I wanna break up! The phrase repeated itself in my head, like an echo, once, twice, ten times before a loud and hurting whistle invade my ears. I couldn’t hear, nothing except the repeated phrase in my mind! I could see the breeze moving the hairs of the gorgeous human being in front of me, I could see the leaves shaking too. I could see his chest moving up and down, quickly, brutally.
Time stopped!
I was stuck in one moment, trying to assimilate everything. I was aware that the time around me was running, that the clock was ticking, but my mind seemed to want to freeze. And it did, all by itself, without any type of order from my part. My eyes were stuck on the ground, trying to figure out what I have done wrong for this to be happening with me, with us. I wasn’t able to share a tear, no, not yet. My mind was running, my heart painfully pounding. Everything I wanted was for him to stop beating, to let me die.
I confess. The idea of dying before hearing those words from someone who you love is very appealing to me right now, though the ‘before’ part doesn’t apply here anymore. And then it hit me, a tong might not have any bones, but sure as hell is strong enough to break a heart. Though I couldn’t cry, my eyes were hitching and burning at the same time, signal that my body was responding to the words somehow.
The whistle ceased for a moment when he talked.
“Look, who are we kidding here? I’m not good for you and your mom proved that already! Let’s just go our separate ways and forget the other one exists!”
How can a finite number of words hurt so much just for being heard for a human being? How can he be doing this to me? How? Is he that weak that he can’t stand being confronted by my mother? He doesn’t love me. If he did, he would stay here and listen to it and be strong, because that’s what I would do if I was him. That was what people who are in love do!
The whistle came back, but time didn’t stop this time. It didn’t because I saw him moving. I saw him turning around to walk towards his car. No, he’s not going to run away from me before he hears me. I grabbed his arm and turned him around. He looked directly at my eyes.
I was aware that my eyes should look red, preparing themselves for what was coming next. His shades covered his eyes, but I knew I have his attention. I never likes looking people in the eye, but I needed to do so this time. I leaned in and grabbed his Ray Ban, throwing the across the field. I wasn’t ready for what I saw.
His eyes, his beautiful blue eyes were now black, completely black and had no sparkle at all. I had no idea of what it meant, but I just now I didn’t like it. He held his gaze upon my eyes, and I did the same. My eyes wouldn’t be black, but they should be close to it, they should be grey. I held his glaze as much as I could, but when I blinked and my speck was now all structured in my mind, two thick tears ran down my cheeks. I closed my eyes for about two seconds, feeling the tears rolling down my cheeks and making a detour towards my lips. When I opened my eyes, I saw his lower lips shaking, but it might have been an illusion since it stopped when I opened my eyes. I looked directly at him, his eyes completely changed color in the two seconds I had my yes closed. They were now shiny blue, almost ice blue. I couldn’t hold on to the tears any longer, I needed to speak before my voice started to get shaky.
I took a deep breath with my eyes closed while I did it, and when I opened them, I knew they were a color I have never saw before. I knew my eyes were black.
“Coward!” I accused, my voice was strong, it really was strong, stronger than I thought it would come out. He shivered with my words but held on to his place, to finish hearing me out “You didn’t loved me, I was just another one to you! Another one of your conquers. Well, congrats mister Horan, you can add my name to your list!” My voice was clearly more high pitched now “I wish I had never met you!” I lied “There would be no need to be doing this!” I pointed at both of us “No need to want you, no need to love you. I wouldn’t need to cry over you. You know why? Because you don’t deserve my tears!” I heard steps behind me. Judging by the strong perfume in the air, Danny was behind me.Blinked and two more other tears ran down my cheeks “And still, I love you will all the fucking broken pieces of my heart!” I cussed. Once isn’t going to send me to hell is it? Oh, forget it, I’m too angry to even think about what I have said “I love you, and you told me you loved me! You lied to me!” I sobbed, cleaning my cheeks with the back of my hand, rudely “You lied to me and I trusted you. I was stupid enough to believe when you told me you loved me!” More two tears ran down my face “Well, you know what you are now?” I asked him, not waiting for a response “You’re the first person who broke my heart! For the rest of my life, you will always be the one who hurt me the most! Keep that in your conscience!” I turned my back at him.
