January 21st – Day 36
It was another day I'm passing Harry Styles hospital door, he was resting his head on side as he looked to the TV, and it was nothing but the news… I said:' News?'
'I hate to see it but I have too' I took a seat as he continued:' when I look to these people I thank god I don't have to live in this complicated world anymore'.
I smiled softly, it was sad to hear 18 years old boy saying this as if he had hundred years of life.
'What are we going to do this week?' he asked as I said:' what do you wanna do?'He said:' your school? It was nice idea… I hope you still want to show me its'.
'Of course, I want to' beautiful smile took place on his lips as he said:' okay, I'll be ready in minutes'.
I smiled as I took my usual place when he wants to change, I checked my notebook, I sent message to Liam telling him I might be late a bit so he wouldn't wait me.
Someone knocked the door when Harry said:' minute!' the nurse's voice came from the other side as she said:' okay'.
'Okay now come' he was tightening his white converse as the nurse from the last week came in saying:' going somewhere?' Harry looked at me when I said:' small walk that's all' she smiled saying:' okay'.
Harry was busy with his shoes when the nurse asked me for minute, I followed her, she said:' we'd started giving him extra painkiller today' I felt a bit hurt in my heart I donnu why I knew they have too but my heart know exactly what does it mean to have extra painkiller for cancer patient, there's no response I knew this was coming but I didn't want to start dealing with it… I wanted to ignore the whole part about him dying.
'He would be a little dizzy & loopy for a while 'till his body get used to the drug, might be taking few days' I nodded when she said:' just wanted you to know since you going to walk'.
'Thank you for telling me' I said as she turned to the door saying:' have fun' Harry said:' it was close!' I said:' scared?' he said:' a bit, I didn't want the journey to your school missed 'cause of her any way' I smile saying:' someone exciting'.
'I should be, it's your school and reminds you about visiting your house where you were raised' he said with grin on his face… I can't believe he wanted this really, I was surprised.
'I thought you wouldn't be interesting about all of this' I said following him as he put his phone in his pocket as he said:' of course I would be interesting, babe'.
I followed him out of his room he said:' hope we're going out easily' I said realizing:' did you just called me BABE?' he said:' yea, hope you don't mind?' I said:' o-okay'.
It was easy as the last time the nurse was shy and few grins were so enough for her to let us out, it was so cheap to flirt with the nurse every time I wanted to get him outta of the hospital, I was used to do so many things I never did since I met him, he was missing my head to do such stupid things… but doesn't matter? Not really I just wanted to make him have lovely time even if I had to flirt with the nurse.
'Don't let my hand whatever? Okay? I don't want us separated in London's metro crow' I said as we head outta of the hospital door, he said chuckling:' I'm so okay with that.
I took his hand into mine as I said:' if you felt dizzy or tired just tell me, we would stop for a while, heard that?' he nodded he looked different… he looked happy, looking back at the time when I entered his room for the first time, all this sadness just no where to be seen now… I'm so glade that he can see another part of life even if that's so late but at least he had a chance to feel it before its all…over.
I cut two tickets on the train that going to Doncaster after few minutes, I said:' two tickets!' he said:' I think we should hurry, the train going in minute'… I looked at the screen.
We were lucky to catch up with it; we were catching our breaths heavily as it was so hard on me… I coughed when I looked in my bag for the coughing drops when Harry looked at me saying:' I can't wait to be there' I said:' it wouldn't take long'.
I went into the school asking him to wait me for a minute; I wanted to show him specific part of my old school… the theater.
Like one of us was so lucky that everything went easy, I met my old Drama teacher he had knew me as special student in the Drama class, let's say Grease Play was my favorite one 'cause it made road for me in acting career but after cancer I quit acting and everything, I just wanted to help people who goes through that time I been through.
Finally I came out Harry looked worry and I didn't want to give him any signs that we going in today, he said:' what did he say?' I said:' nothing that important' he raised an eyebrow saying:' are we going back?'
'Actually we are not heading anywhere but inside' I said, when he smiled hitting my ribs. I ached as he said:' Stop being such a sassy'
'I'm not sassy' I said as I took his hand heading the theater inside the building, everybody in their classes, it was normal school day in the school.
We came in Harry smiled saying:' Wow! Your theater is so…beautiful' I smiled, there were some instruments left by the musical band on here, Harry down the stairs to the stage, I watched him when he said:' I was in boy band'.
He walked up to the stage as I said:' you left them 'cause of your brain?' he said:' no, that happened a long time ago before I ever diagnosed… one of the member died in car accident and we couldn't keep on playing the same songs as if he was there 'cause he wasn't there anymore' tear scabbed down his face as he touched the drums saying:' I felt as if I had brother and I lost him again'.
