pleasing to me. I just wanted to be in Niall’s embrace till I got tired and fell asleep.
“Where are you going?” Niall asked me form the couch, supporting his elbow on the arm of the sofa and looking adoringly at me.
I snorted to my bangs, watching as they lifted in the air thanks to me and fell perfectly over my eyes again. I need to cut it quickly. I saw how Niall grinned at my action and slowly, I walked towards him, kneeling in front of him. I leaned towards him.
“I love you Nialler!” I said, connecting our lips for a second.
“I love you Speedy!” He said back and I smiled widely
“I need to go get ready!” I snorted again and pouted against his lips.
Teasingly, Niall bit my ducky face and grinned. I couldn’t stop a loving smile to spread across my face when he did so. His teeth slowly moved up my cheek, scratching the soft skin lightly and making me shiver. When he got close to my eye, his lips covered his teeth and the scratch feeling was replaced by a kiss in the tip of my nose slowly. What did I tell you?! Calm!
“I don’t want you to go!” He said, pouting
“I don’t want to go!” I said, looking to the wall blankly just so I could escape his adorable pout. That could make me want to stay at home “But I have to!” I said, turning to face him. I was decided, the image of my sister in a hospital bed did that for me.
“I know!” He sighed “I don’t want to delay you!” He said, holding my hips and putting me on his lap, my legs around his waist, supported on the couch
“Well…” He cut me off y placing his lips on mine
“But I will… just a little bit!” He whispered against my lips
“Niall…” I called when his lips traced down my neck till my shoulder blade.
All the hairs in my body were bristling, including the one in my lower nape. I wanted to push him back, but having him kissing my neck made that impossible. That’s a low move. My hands on his shoulders, with the intent of pushing him back, quickly moved to his nape, pulling him more to me. What this boy does to me…
“I want you…” He whispered against my neck before he continued to trace down my neck with wet kisses, making everything down my waist tighten. My skinny jeans felt way to tight “…so damn much!” He said when he reached my shoulder blade, dragging his kisses along the green tank-top I was wearing.
I only groaned, feeling his kissing my collarbones. I won’t ever get tired of realizing how perfectly they fit. When his lips moved down my chest till the end of the cleavage of the top, I heard myself moan, feeling my nipples turning hard. Wow!
Niall’s hands were now in my bum and he squeezed it in his hands before moving his kisses up towards my neck again. I was expecting more kisses… but then he bit me. And then he sucked, hard. I bit my lips, my hands now pulling strings of his blond feathery hairs as I controlled myself not to moan loudly.
“Niall!” I called, my breath not accompanying me perfectly as I was buzzed to have to end this session I was liking so much
“I know, I know!” He snorted and I smiled, kissing his lips
“Latter!” I promised and he nodded, still bummed about it
“I swear, if he lands a finger on you, I’ll kill him with my bare hands!”
“Calm down Ni!” I said, still over him
Niall held my hips as his hand caressed the bone sweetly, a small smile slowly appearing in his face as one of my hands was in his left cheek, caressing the skin. He used to be cheekier, I mean… he lost his cheeks, they used to be bigger and more pink. Suddenly, I bragged his cheeks with both of my hands, pulling them to opposite sides. Niall groaned. It hurts like hell, I know because Danny always does this to me. I pushed his cheeks further together, making his lips part in the center and open up till a small gap appeared.
Amused with his face, I laughed loudly. He tried to smile but due to the state of his face, he wasn’t capable of doing so. It only made me laugh louder.
“I lowe iu!” I heard him saying and smiled sweetly, leaning to kiss his disfigured cheeks.
“I lowe iu too!” I copied and let go of his cheeks
“Autch!” He said, taking both of his hands to his cheeks and caressing them, probably they were hurting.
“You’re so adorable!” I said, grinning
“You’re gorgeous!” He said and I looked down to his torso, feeling the hotness of my cheeks while my hands held the sides of his shirt now.
