Help Me
Chapter twelve - Burden
Dark branches seem to snatch at my hair as I race through the forest. I stumble over roots and fallen branches, my lungs aching with effort. My panic grows larger as I hear him gaining on me, branches breaking only a few metres behind me under his feet. I hear his mocking laughter echoing through the trees, surrounding me and dulling my senses to anything else. My arms are pumping furiously, my bare feet cut and bleeding. Something is grabbing at my arms and legs, dragging me down. I glance down and see dark vines covered in thorns winding around my ankles. I try to keep running but am pulled to the ground roughly. I scream out, "no!", as his face comes into view, leering down at me. I keep screaming, my voice wringing in my ears along with his laughter as he grabs my arm and starts shaking me. "No!" His mouth is still forming a laughing circle, but he's yelling one word. "Brooke!" I try to wrench my arm out of his grasp but he keeps shaking me, calling my name. "Brooke... Brooke!" The forest is fading away, only leaving the shaking of my arm and the calling of my name. The shaking is becoming more persistent, and I can see something white above me.
"Brooke!" I gasp awake. Caitlin's anxious face is peering down at me, her hand on my arm. "You were screaming and shaking in your sleep!" I breath out shakily and look around. It's darker in the room now, the sun long gone behind the horizon. The episode of Brooklyn nine-nine is finished, the end credits paused on the screen. The boys are all crowding behind Caitlin, staring at me with a mixture of fear and pity. It's killing me, seeing that look in everyone's eyes. "I'm ok, just a bad dream, that's all." Her eyes narrow at me. "That sounded like a lot more than a bad dream to me. I'm serious, are you ok?" I brush her pity off, grabbing the pile of fresh clothes that sit beside me. Comfy fatpants and my favourite adidas hoodie. "What? I'm fine!" I grab the portable IV rack and my crutches, and with difficulty, hobble over to the bathroom, ignoring the fact that everyone knows I'm not meant to be moving and my leg hurts like a bitch.
As soon as the door is shut and locked I collapse onto the floor, throwing my crutches to the floor. Fighting tears, I pull on the fresh clothes, awkwardly lying on the hard bathroom tiles. Once I'm done, I notice a little bit of fresh blood soaking the bandage on my stomach. Shit. There's a large bathtub on one side of the bath room, and I drag my lifeless lower half over the ground until I am awkwardly sitting sideways in the tub. My injured leg hangs over the side while the rest of my body is squished into the small space.
I let one small tear slip out of my eye as I sigh shakily and lean back, resting my head against the cool wall. My portable IV drip is still on the ground next to the bath, its wheels meaning it can come anywhere with me. This sucks. I'm still not over the fact that I've become friends with the biggest boyband on the planet, and right now my head is spinning with all of the thoughts running through it. There's a quiet knock on the door, but I ignore it, trying to quiet the sounds of my tears.
"Brooke?" Silence. Caitlin's trying to speak to me but I'm not answering. "Brooke? Can we please talk?" No. She knows I won't. "The boys are gone. The nurse said they could all spend the night, so they've gone to get us all Maccas for dinner. Paddy's outside your room but that's it. Please talk to me." Ok. I pull myself back out of the tub and across to the door, my IV squeaking behind me. I'm ignoring the pain in my stomach that's getting worse and worse. My back rests against the door, and I stare at the slightly blurry blank wall, thanks to the unshed tears in my eyes.
"I'm scared", I whisper. I hear her shift slightly on the other side of the door. "I know", she says. "So am I."
We sit like that for ages, just me and her. I stare at the white wall of the bathroom, the cool touch of the wooden door calming me. I feel like now that there's this barrier between us, I can actually talk to her, without having to endure the pitying stares or the help with everything. "I just feel... weak. And I know everyone's just trying to help, but I just feel awkward and uncomfortable. I'm dragging you all down. Especially the boys. I'm just another stupid fan who they're taking pity on. In two weeks they'll be gone and I'll be back to my old life, but with more staring and whispers than normal.
"God, I'm such a burden, I don't even understand why they're still here!" I lean back and sigh, my rant finished. A sob makes its way to the back of my throat, and I shakily rest my head in my hands. "I'm a fucking burden... you guys don't deserve this." She's been silent the whole time. I can still hear her breathing though, she must have listened to me. I wait, expecting something in reply.
