18o Days Of Life & Death

January 14th – Day 29
I donnu how I end up to this but I just found myself there, I knew that Harry was dying and he's not going to make it for so long and its all about time before his body collapsed into endless stopped, thing I didn't want to think about it… I didn't want to stuck with the thoughts of everyday was passing was taking him away from me and someday I'll come and find it all over and it can be any day it can before the time the doctors expected or after that… but let's keep real I know Harry doesn't have enough reasons to survive his condition wasn't giving any hopeful signs so he had only months if his body didn't response to the chemo and the other medication.
I never tried to understand he's going to die before this evening.
I opened his hospital room, it was dark just the moon outside was the only thing that send some dim light to his room, the dim light that was hanging behind the half drawn curtains.
On that light I could see the lank frame of him that was draped in blue blanket as his eyes closed shut.
I was looking at him in kind of shock it was the first time I saw Harry like this, I never saw him so weak as today I was trying to understand what missed me, understanding his death… but I'm not sure I was got what I tried to get, a nurse moved towards me as she said whispering:' hello Mr. Tomlinson' she pointed at Harry as she said:' He had headache this morning it look as bad as you can see, so bad one I don't think he would want a company tonight'.
She walked toward Harry as she said softly:' Harry Mr. Tomlinson here do you want him to stay?' he waited for a long while before he said yes that was like breathing, she said whispering to me:' he's too sensitive to light and noise better dim lights and talk smoothly' I nodded when she said:' it was hard morning and he needs to rest, you know' I said:' I'll do my best' she smiled leaving me with him, I closed the door behind her as I walked to the curtains closeting them but the moonlight still getting through it.
I put my bag on the floor carefully not to make any voice, I sat on my usual arm chair didn't want to make any sound I finally have sit as my eyes looked at him, features covered in a shifting cocoon of shadows. In the half darkness he looked like some kind of angel, and I wondered fleetingly if maybe he was too lovely for this world… I donnu just something about him made me feel there unfair for him to be sick.
He opened his eyes looking at me half look as I felt heat crept into my face I gazed the floor I was embarrassed for some reason I can't pinpoint. I'd missed him the past week I mean he turned to have so big part of my life, I was thinking about him more than I should, I even missed him in my another appointments, I missed him during dinners with Liam, I missed him weekend evening, he'd somehow crept to my bones.
I ended up sitting on the floor to be as close to him as I can, I hugged my jacket didn't let him go outta of my sight… his hand slid outta of the bed curling and uncurling up so slowly as if he searched for something to hold on to, I didn't think I hold his cool hand let him long fingers met mine I reached for his hand holding carefully into mine, he tensed up a bit for our little contact, I still have this feeling of he's so cute to be in this world, I intertwining our hands again each other, his grip strong and desperate.
'Lou' he breathed my name as if the word 'cause him physical pain which made heart clench a bit painfully.
'Harry you don't have to talk, we can just stat quite today' I said smoothly trying to sound soft as I can not to annoy him.
He didn't say any word for a long moment before he said two words I couldn't realize them for the first time 'come up'.
After a short a while of nothing I stood slowly I let his hand slip from mine carefully putting then beside him, I knew he had no strong to put them back under blankets, I walked around the bed, he made a space for me as I sit slowly taking my shoes off when his hand searched for mine I gave him them, He opened his eyes, blinking a few time before they found mine, wide and glassy and full of pain. I wondered if it was from the headache or something else entirely. I reached out almost involuntarily, my hand finding his cheek, stroking his pale skin. 'You gonna be fine, I promise'.
He hummed softly in response taking my other wrist to lead me into a horizontal position. I lay on my side his pale skin blurring on the moonlight.
I know I shouldn't be doing this, I know I was breaking the rule that shouldn't be break but everything about him break all the rules I ever knew, somehow since 17th December my life all changed upside down… something about him made my entirely meaningful some feels he'd gave me was so beautiful it makes me happy… I was one of those people who dreamed about thinking about somebody and found myselfsmiling just to remember his smile, one that caught my heart to his one endlessly and unlimitedly with out no conditions, I was dreaming with pure love the one I kept read about it in romantic novel books, the one I watched in romantic movies and the one I heard in those tragedy romantic songs that rhymed love into lyrics… but I never dreamed about him being Harry Styles he's the one who gave me all what I ever dreamed about… I didn't regret that.
I lay a hand over his hair, letting my fingers brushing his wavy hair, he smiled softly as I tried to take his pain away by making distraction of my fingertips touch on his head, he curled up a bit my fingers brushed his ones his touch over my hand were so tender that made my eyes go heavier as I let my self sink into the moment, I felt his leg touching main there were cold I let my warmth get into him as I let my eyes close.
