I think it’s one of those periods in life where you earnestly don’t know what to feel or how to behave. It’s that ambivalent feeling you have when you are about to meet someone you haven’t seen for ages. It’s bittersweet. On one hand, you cannot wait to see the person again and feel their presence and on the other, you do not know whether to feel excited or apprehensive.

I had so many thoughts going on in my mind when I was planning New Year’s Eve. It was such a huge circus to plan the evening because I constantly had an anxious feeling in the back of my mind. The thought of seeing Harry again scared me after our phone call.

“Zayn who is going to invite Harry for the party?” I asked him while he was cocking breakfast.
“Don’t worry about it. Louis already called him” he smiled back at me.

“Really? When?”
It surprised me that they already had fixed it and it rather disappointed me because I felt like I owed him the invitation. It was what I at least could do after the awkward ‘break up’ situation.

“Two days ago I think. Don’t worry about it. Harry can’t wait to see us again,” he said calmly. “By the way I’m going to meet with Louis today to plan the last things for New Year’s”.


Before I knew it, it was New Years Eve and Louis’ apartment was filled with our closest friends, great music, food and drinks. The energy was good; people were talking, laughing and even dancing. The night had started really well but as soon as I saw Harry, my heart started beating as if I had run two marathons in a row.

I stood with my friend Emily. While we were having a laugh, I noticed his eyes looking in my direction. I had feared his presence near mine since the party started but I really wanted to shake it off and just have fun. However, I simply didn’t know whether to say hi or not. I whispered to Emily that he was looking and I felt like I was going to get a panic attack. We went to the bar to get some shots that could calm me down, and suddenly I beheld that he was near me. As if, I could hear his voice. In addition, it was true! He was standing right next to me with an guy I had never seen before. I tried to turn my head a little just to get a quick peek of him, and at that moment, it was as he noticed it.

“Why the hell didn’t you say anything you idiot?!” Emily punched my arm in frustration. “You were THIS close,” she said while squeezing her two fingers into a little inch.

“I don’t know okay?!" I went to check if people were having a good time but as usual, my thoughts were all over the place. Why didn't he say anything? Did it indicate that he was mad at us?

I passed the bar again and poured up another drink. My arm rested at the table as I searched through the crowd – then again – it was like his eyes were magnetic, pointing to mine no matter which direction I looked at. There were something different about them. I didn't get lost in them this time as I did before. Looking in his eyes didn’t make me feel anything. Somehow, I liked it because it meant that I was finally letting go of everything I had for him. However, he still meant something for me. He was still my first love. My first everything.

He looked great though. His blazer looked somewhat silky, it was black and it matched his shoes perfectly. His hair was perfectly styled and as usual he looked great.He always knew how to dress nicely.

Wauw, I suddenly noticed that he was smiling at me. I got so anoxious. I hadn't seen that smile for what felt like ages. It reminded me of how much I would miss that smile and his presence. I still care about him. Not in the loved-up kind of way but in the ’I –care-about-you-so-much-that-I-can’t-let-you-go’ kind of way.

Shit, what's happening? Harry started walking towards me, making me feel a whole zoo in my stomach!

”Hi” he smiled.
”Hey” I answered..What was I supposed to say in a situation like this? As awkward as I was, I immediately looked at the ground. I felt so uncomfortable and shy as if he was the parent and I had done a very terrible thing.

”You don’t have to be shy in front of me Annabelle”, he simpered.

”What do you mean? I’m not shy!” I said as I took another sip.

”I know it because you are blushing and you’re biting your gum, which you always do when you’re nervous or apprehensive”.

”You’ve noticed that?!”

”I notice every single thing about you. Believe me, I have studied you” he chuckled and took a sip of his glass. ” I didn’t know I was able to make you feel nervous?”

”Oh you are. Believe me. Honestly, I was so nervous to see you. I admitted. I wanted to speak up and tell him everything.

”Do you want to go out and talk?” he asked as he pointed at the terrace door. I nodded and followed his steps while I tried to clear my throat.