When nothing is said for over a minute, I sigh and make my way slowly, painfully, back to the bathtub. A razor sits on the edge of the tub, its cool metal glinting invitingly. I sit there, just holding it in my hands. I've read about self harm in plenty of fanfics, but I've never, ever thought about doing it. I wonder if it works? Will it make me feel something other than scared, hurt, frustrated... broken? I finger the cool plastic covering, feeling the smooth and rough of it. I can still hear Caitlin breathing through the door, but no reply has come yet.
Suddenly, I realise what I was just about to do. In horror, I throw the razor across the floor, where it clatters to a stop against the far wall. I'm breathing heavily, shaking slightly. What is wrong with me? I'm so scared, just so scared I can't think straight.
I hear a click from the door, and a triumphant, "got it!", before the lock turns and the door opens. A brunette head pokes its way in, and takes in the scene of the razor lying, discarded in the floor. Slowly, Louis walks over to me, shaking his head. He climbs into the bathtub next to me, as I grip my hands to attempt to stop the shaking.
"You're not... you're not a burden." Bullshit. Everyone knows that I am. I can see it in their stares. When I don't make a sound, he grabs my hands and massages them to make the blood flow again. I can't even look at him.
"What's wrong with me?" I need someone, anyone to answer my question. I'm crumbling, and I don't know if anyone sees it.He puts a comforting arm around my shoulders. "I don't know if you can see it, but me and the boys love you two! You are the first fans we've met that actually treat us like humans, rather than some kind of man-gods! We love being around you, and we're certainly not just hanging around because we feel sorry for you. Don't ever think that we don't want to be here, because so far you two have been a relief from our lives, and I know for sure you're already starting to feel like my little sister."
I smile and lean against him. "Thank you, Louis." He strokes his hand through my hair relaxingly. We sit in the bath, crushed against the wall, in the most uncomfortable position ever. But at the same time, it was the most comfortable I have ever been. My head slumped onto his shoulder, and as the exhaustion catches up with me, my eyes drift shut.
Warm hands slide under my knees and behind my back, and I sleepily open my eyes to see Louis carrying me out of the bathroom. He smiles down at me and says, "go back to sleep, I didn't mean to wake you". I gratefully shut my eyes again, and soon feel the soft warm sheets of my bed against my back.
"Brooke!" I gasp awake. Caitlin's anxious face is peering down at me, her hand on my arm. "You were screaming and shaking in your sleep!" I breath out shakily and look around. It's darker in the room now, the sun long gone behind the horizon. The episode of Brooklyn nine-nine is finished, the end credits paused on the screen. The boys are all crowding behind Caitlin, staring at me with a mixture of fear and pity. It's killing me, seeing that look in everyone's eyes. "I'm ok, just a bad dream, that's all." Her eyes narrow at me. "That sounded like a lot more than a bad dream to me. I'm serious, are you ok?" I brush her pity off, grabbing the pile of fresh clothes that sit beside me. Comfy fatpants and my favourite adidas hoodie. "What? I'm fine!" I grab the portable IV rack and my crutches, and with difficulty, hobble over to the bathroom, ignoring the fact that everyone knows I'm not meant to be moving and my leg hurts like a bitch.
As soon as the door is shut and locked I collapse onto the floor, throwing my crutches to the floor. Fighting tears, I pull on the fresh clothes, awkwardly lying on the hard bathroom tiles. Once I'm done, I notice a little bit of fresh blood soaking the bandage on my stomach. Shit. There's a large bathtub on one side of the bath room, and I drag my lifeless lower half over the ground until I am awkwardly sitting sideways in the tub. My injured leg hangs over the side while the rest of my body is squished into the small space.
I let one small tear slip out of my eye as I sigh shakily and lean back, resting my head against the cool wall. My portable IV drip is still on the ground next to the bath, its wheels meaning it can come anywhere with me. This sucks. I'm still not over the fact that I've become friends with the biggest boyband on the planet, and right now my head is spinning with all of the thoughts running through it. There's a quiet knock on the door, but I ignore it, trying to quiet the sounds of my tears.
