I turned around in bed, hoping that somehow I could have more than ten minutes of sleep. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer to his bare chest. I squirmed, turning around again.
He seemed so exhausted. So tired to a point where I felt the need to tell him to go deal with the things in his life. In the nice way of course.
I have barely seen my family since the day it happened. I been closed in my room, only leaving to stretch my legs and go to the funeral. Niall had been in pain too, not only emotional, but his bad knee wasn’t helping the slightest bit. He accidentally hit the edge of the bed yesterday and bled from his scar that strangely wasn’t completely healed yet.
It was actually nice, for both him and me, to know I still had the energy to take care of the man that I love. After that we both laid in bed, me being extra careful not to hurt him. I didn’t want to add to his pain, just like he didn’t want to add to mine.
I appreciated that he was here, and he was comforting me through all of this. But I felt extremely sorry that he had to wake up in the middle of the night to my yelps and screams. The house felt like it was haunted because of me and I hated to make him go through that.
As I said before, he looks exhausted. The round shaped circles under his eyes bigger than ever, his eyes were practically squinted all the time and he moved slowly. I was used to him being the energetic person I fell in love with, but I couldn’t help to love the one in front of me even more.
“Baby, your dad said we should all be downstairs for diner in an hour!” He whispered, kissing my temple “They’re trying to get back to normal!” He finished
“Okay!” I whispered back, feeling as like the slightest louder tone would break me or him “I never got a chance to thank you Ni!” I said, leaning to kiss his nose
I saw how he closed his eyes to feel my cold lips against his nose. I smiled sadly, moving down to kiss his cheek next. Niall’s breath hitched his throat as he let out an appreciation sound to my lips on his skin.
“You don’t have to thank me princess!” He whispered his eyes still closed in that soft and calm expression that I loved so much.
He looked like an angel despite all the tattoos and the bags underneath his eyes. I’m pretty sure I always think this when he’s asleep, but he’s so much more peaceful with his eyes closed. When he’s actually looking, when he finds a problem somewhere, it’s so obvious, so transparent. Like innocence. Like he’s the innocent boy he was before the ‘accident’.
“Yes I do!” I insisted “You could be dealing with band stuff right now, but you’re here!”
“Where else would I be?” He kissed my temple again, like he had the way there carved in his brain.
I sighed, getting closed to him to cuddle for the first time in a week. Being laid in a bed, spooning, I don’t consider that to be cuddling. To me, cuddling is showing affection, something I couldn’t bring myself to do this past week. I didn’t feel like I could show that much of affection without breaking, all because I couldn’t show her that anymore, I couldn’t offer her that. Ever again.
But I’m going to show Niall the amount of affection he deserves to be shown.
My hands dug on his hair when he threatened to open his eyes to see what I was doing. I wanted him to relax. He deserved for practically taking care of a newborn this week. He took showers with me, he brought me things to eat, he picked out my clothes and went out of his way to help me sleep or keep me happy (wich meant he brought me books).
I started caressing his hair, playing with it, twirling it, caressing it. I knew he liked me to play with his hair. Silently, I leaned forward to plant a kiss in his forehead, my small lashes brushing against his pale skin.
We were a tangling mess of limbs and strength when Niall decided to turn us around, now standing over me. His legs rested on each side of my body while I stared at him. He stared right back at me, a small sparkle re-installing itself in his eyes as he did. I raised a hand to caress his cheek, but he caught it and kissed the palm, putting it to his chest.
“Don’t!” He whispered, tactically resting his body over mine as his legs supported most of his weight, so he didn’t have to pile on me
“Don’t what?” I asked
“Don’t try to make me rest when you’ll be wide awake, suffering! I want to be here, for you, like this okay?” He asked as he rested his head on the crook of my neck, kissing the small spot.
I nodded, certain he had understood and ran my hands over his hair again. It was almost completely brown now, only a few inches on the edges were still blond, and I came to the conclusion that his natural hair color was exactly the same as mine. The same brown color as mine.
I breathed in his scent, wrapping my fragile limbs around his body like I needed him more than I need air. And I probably do! I sighed, tightening my grasp just a little bit, and closing my eyes at the feeling of warmth he was transmitting.