"Dont loose it A!" I thought to myself.

The view from the balcony was amazing. We were at fifth floor so we could see Big Ben and the amazing fireworks few meters from our block. What more could you ask for? Moreover, the lighting in the streets were amazing. Luckily, there was no one out here so no one could listen or spy on us. Despite the fact that there was a table and chairs, we decided to sit next to each other at a sandbag each.

”You want to start off?” I asked. I knew he had a lot on heart. He seemed so calm but I knew he wasn’t. It took minutes before he would kick off about how horrible I was.

” It was hard for me to let you go. Obviously. Not only because I care about you, but also because you were the first girl I opened my heart to. Actually. Not only my heart, also my soul. Everything Annabelle! Do you know how much it hurts to give all of you when you only get half in return? The feeling I had with you was so different from others I’ve had. I don’t think you’ve realized how much pain you’ve caused me the last couple of months. I kept giving it a try because I really wanted to work things out and I thought you felt the same way.”

He held for a pause and ran his fingers through his hair. He started in the dark with an angry smirk on his face. It made me feel so horrible.

”Apparently. You did not feel the same way. I just don’t understand how you can keep changing your mind. How do you even know that the choice you made this time is the right one?”

”Because.. I can just feel it”.

”So it’s different, right?”

”Yeah, it’s different from..” I stopped. I felt like I would hurt him even more if I continued.

”From what.. me?”

I nodded.

”Just say it out loud. I can take it”

”From you Harry” I whispered with the lowest tone ever. The tears pressed up in my eyes, I just wanted to hug him and repeat” I’m sorry” a million times but I knew nothing could help.
He looked at me with a glance that gave me goose bumps. And this time, it wasn’t in the positive way.

”I am not here to ruin our friendship or whatever we have now. I just want to tell you that I will have you in my heart. Even though I couldn’t make you the world’s happiest I’m still glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy, because that’s all I care about. You being happy. I might not always understand your choices but i’m sure you’re making them for a good reason. I know you are a clever girl and I do wish you the best, despite the fact that you broke me.

He took a sip of his champagne.

” Annabelle?
He paused.

I hope he gives you the feeling you gave me. I hope that whenever he smiles you, your smile will be even bigger in return. I hope his happiness is your happiness and that he makes you the happiest on earth. You deserve nothing less. But Annabelle, remember”, he said as he stood up from the sandbag. At that point, I questioned if I should stand up as well or make myself mentally ready to get a real smack in my face.

“I loved you with all of my heart and even if I wasn’t good enough, or was the one for you, you still fell for me first. Just promise that you will remember me in a good way because I’ve never had intentions to hurt you. Remember me as your first great love because that is how I will remember you, even though you crushed my heart”. Great, as if I didn’t feel guilty enough, he had to say all these sweet things.

“H..Harry?” I tried to find my inner confidence but it felt like I had lost it from the moment I saw him. “I will never forget you. You were something special and i'm so blessed to have a guy like you in my life. I will never stop caring for you. Not because you were my first but mainly because you were one of the best things that happened to me. I'm so grateful for you, believe me!”


“Are you sure we can be friends?” he asked after a minute of silence.

“Of course we can. I mean, it will be weird in the beginning but of course, we can. We have this-“

-“Connection, I know” he smiled as he looked at me, causing me to send him one in return.

“So you are able to forgive me?”

“You know me. I don’t like to bear a grudge. I care about you too much to want to walk around and hate you because you follow your heart”.

“You have no idea how much that means to me Harry. I was so sure that you would hate me like, forever”. I don’t even know how we were able to pull off a laugh in this conversation.

“Ann, I don’t hate you. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world. You only have some say in who hurts you. I don’t regret getting hurt by you because I love you.”

“So you will promise me that we’ll keep in contact?” I asked as I grabbed his hand and got up from the sandbags. “Always. I’m here as long as you want me around” he smiled and hugged me. We stood there for a good couple of minutes.

We went back inside again.