"Brooke?" Silence. Caitlin's trying to speak to me but I'm not answering. "Brooke? Can we please talk?" No. She knows I won't. "The boys are gone. The nurse said they could all spend the night, so they've gone to get us all Maccas for dinner. Paddy's outside your room but that's it. Please talk to me." Ok. I pull myself back out of the tub and across to the door, my IV squeaking behind me. I'm ignoring the pain in my stomach that's getting worse and worse. My back rests against the door, and I stare at the slightly blurry blank wall, thanks to the unshed tears in my eyes.
"I'm scared", I whisper. I hear her shift slightly on the other side of the door. "I know", she says. "So am I."
We sit like that for ages, just me and her. I stare at the white wall of the bathroom, the cool touch of the wooden door calming me. I feel like now that there's this barrier between us, I can actually talk to her, without having to endure the pitying stares or the help with everything. "I just feel... weak. And I know everyone's just trying to help, but I just feel awkward and uncomfortable. I'm dragging you all down. Especially the boys. I'm just another stupid fan who they're taking pity on. In two weeks they'll be gone and I'll be back to my old life, but with more staring and whispers than normal.
"God, I'm such a burden, I don't even understand why they're still here!" I lean back and sigh, my rant finished. A sob makes its way to the back of my throat, and I shakily rest my head in my hands. "I'm a fucking burden... you guys don't deserve this." She's been silent the whole time. I can still hear her breathing though, she must have listened to me. I wait, expecting something in reply.
When nothing is said for over a minute, I sigh and make my way slowly, painfully, back to the bathtub. A razor sits on the edge of the tub, its cool metal glinting invitingly. I sit there, just holding it in my hands. I've read about self harm in plenty of fanfics, but I've never, ever thought about doing it. I wonder if it works? Will it make me feel something other than scared, hurt, frustrated... broken? I finger the cool plastic covering, feeling the smooth and rough of it. I can still hear Caitlin breathing through the door, but no reply has come yet.
Suddenly, I realise what I was just about to do. In horror, I throw the razor across the floor, where it clatters to a stop against the far wall. I'm breathing heavily, shaking slightly. What is wrong with me? I'm so scared, just so scared I can't think straight.
I hear a click from the door, and a triumphant, "got it!", before the lock turns and the door opens. A brunette head pokes its way in, and takes in the scene of the razor lying, discarded in the floor. Slowly, Louis walks over to me, shaking his head. He climbs into the bathtub next to me, as I grip my hands to attempt to stop the shaking.
"You're not... you're not a burden." Bullshit. Everyone knows that I am. I can see it in their stares. When I don't make a sound, he grabs my hands and massages them to make the blood flow again. I can't even look at him.
"What's wrong with me?" I need someone, anyone to answer my question. I'm crumbling, and I don't know if anyone sees it.He puts a comforting arm around my shoulders. "I don't know if you can see it, but me and the boys love you two! You are the first fans we've met that actually treat us like humans, rather than some kind of man-gods! We love being around you, and we're certainly not just hanging around because we feel sorry for you. Don't ever think that we don't want to be here, because so far you two have been a relief from our lives, and I know for sure you're already starting to feel like my little sister."
I smile and lean against him. "Thank you, Louis." He strokes his hand through my hair relaxingly. We sit in the bath, crushed against the wall, in the most uncomfortable position ever. But at the same time, it was the most comfortable I have ever been. My head slumped onto his shoulder, and as the exhaustion catches up with me, my eyes drift shut.
Warm hands slide under my knees and behind my back, and I sleepily open my eyes to see Louis carrying me out of the bathroom. He smiles down at me and says, "go back to sleep, I didn't mean to wake you". I gratefully shut my eyes again, and soon feel the soft warm sheets of my bed against my back.
Notes
WOOOOO!! I'm in an amazing mood because I just spent seven hours babysitting the shittiest kids, and I'm getting sick, and I'm missing out on my friend's birthday party... BUT NO WORRIES because people are starting to vote and subscribe!!! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!
Thank you all so much <3
Half_a_heart x
Will you continue this story???
6/17/17