I smiled stupidly and leaned down to kiss his lips slowly. I opened a gap between my own lips so his tongue could explore my mouth, and so it did. I couldn’t ignore the shocks and the shivers that rand own my spine every time we kissed, every time out tongues touched. It’s just… amazing.
“You need to go!” He said, disconnecting out lips only to connect them again with the same intensity seconds latter “Or I’ll keep you here and won’t let you go away!” He said, disconnecting our lips once more. He looked in my eyes “Nothing flashy okay?” He asked as he squeezed my bum. I groaned, my hip pressing against his.
“It’s me!” I said, opening my eyes with difficulty “I never wear something flashy!” I groaned when he moved my hips back and forth “Niall!” I warned
“Yes?” He naively said
“What time is it?” I asked, pulling my hands from his hairs to look at the clock in my wrist “I’m gonna be late!” I only had fifteen minutes left “I have to go!” I said but Niall’s arms wrapped around my back and pulled me closer, his head between my breasts.
“No!” He said, rubbing his head in my boobs, wich made me laugh out loud
“What are you doing?” I asked between laughs
“I want them with me!” He said, pouting. To get back at him, I sexily bit his pout, a side grin on my lips as I was sure my eyes sparkled with amusement.
I was just playing, I’m not sexy, but I tried my best back there. Niall laughed and gave me a peck before letting me go. I ran upstairs. I don’t have any dress with me, and even if I did, I wouldn’t bring it. I’ll only take a pair of jeans and a shirt with Niall’s leather jacket over it so I wouldn’t get cold. I’ve grown too attached to that jacket, but damn, it has his smell… and I like it!
When I finished changing to a pair of dark skinny jeans and a blue t-shirt with no cleavage at all, I got inside my sneakers in time to hear the doorbell ringing. I walked to the bathroom, sure Niall would answer that, and let go of my curls just to cover the small amount of neck I had showing. I combed it slightly with my hands, knowing the curls would look better that way and walked back to the room, grabbing Niall’s perfume and putting a small amount in my neck and wrists. I pulled the jacket over my shoulders and slipped my arms inside.
I got out of ‘our’ room and walked down the stairs till I found a threatening Niall holding in the door’s frame as tightly as someone could. On the other side was Jasper. They couldn’t be more different. Jasper seemed the good guy of the history with his green eyes, angel face and brown eyes, a truthfully fake smile on his lips. Niall, with all his tattoos and hard expression, eyes with huge bags underneath them thanks to the lack of rest of this week, tired big blue eyes wich are now as deadly as daggers. His hairs pointing everywhere thanks to my caressing on them a few moments ago. Yeah, Niall seemed more threatening than Jasper, maybe because he was trying to protect me… Okay, definitely because he was trying to protect me!
“At ten o’clock, I want her home!”
“What are you?! Her dad?!” Niall growled
“I’m her boyfriend!” He spat and I saw Jaspers’ eyes darkening a shade from green to black
“Not for long!” He said and I frowned
“As long as we manage to!” I spat, finishing coming down the stairs
“Johanna!” Jasper said, his eyes widening, jaw falling
I saw that sexy grin Niall always had, wich made me put strands of my hair behind my ear and blush like a teenage girl, while looking at the ground. Okay, the power he has over me is not the least bit healthy.
“You look beautiful!” Jasper said and I cleared my throat
“Thanks!” I said, still blushing thanks to Niall’s expression, wich I knew was due to the jacket I was wearing
“I’ll wait… by the c-car!” Jasper gagged, making me frown. I nodded and he left the door, leaving me alone with Niall, who slammed the door on Jaspers’ back with all the strength he could, making me jump, startled.
“I hate that guy!” He said
“Remember why I’m doing this!” I said, walking towards him and Niall looked at me in the eyes.
My arms surrounded his neck as he looked at me. I smiled weakly and he nodded. I leaned to kiss him chastely, and I did, but when I intended to pull back, two hands squeezed my bum, making me open a gap between my lips
“Kiss me right woman!” He whispered against my parted lips, his tongue romancing inside my mouth freely.
