Icing on the Cake

~35~ FIVE YEARS FORWARD

In a way, I got everything I always wanted. I got Calum. I got to be in the band. We got to tour the world. We lived the dream.

But there’s a price tag attached to fame. You loose your sense of identity. You start to loose who you are.

We had barely started touring with One Direction when our managers told Calum and I that we were spending way too much time together.

“But we are together. Together together.” We would tell them.

Our managers said no one could know we were together and no one could know that we were gay. They put us back in the closet. These conditions had to be met before we could sign a record label for our first album and before we could sign on for our own headlining tour.

Ashton and Michael pushed us to do whatever they wanted. We did, but it was hurtful because no one asked them to do anything different. Ashton and Michael were the outgoing ones, and I somehow became the heartthrob. I told them that I was more on the shy side and didn’t fit that role. They told me to fit it, or no contracts. I had to pretend to be straight.

We had just started the Rock Out With Your Socks Out tour when the managers started telling me that I was too feminine. They told me to “butch up” my presence. I had to grow a beard, dress more manly and talk in a lower voice.

This was making my life miserable. Every tweet, gram, snap was a lie. It was an act. Ashton and Michael were having the time of their lives and Calum and I were suffering because we couldn’t be together. We wrote the song “Invisible” about being in the closet. The walls were built to keep me safe I can’t escape. We wrote the Sounds Good Feels Good album while on the Rock Out With Your Socks Out tour.

After our tour ended, we focused on putting the new album together and then promoting it. We did a lot of promo. I hated it because I had to be someone I wasn’t. I was trying to enjoy living the dream I always wanted, but it was hard to.

The managers then told me that I needed a girlfriend. Just to reinforce my so called “heterosexuality” and keep up the “butch and manly” appearance. As if the damn hair on my face I hated with a passion wasn’t enough. She was an actress, her name was “Arzalyea” and she was my girlfriend. We had to pose for pictures that looked like we hated the cameras and take a couple photos of us making out. I felt like I was cheating on Calum.

The only alone time Calum and I had was on our days off and when we would cuddle at night on the bus during tour.

We were preparing for our Sounds Live Feels Live tour, and the managers started controlling, after controlling what I shaved, what I wore and who I dated, what I ate. They said that I had to release a shirtless picture by the start of the tour. I hated doing that, I was so uncomfortable. I felt like a prostitute.

The Rolling Stones Article came out. They told us to say things that could be suggestive and taken out of context, and it blew up exactly how they wanted it to. It did what they wanted, sell shit tons of magazines, but at the expense of our public image. People were thinking I was having sex with multiple girls a night. When in reality all I wanted was to be with Calum for one night. I had decided, we had decided, we were ready to do it, but we didn’t want to when we were in this charade.

People wanted pictures of me with my family. I took legit pictures with my brothers, because they’re awesome, but I hadn’t spoke to my parents since they kicked me out, so they hired people to pose as my parents for social media. Literally, they hired models that had resemblance to me.

Whenever I threatened not to go along with what the managers wanted, they said to me that I would let down all my friends that are my bandmates. They put that pressure on me. It was all on my shoulders.

Towards the end of the Sounds Live Feels Live tour, we had a third album coming along pretty well. It was looking like another October release and new year start of new tour.

I had reached a point where I had been a fake bitch for the public eye for so long that I was done. We had a fan base, I figured we could start being themselves and they couldn’t dump us because the fans wanted us so bad.

It was the last stop on the Sounds Live Feels Live tour. We had signed a record deal for our third album, and negotiations were along the way for a third headline tour. It was the last night, and I decided to make the announcement that would shock the world, and possibly bring down all of our careers. When we were about to leave stage, I made the announcement.

Calum knew I was going to do it, and after coaxing, I got him on board. But the other two had no clue.

I announced that for the last five years, Calum and I had been dating. People screamed, and murmured. I didn’t know if they believed it or not. Calum and I walked to each other, and, on stage, started making out.

The crowd went crazy. It was so damn loud.

The next day, it was all over every celebrity news that existed. Some people believed it was legit, but some thought it was a publicity stunt.

Our managers freaked out and said they wouldn’t give us a third tour. It rocked my relationship with Ashton and Michael. They were mad at us for what we did, potentially ruining our careers.

Negotiations went on for weeks after the tour for the new tour. During interviews, we said it was legit and the new tour was still being negotiated.

We finally got an answer. The new album had to be released. But there would be no more tour. There would be no more brand. There would be no more 5 Seconds of Summer.

Notes