Love Don't Die

I left his garage door wide open, because I couldn’t think of a way to close it without having to go back inside. I probably could have stolen his car. The keys were right there on the counter as I left. But then I’d have an excuse to see him. And I didn’t want that.

The walk to the main street wasn’t too far. Funny, if I was famous I would want to live as far away from civilization as possible.

As I rounded the second block I began to see store fronts. Tons of cute couples were holding hands and laughing and I wanted to jump in the middle of traffic. I held my head high, not wanting anyone around me to know that I was ready to burst into tears as soon as I saw my best mate. I needed girl time. And a hell of a lot of it. I looked through the store windows as I passed by them, and soon reached the end of one of the blocks. I waited for the crosswalk sign to turn and looked ahead of me. I saw the faint outline of Victoria’s Secret towards the end of the busy street, and figured that’s where Rusty ran off to. She was probably buying fancy lingerie for Derek. I smiled to myself as I crossed the street and headed for my friend.

It was farther than I expected, and I thanked myself for wearing trainers today of all days. As I made my way towards the store, I noticed it wasn’t as crowded. Thank God. I didn’t need any more happy people ruining my day. Just as I was reaching the end of the last block I saw Rusty leaving the shop with a bag in her hands. She looked so cute with her top-bun and daisy crop-top. I needed a hug from her.

I kept walking towards her until I suddenly saw a bunch of white in my peripheral vision. The more steps I took the more white I saw.

My heart dropped into my stomach as I began to realize what was happening. How did they find me? I hadn’t seen them in weeks. Did they have tabs on me? Have they been following me everywhere I go?

There was nothing I wanted more to than run, but I knew that would get me nowhere. Instead, I kept my eyes on Rusty and figured I’d drag her back into the store and hide it out. Maybe escape through a back-exit or something. This whole time Rusty was on her phone, but as soon as she looked up from it she saw me.

I wanted her to just wait for me. I wanted her to go back to looking at her phone. But she didn’t do either of those things.

As soon as her eyes hit mine she threw her hand in the air and started waving toward me. She jumped up and down and shouted my name just like she always did whenever we were reunited. I tried to motion for her to go back inside, but she wasn’t paying attention.

There was no way I could stop now, so I kept moving towards her. I could feel the white closing in on me, but for some reason the motion around me ceased. I was about to cross the street and grab my mate when I heard the bang.

It was loud and fast. Almost as if a jet had flown right by me. I could tell it came from behind me, because I was suddenly deaf in my left ear. I stopped dead in my tracks.

I watched helplessly as the bullet went through Rusty’s forehead and her body fell backwards. There was a last look of horror in her eyes as her body landed with a thud on the pavement. The remnants of her shopping bag surrounded her chest as the pool of blood began to form, soaking into the delicate fabrics. I desperately screamed out her name, but received only silence in response. My body felt numb.

Before I could react, I heard a car zoom up beside me. Turning my head, I saw Harry in his Range Rover, his newly black-eye covered by a pair of Ray-Bans, shouting at me.

“Toni! Get in the fucking car! Now!” I didn’t miss a beat as I ran to his car and jumped in the back seat. Little pings of bullets hitting metal echoed around us as he sped away, foot never leaving the gas pedal. I brought my knees to my chest as I covered my ears with my hands.

This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. Rusty can’t be dead. She’s my best friend. She’s my sister.

Matt was right. The Bones didn’t just want me dead – they wanted me to suffer. They wanted to make sure I had nothing; they wanted to kill not only me, but my will to keep going. This was all my fault. Rusty didn’t deserve this. She was so happy now…and I ruined it. I killed her.

If I wasn’t such a frigid bitch, none of this would be happening. I slept with guys I didn’t really want to all the time, but this time I had to turn one down. This time I had to punch him in the nose. This time it had to be a member of a gang.

I clenched my nails into my ears as I tried to chase away the bad thoughts. I just saw Rusty falling over and over again. The blood was so fresh…I could still smell the gun powder and iron. I needed to get it out of my head.

As I pressed my knees closer to my body I tried to remember the happier times. My mind went from getting drunk by the pier to running from the cops with drugs in our hands; but the memory that stuck out the most was our time spent at home. I started to relive memories of Rusty and me hanging out at our houses before we left to live in London.