I could confirm that Danny really was standing behind me, and I could also feel two heavy eyes on my back. The last ones I preferred to ignore. I walked past Danny. I thought she was going to follow me inside again, but she didn’t, she stood outside. When I walked pass her, her eyes were watery, just like mine. She didn’t have any fault in what happened, but I understand her reaction. If it was the other way around, I would be crying like a lunatic right now, because that’s what best friends more like sisters do.
They say a broken heart changes you! Well, I’m not gonna let this change me! I’m not gonna let one person in a total of six billion people put me down. I wouldn’t stop being the caring girl, the loving girl, the cute girl who wishes only the best for people. I won’t change, but I won’t forget neither. I won’t forget how much he hurt me. I won’t forget how he broke my heart into million pieces and he didn’t even dare to look in my face and tell me he was sorry. I just needed an ‘I’m sorry!’ to feel a little bit better. Sure, an apology wouldn’t bring him back, but it was enough for the moment.
I got into the dining room and ran to hug my mom. I wrapped my hands around her neck while her hands caressed my back.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I sober “You were right! He’s not good for me! I’m sorry I disobeyed you! I’m so sorry mom!” I cried on her shoulder, maybe more than I should because now I was giving her more reasons to hate Niall, and, regardless the fact that he broke my heart, I wouldn’t let a mean word be proffered against him (one that’s not coming out of my mouth anyways).

Niall’s P.O.V:
Danny was still on front of me, killing me with the eyes. I felt like my eyes would give in any moment now. They were really bothering me now. They were burning, burning like hell and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold it in for long.
Danny looked mad. Sure she does, she´s like a sister to Johanna, the girl I so deeply love. I never cried for a girl and I refused to do it in front of anyone. Danny took a step towards me. Her cheeks were wet just like her beat friend’s were, but she didn’t have half the delicacy Johanna had, neither does she have half of the instinct to holding in stuff. I have had a small talk about Danny with my princess and she gave me all the details, I almost knew Danny for her whole life.
“She forgot something!” Danny said, clearly angry
“Danny, I-“ Her five bonny fingers were marked in my pale cheek before I could finish talking.
I didn’t resent her actions, I actually thanked her for that, because she made the pain in my heart tone down one shade. The pain in my left cheek was now shading the pain that my own heart made only by pumping blood. My attention was now on my cheek.
“You didn’t love her you asshole. You just wanted something to entertain yourself!” Danny stated “You just wanted something to make your fucked up life more interesting of living! Well, let me tell you, she really, really loved you!” She cleaned the corner of her eyes while she looked up. She tears were black from the eyeliner and the mascara “I didn’t wanted things to end up like this, not for you but for her! She didn’t deserve this! Worst, she didn’t deserve you! You only hurt her in the end! And let me tell you, she didn’t deserve being broken, at least not by you, you jerk!” I noticed she was trying not to cuss a lot “She’s the most caring and beautiful person in the entire world. It’s your own loss! And if she changes, even if it’s just one thread of hair, I’m coming for you!” She looked at me entirely, up and down my body twice and then stopped in my eyes “You don’t deserve to be loved by her!”
I admit, these words, combined with the slap, are hurting, but the words who came from my brunettes mouth hurt a lot more. Danny was right of course. I knew it, she knew it. But could I really stand in the way of her dreams and be everything she thought about, everything that gets in front of her way in school or even to be with Danny, wich I knew it happen less frequently before ‘Niall Horan’ happened.
I discuss myself. I’m discussing for making her heart get broken. I should have guesses, I should have guessed her heart was too precious to be played with, to be held in my hands, especially when everything I touch, breaks! She wasn’t any different. I always tend to make the wrong choices in the end of the day, and getting myself apart from her, breaking up with her, was the worst thing I could ever have done in my life.
I was weak! I was a coward like my princess told me I was. I wanted to hear those words repeat in my head, I wanted to feel the pain, I needed to feel the pain deep in my heart, I needed to know she hated me. She needed to say she hate me, I needed to hear it from her.
What am I you ask? What’s wrong with me? Well, I felt too much pain in my life already, that’s all you need to know. Johanna toned things down, she’s like the pills I should take to stop feeling the pain. Every kiss, every touch, every glance of her eyes was enough to make the world disappear and there was only me and her, there was only ‘us’! And that ‘us’ meant so much to me that I’m actually holding back tears right now, being sorry for what I’ve just did!
