The door opened as I laid in my back, looking at the ceiling. I was feeling calm, relaxed, somehow, satisfied too. I find joy in seeing his satisfaction! Why? Maybe because I know I did a good job and liked doing it, maybe because I liked watching the pleasure on his face when I did it, how vulnerable he was… in my hands. Damn, I liked it! I liked having some type of control over him. He was the one in charge normally.
I turned my head to the right side and saw him walking out of the bathroom, completely dressed already. He threw himself in the bed, making me bounce a bit, and then hugged me tightly by the waist, a leg over my tight and his arms around my arms. I was stuck.
I giggled, trying to turn around. He gave me some space and when I was completely turned to him, I kissed his nose. He was so precious and he had no idea that he was. He smiled hugely and hugged me even closer, closing his eyes and putting his forehead in my chest. He sighed heavily and I started playing with his hairs.
“So precious!” I heard myself whisper.
I could feel him smiling, even if I couldn’t see him. He needed to know that he really was precious. I have no idea why he keeps treating himself like that, saying he’s nothing, he doesn’t deserve anything, he doesn’t have any type of value. How could he think that when I am here and I love him with all my heart? Isn’t that enough?
I sighed in frustration, pulling him more to me. He supported his chin in my chest and looked at me, deeply into my eyes. I did the same. He’s so pretty, so precious so valuable. He doesn’t need to feel he is valued, he only needs to know he has people who love him and that, that is giving him value.
“Do you like this me?” He asked and I frowned.
“Of course I like this you!” I said “Why?”
“Do you love this me?” Where is he going with this? I sighed
“I love you for all that you are!” I paused “For all you have been and all you’ll ever be! I just… love you!” I could swear I saw him blushing for a second there
“I have to show you something!” He said, getting up
He grabbed his computer and I got myself under the covers, suddenly feeling cold. He leaned against the bed, kissed my forehead with a click and got under the covers with me, holding his computer. He pulled his legs up, supporting his feet on the mattress and turned it on. I leaned against him, resting my head in his shoulder, hugging the covers even more.
I was kind of scared of what he could show me. I mean, Niall has a past. I know that. He carries a lot of baggage, some I still haven’t found out yet. But I want to. I need to, I don’t actually feel like I’m going to be capable of living with a secret between us. He got into Google and typed his name on it, a year next. I frowned when he clicked the images and then he turned to face me.
“So, hum… This could be me!” He passed me the computer “But I’m not!” He said
I looked at the screen and almost gasped. Niall had no tattoos, Niall had crooked teeth, Niall was skinny, Niall was actually very cute when he was younger. I smiled widely when I saw his pictures. He had blond hairs back then too, but they were almost white. He was so cute when younger. He should win and award for cutesy of the year. Damn. He was so different. Paler than he was now. His skin was clean, no tattoos, he should be sixteen in this pictures. I couldn’t help but put my hands in my cheeks, smiling so widely even the wrinkles by my eyes were seeable. When I turned to face him, Niall had his elbows on top of his knees, head supporting on the hands, eyes completely closed. He looked like he was suffering.
“Niall!” I said, putting the computer on the side and turning my body completely to him “What’s wrong?” I said, genteelly making him look up at me.
“You saw them! You can say what you’re thinking! I heard it many times already, another one isn’t going to hurt!” He said, eyes completely transmitting pain
“What? You heard that you were cute?” I frowned “That hurts?” I asked, not understanding what was going on
“Y-You think I was cute?” He asked
“The cutest!” I smiled widely and sweetly when I saw Niall smiling “Now tell me, why don’t you like who you were before?” I asked “Was that why you have tattoos now?” He shook his head negatively.
“I was considered the ugliest you know?” He paused, sighting and continuing next “I was hated on and all of that because I was ugly!” Niall said. It hurt me to hear him talk like that.
“You weren’t ugly!” I said, harshly. Niall grabbed the computer
“You don’t call this ugly?” He asked “Look at my teeth Johanna, look at my face, my hair, my fucking belly! I was fat and I was ugly!” He almost growled, looking at the screen. I closed the computer angrily.
“Shut up!” I said, annoyed “The only thing ugly in these pictures are the floor you’re walking in!” I said in the same tone as him.
“Are you blind?” He asked, angry “Can’t you see ugliness when it’s in front of you?”
“I can!” I said
“Then you’re blind!” He yelled
“I’m not blind!”I yelled
“You have to be in some type of transe then!” He harshly said
I am!” I spoke, angry too “And I’m like that because I love you!” I growled, taking a deep breath after understanding what I had just said
Niall’s expressions, before hard and impassive, painful and tough, quickly softened hearing me saying that. I took a deep breath and moved my eyes towards the ground, embarrassed. I never said it like that, in the heat of the moment when we were fighting. I think that because I didn’t think about it, because I just felt it, it means that she really loves him, truthfully. No lies, no games… just love.