I hugged him closer and smiled during the kiss, finding amusing the expression he just used. Aw, my caveman!
“I love you Speedy!” He said, pulling back
“I love you Ni!” I said, standing on the tip of my toes to kiss his forehead. He closed his eyes to enjoy the kiss and opened them when I pulled back “Okay, we have pizza on the fridge, you can just put it in the oven!” I informed, while walking to the door with him behind me “And I made pasta, it’s in the fridge too you just have to put it in the microwave!” I said, opening the door and turning to face him “Or you can just order something!” Niall laughed “I’m serious! If something happens, call me immediately okay?” He nodded, smiling. I smiled back and leaned towards him “You know it means nothing right?” He nodded. I kissed his lips quickly and then his cheeks. “See you at then okay?” He nodded weakly “Hey!” I said, my back turned at him, only my face was leaned so I could see him “I love you!” I giggled and turned to walk, but before I did, Niall wrapped his hands around my waist, pulling me back
“Promise me, YOU will call me if anything happens!” He whispered in my ear as I found Jasper, looking at us while leaning on his car
“You know I will!” I said
“I don’t want you to go!” He sighed against my neck
“I have to! For Jess!” I said back and Niall snorted with aggravation. I laughed and Niall laughed too, his hand trailing down my body till my bum, slightly squeezing it. I held my lip captive between my teeth “Niall!” I pulled back against my own will “When I get back okay?” He nodded “Okay, bye!”
“Bye!” He said back and I turned to walk towards Jaspers’ sports car.
When I reached him, he made way for me to get in, opening the door for me. I knew Niall would be watching everything, and that made my chest clench, but I knew he understood why I was doing this so I managed to calm down. I trusted him, and he trusted me, that’s the important thing in here.
Jasper walked around the car, and while he did that, I saw the sad and weak image of my boyfriend, leaning against the doors frame, his feet on it while he looked over at us. I mouthed ‘I’m sorry!’ to him, to what he only shrugged, giving me a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes, I could see that from here.
Soon enough, jasper was inside the car and starting it. As cliché and childish this feels, I waved at Niall from inside the car, and he waved back. Jasper drove through the gate of Niall’s house and we were in open road a few seconds later.
The car was smelled like wood and pine, something very good and refreshing. If I told you I was completely secure about this, I would be lying and I don’t usually lie for nothing, I have good reasons to lie when I do. I stood, cringed in a corner of the car, pressing my body the most I could against the door so I would be away from him.
It’s no secret to him that I hate him, but he brought this upon himself, and I don’t think he’s unknown to it. I mean, he was the one who almost rapped me, almost killed my boyfriend, made me kick him and hit me with a ball in the face. Now he’s blackmailing me to go out with him. Yeah, I think he can guess that I hate him.
“Why are you with him?” He asked me out of the blue.
Astonished by his question, I took my eyes from the side of the road to look at him. He glanced at me by the corner of his eye and put his attention in the road right away.
“I don’t expect you to understand!” I spat “But I love him!”
As he moved his hands in the wheel, I noticed how he stirred it, holding it so tightly I thought his muscles would tear apart. I ignored his silent outburst and dedicated my attention to the outdoors again.
Eight twenty five and it was dark outside. And cold. I smiled to myself when I saw a glimpse of my boyfriend’s face rush through my memory. Soon enough I would go back to him, and we would sleep together in bed, and tomorrow I have to go home to get more clothes to wear since mine are needing to be renewed. What better place to go to than my house.
Yes, I’m thinking about what I have to do tomorrow when I’m sat in a car with a psychopath. Don’t judge me, time will go faster this way.
When the car stopped, I immediately got out, seeing a dinner I didn’t knew in front of me. It was Chinese. I don’t’ care the type of food we eat, since we eat it. I waited for him to get out and lock the car. When he reached me, his hand land in the middle of my back, making me shiver out of fear and disgust. I shrugged it off.