“I love you, you know that right?” He asked, making me stop in my tracks “No matter what, I love you!” I nodded, my hands caressing his hair again “I know it’s hard, but you can’t let yourself go down, whatever happens, I think I wouldn’t be capable of seeing you go into depression!” He gulped “Not depression!” He begged.
I nodded!
I only nodded, because I didn’t want to make any promises that I couldn’t keep. I admit that closing myself felt like the easiest thing to do, and keep it all to myself, but I also recognized more trouble when I saw it. Depression would only send my family into a negative spiral of waisted wariness and depreciative feelings.
He was still hovering over me, his legs still managing to support his slim figure in both of his shins. I took a good look at him again. From someone who saw him naked already, Niall Horan was beautiful even when clothed. His thin waist was perfect for my abnormally slender hands to grab, and his chest was so hard and somewhat comfy, how his arm always felt like a perfect match around my waist. Niall was the perfect match for me, and I was sure as hell not many people would be able of finding what I had found: their soul mate!
I think when you lose something important, you tend to look at everything and everyone around you and suddenly, you know how you would feel if you lose them, you get to understand how important they are to you. I can’t even imagine what would happen if I lost him.
“Kids, dinner’s on the table!” We heard my dad call, knocking on my door and speaking as happily as he could at the moment.
“We’re coming Tom!” Niall answered, momentarily looking at the door, only to look back at me next.
He looked back at me, and the intensity in the icy blues was so strong, I needed to look away. My hands, still holding to his waist, applied a small pressure so he knew he was making me a bit uncomfortable. I closed my eyes for a second when he wrapped his arms around my waist, and then sighed.
“These have been too grey for my liking Speedy!” He said, kissing my closed eyelids.
“I can’t help it!” I whispered
“Yes, you can!” He insisted “You know your brain isn’t the only organ you have, wich mean you don’t need to over think everything Johanna! You can feel stuff, you don’t need to think about feeling it! Just go with the flow!”
“If I go with the flow, I’ll cry my eyes out, and I think no one needs that!” I share my thoughts “They’re grieving enough already!”
“Babe, you need to overcome this! She didn’t want you to live your life secluded from everybody else didn’t she? She would want you to get up and go fight for what you believe in. She would want you build your career as a strong independent women in the journalism area and I am sure she would rely on me to guide you through this mess, so that’s what I’m doing!”
He smiled, kissing my forehead and getting off me. He stretched while I watched his naked back stretch, still in the bed. I sighed, pushing the covers back and rubbing my eyes as I crossed my legs.
“What do you want from your closet?” He asked me, his head already inside, picking out a shirt for himself.
“Just a pair of sweatpants and one of your tees please!” I asked, being tossed the items a few seconds later.
I pulled the sweatpants on and took the only clothing piece I had on, my shirt, to change it for one of Niall’s. I sighed as my feet complained from the lack of movement in the last couple of days.
“Let’s go?” He asked me, surrounding my waist with his long arms and slowly lifting me in the air.
“Hu-Hum!” I nodded, leaning down to plant a kiss on his lips.
He corresponded, his hug turning a bit tighter as he did. I surrounded his neck with my arms and fought the urge to cry as the kiss kept on and on, only our lips touching. I blinked back the confusing tears when he put me down, planting a kiss on my temple again.
Niall grabbed my hand and walked slowly with me till the door, making sure I had enough strength and energy to walk correctly. We turned to walk normally once he figured out I was fine.
Downstairs, everybody was silent. No one spoke when Niall and I came downstairs to eat, while everyone was sat at the end of the stairs. I got a place for myself next to Niall, getting comfy in his chest as he laced an arm around my waist. I sighed.
“Better?” Niall asked
“Yes!” I answered.
All the sadness in the room was making me dizzy. And everything in my belly tied in one firm knot.
“Hey Niall!” Maria greeted, her eyes landing on me next “How’s she doing?”
“The best she can!” He whispered
“Has she been eating?” She asked
“A little bit yes!” He answered
“Is she sleeping properly?”
“Stop talking about me like I’m not present!” I thundered, getting up from the steps where my siblings were previously sitting, and walked right towards the kitchen.
I was tired of everybody seeing me as the weakling in the family. But everybody always saw me like that. I might have even been weaker than Jess who was still a child. Talking in whispers around me like I would break, asking questions about me, worrying about where I was and if I was going to get home safe.