I really am a coward. I should have held her tight and say ‘Everything is going to be fine princess, don’t worry!” But what have I done? I broke up with her, I ruined the only truthfully happy thing I had in a long, long time.
Danny turned her back at me and walked back inside. I quickly got into my car, I needed to let go of all this tears that were now making it impossible for me to see. I grabbed the car keys and opened it, getting inside the car.
When I was alone, in there, with the black windows covering every attack I might have, I felt anger flooding my body. I didn’t blame her mother, I didn’t blame her family, no, I blamed me. The blame is on me. I was weak, I was the one who let her go and I don’t even have any idea why I did so. Maybe because, all my life I had been put down, people tried to hurt me with mean words and stuff like that when I was younger. Maybe I didn’t feel strong enough to ear whispers every time I walk in a room where her family was. The anger towards my weakness grew wider and I felt the need to punch the wheel.
I did so, with all my strength, feeling my bones crack under the attack. My bones were, at least, dislocated but I could still drive. . After one, two, three punches in the wheel, I let my forehead rest in it, begging a silent cry. A cry for being stupid, for being dumb, for loving her too much and letting her go like this.
I raised my head from the wheel and started the car, driving away to my house with tears constantly blocking my vision. I was lucky that there weren’t a lot of cars in the road this time because my car slipped two or three times in the way over. Once when my eyes were covered, another when I was calling Zayn and asking the guys to go to my place immediately and the last one when I caught a bit of ice in the road and the car slipped without my permission.
After one hour of driving, dangerously driving, I finally got to my place. I saw the van outside. The guys were probably inside already. I gave a key to every single one of the,, in case an emergency occurred. This was an emergency!
I turned the car off and stopped. I needed to clean the tears before I got out, in case someone’s watching with a camera in hand. I pulled the end of my shirt up and cleaned my face quickly and rudely. I didn’t deserve any type of care right now, like the type of care only she could offer. I feel filthy for breaking her heart like this and I will forever hate myself.
When I felt like no more tears would run down my cheeks for a steady minute, the enough time to get inside my house, I got out and locked the car. I was right, there was a small amount of paparazzi in front of my house. They are always following us. They guys were probably split up and being followed by different reporters. When the calls about my unknown issue spread to the other four guys, the papps probably found it strange hen the all met in my house and decided to stick around.
I walked quickly to my door, trying to skip any type of questions of photos, I didn’t want my deplorable state printed on the cover of a magazine or even the news paper. With trembling hands, I unlocked the door and barged in my house, closing the door right behind me. I walked towards the living room where I knew they were all waiting for me. They always sit in the sofa, waiting for me to come.
There they were, all looking with widened eyes at my state. I knew I wouldn’t be in my best, but was I that bad? Without saying any word, I walked towards the only spot left in my couch, between Zayn and Louis. I sat, looking around at them. Liam and Harry were sat in the ground now, turned at me, worried. Zayn and Louis were giving me all their attention too.
I couldn’t hold back any longer. I crossed my arms over my bent knees and lodged my head on top of my arms, looking at the ground.
“She’ll never take me back!” I said before I started crying again
Niall’s P.O.V off

A week. A week as gone by and I haven’t heard one word from Niall. I was happy like that. I was safer like that, locked away in my shell. I had been hurting in silence. I gave people in the street my best smile and kept waking like my chest wasn’t empty, like a part of me wasn’t missing. I was becoming fake inside, I was lying, pretending I was okay.
My mom forgave me because she told me, the opinion of the rest of the family didn’t matter to her, she only wanted me to get better and stop crying. And, as the good girl I am, I obeyed. Only in the outside. Every night of the past week I have been crying till I fall asleep and I always woke up with my dad laid next to me. Every single night, he waited till I fell asleep, he waited until he stopped hearing me cry and sobbing, he stood there, woke up till I became the little girl he fathered, again. And he held me in my sleep like I was her again. Sleeping has became complicated now. Well, falling asleep no because I fell asleep when I’m tired of crying, but getting a useful time of sleep is being hard.
