Punk Direction (Niall Horan love story)

I remembered running. That was the clearest thing in my mind. Running through white corridors, without any idea where to go, feeling completely lost and disoriented. The characteristic smell struck me right away, but I was motionless, without any strength to even try and scrunch my nose. The walls were closing up on me, my hysteria and panic crawling up my throat disguised as bile that I insisted on purposely push down.
The image was slightly fogged in my head. I didn’t remember anything since a phone call had disturbed one of the many times Niall and I were having fun. I can’t remember exactly what I thought since the voice of a nurse spoke from the other side of the phone. I only remembered the frantic beats of my heart, and how uncomfortable it was to be sat in the car, still, surrounded by door, windows and metal.
I pinched myself several times to be sure I wasn’t dreaming actually, but the agony, the despair was so grand, so … imposing, that I had no idea how I was going to survive that.
And then, when I reached the end of that white hallway, I saw my parents, walking out of the room. My dad sadder than I had ever seen him before, my mother’s eyes wide and feelingless. No tear shed besides my own, but I still knew, deep down, what was going on. I shook my head, narrowing my eyes to prepare for the tears that I knew surely were coming as I stared at both of them.
If someone stuck a knife in my chest, it would probably be way easier, but as I made my way into my dad’s arms, my face red, swollen and humid thanks to all the crying that I had done since the house till the hospital. He took my in, engulfing me into one of his warm and caring hugs, telling me silently, that he would do whatever he could to keep me by his side no matter what.
My untraceable tears soon began to turn into loud, heartbreaking sobs that were surely heard through the entire floor of the hospital. I was a mess of tears, sobs and mind-twisting thoughts as I clinged into my dad’s leather jacket with all the strength I had in me.
My head felt like it was going to explode, the constant pounding on my temples about to drive me to madness. It was probably 3 pm, I hadn’t got any sleep, I was physically tired and worst.
I had found out my sister was dead!
The walls were closing in around me, I could feel it, I felt it surrounding, making my claustrophobia and anxiety work together to give me the ultimate panic attack. The strokes of my dad’s long fingers in my hair weren’t of any help as I kept crying like a gray cloud in a bright blue sky.
I was desolated, sad, felt completely useless and was feeling guilty that I was having an amazing time while my sister was using her last breaths of oxygen. It felt so horribly wrong to pull such a young child from this world. Blimey! It was unfair! I felt so greatly wronged.
I had done anything I could. I had gone through water and fire just to get someone to donate blood to her and when I got it, this happens. Was it so bad for me to think that for once in my life I could be seriously happy? With no steeling, no pretending, just honestly, truthfully and completely happy?
I felt an additional pair of hands in my shoulders, making me turn slightly to face whoever it was. I knew those hands, the hands of the person who I loved so much it hurt.
Not as much as this does though!
“Shh! Shh baby! C’mere!” He said, pulling me into his chest protectively. He extended one hand to my dad, cordially shaking hands with him before he engulfed both Niall and me into his hug.
My chest hurt, and I thought I was close to madness as I tugged at my own shirt, wanting nothing more than to feel lighter, to let go of the pain, but I couldn’t. My dad was suffering, my boyfriend was seeing me like this wich meant he was suffering too… they were both the strongest men I know and they’re here, hugging me.
At some point I must had lost connection with the real world because next thing I remember, I was in my bed at my parent’s house. As I carefully sat, I could still feel the pounding in my head, and the tiredness. But most of all, I could feel the pain.
From a corner of my room, in my sofa that now was moved to face me, stood Niall. A worried look on his face, nothing close to a sparkle in his eyes. All it took was a second look for him to get up and walk towards me.
I raised the covers for him to get in bed with me and when he did, I turned my back at him, silently asking him to wrap his arms around me and work his magic of making me forget everything outside our bubble.
But today it didn’t happen.
“I’m so sorry baby!” Niall said, his head dropping, now hiding in my neck.
I had nothing to say, no more tears to spill. Only a constant tightening in my chest, like I was stuck and I couldn’t move on.
How did I get rid of that?
How could I get up, put a fresh face in the morning and pretend everything was okay when it clearly wasn’t. I value people’s ability to feel, but in moments like this, I wished I didn’t feel, just for a little bit.
How could I move on?