Maybe it’s because I’ve always been different, and a little lost. Maybe that’s why people always bring their protective sides over to me. But I hate it. I hate being treated like a child when my childhood had vanished when I was four and Maria came.
I never had a childhood. Only chores, and tasks. Obligations and duties. I just wanted to be a child again, and act like I didn’t understand what was going on. At least I didn’t had to feel like I was weak.
My parents were sat in the table already and I joined them, not caring to answer questions if they had them for me. I didn’t even brush my hair before I came down for dinner, and I didn’t even bother to pull my hair in a pony tail.
I sighed, hiding my hands beneath the tablecloth, crossing my legs on top of the chair while no one else arrived. I was allowed to do so, while the meal hadn’t started, when it did, I would be forced to be as motionless as possible.
My hands fiddled with the fabric of my sweatpants, noticing I didn’t cover my tattoo. It’s not like they were going to pay much attention to it, so I decided to just ignore it. A few moments later, the tree remaining people walked inside the dining room, taking their predefined places on the table.
Niall sat right next to me and grabbed my hand, lifting it up to kiss it as an apology. I nodded and turned our connected hands around, kissing his to let him know everything was okay. I felt my mom’s eyes on us all the time as we exchanged that small sign of affection and it was enough for her to clean her throat and act like she was one step above everyone else.
“I don’t know how stuff worked in your house young man, but in this house, we eat in silence!” She said, loud and clear
“I understand ma’am!” I frowned
Niall wasn’t going to talk back to her, and is calling her ‘ma’am’ now. Okay, he probably doesn’t want to cause any more drama, so he’s laying low for now.
During the entire awkward meal, me and Niall never let go of each other’s hand while he kept squeezing it harder and harder. I felt the urge to lean in and ask him if everything was alright with him, but I had to remind myself that my mom was watching us already, only because of our connected hands.
I squeezed his hand back,, sending him a small smile, as comforting as I could as he smiled back, as sadly as I did.
While I wasn’t worrying about Niall, I took the remaining time to take a look at my dad. He was so tired and sad. I could see it in his eyes. I swallowed, knowing he was as sad as me, but he still worried so, so much about me.
When it ended, we got up and individually got up to go to our rooms. We were by the stairs when Niall stopped and told me he was going to have something to drink and that I could go right up and get inside the covers so I could rest.
I did what he told, quickly stripping off my sweatpants and laying on bed. And I waited for him to come, five minutes to be precise and then I got up, worried he had done something or something had happened. He could have slipped and hit his head, he could be hurt somewhere. I quickly got up and pulled my sweatpants on again, running downstairs to the kitchen.
You can’t imagine my surprise when I noticed it was empty and nothing had changed since the last time I was there. Frowning, I walked to the dining room. Nothing. And then the living room, where I heard voices coming from.
The door was slightly opened, allowing me to see the group of people inside.
Niall stood right in the middle of the living room, over the white Persian carpet, his arms crossed across his chest while he was bravely facing my mom and dad.
It wasn’t my intention to eavesdrop, I sweat it wasn’t, but when I heard them talking, I couldn’t leave anymore.
“How did you find out?” My dad asked, his eyes widened as the circles around his eyes became bigger
“What I’m interested to know is, where you even considering telling her?” Niall asked “I pity her just a little! Living with a mother figure who doesn’t love her and a father who lied to her all her life!” Niall spit out
I held on to the frame of the door. I didn’t know what I was about to hear, but I already knew it wasn’t good. I felt panic crawl up my throat as I kept hearing them.
“She’s the parasite in this house!” My mom calmly answered, like it was what she believed. My heart sunk down in my stomach, making all the blood in my face drain.
“Careful!” Niall warned, his voice scarily calm “You might not love her, but there’s people in this room who still do!”
“Oh yes, I forgot about the ‘gentleman’ who fell in love with her! How dare you come here and talk to me about lying to someone when it’s clear you never told her about this either? You’re in this lie now, Niall” He slightly froze
“I wanted to confront you first!” He argued “Are you going to tell her or not?”
TELL ME WHAT?!
I saw how Niall turned to my dad, who was still slightly shocked by the fact that Niall knew what I was a stranger to on porpoise.
