My Light

Zayn's POV

“So you all knew?” I ask, my hand shaky as I try to stir my coffee which is loaded with creamer and sugar, the only way I'll enjoy it. I can't believe what I'm hearing as I'm listening to my family chatter around the kitchen table. I lean back, observing everyone's reactions from my question, waiting for someone to say something, anything. “You all knew?” I ask again, slamming my fist on the table causing my mum to jump in my seat.

“Zayn. You have to understand.” She leans forward and reaches for my hand but I can't help my reaction to jerk away a little bit. I can see right away that she's hurt by my gesture, but I've been hurt by hers.

“Sorry.” I mutter.

“I love Perrie. She's like a daughter to me and you have to understand that it's hard for me to let go. I can't just cut her out of my life. If she calls, I'm going to answer. She's a sweet girl, she was in our life for so long.” She fumbles with her hair a little bit, looking down as I can see she's biting back tears. “I tried to ignore her. I tried. But we have a relationship.”

“What about me? You're my mother. I wouldn't have been mad to find out you still chat with Perrie. That part doesn't bother me. You can talk to whom ever you want, and if that includes her that's fine. I just would have liked to know that she was engaged to my former best friend, and I would have liked to know before I randomly ran into them in the studio. And before it was released all over the media.” The truth is I'm not really mad at my parents, I'm mad at myself for getting so worked up about this. I can tell myself over and over again about how things didn't work out between us but all it does it remind me of the fact that I failed.

I failed at my marriage.

I failed with the band.

I've failed at friendships.

You always feel like starting over is a good thing, but it's difficult. It's hard to be back at square one when you've been to the top of the top. It's hard when you've earned everything on a golden platter and you just let it fall. I just get tired.

And Nora has literally saved me. She has no idea, I'll tell her eventually, I know I need to but it's like she saves me everyday. Every day some memory of her pulls me back to a good place. And I need to just remember that right now.

“Zayn. How could I tell you? I knew you'd give me that face you're giving me right now and I wouldn't know how to handle it. You and your sisters come before anyone else. I swear I have your best interests at heart and I just wanted to protect you.”

“I know mum. I'm just.” I pause and rub my temples. “I'm sorry, I don't mean to get so upset but it's just so personal. I mean, I have Nora so it's not like I can't say anything but she's been with him for so long, it's like our marriage and divorce did nothing for her. It's like the divorce didn't effect her one bit. It nearly crushed me.” I push my coffee cup away, the taste is something I'll never get used to.

“ know Zayn. I tried to be there for you. You just pushed all of us away. You left to New York and hardly called. You can back for Niall's wedding, stuck around for a month then you left again. I tried to reach out to you, we all did.” She reaches out for my hand and this time I let her take it. This is a conversation that has been long overdue.

I put my head down and take a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I prepare for this conversation to continue.

“And this Nora.” My mum starts and takes another sip of her cup. I've noticed that my father and my sisters have left from the table, quietly as to not disturb our conversation. “Zayn. I just want you to guard your heart more. I hate that you've done this to yourself. You've beat yourself up for so long. I'm just afraid that you'll get lost again in this woman.” She tells me gently.

“I understand your reservations.” I prop my elbows on my knees and lean forward. “But she's different. I've never thought of anyone else but her. With Perrie my mind often wondered to things it shouldn't have. Nora makes me forget about being sad. She makes me forget about being a failure.” I watch as she wipes the tears away from her face.

“Zayn. You're not a failure.” Her shoulders drop as does her chin. I can see her fiddling with her hair again, it's always been her go to thing when she gets nervous or upset about something. She's always messing with her face or her hair. As if to cover up her feelings. “Look at your life. Look at everything you've done. You've made millions of people happy with the music you created. You've made your father and I so proud. Your sisters look up to you more than you will ever know. You are never a failure. Sometimes things don't work out, you can't base your life on a few things that went wrong. You're not the only person in the world that has gotten divorced. You're not the only person in the world that has lost friends.”

“I know mum. I know. It's just not how I pictured my life going about.” I tell her honestly. “I just wanted what everyone else wants. I wanted a fairly tale ending. I thought Perrie was it. But I honestly think that Nora is. I know it hasn't been that long that I've known her but there is just something about her. Something that I just can't seem to shake.” My nose itches just a bit and I can't help but assume that maybe she's thinking of me as I'm thinking of her. I've always been told that someone is thinking about you when your nose itches. It's probably stupid but something that keeps a smile on my face.

“And this Nora.” My mum starts.

“I really think you'll love her. She's sweet. She's always putting others before herself. She's someone that I can just be myself with. I feel like I haven't had that feeling I so long. I don't even have to try and hid it.” I smile at the thought of her. I can't wait to get back and see her. I just want to be next to her.

“You can be yourself with us.” She squeezes my hand.

“I know mum. I know. It's just hard to by myself around everyone else. It's hard to drop the guard.” I assure her. It's the truth. You get a little bit of fame and money and it's difficult to determine if people are using you for your money and fame of if they actually want to be around you. Looking back one might assume that Perrie used me to promote her band. I mean, jumping to conclusions she was well known after we started dating. Her band really took off when ours ended and I don't blame her for that. Things just happen that way. And now she's with Shahid, whose a top producer. Maybe they're using each other. It's not my place to judge, it's not my place to make assumptions but it's a thought that crosses my mind.

I will always hold a special place in my heart for her but it's a small part now, I think it's getting smaller and smaller as time goes on. As Nora continues to be in my life it's like the love I have for her fills all the gaps in my heart, it helps me move on.

It's hard right now, we haven't had the best communication since I've left. I know she's been busy with the flower shop lately and I don't try to push it but it's difficult to not talk to her every day.

“So when are you returning to see her?” She lets go of my hand and messes with her hair again. I know this is difficult for her. She a mum, she only wants the best for all of her children but she has to trust me and know that I know what I'm doing. I'm not a child anymore.

“Soon. Probably after New Years. I want to be back for a few months before I come back and be here for the baby to come. I'm finally going to be an uncle and I want to be here to support my sister. I want to bring Nora back to meet everyone.” I lean back and study her reaction. It's a little blank. Nothing much to go off of. “Is that okay? Will you want to meet her then? I haven't even asked her if she can come but that is my plan in my head I guess.” I chuckle a bit as I think it's funny that I've planned all this out but don't know how it's actually going to work out.

“I'd love to meet her Zayn.” She stands and squeezes me shoulders and kissing my hair gently. I sit back and feel like I finally get to breathe as she leaves the room. I've felt like I've just been fighting with my family about Nora and letting Nora in. And finally, the door is open.

Notes

Divorce is messy. It's not just the husband and wife that are effected, it's hard for everyone in the family. Nora and Zayn have so much stacked against them at the moment. We still have some time to go so don't give up yet! Thank you all for reading, commenting, voting, subscribing, you're all amazing. :_

Happy Monday.

xoxoxox