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My Heart Skips A Beat

Chapter 48


There are two things I immediately think about when Maria kisses me;

1. I always feel the most calm in the mornings. I can get up, make a cup of tea, relax, enjoy the quiet. Quiet; it was a rarity in my life now. So I know I need to appreciate it when I have the chance, like right now. But this morning is idfferent form other mornings.
She slept over last night.
It was the first time where we’ve just slept through the night together. It was the first time with ANYONE that I have felt this completely comfortable and at ease. And now I know that the moment I get up and out of bed and decide to start my day, it’s all going to be over. And I don’t think i’m quite ready for that. So i’m just laying here with Anna next to me, fast asleep. She’s lying on her stomach, her head facing the other way, her hair covering her face. I can hear her calm, even breaths and I can hear the even beats of my heart and it was that moment that I realized that this is the most calm I have felt in a very, very long time.

2. His hands all over her body. That same body I have touched like that so many times before. His hands knotting in her hair, just like I did. Their lips pressed together, pulling away to catch their breath. He’s pawing at her, tugging at her clothes. But she’s going along with it, allowing him to do the thing to her that I thought I was only allowed to do. My stomach churns as I picture her perfect body, being revealed to someone else. Because she’s mine, and i’m her’s.

“-PLEASE JUST DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME ANNA, YOU WERE FLIRTING WITH HIM AND YOU KNOW IT!” I was seething, I was acting irrationally and I knew that. But I couldn’t help myself.
“I WAS NOT AT ALL. I WAS BEING NICE HARRY, IS THAT SUDDENLY A CRIME? HOW DID THIS EVEN BECOME ABOUT ME?! YOU’RE THE ONE I JUST FOUND KISSING SOME OTHER GIRL, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO LEFT ME ALONE LAST NIGHT AND WENT TO GET DRUNK, DOING GOD-KNOWS-WHAT WITH I-DON’T-EVEN-WANT-TO-KNOW-WHO!” We were both yelling at each other, going around in circles in an argument that was clearly not helping the situation at all. But I think it was what we needed, to yell and fight and get everything out in the open.
“YOU KNOW DAMN WELL NOTHING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!” I had no idea why I was saying such stupid things.
“UM, REALLY? DO I? HOW DO I KNOW THAT, HARRY? HUH?” I knew she was right. but there was no way in hell I was going to admit that. And why might you ask? Because i’m a massive asshole who likes to win arguments.
“YOU’RE BEING SO STUPID! DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF!? YOU’RE MAKING ZERO SENSE! DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY I WAS COMING TO FIND YOU, WHEN I SAW YOU AND HER TOGETHER?” I stopped, I had no idea what was coming next. She took a deep breath, taking my silence as a yes.
“I was coming to apologize.” She exclaimed, her voice settling down to it’s normal tone. “-Not that I can even remember why anymore.” She seemed deflated and I just wanted us to make up and for me to be able to kiss her hand make her happy again.
“What?” I was so lost.
“You might’ve been right about Conner, maybe he was flirting. But I just- I wasn’t seeing it. I thought he was just friendly, and I was too. But- maybe… I was wrong. But it doesn’t even matter anymore! Because of what just happened!” Her voice cracked and tears fell onto her cheeks. She sat down on the couch, folding her hands in her lap and staring down at them like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.
“Baby-” I began, kneeling down in front of her, reaching for her hands.
“-Please, don’t, Harry.” She said quietly, flinching away from me. She had never done that before.
“Please look at me?” I begged, my heart feeling like it was straining against my chest at the way she was treating me; like she was ashamed, disappointed, sad, all of the above.
“I can’t…” She whispered. A tear fell from her eye and hit the fabric of her shirt.
“…please?” I asked again. Slowly, she lifted her head, her eyes shiny with tears, her lip quivering. “I am so, so sorry that you had to see that. I’m sorry that it even happened. I dont- I haven’t go a clue what I was thinking, not pulling away earlier. I was just really hurt by what she told me about you and Conner. And I know now that it was a lie! But just the thought of you two, together. It makes me sick. It makes me want to punch a hole through the wall. I don’t know why i’m like this, why I screw up every good thing I ever have. But I just need you to talk to me, don’t shut me out.” I was desperate for her to tell me what she was thinking, to understand what was going on in her head.
“I want us to be able to be honest with each other…” Anna said, wiping her eyes. “And I guess if we’re confessing things, you should know that I did something stupid last night…” My body went rigid, absolutely petrified about what she was going to say next.
“No, no, nothing like that. I just.. sort of, left Maria stranded at that party. You had left, I was upset, and she was pissing me off. So when Niall was asking where she was when we were leaving… I said she already had a ride. I knew that she didn’t.” She looked guilty, way too guilty for doing something so minor to a girl who had completely screwed her over. She buried her face in her hands, sighing. “This is so messed up.” She mumbled. I nodded, but realized she couldn’t see me.
“What are you thinking?” I asked after a few seconds. I might as well just be straightforward with this whole thing.
“I’m thinking…that you probably don’t want to know what i’m thinking.”
“Because i’m thinking about what might’ve happened if I hadn’t seen you two.”
I gulped. “Do you want to hear the honest truth?”
She nodded.
“Nothing would’ve happened. I can promise you that. I would’ve stopped it no matter what, there isn’t a doubt in my mind. It lasted for a few seconds only because I was shocked, and angry, but mostly shocked. I don’t want her, I don’t want anyone else but you. And I know I should think before I act, and agreeing to a drink with her in the first place was stupid. I think the only reason I did was because the thoughts I was having about you and him were torturing me, and I couldn’t take it.”
“I’ve known the guy a couple of days, what made you think there could EVER be anything going on?” The more we talked, the stupider I felt.
“I don’t have a clue… Jealousy just takes over with me sometimes. I know, it’s stupid-” I looked away, feeling my cheeks flush from my own pure awkwardness.
“No, no it’s not. It’s- it might be a good thing sometimes. it makes a girl feel wanted.” Her hand cupped my cheek and I turned to look at her again.
“You are - wanted.” I watched as her eyes wandered across my face, her lip twitching.
“This really wasn’t how this vacation was supposed to go…” She mumbled, letting her hand fall back to her lap. A second ago, I had thought she was going to tell me she forgave me, but then, she didn’t. I needed to convince her, I needed her to trust me.
“I know, love. But let me make it up to you, that’s the only thing I want. Please?” I spoke slowly, choosing my words carefully. She looked back up at me, that same twitch of her lip, her brows knit together.
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just- try and move on.”
Her words were exactly what I wanted to hear, but her eyes were telling me something completely different. But I decided to ignore that nagging in the back of my mind, at least for now. We only had 6 more days here and I wanted to make the best of it. Because I had a feeling that the second we got back to London, things were going to resume to their frantic never-ending craziness that is my life.


