Visiting Hours
Day 10, Hour 46
**READ NOTES AT THE END THEY ARE VERY VERY IMPORTANT**
I can’t breathe. I mean I can physically breathe but it feels like the air is crushing me with its all mighty fist. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can only see darkness. No dreams or memories flooding through my head; just emptiness. It’s terrifying to say the least. It brings me to tears knowing that my own body won’t let me see the shit that is happening around me. I can’t come to terms, no matter how hard I try, with the fact that my life is an utter piece of shit. I lost everything and just when I think I can start over; my dreams are slowly being pulled away from me yet again. Life is hard, truth is hard, reality is hard too but it doesn’t click with me. I never thought it would bethishard, or this unfair. I knew I’d have bumps in the road but this is all too much for anyone to handle.
I haven’t been able to see Zayn for a few days because he’s doing really badly and since I’m not his father or his legal guardian, I’m not allowed to see him in this state. I feel bad, and guilty, and scared about leaving him alone. I know it’s out of my control but I just wish there was something I could do to help him more than I have been.
Harry sat in the nurses’ locker room after a shower thinking about what he was doing wrong for everything to be like this. He sat naked on a bench. At this moment he didn’t really care if anyone walked in, he was just too empty to give a shit. His mind wandered to terrible places, places where he was the sick one or one where he was the only human left alive. He just couldn’t stop thinking about his life… about everything. He slowly pulled his underwear up his legs. They slid over his hairy shins and up his thighs as he pulled them up over his penis. He adjusted himself absent mindedly while watching his body move in the mirror. He was disgusted by his reflection. He watched his ribs poke through his skin and looked at the area upon his torso that used to be covered in perfect abs which was not flat and sunken in. His eyes tear up at the sight of all the small red lines littering his pale body; memories of his darkest times. He pulled his pants up over his skinny legs and pulled his shirt over his shoulders. He was in the same building as Zayn yet he felt so far away, so alone. Harry still had to do his community service hours whether he was with Zayn or not. He clipped on his temporary name badge and looked back at the mirror.
“What have I become,” he thought to himself. With a sullen sigh, he walked out of the locker room and into the children’s ward. Harry hated being in the children’s ward when Zayn was sitting in a room meant for children close to death. He absent mindedly folded some blankets and placed random toys back into their respective cubbies and bins.
He started humming quietly to himself as he washed some dirty sheets.
When I’m feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I’ll always be blessed with love
Angels by Robbie Williams. He sang it whenever he was scared. His mother used to sing it to him, even up to the time of her death. She was Harry’s strength; she was Harry’s hero and savior.
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
Harry let tears fall down his face as he stacked pillows on a shelf. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Should he keep crying, should he give up, should he…kill himself? The thought of it crossed his mind every second of every day. He imagined how he would do it and where; what his goodbye letter would say, but every time he was able to get the courage to go through with it, Zayn’s little face would pop into his head and stop him from doing anything too stupid. At those times he would just settle for cutting because it reflected the pain he was feeling but wouldn’t take him away from his Zayn. He would watch the blood trickle down his wrists and stain his bracelets. The thick liquid would get stuck in the leather bands wrapped around his arms and he would just watch it pool.
“How did I get like this?” he would ask himself when he slid the cool metal along his flesh.
And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead
Harry looked out into the busy children’s ward and watched children giggle and play with their toys. He wiped the tears from his eyes as a sad smile grew on his face. He looked up as if someone was talking to him through the ceiling.
“Yes, I know… yes but…I don’t… but…I know, and I sorry.”
This has been happening more and more often; him talking himself, or his mother rather. He would sit alone and just talk to her, tell her about his problems and how much he missed her; it was sweet, and sad, and some may call him crazy, but isn’t everyone a little bit crazy.
It was the end of the day. Harry walked back into the nurse’s lounge and stripped once again. He didn’t want to look at himself this time; he just went directly for the shower. He stood under the hot water with his long arms by his sides. He let the scolding water burn his skin until it was bright red. He scrubbed his skin and massaged his scalp as if he had been dirty, but he’s been clean since his shower only 5 hours ago. He didn’t think he needed to be clean; he just used the burning heat to make himself feel something, feel anything.
He stepped out of the shower and padded his body dry. He put fresh clothes on, grabbed his bag and headed outside to meet Tom at the hospital entrance.
“Hey H dawg!” Tom yelled at Harry.
“Tom,” he giggled, something he always did around Tom, “do not call me that, it makes me sound like a cheap baseball player,” he said with a smile.
“Haha ok, H dizzle,” harry shot him a look.
“Ok, ok, I’m done, Harry,” Tom said.
“Thank y-“
“Bo barry” Tom smirked trying to hold in his laughter as Harry just shoved him. Tom wrapped his arm back around Harry’s shoulder as they walked to his car to go home.