“No touching m without my consent!” I growled and he shrugged, hiding his hands in his pockets as we walked towards the door.
Inside, the environment was warm and inviting. I would enjoy coming here with my actual boyfriend, not this blackmailer who’s talking to the maitre. He directed us to a table by the window and we both sat.
“Johanna, I…” I cut him off
“Look Jasper, I don’t care about what you would probably going to say, so please don’t!” I said, looking down at the menu that was handed to me. I put it in front of my face so I didn’t have to look at him.
“I love you!” I heard him saying.
Widening my eyes who were hiding behind the menu, I let a small amount of pity for him spread in my heart. But it quickly fade away. He was just probably trying to trick me. I slid the menu down and l closed it over the table.
“You what?” I asked, looking right at him for any traces of him lying.
“I love you!” He said, his cheeks slightly blushed.
I swallowed and felt all the blood being drained from my face when his eyes met mine. He wasn’t lying. He wasn’t tricking me, I could see it in his eyes. It didn’t make any sense that he loved me and treated me like that. Plus, he doesn’t know anything about me so how can he be saying this to me. I have no idea how good of an actor he could be.
“You’re kidding me! After all you’ve done, you have the indecency of lying to my face?!” I said “You’re unbelievable!” I squealed
“I swear! I swear I love you!” He said, a pain expression in my face “You might not remember this, but we had classes together when we were younger! Before your parents put you on catholic school. We were in the same class. I remember every day you used to pull your hair in two separate pony-tails!” He gave a small laugh while looking at my face “I loved how you never liked any boy, I liked how you never kissed anyone, loved how responsible you were with only ten years of age. You were completely different than me. The first time I ever saw you, you were holding your dad’s hand tightly, insecure about going to school and leave your younger sister behind and your already pregnant mom. You were wearing a yellow dress, I remember I compared you to the sun and the singing birds that day. How silly I was when a child!” His eyes moved outside and my chest clenched when he continued “Every day you would run out of school as fast as you could so you would pick up Maria and go to your house! I remember how you always sang during breaks and always stood alone because all the other girls were jealous of you. You didn’t care, and I didn’t care neither since I could hear you sing. You were so special, so perfectly imperfect. I always wanted you, even as a child!” He said and I swallowed.
Everything he said was right, and truth. I always stood alone, and I always pulled my hair in two pony-tails before he grew to be this long. I wore a yellow dress to the first day of school in deed and I always sang on breaks, to myself. But he was listening. I felt pity. Real pity. If Niall didn’t exist, maybe, just maybe I could fall in love with him. But I can’t underestimate how strong what I feel right now is, and how Jasper feels towards me neither.
“That’s why I got so angry when you started seeing him!” I heard his knuckles crack “I did everything I could to be the perfect match for you! I took care of myself, I went to church every Sunday so I could see you, I teased you, but just a little bit. Hell, you never noticed how I always blushed when you were around and how clumsy I would get?! I know how to speak French Johanna, my dad is from France. I was stuck on the movements of your lips that day when you asked me if I spoke French!” He said, now looking at me “I always did everything to be perfect for you, and when I go out to eat with a pair of friends, I find you, standing on a table at Nando’s, smiling to that dick after you answered your phone!”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I said, making him smile a little
“I know I can’t ask you to forget about him, because you love him. I just wished that was me!” He said, sighing “I have waited eleven years to tell you this!” He said, playing with his fingers “I always thought that when I did, you would give me a chance, but I missed it!”
I couldn’t help but start crying. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never knew he licked me, if I did, I would probably tell him the conditions of being a Skye. How we can’t have a boyfriend, how we are supposed to save ourselves till marriage. I could maybe have gave him a shot, and he would probably get it right. But what for? When Niall appeared in m life I would probably have my feelings confused and my heart would probably fall on Niall’s side, that way I saved him from hurting even more… right?