Was I really over the fact that I had witnessed my boyfriend kissing a girl who was someone other than me?
Was I going to pout for the rest of the trip and hold it against Harry?
No. Not my style.
But over the next few days I felt… different, than I had before. I felt distant from the group, even Harry. I felt like my mind was never completely there, like I was just pretending. I was pretending to be okay, pretending to have moved on, and even once in a while pretending to be having a good time. But I would’ve hated to be the person to ruin the trip for everyone, so I shut everything out and put on a brave face. Last night, at around 3 AM, I woke up to find Harry’s arm wrapped around my waist, his head right next to mine. We hadn’t been like this when I fell asleep. I had been on my side, he on his. I hated it; it was awkward and uncomfortable and I loved being close to him, but I couldn’t for some reason. He had seemed upset, but I just couldn’t allow myself to move over and snuggle into his shoulder like I always do. But now, with his quiet snores and messy hair and long lashes and warm skin, I was able to forget just for a second how I was feeling. I looked at Harry, seeing the little boy features I adored and smiled to myself. I loved him, I really did. I was just, scared.

There were only 2 days until we flew home and Danielle, Eleanor and I were enjoying the sun and the beach as much as possible before we returned to the freezing, cloudy, rainy weather that was London’s normalcy.
“You guy’s excited to meet Perrie when we get back? I think we should take her out next week.” Zayn had managed to tell the entire group about Perrie and now it was a pretty consistent topic of conversation. Everyone was excited to meet her and see what she was like, especially the three of us.
“Yeah, that’d be fun. She seems nice. And i’ve never seen Zayn like this about a girl.” Danielle said, her eyes shut as she soaked in the bright rays of sun.
“Can we please not pretend like something else isn’t going on?” Eleanor suddenly said, sitting up and taking off her sunglasses to look at me.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I said, trying to seem nonchalant.
“Okay, i’m just going to come right out and say it. Bullshit, Anna. You know exactly what i’m talking about.” I was shocked by Eleanor’s bluntness, she was usually so sweet and innocent.
“El, come on. Do we need to do this now?” Danielle asked, just wanting to keep the peace.
“Yeah, we do. I can’t stand this. You’re clearly still upset, Harry’s walking on eggshells. It’s not like you two, you guys are usually so in synch with each other.” I hated to hear that Harry knew something was going on, because that was the one thing I was trying to avoid.
“I don’t know what to tell you…” I said quietly. “You guys know what happened a few days ago. How would you feel if Liam or Louis did that to you? Would you be able to just bounce back, have everything go back to normal?” They both looked away from me, hopefully understanding where I was coming from.
“Okay, fine, you’re right. But pretending like you’re okay isn’t what you should be doing! You know what Anna.”
“Yeah but what other choice do I have? We have 2 more days, I can handle this for that long. I don’t want to ruin the vacation for everyone else. So if I have to suffer through it, I will. I love Harry, and i’m not going to stop loving him because of this. But we clearly need to work some things out. But it can wait until we get home.”
“What if you don’t get the chance to do it when we get home?” Danielle interjected.
“What do you mean?” Did she know something that I didn’t?
“The boys are going to be busier than ever. What if things just escalade from here and you never tell him how you’re feeling and it gets too late and everything blows up in your face. What are you going to do then?” These girls were too smart, they should be therapists or something.
“Well I guess i’ll have to deal with that if it come to it. But for now, I just want to get through these next two days without any more drama or anything like that. Okay?” I looked at both of them, willing them to just let it go, at least for now.
“Fine.” They both agreed, settling back into their chairs.
“When I see that Maria girl i’m gonna bitch slap her so hard-” Eleanor began.
“El!” I laughed, swatting her arm.
“I’m not kidding! I could take her!” I laughed, grateful for the comic relief. It made me forget, even just for a minute, how empty I felt inside.


@notarealhipster Who do you imagine anna as?


I'm from the US, outside of Philly :)
Where are you from? My side of the pond (United States) or the other one?
I love this story it's my favorite one I've read so far! :)