“I just don’t get why you have the need to feel like that, to be like that!” I whispered
“I’m sorry!” He said, but I didn’t stop facing the ground
“Sorry isn’t going to cut the deal Niall, I want and explanation!” I said, in a sweet tone “I’m so sick of putting your secrets behind and keep moving on like nothings there when I know it is!” I blurted out “I can feel something is between us!” I looked up to his eyes “I just want to know why! Why did you change?”
“Because I got tired of playing the good guy okay? The naïve, the angel, the baby of the group! You know what that made me? Weak! That’s what you make me! You make me weak!” He said, his expressions hard again “And I don’t fucking want to be weak! I want to be strong and have a completely impenetrable force field, but you…” He looked deeply into my eyes “You’re the only thing that can come into the force field and open a whole so big the U.S.A. army would break in and kill me!” I shivered “You’re like the cure for cancer! Almost like a drug that can make me go numb and suddenly I was in love! I don’t wanna be fucking in love!” He yelled the last phrase and I took a step back, hurt. How can he…?
“Then don’t!” I said, tears in my eyes already “You don’t want to be in love?”I blinked, making two small tears run down my face. When I opened my eyes again, Niall lips were pressed against each other, his face drained out of blood “Then forget about my existence. Forget I exist, forget everything I gave up, all the things I changed in myself and in my life just to be with you! Get over that and we’re through! We’re over if that’s what you want!” I was about to turn around when he grabbed my arm, pulling me to him
“Haven’t you heard me?” He said, cleaning my tears with his thumbs “You’re my cure for cancer woman! You’re the three wishes the genie gave Aladdin! To me, you’re just a wish! A wish I make with all my heart and I want to keep forever by my side because I know, I know you won’t take my crap for too long! I know I’m shitty, and I know I’m rude and I mistreat you sometimes, and you don’t deserve it and you’ll get tired of me and we’ll break up and…” I cut him off, by kissing him.
His hands surrounded my waist and he sat on bed, me between his legs, starring down at him. I managed to make him look submissive again without touching him down there. When I pulled back, I saw he had a small gap between his lips, his hands were firmly holding to my thighs since he was now smaller than me and his eyes sparkling, expectant. I smiled widely, looking to the right side to diverge my eyes from him. When I looked back at him, the smile still played in my lips, but I pulled him closer this time, joining out foreheads, leaning down .
“Think about all of the times that you mistreated me!” I said and he looked to a corner of the room, avoiding my eye contact, thinking. Then he looked me in the eye and nodded once “Now, think about all the times you treated me like a princess when I’m not even close to that!” He smiled, looking at his feet and playing with them over the wood “See?” I smiled too “Keep the number of times you were a prince to me higher than the number of times you were a jerk and I’ll always be here for you!”
“Promise you’ll never leave me!” He asked, looking t the ground.
I took both of my hands to his head and made him look up at me. I smiled sincerely and kissed his lips quickly.
“I promise!” I whispered and he smiled widely, pulling me onto the bed. I giggled when he started kissing my neck.
He laughed against my skin and pulled the covers up, sliding me under them. He did the same after and got in with me, hugging my waist, me turning to him. He closed his eyes and tried to rest, but I bet he could feel me looking at him.
“Close your eyes and sleep a bit Johanna, I’ll wake you up when it’s time for dinner!” Niall said and I giggled.
I rubbed my nose against his slowly, playing. He smiled vaguely, his eyes still closed and I decided to do the same. With our head in the same pillow, our bodies completely smashed against each together and the warmth emanating from him reaching me, I trailed off in a deep sleep.
**
“Wake up sleeping beauty!” I heard someone calling, and then, that someone kissed my lips.
Slowly, I opened my eyes to see the most perfect face ever. He was starring down at me and smile was playing on his lips. I groaned and grabbed his shirt, pulling him to bed. He was laid in his back, completely oblivious of what I wanted to do. I rested my head in his chest, hearing his heart beat. I smiled, showing appreciation for hearing the most calming sound ever, and truth is, it was accelerated. I closed my eyes, trying to sleep more, and that was beginning to be possible as soon as Niall started caressing my hairs.
His big fingers played with my curls as I felt my breathing go even slower. I was about to sleep again.
“We really have to go or dinner will be cold!” He said and I kissed his chest in order to make him shut up.
I know he always shivers when someone kisses his chest, and then he bites his lip to keep a moan from coming out. I smiled when I felt his hands stop caressing my hair when I did that, he was clearly biting his lip. I smiled victoriously and he laughed. I heard it, coming from inside of him, and the sound was beautiful.