The first time my dad slept with me, the day of that horrendous party, I woke up screaming because I had a nightmare about Niall and I started crying latter, diving into my dad’s hug. It got gradually better, till the point where I don’t scream anymore because I’m used to the bad feeling, but my dad saysI mumble too much and I almost narrate him my dream, my bad dream.
My dad wasn’t dumb. He knew what was going on inside of my heart, but luckily, he told my mum nothing. I’m glad for that, but I’m also sad that he has to keep this buried inside of him. My dad doesn’t judge, just like me, and I could tell he liked Niall very much. My mom put on a mask when he first met him. She wasn’t expecting me to talk back to her, hell, I wasn’t expecting that I would talk back to her. I have to thank my dad, if he wouldn’t be here in the past week, I don’t know if I could have held myself from doing something crazy.
Sure, I thought about opening the wounds in my thigh again, but Niall made me promise not to and I keep my word even if it is to a person who lied to me.
Right now I was looking at myself in the mirror. Danny insisted she wanted to take me out today, to celebrate Christmas vacation. I didn’t want to, but I accepted her offer when she pushed me really hard to do so. I was wearing a white top with straps and some shorts, not too short because there was still a mark from the cuts http://data2.whicdn.com/images/84647733/large.jpg.
Danny would come here by my house, she said she didn’t want me to drive and she would be here by nine. Of course I had warned my parents who were completely aware I wouldn’t go out with Niall since we are split up and I can’t even think about him without starting to cry. I heard a car beep outside and ran downstairs. My hair was pulled in a high bun, showing all the extension of my neck, all the skin that belonged to him before. I ran as fast as my comfy converses could take me and found my dad next to the door.
“You need to get British punctuality love!” I smiled shyly
“I know dad!” I hugged him tightly “Thank you, for everything!” He nodded and let me go. I quickly walked out the door to find Danny’s car waiting for me.
Now, this was dangerous. Danny driving isn’t a very good thing. I needed to calmly persuade her to let me drive. I sighed, completely contradicting myself when I walked towards my car. All my instincts told me to run back inside and burry my head in a pillow so I could cry and no one could hear.
I got inside Danny’s car and looked directly at her clothes. She was wearing a dress. A dress that was back and tight on the top and in the bottom had beige ruffles. http://data1.whicdn.com/images/83777976/large.jpg.She was also wearing big high heels and a purse was on top of the bench of the car, and now was in my legs. She smiled at me. I knew she was trying to cheer me up. She hasn’t been doing anything else in the days I’ve spent with her. She insisted on coming to my house every day to see if I was okay.
There was no point on lying because she knows me too well, so I just started crying uncontrollably on her lap. Every day, in the past week.
“You look cute today!” I observed, getting a cute smile back
“Thank you!” She proudly said “My daddy always said: ‘If boys don’t like you, they are gay’!” I frowned
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked and she laughed. I couldn’t hold on to a laugh and started doing it too “So…” I moved to the careful point “Can I drive? I miss driving your car and…” She cut me off
“Don’t play dumb on me Johanna! If there’s one thing you aren’t, it’s stupid!” I rolled my eyes “And one very easy to catch up!” I smiled weakly and she gave my smile back “Trust me a bit okay?” She begged and I nodded, bitting my lower lip
“If you promise not to ran your car against the nearest tree, I’ll trust you?” She made a puppy face towards me and I smiled, this time my smile was bigger.
Sure she knew it was all fake, but I told my mom I would smile in public. I told her I would and I will because, as I told you, I keep my promises! She drove away towards our so mysterious destiny. It was dark outside and a breeze clearly ran through the trees since the leaves were shaking. Inside the car there was a good environment. Ed Sheeran’s Lego House was playing on the radio and I sighed, looking to the full moon! The sky was beautiful. Tonight, we could really see the stars clearly, a thing I love to do. It just makes me dream wide awake, I makes me wonder about another form of life, have I told you I believe in aliens? I guess not, but I do! I think it’s selfish to consider that we’re the only rational form of living in the entire universe, it’s stupid.
Quickly, we got to our destination. Danny parked right besides a tree and, for a moment, I thought she wanted to make my statement true. Luckily for me, she didn’t. I knew she was being extra careful with her driving because of me. She also knew I was terrified of her driving skills and how careless she is. We both got out of the car and Danny locked it, pressing the button on her keys.