How could I knowing I could never take my sister in another one of our escapes to eat ice cream? I would never help her chose her first bra. Or her first lipstick. One that’s really hers and not filched from our mothers make-up case. I wanted to give her advice about boys, scare the hell of her first boyfriend instead of letting dad do that. I wanted her to be the Godmother of one of my kids … I wanted so many things and yet none will happen.
I let my head fall to side, not bearing Niall’s warm touch. I felt cold. Lifeless, hopeless. So sad, so … broken. I wanted to feel him comforting me but I didn’t want to at the same time. I didn’t want him to testify my weakness either.
“How do I get over this?” I ask, letting my head rest against eh white pillow.
Niall stood silent for a second. I couldn’t stop to think if he felt this way when James dies. After all James was like a brother to him, and brothers, blood related or not, leave a mark on your life forever rather you want it or not.
“You just have to think that her life was one of the greatest parts of yours!” Niall whispered in my ear, pulling me closer to him.
I could feel his breaths, how his chest moved up and down. It was obvious he was trying to contain his breaths, to calm himself down. I comforted myself in his arms, cringing till I was in fetal position, my legs intertwined with his.
“Just think about the great things you and her did together!” He whispered in my hair.
Only one kiss was planted in the top of my head, making me relax one tiny bit. But even so, I couldn’t think about anything other than now. I couldn’t search my memory and find the best things we did together. Or how many times she smiled, how many times she had laughed, how many teeth she had lost already. I couldn’t bring myself to think about that.
I could only focus on now.
I closed my eyes, turning around in his grip to face him. I clinged desperately to his shirt, looking up to face him. The baby blues were the only thing that gave me a little bit of warmth. Even if they have no sparkle at all, I know he’s only like this because of me.
“Johanna!” Niall whispered, leaning to kiss my lips chastely “I’m here for you okay?” I nodded, swallowing next and burying my head in Niall’s neck.
“What happened exactly?” I asked, feeling Niall’s arms surround my body again, to pull me closer to him
“You sure you want to know?” He asked and I nodded, my fingers still grasping his shirt “She suffered from lung injury!”
“But I thought she had liver failure!” I spoke up immediately
“Yes! She did, but sometimes, blood transfusion can cause lung injury! It made it physically hard for her to breath!” Niall took a deep breath “She was really sick before the transfusion, and the doctors think it was a contributing factor!” I let my head rest in his chest, silent tears falling down my cheeks “However, she was very strong! She held on for twelve hours in pain before she was gone baby! You have to be proud of her either way!”
I nodded, shifting in bed and hugging him closer to me, like I needed him to breath.
“I never told her that!” I said “That I was proud of her! I mean, I don’t think she’d remember all the times I did when she was younger!” the tars kept streaming down my face as I focused on getting my feeling out.
“She knew it, even if you didn’t tell her, baby. You’re hurting now, that’s why you can’t see that!” I nodded, raising my gaze to his face.
Niall smiled sadly, his blond hairs a mess as I was sure he tugged at then a thousand times before I woke up. He looked tired and lifeless and he smiled at me, not really wanting to do so. I raised my hand and caressed his cheek, sorry that he had to go through all of this with me.
“I you want to leave, you can!” I said “I don’t want you to be here if you’re going to be that sad!” He frowned
“I’m sad because I loved her!” He said, grabbing my wrist and making circles with his thumb, allowing me to keep caressing his cheek “I fell in love with your family too! Especially her, she was as innocent as you are Johanna! I’m here because I want to!” I nodded
“Rest, you’re tired!” I said
“You rest! You need it more than me!” He said back, taking my hand from his cheek to plant a kiss on my open palm.
I squirmed up in the sheets to reach his mouth, pulling his lips into mine. My heartbeat picked up a steady and fast rhythm as it normally did when Niall’s lips were in mine. I felt the taste of whiskey in his mouth, along with cigarette and a mint bubblegum that was purposely consumed to try to hide the fact that he had smoked and drank while I was here.
I felt nothing but care for him. My body and feelings were devoid of desire or lust, only care and rapturous love. After all, he didn’t need to be here, he could be at home, sleeping peacefully while I was here alone, but he didn’t. He was stuck with me.
As we caringly kissed, my hands raised to caress his hair softly as I pulled back to face him.
“I love you!” I whispered “I’m in love with you!”
Niall grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers, kissing the back of my hand softly. I closed my eyes just for a second, to feel his lips touch my skin once more, but so differently from all the times he had done it before.
We heard someone clear their throat and both Niall and me looked towards my door to find Maria and Matt standing there, holding hands. Ade looked more broken than all the times I had seen her before.