“It’s pizza!” I immediately lifted my head and looked at him. He laughed “Let’s go or it’ll be cold!” I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the door, but his hands caught me first “A kiss first?” He asked in my ear and I smiled
I turned around and kissed his lips, then I grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room and into the kitchen. Two boxes of pizza, one on top of each other. I opened the first and saw that one piece was missing. I frowned and saw an arrow, pointing to the top of the box. I read the words ‘Niall Horan was here’ and laughed.
“Eat, or it’s going to get cold!” He said, sitting across me in the kitchen island and taking one of the boxes with him.
I grabbed the other one and saw a perfectly intact pizza. I took a slice and started to eat. As I looked to Niall, I thought about how hard it would be for me t let him go… again. I did it once and turns out he didn’t got home completely safe. I’m scared of plains now. I had a bad experience with plains, and a busy two hours worrying about him, being completely paralyzed and into an almost coma state where I could see things around me but I could hear anything or react for that matter. Believe it or not, it scared the hell out of me and I still don’t know if I could ever get over the fact that he clearly needs to fly a lot to get to places to keep his career moving on. But secretly I didn’t want him to get in that plane.
The first and most obvious reason is because I was going to miss him… But it was something deeper that that. I knew it, it was fear. Fear of losing the only great thing I have had for years, fear of never seeing him again, fear of never get to kiss his lips again.
When I noticed, small tear drops were falling in the kitchen’s island as I silently cried. I hopped it would slip unnoticed to him, but I knew my boyfriend wasn’t the spaced out guy he normally was when it came to me. I wanted him to not mention it, because I was feeling childish. Sometimes I think he’ll ditch me because of how needy I seem sometimes. I always want to touch him, to kiss him to feel him… And here comes the idea of how I don’t fit in this world.
How can I, a normal girl who grew up trying to make her sisters get as well raised as she was, fit in a punk stars’ world? I knew it wasn’t going to take long before the rumors started and pictures were all over the internet. I didn’t need to be a genius to figure out what flash was that in the golf court. Flashes from cameras, cameras that belonged to paparazzi. But I wasn’t doing anything, maybe I was just holding his hand and nobody would notice… Maybe they thought we were just friends… But I didn’t want them to. I wanted everybody to know he was mine and I was his, I wanted to tell the world openly that I found the love of my life and life would suck without him.
“Are you okay?” His voice was slurred.
I casually slipped one hand across the kitchen island to clean the traces of the tears on my eyes. Again, I was feeling childish for crying like that for a reason that most people would find minor. I mean, everybody knows planes are the safest way to travel. I drive my car almost every day and I don’t worry about crashing it against a tree or something. But Niall… Niall will always be the person who I worry, no matter how childish and dumb those insecurities are.
“Hey!” He pulled my other arm, in order to not make me fall.
His voice was calm, what I took as a sign of wariness too. He can be very… what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yes, moody. He can be a weirdo sometimes and I like it in him. I looked up, smiling while cleaning my tears. I didn’t want him to worry about me or my insecurities.
“It’s nothing!” I let out one of those fake laughs my mom made me wear the past week.
“C’mon baby, don’t lie to me!” He asked, his thumb resting over my cheek.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed his scent. His natural one. So sweet yet so masculine. I really can’t understand him, or how he works. I actually gave up on that a few days after I got to know him. Funny thing is, I never give up on understanding people, but some voice in the back of my head told me that I needed to stop and try to understand him, just live the moment and let myself go. And I did, and look at where it took me. Here, with him.
“I’m just silly!” I laughed nervously
“You’re not silly!” He said and I opened my eyes to look at him “You have every right to e afraid!” How can he read me so well? “I’m afraid too!” He whispered like it was a secret. And maybe it was…
He can read me so well sometimes. I still don’t know how he can figure out what I’m feeling. Yeah, I know my eyes give most of my feeling away but I didn’t expect him to know me this well.
“I’m just childish, I didn’t mean to upset you!” I said, looking down at my hands, playing with them nervously.
“All your worries are mine too!” He said, moving his thumb in my cheek “Rather you like it or not!”
“I don’t like it!” I mumbled, sniffing and running my hand under my nose. Niall laughed loudly “How can you laugh when you’re worried?” I asked, not accusingly or mad, just curious.
His laugh was always something beautiful to see live, and I now understand that I couldn’t get enough of it any time soon. I just don’t understand how he can laugh when there’s sadness in the air, or wariness. I was so curious of how much he can fake a smile when I know that a few weeks ago he was just broken. Why I have no idea, but he was broken.
“It just… It just comes naturally!” He smiled widely
“Are you saying that you normally laugh and smile just because?” I asked
He pressed his lips against each other and I saw the natural spark in his eyes, that was always there when he was with me, vanish. I swallowed, noticing the complete change of expression in his face. I extended one hand to touch his and a bit of the shine in his eyes returned. He looked at our hands. I gently caressed the top of it, trying to make him feel better. His hands were big, huge actually and they were pale and fitted in mine perfectly.