“Where have my darling been all night?” Zayn said as he hugged me from behind. I turned around and gave him a kiss.

“Cheers idiots” Niall screamed as he lifted his glass up in the air and everyone in the apartment cheered with us.

“What happened with you and Harry outside?” Soph asked out of nowhere while we were eating snacks. “We just talked things out. We still love each other you know but I think he has accepted my descision you know.."

“He really loves you Annabelle. He's even looking at you again!"

“No way. Don’t say that!”

“It’s so crazy that everything turned out this way”

“ I know right? I can’t believe it.

“But do you like.. You know” she made a weird expression with her face.

"Like what?"

“Regret him?”

“No. He’s the best mistake I’ve ever made. I can’t regret a special person like him. Look at him, he’s handsome, tall, caring, charming, wonderful. He understands me you know. I don’t know what happened. But whatever we had, I’m glad we had it.”

“EVERYONE PLEASE PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE NEW YEAR! It's right around the corner! Louis yelled with his full lungs. We all stood together in a circle. Zayn, Louis, Liam, Harry, El, Soph and I. We were ready to cheer punctually!

Then Zayn gave me a smile that just seemed so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpectedly sent warmth rushes through me. And at that time I knew that I was where I exactly was supposed to be, the place I would rather be than anywhere else - In his arms, feeling his presence at that specific moment. He was my new beginning and there was no person I would rather start a new year with than him. I didn’t care what anyone else was doing. Nothing seemed to matter more than having the right guy in front of my very own eyes, knowing he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Even having my best friends with me, ending a great year with them and starting a new one as well, was something I’ve always wanted to do. I could not ask for a better way to end the year that had been such a rollercoaster with lots of memories and great valuable moments.

Everyone looked so happy even though we knew that after this night, nothing would ever be the same again. It was like no one cared about it because we lived for this moment at this specific time. And now thinking of it; life should be about living in the moment, instead of always worrying, wondering and wasting time. Being in the moment and living it fully is better than losing something that could be the greatest memory, greatest expecience of all times. I knew the upcoming year would be so different without Harry, a boy that had made a weird inpact on me and the others as well. It wasn't his arms around mine which I thought for months ago, it was now Zayn standing next to me, smiling big. Not him. That’s life. You never know what you get, who you fall for or who you lose. You can never be sure about something because it always turns out to be something completely different.

Surprises. Smiles. Shocks. That sums up this year.

“FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE – HAAAAAPPY NEW YEAR!!! We cheered at the exact second the date changed.

We stood there, looking at each other without saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.

And from that moment I knew that magic was about to happen. I had closed one chapter and now the first line of the new one was about to be written.

Notes

SHIT! I can't believe that i've actually written the last chapter. FINALLY. I know what you are thinking and I don't blame you at all. I've had some stressed weeks with a lot of problems but i've tried my best to write this chapter. I mostly write at night, that's why I have some grammar mistakes etc but I hope you guys can deal with it. It's weird that the story has finally come to an end and i'm so terrified that I will regret the ending in some days but right now i'm empty for ideas and I have so many things to deal with in my personal life so I just thought that if I don't post this now, I probably never will..Btw I tried to put some pictures/links in the story but my computer keeps messing with me -__-

I hope you liked my chapter and that u are satisfied even if you had to wait way more longer than I thought :/ I wanna thank my active subscribers, who always have commented and stayed here even though i've been slacking for some weeks. Because of you I actually had a reason for keep writing and believing that I am good enough :) It means a lot to me to hear your feedback :) It's been fun to try this. Unfortunately I did not put my heart and soul into every chapter but i've learned from this story and I won't post any new story untill i'm completely sure where I want to go with it. And i'm sorry for such a long chapter, I couldn't help myself, I really tried to cut it down haha :)
Anyways- Thank you once again for being there, for commenting, voting, subscribing. It actually surprises me that I still have subscribers haha! I'm glad for the positive comments that I got along the way They truly motivated me and i'll do my best to not let you down with the new story that some day will be posted online :)

Take care, have a great weekend everyone x