She hadn’t done it in years, but Rusty loved to cook. Her favorite was scones. She used to throw whatever ingredients she could find together and make them. Every day after school she’d make us scones as I’d lay on the couch and drink wine. “You know you’re supposed to be drinking tea not wine,” she’d say to me as she’d plop the spoonfuls of dough on a baking sheet. I used to tell her that tea was for children and we were ladies, and ladies drank wine. She’d laugh her perfect giggle as we’d wait for the scones to be done.

And she’d sing. Oh God, I hadn’t heard Rusty sing in forever. She loved to, especially while she cooked. What was the song…”Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” It was her favorite. I think it reminded her of her grandmother. Rusty adored the woman, and I remember how she cried and cried when she died of cancer when we were thirteen. It made her happy, and I’m pretty sure her grandmother taught her to bake. When she sang I knew she was okay.

It annoyed me at first. I hated when she’d sing off-key and ruin my wine buzz. But everyday she’d beg and beg me to join her because “it’s a duet Toni! I can’t sing two different parts by myself.” I reluctantly gave in after a few weeks, but only if I could be the girl. Being the best mate she was, Rusty agreed.

“Now remember, Toni,” she’d tell me, “we only sing the Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell version because that’s the best one. All the other versions are a crock of shit.” I’d laugh and she’d play the song on her old CD player.

“Listen baby, ain’t no mountain high, ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wiiiiiiiide enough baby!” she’d sing into her spatula microphone. “If you need me call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far,” I’d sing back into my spoon one. We would dance around the room and sing, me usually jumping on the counter and dancing. “Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough! Ain’t no valley low enough! Ain’t no river wide enough! To keep me from getting to you, babe!” we’d sing in harmony, reaching out our hands to each other. But as I saw myself reaching out my hand like I did countless times before, this time I saw the bullet in her forehead. I saw as the hole got bigger and the color in her face was draining.

No. No! I tried to continue singing in my head but I kept seeing her die. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to keep singing, I needed to see Rusty alive.

“No wind! No rain! Or winter’s cold! Can stop me, baby! Cause you are my gold!” I screamed out loud as I tried to shake the bad thoughts away. I rocked back and forth in the backseat as I heard Rusty sing. “If you’re ever in trouble, I’ll be there on the double just send for me, aw baby!”

“My love is alive, way down in my heart! Although we are miles apart!” I continued to scream as loud as I could so I couldn’t hear my own thoughts. Harry was trying to talk to me but I wouldn’t listen. I needed to be happy. And more importantly I needed to see my best friend happy.

“Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough! Ain’t no valley low enough! Ain’t no river wide enough! To keep me from getting to you, babe!” My voice was cracking as I screeched out the chorus, and my head was dizzy. I felt the car stop through my closed eyes and ears, and immediately jumped out of the vehicle and started running.

I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I needed to get away. I saw a bridge in the near distance, and decided to run towards that. We had to have been a good distance away from town, because the city noise was long gone. I continued to sprint until my toes hit water. I stared down into it, my reflection staring back at me. My mascara was all down my cheeks, and my pink lipstick was smeared to almost nothing. I looked at how pathetic I was, until I saw another face in the water.

It was Rusty, happy and smiling, wearing her favorite white lace dress. We had found it at a thrift store a couple years back, and she swore it once belonged to someone very important. “I can just feel it, Tone,” she told me, “it’s special. Just like you and me.” I stared at her image until it started to grow black. I squinted at it and saw that it was blood coming out of her skull, tainting her image. I grew angry and kicked dirt into it, the image completely disappearing. Then I started kicking more dirt, and more, until my trainers were covered in mud.

“It’s not fair!” I screamed as I heard Harry running towards me from the car. “It’s not fucking fair!” I kicked and flailed my limbs around, wanting to shake off this feeling. The pain…it was unbearable. My heart felt as though it was shattered in pieces. Rusty didn’t deserve to die. She had so much going for her. And now she had nothing. I had nothing.

“Toni!” Harry had caught up to me now.

“We need to go back!” I screamed as I ran my hands through my hair. “I didn’t get to say goodbye, Harry! We need to go back!” I began running towards the car but he caught me in his arms.

“Sh, Toni, calm down. We can’t go back.” He tried to calm me down but I couldn’t stop.

“No, I need to see her, Harry! I need to!” I shrieked, trying to fight off his grip. But he was too strong. I kept trying to break free as he pulled me towards the ground, our bodies landing in the mud. I fought him off until my body felt weak, and then just collapsed in his hold. We sat there while I sobbed softly in his arms.

“I won’t let them hurt you, baby. I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He kissed my forehead and I passed out from exhaustion.

Notes