Don't Say Brothers, We must be something more than this.
He looked at me as he said:' I can't believe you are just the therapist' I smiled saying:' I won't be if you didn't want me to' he said:' friend?' I said:' I can be more, Harry' he said:' you right' I smiled as his fingers touched the piano's keys he said:' you are my savor, my wings' I smiled as he said:' what do you can play?' I said:' piano' he said:' classic'.
'What about you?' I said walking towards him, as he said:' I can make the best…' he sat on the seat to the drums as he drummed them with quick beat as he said:' the best noise ever!'
I laughed watching him playing he looked piece of heaven playing those drums happily, he said non-stop playing:' I'm afraid I would love life with you that I would never wanted to die' I said:' it's okay to love life as long as you use it well' he said:' what about the part WITH YOU?' I said:' I would follow you, where ever you are, Harry' he stopped playing and tried to look as if what I said was normal answer to what he said earlier.
'Do you mean you want to be with me?' he asked honestly wanted to know the answer of this question… the one I would say it out loud yes but that was him… he was my patient, patient that I was falling so bad for him, patient who was dying… falling meant that I'm going to break hard and worse that anything could imagine, this fall can't end well, we never going to have happy end by falling for each other.
'Well, do I have a choice in this? Of course I'm going to be with you' I said trying to sound normal, that ended him forcing smile to nothing, I think he wasn't sure if really meant I want to be with him, he got it right in the first time but my answer made it hard to be cleared.
We walked in silent to my house, his halo he had earlier gone after my stupid answer I start to regret it the minute later, I put my hand on his shoulder as I said:' hey, what's wrong?'
'Nothing' he said, and I understand now he can't speak out loud his thoughts that I can not just see but feel it too myself.
'I lied, I'm sorry' I said stop walking when he stopped looking at me when he said:' about what?' he asked.
'About being with you, I want to be with you even if I had choice I would choice to be where you are… I don't want to be away' I replied not looking at him.
'Do you mean it?' he asked softly, I said:' I do mean it' finally I looked at him he was smiling there were tears twinkling in his eyes but he wiped them as he said:' i think somehow you make me feel stronger' I said:' even though I got nothing?' I asked.
'You have more than anybody had' he replied ' you had the wings I always needed' he continued when I smiled saying:' I wouldn't let you fall'.
I rang Mom's door she opened when I saw the surprise grow on her features, she said:' oh my god Louis!' I said:' hello Mom' she pulled me in tight hug rubbing my back as she said:' I missed you so much, I'm so happy you came' I said:' actually I have a guest with me'.
'Please let him in' mom said as Harry walked in saying:' Hello ma'am' I said:' Harry this is my mom Johanna, mom this is Harry Styles' I didn't know what I have to say did I have to say my dearly patient that I'm falling for him? Or should I have said friend? I'm sure about if these two were descripting Harry at all.
'Hey Harry, please come in… nice to meet you' mom said as she offered a seat for him, he was cheered now better than he was before few minutes, after my admission of course.
'How are you Harry?' mom asked when Harry answered:' fine, thank you… I'm so happy to meet you' mom said:' thank you, well are you two friends?' mom investigation is on!
Harry looked at me when he said:' I think we are more than this' I smiled at him looing to his greens… I didn't really realize what did he said basically what did he mean, when I looked at mom saying:' Where's the girls?' mom said:' they gonna be home soon… sorry I have to finish lunch for you all' Harry nodded as I looked at him.
'So here I lived for 20 years of my life' I said as he looked toward the frames on the wall ' can I take a look?' he asked when I nodded as mom said:' I'll call your sisters'.
'You have huge family than I do' he smiled as he looked for my photo with my younger sisters, I said:' you don't have brothers and sisters?' he said:' only one Gemma' I said:' you must be close friends'.
'Yea, we weren't like that 'till I was older and she had to move for her own life' he said, I asked:' you still contacting her right?' he nodded as he put his finger tips on baby photo of mine.
'Louis?' mom called from the kitchen I looked at Harry excusing him to go to answer her he nodded, looking back to the photos.
I walked into the kitchen when mom said:' is he your boyfriend?' I looked at Harry making sure he didn't heard what did mom said.
'No, we are not dating mom, if we I would told you' I said when she said:' does he knows?'
'About?' I asked when she walked toward me and said:' about you' I said:' no, he doesn't' she said:' why you didn't tell him?' I said:' why I have to?' she replied:' he look cute, Louis and look as good person who would take you as you are' said:' well, this is can't be happening any way' she said:' why is he gay?' I said:' I don't talk in such things with everybody mom!' she said:' But you like him' I said:' did I say that?' she said:' you don't have to, Baby I can see it in the way you look at him'
No, this is can't be true…is it that bad? Or that be cause she's my mum she can read me as an open book, Whatever that was this is can't be true… he's my patient, 'he's my patient mom' I finally said the truth, I didn't know if I tried to avoided or forget all about it in purpose, mom said:' anyway, Louis I think you two look nice together… and trust me if you told him about you he would understand I'm sure Lou' I said:' sure'.