The loud music was being heard over the talking of the people who formed a line outside the place. I wondered what time should it be when we could be able of getting inside. The music was loud and the rhythm was making my ears buzz just by listening at it by far. Having bad slept nights is not good for someone’s brain, and loud music and a migraine isn’t a good combination.
Danny held my hand and pulled me towards the big man in a suit in front of the big black door. He wasn’t that tall. But he was large, I mean, he had muscles, big muscles. His eyes were of a green shade that made me get the creeps and his smile was a mixture of hatred and derision. Why do they always pick the scariest guys? No idea, but if the intention is to keep bandits and bums away, they sure have picked perfect people for the job.
Danny stopped in front of the man and smiled widely at him. A lot of people behind us were cursing us for our intrusion, but Danny didn’t seem to mind. I was just too empty to even care what people call me nowadays.
“Hey Mark!” She said nicely and the guys smile turned to a completely true one, a caring and nice one
“Hello Miss Michelson!” Danny smiled widely at him, narrowing her eyes a bit “What can I do for you?”
“Me and my friend… We need to get in as fast as possible, could you let us in?” Mark looked at the door, almost looking if anyone was looking or peeking, confirming he was doing his job right “Please!” Danny begged and he looked from the big black door to her. He was wearing her most persuasive puppy face, and let me tell you, that face is good.
“Okay Miss Michelson, but quick!” He opened the rope and Danny pulled me across first, pushing me against the door. Danny got on the tip of her toes and kissed Markus in the cheek. I widened my eyes, from where does she know this guy? Markus smiled at her, polite and Danny pushed me towards the door even more. The people in line were booing now.
I turned the big handle and we were immediately swallowed by an active environment. The place was crowded already and it’s nine, imagine when it’s midnight. Danny held my hand again and pulled me towards the bar. She leaned in the counter and called the barman, who, after giving her some dirty looks I would not appreciate if they were directed to me, walked in her direction and took her order. I sat in a chair that was empty next to her and talked loudly over the music
“From where do you know Mark?” I asked
“Hum?” She asked. My voice was being completely smothered by the music and I knew it
“From where do you know Mark?” I talked loudly and Danny smiled
“He’s one of my mom’s friends! He was her security!” She yelled next to my ear. The sound of her words, although, looked like a whisper in a normal environment! But sure, we were not in a normal environment.
The bartender came back with two glasses and handed them to Danny who handed one to me. I, unconsciously, took the straw to my mouth and pulled some of the liquid into my mouth. I instantly spit it out, making the dancing couple next to us get wet with alcohol particles that were now in the air. The cussed me and I apologized. I landed the glass on the counter. I turned to Danny who was already laughing in my face. I showed her my tong and she grabbed my hand, yelling.
“Let’s go dance!” She pulled me to the middle of the dance floor. It was crowded and the environment smelled like alcohol and sweat. Danny started dancing and I stood there, froze as a rock.
I took a look at the club. The walls had small purple light impregnated, lights that slowly moved from stronger to lighter and then strong again, repeatedly. There were also purple spotlights, roaming across the crowd, blinding some of the people, and when I say some of the people, I say me. The space was decorated with round tables and black leather couches. Danny was now closer to me and she was dancing for her life. I smiled at her and kept looking around.
There was a higher floor from the one we were at, one that was only reachable by some stairs and those were being guarded by two body guards. So that was the VIP section. I looked up, not surprised to find that the tables were wider and the couches way better. The tables were rectangular and bigger, the couches larger and they also looked comfier.
My heart dropped when I saw one table in particular. One table with people who I wanted to escape from as hard as I could. Niall’s band mates were there!
It was only too surprising when I saw him walking towards the table with a round of drinks. He landed them on the table and sat on the couch. This was too much for me to take, too much for my crippled heart to take right now. He was so pretty, dressed in his green shirt and large black pants. A pair of black nerd glasses were holding on his nose and his hair threads were bristling towards the roof of the building. Astonishing! And I look like a dirty rag, all pale and tired, huge bags under my eyes and my head pumping.
I turned to Danny, my eyes already partially wet. She immediately stopped dancing, her lips pressed in a thin line.
“What’s wrong?” She asked
“Niall’s here!” I said
“What?”