“Not anymore!” He whispered, silently examining our hands and hoe I caressed his.
My breathing stopped and I closed my eyes, feeling my ribs expanding inside of me. I can’t act like this every time he say’s something cute, can I?
“I feel like you brought true joy to my life!” He said and I smiled shyly “My laughs aren’t fake anymore, my laughs are true since you’re here with me, in my dreams, in my mind, in my life… I don’t feel like I need to fake anymore!” I smiled
“You don’t need to fake anymore!” I whispered. Climbing up the island and sitting in his lap.
I was desperately wanting to touch him, to feel his skin. I curled in his lap, letting my head rest in his chest. At first he was shocked, but then one of his hands rested in my nape and the other one played in my back, drawing imaginary paths in them.
“Stay calm love, everything is gonna be alright and I’m gonna come back to you one piece!” He said with a confident smile in his lips.
“How can you be so sure?” He asked
“Because, tonight, I’m gonna pray!”
Not a single word was pronounced between us after that. I couldn’t believe he actually… prayed. I mean, I wouldn’t imagine it. I was aware that Irishmen are very strong minded about their religion, but I had no idea if Niall belonged to the Protestant side or the Christian side.Either way, I couldn’t care less about it.
I just wrapped my arms around his neck and joined our lips. I’m proud of him. Regardless of the religion he was born in, I was proud because he had faith…
“I’m proud of you!” I said against his chest
“For what?” He asked, taking my hands from his neck to connect them.
“For having faith!” I think he got what I was trying to say.
We are a walking disaster! When we’re okay, we transmit peace, happiness and joy to everybody around us, but when we’re mad at each other? God help us, because we’re a freaking tornado. We can drag everybody to the pit with us. Remember M, and my dad? How they slept with me when I was sad? They were silently and complain free, dragged to the bottom with me. I guess that’s what people who love you do.
“I got faith in everything if you’re with me!” He said, resting his chin on top of my head.
I smiled widely and curled in his lap again. He kissed the top of my head and grabbed me, walking up the stairs. My hands were around his neck for support as he walked upstairs. I let him lay me down slowly in the mattress, getting on top of me next. I smiled at him, and slowly, so pleasure-fully slowly, he kissed my lips.
His hands roamed to my shirt and he pulled off of me, leaving me in only bra. I kissed his lips again and slowly, he pulled my pants off of me and I was half naked. He kissed my neck, going up till he got behind my ear. I couldn’t control the shivers my body emitted, his control over me was just too powerful.
When he turned me around so I was side laid in the bed, I gasped. He pulled his shirt and pants off quickly and laid next to me. His arms smoothly went down mine, till his hands reached mine. His chest was against my back. He wrapped his legs around mine and kissed the back of my head.
“Better sleep princess, I’ll pray for both of us!” I milled widely before I leaned down and kissed his bicep.
“Goodnight Niall!”
“Goodnight Johanna!”
**
It was nine fifty five and we were in the airport already, in front of the door he had to get in to get to the plane. Niall had to go in quickly, but we just stayed there, hugging each other tightly. I was making a huge effort not to let he tears fall down my face. I had such a great morning and end of afternoon with him. The fundraiser took all of my time for the day, but we managed for me to come with him. Danny was waiting outside in my car so we could leave after he was gone. He kissed my neck and I sobbed unintentionally.
“C’mon!” He said softly pulling away only enough space so he could see my face “We’ll be alright! I’ll come back in three weeks tops and I’ll be waiting for you to come and get me!” I smiled, pecking his lips.
He had a pair of dark sunglasses and a baseball cap in his head to hide his identity, in my opinion it was worthless.
“I’ll miss you!” I said in a whisper, letting the tears fall down my cheeks.
“I’ll miss you too!” He said, hugging me once more
“You’ll get late!” I said, pulling away from him and cleaning my tears, sniffing
“I’ll go in just a minute!” He said, pulling me in to another hug. I sighed, knowing this would be my last hug with him in the next three weeks so I made it tight.
“Is breá liom tú” I said and he pulled back to look in my eyes
“I love you too!” He said, pulling me in for another kiss, his tong slipping into my mouth. Our tongues played with each other freely. I wanted him to stay but I had to give him a slight push behind.
“You have to go now!” I said, looking at the door.
“I do!” He said, sadly
“Think about Theo!” I said and he smiled weakly
“I’ll send you a picture of both of us okay?”He asked and I nodded
“Now go!” I said, giggling and pushing him to the door.
He grabbed his bags and off he went, looking back before he got in the door. I waved and smiled until the door closed. After that, my smile vanished

Notes

Hay guys! I hope you like the chapter :))