“No, no! Please don’t cry!” He begged
“I’m sorry!” I said
“Please don’t cry Johanna!” He said, running his hands through his hairs desperately
“Sorry, sorry!” I said, trying to calm myself down while taking deep breaths.
“I just needed you to understand why I acted like a prick. You always made me so nervous, and when I saw you with him I think I just filled with so much anger that I didn’t knew what I was doing! You know?” I nodded “I think I just wanted you to go thought all of the things you’re going through with me, not him! You know?” I nodded again. I understood why he needed me to understand all of that, I knew what was coming “I was drunk the other night, please, I just need you to forgive me!”
I looked at the table. Could I forgive him for that? I think I can. I mean, it’s me. I forgive easily, and I owe him that for making him suffer all this time. I mean, I can’t image liking Niall for eleven years and when I tell him that I did, I find him with another girl. I understand why he is hurt and angry.
I reached for his hand across the table and held it, giving him a small smile. He smiled equally.
“Thanks!” He said, caressing my hand with his thumb.
That didn’t gave me the chills I got when Niall did it, or made me feel the sparks that I had with him. I was Niall’s only, and Niall was mine, I couldn’t make myself belong to anybody else even if I wanted to.
“Look, I’m sorry if you thought you couldn’t talk to me about those things. You can, you really can talk to me about everything. I can’t offer you my love because that spot is occupied…” I felt his hand tighten around mine “…what I can offer you, is my friendship!” He looked at me, his eyes widened
“You’re saying you want to be my friend?” He asked, his eyes sparkling. I nodded, a smile in my lips “Thank you!” He said, pulling me to hug him over the table “I never expected that!” I giggled
“Well, I never expected to have a confession today, but look what happened!” I said as we pulled back. He laughed loudly.
I was still shaken by his confession, and my heart was tight in my chest for the pain I probably caused him. I had to take deep breaths before talking because I was afraid my voice would tremble and give away how fragile I was from that confession.
I was sorry that I couldn’t reattribute that feeling of his, but I didn’t even remember him in my class, and I didn’t have that good impression of him since he teased me and back then I didn’t like it. Still, I felt awful.
And when he left me at Nialls’ with a hug and another ‘Sorry’, I felt like I was going to burst out crying. I ran inside the house, slamming the door and sunk in the couch, crying silently.
“Love, have you see my headph…” Niall stopped when he saw me “What’s wrong?” He asked, his eyes widened.
He walked to the couch and stood in front of me. I reached his hand, pulling me to me. He put me on his lap and I hid my head in his neck, crying silently. Niall’s huge palm rubbed my back caringly.
“Did he hurt you?” I shook my head negatively
“I-I hurt hi-him!” I said before I went back on crying “He told me he loved me!”
Niall’s arms became a soft board around me, but the caresses in my back didn’t stop. He kissed the top of my head taking longer than necessary and hid his face in the crook of my neck.
“You have no fault Johanna!” He said
“B-But… I hurt him Ni!” I sobbed, pulling back to look at him “I love you, so I hurt him!” She cried “I never wanted to hurt anyone
“Calm down Johanna!” He said “He’ll find someone who loves him like I love you, or you love me!” He said slowly, trying to calm me down. Letting two more tears run down my cheeks, I looked at him.
“You sure?” I asked and Niall ginned hugely and nodded, placing his hands by the sides of my face, cleaning my tears with his thumbs
“You don’t need to feel bad for loving someone and other person loves you too! Sometimes it feels like it, but you have to follow your own heart!” He said as I got comfier in his chest.
Niall pulled the blanket that was over the couch so it would be covering us as he leaned back against the couch. I hugged him tighter ad he reached for the TV remote.
“Let’s watch something so you can calm down okay love?” I nodded “Here!” He said, handing me the remote and shifting my position so I was now sat by his side with my legs in his lap, between his legs, the blanket stretching to reach both of us. I rested my head in his shoulder as I zapped through the channels.
“Ahhhhh, please not Titanic!” He groaned

Notes