I sat on the bed, opening my arms as she ran to me, hugging me tightly, clinging to me desperately.
“Shhh!” I tried to calm her down, caressing her hair “Shh! It’s going to be okay!”
Her loud sobs filled the room, evoking my tears to freely fall too. I looked at Niall and then at Matt, silently asking for help.
“We’ll go make you guys something to eat!” Niall said, getting off the bed and walking with Matt downstairs.
When the both of them got back. I had managed to calm down Maria, and put her to sleep. Niall and Matt carried two plates of scrambled eggs each, that were rested on top of my nigh stand when Matt noticed Maria asleep.
“I’ll take her to her room!” Niall said, carefully wrapping his strong arms around her small frame and walking to Maria’s room.
“Matt!” I called with my fragile voice. He turned to face me “Thanks for taking care of her!” He nodded giving me the small trace of a smile
“Any time!” He said, walking to Maria’s room behind Niall.
I laid back in bed, ignoring the nausea that the smell of food gave me. My stomach twisted and begged for food, but I had no intention of giving it what it wanted. I was in no mood to eat, so I just lay back, facing the ceiling and thinking.
I couldn’t bring myself to cry, not anymore. Any small traces of water left for my tears were gone. All I could do was stay there, hurting, broken… empty.
I am aware that life goes on, but when you lose a loved one, it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like… time stops. I’m starting to agree with Einstein’s theory that time moves in different speeds. When you’re happy and having fun, it seems like time moves as quickly as it can, but when you’re sad, depressed, broken and empty… Time Stops!
I came to the realization that I didn’t know the time, but from the sun that came from the window, I would say between ten and eleven AM. But I didn’t care! Actually, I would treat candy and a surgery the exact same way. Nostalgically!
“Babe, I know you probably don’t want to, but you need to eat!” I heard Niall’s voice from the side of the bed
I didn’t even noticed he snuck inside the bedroom again. I decided to ignore his request and just turn my back at him and the plate of eggs he was holding.
“You need to eat princess!” He insisted.
My hands were already in fists by my sides, annoyed at his persistence. I was trying to space out, but even that was hard to manage when I didn’t even want to think.
“Baby, I know it’s hard but…”
“You don’t know!” I yelled, finally having enough “You don’t know! How could you when your brother is hanging around, happy with his life, married to a beautiful woman and being a father to a wonderful baby! She’s never going to get that! Never! And it’s so unfair, so freaking unfair!” I yelled, arranging to concentrate all my strength to sit on the bed.
I was aware my outburst scared him. My words probably hurt him. And I also knew my eyes must have been cold ice. But Niall didn’t react to any of that. He just nodded, and sat on bed.
“Baby, I’m sorry!” I sighed “I know loosing James was like losing a brother and… I just… I don’t know what to do!” I yelped, desperately taking my hands to my face
“If it makes you feel better you can scream at me!” He offered “I don’t mind!” He said with a small sad smile
“Don’t worry Ni! I’m not going to scream at you!” I said, pulling my knees up to my chest “Sorry I was an idiot!”
“You get to be an idiot! In times like this!” He said understandingly
“Hugs?” I asked, sliding inside the bed again to get comfier
Niall smiled and snuck inside, surrounding my body and pulling me against him, my back against his chest, his fingers intertwined and resting on my belly. I sighed, leaning back, now allowing myself to feel comfy and just the tinniest bit relaxed. At least he was there. And I could still have a future if he was.
**
It was a rainy day, something normal around here but it seemed even darker to me. As I pulled my jacket closer to me, two arms surrounded my fragile frame, struggling to keep me standing. I hadn’t eaten in three days, I didn’t plan on doing it any time soon and the mere thought of food gave me stomachaches.
I turned my head slightly to see who it was, still grasping at the half-living flower in my hand.
Louis had his arms wrapped around me carefully, offering me a sad smile when I first noticed his presence. I was thankful all of them showed up to this. I could use as many friends as I had, and Danny hadn’t arrived yet.
Niall went to buy some water since it’s all I have been consuming the last days, and left me with my sisters. Poor things were as fragile and broken as I was, so when I tried to get up and find m way to my dad’s arms, I tripped in my own feet and almost fell if Louis hadn’t caught me.
“Thanks!” I whisper, clearing my throat so I could speak again, this time louder
“You welcome love!” He said, making sure I was securely standing with no odds of falling down again.