“Niall’s here!” I repeated
“WHAT?” I rolled my eyes
“NIALL’S HERE!” I yelled over the music, making some of the people around us turn to face us like we were crazy. Danny sighed and looked towards the ground, to her heels.
“Ignore him! Or try and call his attention by showing him you are happy!” I nodded
Wich one of them should I do? Well, ignore him after seeing that beautiful human being was completely impossible. How could I make him notice me? Before I could think about the answer of the question, Danny pulled me to dance with her and I did so.Don’t know if it was the small amount of alcohol I have tasted, but I danced.
I really dance, and it was awesome. I moved my hips from one side to the other, following Danny in her movements. I was, actually, having a good time doing it. I was aware that my laugh was probably too loud but I didn’t care, I was enjoying a moment with my best friend. Something I haven’t done for a long time.
I felt two hands holding my waist. I smiled, thinking I had reached the end of the mission and was successful. I just wasn’t expecting him to touch me. I started dancing to provoke him even more, but something warned me not to, soothing that was a completely worried Danny. She shook her head negatively and only then I turned.
I turned not to find Niall but another guy I have never saw before. He had black hair and grey eyes, those who give you the creeps, but worst than Mark. He smiled maliciously and held my waist, pulling me closer to him. My flat palms were now landed on his chest, pushing him behind. But he was stronger than me and, probably caused by the fact he was drunk, it only made him angrier that I was pushing him back and not giving into him.
“Let me go!” I yelled over the song. Oh please, not again “Please!”
“C’mon shawty, let’s have some fun!” His accent was American. I pushed him more away from me. I turned around to look for Danny who was now talking to the bartender, probably telling him to bring Markus in.
But as soon as my eyes left Danny, they saw something that gave me much more confidence than Mark. I saw Niall running down the stairs and jumping over the handrail because the body guards would waste time he didn’t have, time we didn’t have.
He ran through the people towards me. I was now punching the guy’s chest while he grabbed my thighs. I closed my eyes, turning my head to the right. My body was left cold and I opened my eyes. Niall was in front of the guy and then, he punched him, just like that. The guy fell down in the ground and Niall leaned in one leg to warn him.
“Don’t touch her you son of a bitch!” I was already crying
My sobs got Niall’s attention and he ran towards me, getting me up from the ground. The people who had formed a circle around us were now dancing again, careless about what might happen in there. Niall’s hands wrapped around my waist, in a hug but I pulled him back. No, I’m not letting him touch me.
“Go away!” I said, cleaning the tears with the back of my hand
“I can’t!” He yelled
“Why?” I asked
“Because I want you, because I need you, because I love you! I know I was a coward. I know I was week, but please forgive me! You have no idea how bad I felt in the past week! Please!” He begged
“How can I believe when you tell me you love me?” I asked and he shivered
“Please Princess. The idea of someone else having you is like a knife stuck in my chest! Please, I love you!” He begged
“How can I be sure you love me?” I said, more tears running down my cheeks
“I can prove it if you let me. Do you trust me?” I though a bit before I nodded. Sure, it wasn’t the same it was before, but there was a part of me that still held him close in my chest, and deep down I knew I could trust him “Let’s go to my house!”
He held my hand, making every part of my body claim for more of his touch. He pulled me across the club and towards the door.
“Wait!” I yelled and he stopped “Danny!” I called and she jogged towards us “Danny, I’m… I’m leaving with him!” I said and she gave me a disapproving look “Danny, I…” She cut me off
“I know!” She nodded “Go!”
“I can’t leave you alone!” Niall barged in the conversation and held a ticket for Danny.
“Give this to the securities and they’ll let you walk through! Sit next to the rest of the band and tell them your Johanna’s friend, they will gladly accept you!” He said and Danny held the ticket
“Thanks!” She was already turning when Niall called her name
“Danny!” She turned to us and Niall finished talking “Thank you for the slap!” He smiled towards the ground and Danny smiled too
“Any time!” She giggled and ran towards the stairs.
I turned to Niall, frowning and he gave me a weak smile
“She slapped me when I broke up with you!” I cringed and turned pale again. Niall became pale the exact time he took a look at my face. “Which won’t happen again! But come, it’s time for me to show you that I love you!”

Notes

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