“Fine by me!” She answered, patting her hands against the cushions of the couch “I never liked her anyway!” She shrugged “She’s the constant reminder of her whore of a mother!” I frowned
“Careful!” This time it was my dad who warned her
“What?! It’s the truth! She was a whore, and then she decided to die and leave you with her! Nott even when she’s dead I get a little rest from her petty self!” My dad creaked his teeth with anger “And are you going to allow this… this… hobo to turn against me in my own house?!” She demanded from my dad
My heart was racing as I looked towards the ground. Everything made sense now. How she never, ever treated me the exact same way as my sisters, how I was never, ever loved, how I always felt like I never belonged.
“I don’t care whose house this is, it will never ever change the fact that you’re missing on a great human being only because you’re a jealous, whining bitch! You don’t want to love her as her mother, well then fuck you, because I know my mom will take her in like she’s her own!” Niall got closer to her “She doesn’t need any of you to be happy, she has me!”
“And what can you offer her boy? Please, take her away by any means…” My dad creaked his teeth again “She’s ruining my family. That… That… bastard! Literally!” Niall was shaking from hate, and he was about to answer back when I decided to walk in.
“Shut up, SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!” I yelled
Everything was silence for a moment, then there was panic. In Niall, in dad. My so called mother was just sat back and smiling devilishly, like she was about to enjoy a show.
“Johanna!” Niall called, his voice filled with panic and hurt as he charged towards me.
I lifted my hand to stop him. I didn’t want him anywhere near me.
“You!” I pointed at my dad “What are they talking about?”
“Birdy, let me explain, I…”
“Shut the hell up!” I yelled “My sister died a week ago dad! No one loved her more that I did and still do, and while I’m grieving and in pain I find out that you’ve been lying to me all this time?”
“Johanna!” He tried again
“I did everything to take care of her, take care of her like she was my daughter when you weren’t around. Tried to be a good example like you were to me. And now I find out it was all a lie? What do you think I was going to do? Hit you because I wasn’t her daughter?!” I demanded, pointing with my hand to the woman sitting on the couch, who I don’t recognize anymore. She was dead to me the moment she called me a parasite “And my mother’s dead? Dead? My biological mother is dead and now I can’t even meet the person who gave birth to me? HOW SELFISH CAN YOU BE?” I yelled as he got up, running to hug me. I punched his chest “We could have go through this like normal people, but no, you lied to me!” I punched him in his chest again “How dare you lie to me when I never lied to you?” I asked “How dare you betray my trust? How dare you betray me when I put all my trust in you when I had no one else to talk to?!” I punched again
Two hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me back from my fight as I yelled and screamed. No tears were running down my cheeks as I was too angry and hurt to even considering doing that.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I demanded
I didn’t want Niall to touch me. I felt dirty when he touched me.
All the sneaking around, and the phone calls I wasn’t supposed to hear but did, and how he got defensive with me. He knew this all. He knew this before he had sex with me… before he took my virginity away.
“Speedy look at me!” Niall pleaded as I struggled to get free from his grip.
“Let me go!” I demanded
“Your mother died two years after you were born Johanna, I didn’t knew you existed, I didn’t knew she was pregnant when we split up. But if I did, I would never had let you go two years without knowing me!” I felt bile crawling up my throat as I pressed my hands in my ears.
“I don’t want to hear anything. I just want my stuff and go away from you twisted, sick, lying people!”I yelled, elbowing Niall in his stomach so he could let me go.
I turned around, ready to go grab my things and leave when I heard a voice. Her voice.
“How does it feel to have everyone abandoning you sunshine? You were the reason I never got the family I wanted for myself, you destroyed it all!” She said, her words dripping with venom “You’re just a sad little girl, who has no mother and no one to love her. A father who lied to her all her life, a boyfriend who was partner in crime and he took your virginity without telling you right?” She laughed demonically “Always such a prude, a person who always planned everything, who was perfect in every single way and now look at you, you have nothing. You’re a puny, insignificant excuse of a human being, and now an orphan too!” She smiled
I was breathing heavily now, my heart was on fire and I saw read, so I grabbed the closest thing to me, wich happened to be an expensive letter opener and threw it, just threw it right under her arm in the couch she loved so much, opening a huge hole. It wasn’t my intention to hurt her, just the sofa because it meant something to her.