“So, how was your day?” Tom asked while driving down an empty road.
“It was hard like every other day but I did all of my work and tried not to think about Z-Z… him too much.” Tom stopped the car because no one was behind them on the road and placed a hand on Harry’s knee.
“Harry, things will get better in time don’t worry.” Tom said looking straight into Harry’s eyes. No tears came out, but Harry sniffled as he nodded his head.
Tom restarted the car and continued home; Harry stared at the side of Tom’s head the entire drive home just thinking. He didn’t think Tom noticed, but he did and it just made him smile.
“Come on loser,” Tom said getting out of the car. Harry got out of the car and jumped on Tom’s back with a thud. They just laughed as Tom carried Harry inside. Tom sat him down to get his keys out of his back pocket.
Harry plopped down on the couch with a huff.
“I am drained.” Harry said out loud, not necessarily to Tom just into the air. Tom ran over and jumped on top of Harry.
“Get off of me you fat piece of lard, I can’t breathe!” He yelled into the fabric on Tom’s shirt. Tom got up and settled on sitting next to the curly headed boy.
“So what do you say? Does it feel like a Netflix kind of night?”
“I think it does,” Harry said smiling. Tom smiled back and popped up off the couch and started running to the kitchen.
“I’m gonna start the popcorn, pick us out something good to watch.” Harry nodded and started looking through all of the choices Netflix has to offer.
They watched The Avengers; well half watched it and half threw popcorn at each other. Harry had fallen asleep and Tom carried him to his room. He took off Harry’s shoes and pants and put him under the blankets and closed the door behind him as he went to his own room.
He brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He sat up in bed thinking about the day and getting confused with his thoughts and the way he acted today.
“What is going on with me?” he said to himself as a flicked of the lights and pulled the covers over his shoulders.
I can’t breathe. I mean I can physically breathe but it feels like the air is crushing me with its all mighty fist. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can only see darkness. No dreams or memories flooding through my head; just emptiness. It’s terrifying to say the least. It brings me to tears knowing that my own body won’t let me see the shit that is happening around me. I can’t come to terms, no matter how hard I try, with the fact that my life is an utter piece of shit. I lost everything and just when I think I can start over; my dreams are slowly being pulled away from me yet again. Life is hard, truth is hard, reality is hard too but it doesn’t click with me. I never thought it would bethishard, or this unfair. I knew I’d have bumps in the road but this is all too much for anyone to handle.
I haven’t been able to see Zayn for a few days because he’s doing really badly and since I’m not his father or his legal guardian, I’m not allowed to see him in this state. I feel bad, and guilty, and scared about leaving him alone. I know it’s out of my control but I just wish there was something I could do to help him more than I have been.
Harry sat in the nurses’ locker room after a shower thinking about what he was doing wrong for everything to be like this. He sat naked on a bench. At this moment he didn’t really care if anyone walked in, he was just too empty to give a shit. His mind wandered to terrible places, places where he was the sick one or one where he was the only human left alive. He just couldn’t stop thinking about his life… about everything. He slowly pulled his underwear up his legs. They slid over his hairy shins and up his thighs as he pulled them up over his penis. He adjusted himself absent mindedly while watching his body move in the mirror. He was disgusted by his reflection. He watched his ribs poke through his skin and looked at the area upon his torso that used to be covered in perfect abs which was not flat and sunken in. His eyes tear up at the sight of all the small red lines littering his pale body; memories of his darkest times. He pulled his pants up over his skinny legs and pulled his shirt over his shoulders. He was in the same building as Zayn yet he felt so far away, so alone. Harry still had to do his community service hours whether he was with Zayn or not. He clipped on his temporary name badge and looked back at the mirror.
“What have I become,” he thought to himself. With a sullen sigh, he walked out of the locker room and into the children’s ward. Harry hated being in the children’s ward when Zayn was sitting in a room meant for children close to death. He absent mindedly folded some blankets and placed random toys back into their respective cubbies and bins.
He started humming quietly to himself as he washed some dirty sheets.
When I’m feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I’ll always be blessed with love
Angels by Robbie Williams. He sang it whenever he was scared. His mother used to sing it to him, even up to the time of her death. She was Harry’s strength; she was Harry’s hero and savior.
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
Harry let tears fall down his face as he stacked pillows on a shelf. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Should he keep crying, should he give up, should he…kill himself? The thought of it crossed his mind every second of every day. He imagined how he would do it and where; what his goodbye letter would say, but every time he was able to get the courage to go through with it, Zayn’s little face would pop into his head and stop him from doing anything too stupid. At those times he would just settle for cutting because it reflected the pain he was feeling but wouldn’t take him away from his Zayn. He would watch the blood trickle down his wrists and stain his bracelets. The thick liquid would get stuck in the leather bands wrapped around his arms and he would just watch it pool.