“Hey Johanna!” I offered Eleanor a sad smile and a weak wave, seeing her approach us accompanied by my boyfriend.
“How are you feeling?” Niall asked me, grabbing my hand “You shouldn’t have brought those heels!” He mumbled “You hate heels!”
“My feet hurt!” ‘And today is all about pain’ I silently added
“Come here angel!” Niall said, picking me up bridal style and walking with me back to the car, while I was only worried about the flower.
He had packed a pair of shoes without my knowing, knowing already how I was when it came to heels.
He had been ‘living’ at our place in the last three days as my dad strongly suggested. My mom didn’t even get the chance to protest as my dad’s strong voice left nothing but his request swirling in our minds.
Niall took the offer immediately, but I felt awful that we didn’t get to leave the room more than two times. I felt like maybe he was feeling caged. I didn’t want that. He carefully picked me up again, locking the car and walking inside the graveyard again.
I felt bile crawl up my throat again when I noticed they were about to start the ceremony. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to remember my sister like this, laying in a wooden casket, perfectly still like the porcelain doll she owned. She never stood quiet for too long. She was energetic, happy and naturally fun. She was amazing. That’s how I want to remember, not like this.
I started to squirm in Niall’s embrace, not capable of expressing my feeling and my reasons to why I wanted to flee that place as quickly as I could.
“What’s wrong baby?” He asked
“I don’t…. I don’t wanna… No, don’t make me!” I panicked, crying desperately as I squirmed even more in his arms.
“Shh! Shhh! Listen baby!” Niall said, sitting me in a bench and cupping my face so I was listening to him attentively “This isn’t a goodbye! It’s just a ‘see you soon’!” He whispered, pulling me into his chest “She’ll always be here!” He touched my chest “And here!” He touched his own “Do you really not want to say a ‘see you soon’ to her? Cause if you don’t everyone will understand!” He said, removing a strand of lost hair that slipped in front of my face
“No!” I whispered “No!” I said a little bit more strongly “She wouldn’t want me to miss it! She would want me to be strong!”
“Exactly!” Niall said, standing up and extending a hand for me to grab.
I did, suddenly renovated from the little talk we had. I only had to pretend to be strong for one hour. I can do that. One hour! We walked towards the crowd of people, settling by Danny’s side. She grabbed one of my hands as Niall’s rested on my shoulders, just in case I was a complete failure and fainted in the middle of a funeral.
Ironic that the first funeral I attend is of family.
I stood there, frozen like ice while the priest spoke. I didn’t pay attention to a single thing, and when we were supposed to pray, I didn’t. I just kept my gaze on my sister and how still she looked, how lifeless she looked. I tried to contain the spasms of my upper lip as I did, but I wasn’t very successful at that.
“Baby! Go say something!” Niall whispered as I noticed everyone was looking at me, waiting for me to follow the steps of my weeping family.
The pink Lillie I had in my hand for about an hour and a half was half-living, as I mentioned before, but it still preserved it’s beauty as the petals of a darker color on the inside kept their vividness. These were her favorite flowers, delicate, colorful capable of giving you the most amazing feelings in the world.
I approached the casket, leaning to put the Lillie right on top of the now closed lid.
“Hey siss!” I said, smiling weakly “This is a ‘see you soon’ okay?” I tried to contain the water that insisted on forming in the corner of my eyes “I’ll see you again someday!” I affirmed convinced of the trueness of my words “I love you!” My voice raised an octave when I said those words.
I was no longer able to control my emotions as I walked hurriedly back to where Niall was standing, his arms now open wide for me. I let myself feel a little bit comfortable as I buried my head in his chest, crying silently as I heard the dirt falling on top of the forever closed casket.

Notes

Oh My Freaking God!
I am so deeply sorry for this waiting as much as you guys are!
I cab't express how sorry I really am! I was just so worried my teachers were going to fail me that I completely forgot all abut writing.
But, my grades came out today, and the're even higher than I thoguht they would be. Turns out I was worrying for nothing!




I want to tell you that this fnfiction will probably have another chapter, and epilogue and maybe, if you guys think I should, I could do a second part! But for now, just tell me how much of an awful person I am for making you wait and how much you hate me! I can take it!
Again sorry!

But, I'll probably update in the next two or three days to compensate, and then off to epilogue...

Well, enjoy the chapter that should be posted a long... long... long time ago :))