Ashton’s P.O.V.


“So,” Rachel began the conversation, before taking a sip of her coffee.

“So,” I replied, suddenly unsure of what to say. How was I possibly supposed to make her understand that what I had done with Delia didn’t change how I felt about her.

When she continued to look at me expectantly, I sighed.

“Hear me out, okay?”

She simply continued to look at me, but I took her silence as an indication to continue.

“What happened with Delia, I know it was awful, I know you hate me because of it and I get it, but I never stopped loving you, Rachel,” I started.

“Before we got together, Rach, I was so hung up on you. Since the day we first met, at that stupid party, I was into you, no one has ever come close to that,” I continued. “For a year and a half, I was just your friend, but I always wanted to be so much more, I wanted you in every way possible.”

“Ashton if you’re just trying to flatter me-“

“I’m not, I’m just letting you know that there was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted you, that I - that I loved you,” I interrupted her, finally a clear path or where I was going with this.

“The first time I slept with Delia, it was after a fight we had. A bad one. The guilt I felt Rachel, it was horrendous, I thought I was just going to die I felt so bad, and we made up the next day and you were so sweet and apologetic. I felt like getting sick,” I told her.

“But - But there was something about Delia that kept drawing me back to her. That makes me a terrible person, I know. You were everything I had wanted, for so long, and I loved you, but I couldn’t stay away from her either,” I continued.

“I’m so sorry that I hurt you Rachel, I am so so sorry, and I miss you so much. But I get that you could never forgive me for what I did, there’s no excuse. Maybe I just put too much pressure on our relationship, maybe I had built up this perfect idea of what we were in the year and a half before we got together,” I rambled, trying to get across my thoughts as soon as they came, before I couldn’t phrase them

“Maybe I just couldn’t handle us being more than friends, I don’t know, I don’t even know what I’m saying, Rachel, I’m sorry,” I gushed.

Rachel took another sip of her coffee, watching me closely, unsure if I had finished or not.

“Wow,” she eventually murmured.

“Emm, okay. Can I ask you something?” She said eventually, her voice soft.

“You just did,” I quipped back, without thinking.

She rolled her eyes, but smiled slightly in response. The first smile I had gotten from her in a long time. I couldn’t help but smile back at her.

“What I wanted to ask was, why did it happen a second time? I mean we had a big fight, you were upset and drunk and you slept with Delia. It happened. But why did you keep going back to her. Why did it keep happening, especially if you felt as guilty as you say?”

I sighed at the question, unsure of how to respond.

"I honestly don't know how to answer that question, Rachel. With her everything just felt different and exciting and I guess I just kind of -"

"Fell for her," she finished for me, her eyes widening at the words, as if she had suddenly realised something major.

"Shit, Ashton. You have feelings for Delia? I thought you guys were just sleeping together," her tone was curious, she suddenly seemed a lot less icy than before.

"You know shes in love with you, right?" she continued, before I had a chance to interrupt.

She was leaning forward now, feeding me the information eagerly. It reminded of a time, back when we were best friends and she'd excitedly gush about the latest gossip she'd heard. I felt a pang of loss, realising how much I'd really missed spending time with her.

"Delia's not in love with me, Rachel," I told her, rolling my eyes.

"Well, how do you feel about her?" she asked.

How did I feel about Delia? How was I supposed to answer that question. I loved Rachel, I still loved her so much.But that didn't stop me from feeling something for Delia, it was just a matter of what.

"That doesn't matter, what matters is that I miss you, and I hate not being friends with you, its making this whole place suck," I avoided her question.

"I know how badly I hurt you, and I'm sure you still hate me, but is there any way we could maybe try being friends again, anytime in the near or distant future?" I asked softly, wanting to focus on the point while she was willing to hear me out.

"Ashton, it's not that I don't miss being friends with you too, I'm just not sure I can just move past everything that happened. I trusted you, and you totally screwed me over," she told me, but she didn't seem nearly as closed off to the idea as she had been before.

"I understand. I know you don't trust me right now, but please give me the chance to try and make it right. Before we got together, you were one of my best friends. I know there's no chance of us getting back together but maybe we could try get back some of that friendship we lost," I continued, hoping to win her over.

She sighed, pulling her lip between her teeth.

"I'm gonna need some time to think about it, Ashton," she admitted, just as her phone vibrated on the table.

She checked it, looking confused at the whatever she had received.

"Hey, I have to go, Harry says there's something important we need to talk about," she explained quickly, looking conflicted, when she met my eye.

"Of course, just think about it, and if you want to talk again, call me," I answered, hoping that she would.

She gave me a half smile and nodded.

"Sure, I'll see you around, Ashton," she replied, as she stood up. "Thanks for the coffee," she added, as she lifted it off the table.

I smiled in response.

"Bye, Rachel," I spoke softly, watching as she walked away. Once she had left the coffee shop I let out a sigh. That had gone.. better than I had expected. Now I just had to wait and see if she was willing to try rekindle our friendship.

My thoughts kept wandering to what she had said about Delia. I really needed to figure out the Delia situation before I ended up losing her as a friend too with my stupidity. I sighed, sipping on my coffee. What a mess I had gotten myself into.

Notes