“How did I get like this?” he would ask himself when he slid the cool metal along his flesh.
And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead
Harry looked out into the busy children’s ward and watched children giggle and play with their toys. He wiped the tears from his eyes as a sad smile grew on his face. He looked up as if someone was talking to him through the ceiling.
“Yes, I know… yes but…I don’t… but…I know, and I sorry.”
This has been happening more and more often; him talking himself, or his mother rather. He would sit alone and just talk to her, tell her about his problems and how much he missed her; it was sweet, and sad, and some may call him crazy, but isn’t everyone a little bit crazy.
It was the end of the day. Harry walked back into the nurse’s lounge and stripped once again. He didn’t want to look at himself this time; he just went directly for the shower. He stood under the hot water with his long arms by his sides. He let the scolding water burn his skin until it was bright red. He scrubbed his skin and massaged his scalp as if he had been dirty, but he’s been clean since his shower only 5 hours ago. He didn’t think he needed to be clean; he just used the burning heat to make himself feel something, feel anything.
He stepped out of the shower and padded his body dry. He put fresh clothes on, grabbed his bag and headed outside to meet Tom at the hospital entrance.
“Hey H dawg!” Tom yelled at Harry.
“Tom,” he giggled, something he always did around Tom, “do not call me that, it makes me sound like a cheap baseball player,” he said with a smile.
“Haha ok, H dizzle,” harry shot him a look.
“Ok, ok, I’m done, Harry,” Tom said.
“Thank y-“
“Bo barry” Tom smirked trying to hold in his laughter as Harry just shoved him. Tom wrapped his arm back around Harry’s shoulder as they walked to his car to go home.
“So, how was your day?” Tom asked while driving down an empty road.
“It was hard like every other day but I did all of my work and tried not to think about Z-Z… him too much.” Tom stopped the car because no one was behind them on the road and placed a hand on Harry’s knee.
“Harry, things will get better in time don’t worry.” Tom said looking straight into Harry’s eyes. No tears came out, but Harry sniffled as he nodded his head.
Tom restarted the car and continued home; Harry stared at the side of Tom’s head the entire drive home just thinking. He didn’t think Tom noticed, but he did and it just made him smile.
“Come on loser,” Tom said getting out of the car. Harry got out of the car and jumped on Tom’s back with a thud. They just laughed as Tom carried Harry inside. Tom sat him down to get his keys out of his back pocket.
Harry plopped down on the couch with a huff.
“I am drained.” Harry said out loud, not necessarily to Tom just into the air. Tom ran over and jumped on top of Harry.
“Get off of me you fat piece of lard, I can’t breathe!” He yelled into the fabric on Tom’s shirt. Tom got up and settled on sitting next to the curly headed boy.
“So what do you say? Does it feel like a Netflix kind of night?”
“I think it does,” Harry said smiling. Tom smiled back and popped up off the couch and started running to the kitchen.
“I’m gonna start the popcorn, pick us out something good to watch.” Harry nodded and started looking through all of the choices Netflix has to offer.
They watched The Avengers; well half watched it and half threw popcorn at each other. Harry had fallen asleep and Tom carried him to his room. He took off Harry’s shoes and pants and put him under the blankets and closed the door behind him as he went to his own room.
He brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He sat up in bed thinking about the day and getting confused with his thoughts and the way he acted today.
“What is going on with me?” he said to himself as a flicked of the lights and pulled the covers over his shoulders.
Notes
Hi everyone. I know it has literally been forever since I have updated and I'm sorry, but a lot of awful shit has been happening in my life. I did't have the strength to do anything really. But one day I realized there are only two things in life that really make me happy and those are music and writing.I started composing music again like they way I used to before I became sad, and I realized that writing is the only thing I have the allows me to be completely myself and not worry about the world around me. I'm sorry for the long wait but I know that i need my stories to help me get through this time. So please all ask from all of you guys is to just stick with me because i'm sticking with you!But anyway back to the writing. I really hope you liked it. I don't know if you noticed but I kind of made Harry and Tom flirt with each other. Please don't hate me but I think I want to make them love interests so Zayn isn't the only plot lot. You can't have a good story with only one plot point. And wouldn't they be totally CUTE!! I am really like idea of having them get together at some point in time. They won't be a huge pert of the story, just a little side piece so it isn't always about Zayn. I will tell you now that I will never write smut of the two of them, I just want to write a cute bubbly relationship to make the story a little lighter. I really want to go with idea and roll with it but I would really like your input, what do you all think? Please leave comments below.
Bye for now Lovelies,
Lauryn :)
4/23/15