The only people here are Anne, Gemma, and the gang. Not many people cared for Harry, which doesn’t surprise me because he was a total douche bag at times. He was a pain in the ass but he was my pain in the ass. I loved him, and I will never stop loving him.

After Louis gave a speech it was my turn to read off my letter. I always have a struggle talking in front of a crowd. Even if I’ve known the people for the longest of time. Here goes nothing.

"You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly. That still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with a limp.

To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. This hole in your heart is the shape of the one you lost. No one else can fit it. I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside you heart when they go on.

When I can’t sleep at night I stare at the empty side of my bed, and wonder about the things I would tell him, if he were lying next to me. I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone this much until I rolled over in the middle of the night and tried to wrap myself around Harry but found nothing but cold sheets and an empty bed. I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I’ll dream of you. Because it’s about you, it’s always about you.

Harry, I carry your heart with me. I am never without it; anywhere I go you go my love. And whatever is done by only me is your doing, Harry. I fear no fate, for you are my fate. I want no world, for you are my world. And it’s a beautiful world. Whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is sung for you. Here is the deepest secret nobody knows, here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. This is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart. Always and forever.”

Then they lowered Harry into the ground.

---

It’s 11:00 at night and I snuck away from the girls. I told them I was going to bed, which was a lie. I went to the one place I wanted to be. The cemetery. I walked straight to Harry’s grave, the one I was at just at few days ago. I plopped down right in front of his tombstone.

The inscription reads, “Loving Son And Friend.”

And then Louis of course, being Louis, snuck behind everyone’s backs and added, “Resting Till The Resurrection.” If only Harry was Jesus.

“Hi my Love,” I started crying. Not the crying where tears are coming down your face like floodgates but it was a soft cry where my eyes didn’t burn but my insides did. Hurt just the same.

“Where are you Harry? I’m sitting here alone in this musty all graveyard, yuck. I’ve been here too many times. I don’t want to be forced apart.

I don’t know the answers to all of my question for you, for God. No matter how hard I try to understand, the reason is plain, my mind forces me to dismiss it and I am torn by anxiety in all my walking hours. I am lost without you. I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere, I am these things, and I’m nothing at all. This, Harry, is my life without you. I long for you to show me to live again.

I use to watch you in awe and know in my heart that we’d be together forever. Is it always that way I wonder, when two people are in love? I don’t know, but if my life since you were taken from me is an indication, then I think I know the answers. From now on, I will be alone.

I think of you, I dream of you, I conjure you up when I need you most. This is all I can do, but to me it isn’t enough. It will never be enough. This I know, yet what else is there for me to do? If you were here, you would tell me, but I have been robbed of even that. You always knew the proper words to ease the pain I felt. You always knew how to make me feel whole again.

Is it possible that you know how I feel without you? When I dream, I like to think you do. Before we came together, I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless him, and I find myself wondering why-out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved-I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.”

I feel like I’m about to vomit. I feel like I’m about to explode. I feel like I’m about to die. Maybe I should die.

I stand to my feet and before I leave I plant a kiss on Harry’s tombstone. I will never forget him. How could I forget my first love, my only love?

I walk the opposite direction than my house. I’m heading towards town to Jim’s shop. He’s a friend of the Ribbon’s, so I’m pretty familiar with him. I know it’s eleven o’clock and that stores are closed but Jim always stays late with his son counting money and cleaning everything up. I’m sure they’ll let me in.

Once I got to the store I try the door. Fortunately for me it’s open.

“I’m sorry we’re closed try tomorrow at nine.”

“Jim it’s me Riley Shawn.”

“Why Riley girl it’s nice to see you!” He hugs me, “And I’m so sorry to hear about your boy Harry.”

“Thank you. I know you are closed but I would love to buy something from you.”

“Really? You want to buy something from my shop? No girl ever comes in here. Why do you need a gun anyways? Please don’t tell me you’re going to do anything stupid.”

“I’m not stupid Jim!”

“Riley it’s an upsetting time for you and you’re vulnerable.”

“Jim this past year has been crazy, you’ve heard. I just want a small gun to keep me safe and comfortable. I’ve been kidnapped way too many times. I would like to purchase a pistol please.”

He gave me a questioning look but gave in. He went to the back and brought out his best pistol, no charge due to me being a friend. I waved him goodbye and walked back to Harry’s grave.

I am once again sitting in front of his headstone starring blankly at it, only thinking of Harry. How he’s dead. How I’m alive. It isn’t fair. I can’t believe I was going to do this to Harry, make him feel the pain I’m feeling now.

The grass is damp, water seeping into my clothing causing me to move around uncomfortably. The moon is bright enough for me to see the pistol and bullets without any flashlight. I remain outdoors in the darkness; it’s consuming me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

With all the emotional strength I had left I put the bullets in the pistol. I held up the pistol after inserting the bullets into the cold gun in my shaky hands. Nothing matters to me anymore. Everyone who I’ve ever loved is dead, except my friends back at the house but it’s not the unconditional love, not the love where I can’t live without you. Everything I get close to is destroyed. No one should deserve that fate, the only way to save the rest was to destroy myself before I can destroy anyone or anything left.

My mind is going blank as I raised the gun to my temple. I rapped my finger around the trigger; shaky breaths are escaping my trembling mouth. I’m numb, I’m broken, there’s nothing else here for me to do but die.

Until.

“Don’t do it.”

I opened my eyes instantly. I searched all around me, everywhere but nothing. Everything was still the same, damp grass, soft breezes; it was just I in the cemetery. The voice was close to me, almost a whisper.

“Harry?” I whimpered out but got no response. What was I thinking he’s dead. The dead can’t talk.

I started breathing harder, my heart pounding at a rapid speed, and began to focus back on the gun.

“Stop.”

My eyes shot open again and I dropped the pistol, which was now warm from my hard grip. I went through the same motion, looking all around my surroundings. There was a lump in my throat; I didn’t want to repeat my sobbing streak. I was fighting back the tears. I was shaking my head vigorously; running my hands through my hair, telling myself it was only I going crazy. I’m just desperate to hear his voice again. It’s all in your head Riley, relax. Gosh this is absolute torture. Pick up the gun Riley! I have to get out now and quick, for Harry’s voice will keep haunting me until I was no longer alive.

I reached for the pistol.

“Put it down, baby.”

A sob escaped my lips as I fired a shot at his stone, thinking that will make the voice shut up. Hearing him is only making this harder for me to take my life. I held the gun in place while Harry’s voice echoed in my head; the sky began to spin.

“Stay angel, I love you.”

My grip on the gun loosened as I was losing control. I threw the gun far away from me, my hands then yanked at my locks of hair, I screamed and sobbed. Someone was by my side in an instant.

“I can hear him.” I sobbed into the person’s chest not caring who it was. I clutched them like a lifeline. “He won’t let me leave. He won’t let me be with him!”

They held onto me tighter, stroked my hair, and whispered, “You’ll be with him soon, Riley. I promise.”

Notes

This is one of my favorite chapters even though it is unfortunately a really sad one

I hope you liked it just as much as me even though your favorite character got killed off the story!

The last bit was inspiration from the fan fiction Love Save The Empty... beautiful fan fiction one of my favorites :)))