I charged to throw down the ancient jar she got from her mother a few years ago before she died, wich had very sentimental value to her since it passed from generation in generation. I also demolished the rocking chair, throwing it across the room, a chair that belonged to her grandfather. And after I threw the million dollar crystal piece in the ground, I was done.
“You’re the puny, insignificant human being here! You don’ now love, or happiness and you’re a fucking whore who dared to touch my mom’s name with venom lips. I’m sure she was an amazing person, someone I would love more than I love any of you!” I yelled, storming off, but not before noticing everyone was frozen in their place, admired by my bold move.
I ran upstairs, grabbing my backpack and throwing some clothes inside. As I opened my undergarments drawer, I saw the picture of me and him, while we were smiling and having fun. He probably knew already, he knew about this secret and he never, ever told me.
It wasn’t until then than my eyes began to water and I started to cry. I grabbed the frame and threw it against the door’s frame, the glass breaking and producing a loud noise. Niall walked in right when the frame was connecting with the wall, and when he did, I turned my back at him and kept packing.
“Johanna!” He said, leaning to grab our photograph and starting to walk closer to me
“Don’t take another step!” I warned
“Babe!” Niall called, his voice filled with panic
“You know what? I actually believed when you told me you loved me!” I said, laughing bitterly “How stupid was I right? You probably even made up all that story just so you can watch me suffer! Maybe a bet with your friends? Is that what this joke was all about?” I asked
“What?! No!” Niall said, daring to walk closer.
“Don’t!” I warned
“Please baby, let’s talk, let’s not fight because of this!”
“Fight?” I laughed, turning around to close my backpack and put it in my back, walking out of my room with hi following me
“We’re not going to fight?” He asked a slight flicker of hope in his voice.
I grabbed my keys from the hanger and took the ones from the house out, throwing them at my dad who happened to be entering the hall.
“Birdy don’t do this!” He pleaded
“I don’t want to see your face ever again!” I said “Do you understand me? Ever again!”
And then I stormed off.
I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. I wasn’t who I thought I was. They lied to me for eighteen years. My entire life.
“Where are we going to?” I heard Niall ask behind me
“Us?” I asked, slowly turning around “We?” I repeated “There’s no we!” I say
All the blood drains from his face as panic took over once more. I was really, really pissed at him.
“It’s over!” I say as I feel a slight breeze brush my hairs
“You can’t walk out on me!” I yelps, walking quickly in my direction
“I can and I will!” I say
“Baby I was going to tell you everything once you got better from this. But then you heard and everything was ruined! You weren’t supposed to find out like this. God, not like this!”
“When you had sex with me, did you knew?” I asked and he froze “Did you knew?” I insisted. After a few seconds of thinking, he nodded slightly.
I took a deep breath in, trying to not start to cry again. I closed my eyes for a second and the opened them again, only to look right in his as I slapped him as hard as I could.
He stumbled back, taking a hand to his cheek and looking at me with big, widening eyes.
“It’s over, done! I don’t want to have any connection with you anymore. You’re dead to me, DEAD!” I yell
I turn my back at him and walk towards my mini cooper again, trying to not cry even more.
“Our relationship is stronger than this! You promised my brother you were never going to give up!” He yelled, making me turn around again to face him
“Secrets destroy relationships! They end them! And yes, I promised your brother I wouldn’t give up on you until you unveiled your secrets, not mine! I’m done with this Niall, the hiding things and get angry at each other, the betrayals. I can’t even look at you anymore without feeling hurt and disgusted!” I yelled, making him shiver.
He fell on his knees, right there on the lawn and begged.
“Please, please give me another chance, please!” I swallowed, trying my best to ignore the feeling that told me to run to him and hug him, to tell him that it was fine.
It wasn’t fine, and it was never, ever going to be fine. Never again
“No Niall, I’m sorry! This is it for us! We’re over!” I say as I walk back to my car.
This was it.
This is what a relationship with that dude did with my family. It broke it, and now I didn’t only have to deal with my sisters death, but also the fact that I had a broken heart, no place to go to, and no family either.
Niall Horan changed my path, yes he did.
I always knew he would.
But I thought it was for the best, and not to this.

Notes

Hi, it's me. ANd this is the last chapter of Punk Direction.

There will be a epilogue, and tell me what you guys think about making a second book. I never really know.
But hey, I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it and I love you all who read this.
Huge kiss,
-Johanna!