'Are you gonna tell him?' she asked when I said:' I'll do my best mum its okay'.
Harry was so happy to meet the girls, I felt as if he knew them forever and he was so cute that made them like him too.
We were heading the hospital again when Harry said as we passed by Danielle's bakeshop:' can we have cupcakes before we head back?' I nodded.
We came in when Harry said:' our table is empty for us' he smiled with grin; I didn't even know it was our table… Danielle showed up from kitchen she smiled to see us, she said:' hello, nice to see you two'
'nice to you too, Danielle' Harry said when I looked at her saying:' how are you?' she said:' I'm good, you guys been out?'
'Yea, we been in Doncaster' Harry said, when I notice Danielle surprise grow on her face then left by wide smile as she said:' really, you went to meet Louis's family?'
'Yea, they were so nice with me' he said, when I smiled as Danielle said:' really, I'm happy 'cause you had fun there, so what do you wanna have?' I looked at Harry saying:' you are free I'm taking what you choose'
'Chocolate and vanilla's cupcakes, and two cups of hot chocolate' Harry said as Danielle said:' sure' I said:' same here' she said:' you and I should talk about so many things, right?'
'If you said so Danni' I said with cheeky smile, she was bit anger and I didn't know exactly why? Maybe 'cause she felt she missed so many things since I took Harry to Doncaster, she was right I feel ever strange when I heard harry telling her about our short adventure.
It was awkward silence since I couldn't find anything to say, I mean I always have things to tell Harry, but I never was sure about if this is gonna be the right time to say it.
'They are thinking about starting Chemo again' he said softly.
'WHAT?' I was shocked; I mean… this is can't be good as it sound.
'They think it might be give me more time' Harry shrugged not looking to me, he didn't want that.
Extra chemo means more tired more pain, I mean when you are cancer patient and everything become worse, dying would be the best choice you can ever have, not wanting any more time that comes with pain.
His hand shacked nervously on the table I can see he didn't want more time I can feel him… I want time for him, I want every minute, every second, every thing I can got with him but I understand the feeling when you living into body who fighting you back.
'Have you told them you don't want to?' I asked softly.
'it's not my choice' he replied simply when I asked:' you are eighteen Harry how cans this not being your choice?'
'Mom wants this… I don't blame her' he replied nearly whispering'mom… I can't tell her… I don't want-” His words were breaking now, trailing off and starting up like he couldn't quite pull his emotions together long enough.
I didn't speak I just hold his hand softly into mine trying to make him, he doesn't have to be a long into this.
'She thinks she can keep buying me time, now got more Days. And here's one more month, two more months. More pills, that's two weeks, maybe three. A bit of experimental medication, that'll be a month. Saving your son from dying on his bedroom floor where he belongs not matter if he's suffering as long as if he's here, you get seven months. Congratulations Mrs. Cox, you must be so proud'
'Oh Harry' I said softly as I pulled him into hug, he didn't stop him self he just cried into my shoulder, I said:' she loves you that's why she's doing this' ' I know' he mumbled.
'I wish I can give you some of my health and some of my time, Harry' I said softly.
'Don't say that to me?' he said letting out a long gust of air.
'Why it's not?' I asked when he said:' 'cause you sound as if you could but you can't'.
I know I can't but if I had chance I swear I would give him all he needs to be happy… that all I want in life don't I? Yea that's all I want.
Thank all to love, I never wanted to admit but I think it's true I was felt as Hazel felt in TFiOS when she said she fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.
NOTE:
Hope you like that one sorry for not updating for long time, I was making stupid thing by writing two fanfiction in the same time which lead me to make copies… so I quit doing this I'm only writing one fanfiction which is this one, I have new ideas for new one but not before finishing this one.
I finished this at 4:41 AM I been working since 12:35 AM, I know it such stupid thing to do and I should go sleep but I have trouble sleeping night… so I love to spend it writing for you.
Hope you guys enjoying this one &hopefully you missed my updating-xxAB J

Notes

Hope you like that one sorry for not updating for long time, I was making stupid thing by writing two fanfiction in the same time which lead me to make copies… so I quit doing this I'm only writing one fanfiction which is this one, I have new ideas for new one but not before finishing this one.
I finished this at 4:41 AM I been working since 12:35 AM, I know it such stupid thing to do and I should go sleep but I have trouble sleeping night… so I love to spend it writing for you.
Hope you guys enjoying this one &hopefully you missed my updating-xxAB