I wished if I just close them falling sleep forever and never wake up, I just wanted to be here next to him… he was the one who made my life different, without him knew that he gave me all I need without him even realizing that.
Being with him is likereading a book that someone’s already spoiled for you. I knew how this would turn out, with the life draining from his body as the tumor consumed him, but I flipped the pages anyway in the vain hope that maybe it would end differently.
So I lay with him and savored the life inside the numbered pages. I closed my eyes, letting our fingers slot together. Together, we held on through the dark.
I wasn’t really conscious, more vaguely aware of pale blue light and velvety blankets and a strong aura of contentment. There were no thoughts, just calm and the soft rustling of unimportant things.
I was in a bed. It wasn’t my bed, but somehow that was alright. There was a hand in mine, a warm lovely hand that it was very important I hold on to. My skin was just a bit damp, the room just the smallest bit too warm. The waistband of my jeans was pressed into the skin of my hipbone, the cuffs of my shirt crawling up my biceps. Last night’s clothes…
I stirred a quiet, even snoring pulling me just a little farther from sleep. I could smell the faint antiseptic smell of the hospital mingling with something comforting. Harry. My eyes flew open, wondering when it had become morning. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep here, only lay with him for the hour, but as I gazed at his sleeping form I couldn’t really bring myself to regret it.
Sunlight fell through the gap between the curtain and the ceiling, washing him in pale golden hues. We were nearly nose to nose, on our sides so our bodies faced each other. He looked so fragile, like the smallest contact would break him he always looked like that even thought of he seemed hard to crack in the beginning. I drew our hands apart with utmost care, hover my fingers over his cheek, wanting to touch him, but filled with some irrational fear that maybe he’d crumble under my fingertips.
I thought about the look in his eyes when he first saw me. I remembered thinking he looked defeated, like he was empty inside. Now, watching him sleep beside me I wondered if maybe worn out was a more apt description. For all his talk of dying and giving up he’d soldiered on this far, and in the foggy illogic of morning I wondered if somehow he’d just been waiting for me find him, to pick up his broken pieces and fix him in the only way I knew how and I was no way not to do it not just 'cause that I was doing with my life… it's something I wanted to do desperately as if this was the last thing before my last day I'll do it.
I smiled as I looked at his chest rose and fell as he breathed, I can do this forever though, I heardsmall noise it was my phone buzzed for the new message…
9:32 Liam
Where are you?
9:39 Liam
You didn't even come home last night!! Are you serious?
10:01 Liam
Call me, right now Louis , I'm assuming you dead … Louis I'm Worry for The God's sake where are you?.
I couldn't resist a smile that forced on my lips 'cause of his texts… quickly firing: 'I'm not dead, don't worry babe ;)' the cheeky thing was to assure him I was in the land of the living human yet.
I put my bag over my neck I put my jacket before that as I took one last look at Harry, I should left earlier, for many reason I didn't want to stay 1-I was his doctor for the god's sake, even when I broke that usually with him but I try not to break the fragile rule.
2- I had appointment few minutes and I had to shower and change the last night clothes.
3- I tried to avoid talking about this, 'cause I don't have explaining things to say if he wants to talk about it and I don't want to think even about this awkward conversation.
But my legs can't find the way out of his room, I kneeled next to him as I brushed his hair away of his forehead as I said:' goodbye, Harry have better morning'.
I leaned down slowly, not entirely sure what I was doing until my lips found his temple and I was pressing a soft kiss to the skin there. He barely stirred at the pressure, and I straightened, feeling a little bit light headed.
It wasn’t until I was on the train home, a ridiculous smile permanently fixed onto my face that a thought occurred to me.
Maybe I wasn’t just fixing Harry, maybe he was saving me… finding another part of me I never known its exiting.
NOTE:
Talk about this chapter is my favorite 'till now, it's full of undesirable feelings –my favorite type of feeling- just I have something to admit to you, well I'm not a Larry Shipper 'cause I think what between Harry and Louie more than gay things… and try to accept the fact that I don't even think Gay feeling is real for I don't ask you to think like me but accept what I'm, and about the story I said what between Harry & Louie for me more than gay feeling… Gay feeling is miss understood feeling for me.

Notes

Talk about this chapter is my favorite 'till now, it's full of undesirable feelings –my favorite type of feeling- just I have something to admit to you, well I'm not a Larry Shipper 'cause I think what between Harry and Louie more than gay things… and try to accept the fact that I don't even think Gay feeling is real for I don't ask you to think like me but accept what I'm, and about the story I said what between Harry & Louie for me more than gay feeling… Gay feeling is miss understood feeling for me.