I tried to keep my eyes closed, enjoying the tightening in my waist, the warmth that came from his body, but my position became uncomfortable and I had to move. My eyes were kept closed, regardless that the holding on my hip was cold. Ice cold. Niall should be freezing to be this cold, but the tightening in my hip was steady, hard and almost hurt my bony hips.
I blinked repeatedly, getting my eyes used to the light that flooded Niall’s living room. It was still raining outside and the only things that brought light to Niall’s living room were the streetlights and some occasional car lights too. The rain drops left a trail in Niall’s window. The last drops that were visible to me were glowed when an occasional stronger light entered the room, the sparkled and I love that. Rain drops can look like stars. If they have the perfect amount of light on them, they shine bright like a star. I love that kind of diversity. The sound of the rain hitting the window gently was used to calm me down too. I always loved that sound. It’s simple and calming and I love to study when I can hear them falling outside against the window of my room.
I let out a sigh, an amused sigh followed with a small smile when I turned to look at him. He was, without a doubt in my mind the person I need the most right now. Niall helps me when I need. I think there is a bad thing in being the strong one, the person who takes in everything, who makes problems go away, who solve everything, a person like me… There’s a bad thing about it, and that is the fact that people tend to forget you do have feelings. They forget because you act strong all the time, support everything… It’s not even their fault. It’s yours for thinking that you have to at like that. No, it’s not your job! I just like how Niall values my feelings instead of being just another one of them who expects me to be strong. I like how he calms me down, how he understands what I am feeling, how caring of me he is. Niall really is the person I need the most because he is making me feel stuff I never did before and I need them to be explained to me… He can do that… He can calm me down, he can do everything when he’s with me!
My face was preparing to light up when the glare of him by the morning appeared, but instead, my body got stiff. It wasn’t Niall who was holding me. It was Jasper! I tried to move his hand away from me, but it just wouldn’t move, it just stayed like that no matter how hard I pushed it away. He gave me a devilish smile that made me tremble till my hairs. Fear filled my body till the point of overflowing. My body was completely stiff under his holding, and I looked at him, narrowing my eyes, suddenly filled with unexpected courage.
“Let me go!” I growled at him only to be rewarded with a devilish smile
“What makes you think I will?” He asked, his free hand roaming to my thigh. I went even stiffer as I felt his hand lifting my shirt. Niall’s shirt. Fear, a lot of fear! Where is he? Where is the person I love right now? And why the hell is Jasper in his house? I crossed my legs and he took his rough hand from my smooth thigh.
His hands weren’t nearly as good as Niall’s. Niall’s hands were rough too, but they were gentle, caring, Jasper’s were harsh and hurt my skin. I hated them, and I hated them even more because of his holding on my waist right now.
“Take your hand off of me! And where’s Niall?” I growled again “Where is he?” I demanded.
Where is Niall? What has this asshole done to the man I love?! When he gave me a devilish smile again, moved by my anger, I slapped him as hard as I could. His face leaned to his right but he kept a smile on his lips. He took his free hand to his lip, running them over his swollen lips thanks to my palm hitting the side of his lips. He let out a small laugh and turned to me again.
“He’s upstairs, in his bedroom! He’s waiting for you!” He sang the last phrase.
I ripped away his hand from my hip and ran like a lunatic till I got upstairs, to Niall’s bedroom. I wanted to know why he left me in the living room, why Jasper was inside his house, why he let me sleep next to him, why he was in his room! I wanted to know why he was sharing me… with him…
I barged in his bedroom, looking around, searching for him. Niall was sleeping in his bed, his stomach pressed against the mattress and his palms pressed in the pillow he had his head resting in. I crossed my arms in front of my body and patted my feet in the ground repeatedly.
“Wake up Niall!” I yelled, wanting him to get up or at least move. He didn’t. I took a step closer to the bed “WAKE UP NIALL!” I yelled in a higher tone but he still didn’t move. I surrounded his bed to get closer to him and shake him in his place “If you’re trying to igno…” I stopped talking when a red liquid was seeable, spread in the white sheets of his bed. Fear “NIALL?!” I yelled, shaking him “MOVE! SPEAK! PLEASE!” I yelled, my voice was scratchy now, raspy in a very high and pleading tone and my cheeks were already stained with tear drops “NIALL!” I turned him around only to find a bullet hole in his forehead
My heart dropped. I hate this feeling, it’s like all the butterflies died… Heart breaking. I can almost hear the pieces falling in the ground. My body felt empty, I felt like a shell of a person, like half of me disappeared. My brain I hurting and so is my skull, my lung are working and I am breathing, but it hurts every time I do so, my heart is broken, my eyes are holding on the tears and they are burning, my mouth is holding to sobs and my limbs feel like dry twigs. Suddenly, I just done the thing I was holding on to… I yelled
“NIALL!”
My body jumped. I sat on the couch, my eyes wide open, my heart pounding against my lungs, making it hard to breath. I noticed my cheeks were wet, I was crying from the nightmare. I heard my own yelling echo through the house. I had yelled in the real world.
We were in the living room, it was still raining but it wasn’t dark yet, giving me the certainty that it was a nightmare and not the real world. I was a wreck. I was crying, sobbing and my mind was racing… I really was a wreck.
“Johanna!” Niall sat too “What’s wrong?” He asked, worried and I sobbed repeatedly, too horrified to even answer his question. His hands held my head and pulled me to his lap where I curled myself.
Niall kept caressing my hair and moving back and forth like I was a baby, trying to calm me down.
“Shh!” He whispered “I’m here!”
How can two words make someone feel so safe and good again? After a nightmare where he died, I couldn’t be better knowing he was breathing and, for his own good, was lacking a small round bullet entry in the middle of his forehead.
“I had a nightmare!” I whispered, still sobbing
“I know, I know!” He said, dragging the words and kissing the top of my head
I hugged him tight, my legs wrapped around him. His body was resting back in the couch, one of his hands caressing my hairs and the other one making circles in my hips. I let my head rest in his shoulder, trying to relax. When I eventually did so, I whispered in his ear, the reason I had yelled
“You died!” I said, squeezing my tightening around him “In my dream!”
“I’m here! I’m alive!” He whispered back, but I could feel his body tensed up.
I pulled back and looked deeply into his eyes. The ice blue and the sparkle that came from there immediately relaxed my entire body, relieving a big part of the stress I had inside myself. I done the same to him. His tensed up body was now completely relaxed. I was liking my effect over him. The idea of relaxing someone only with a look into their eyes feels amazing and I never want it to stop. Never, ever!
“You want to talk about it?” He asked and I shook my head negatively “You’re still nervous!” He closely observed my shoulders “I have the perfect remedy for that!” He got up, sitting me in the couch before he left upstairs.
I laid back in the couch, looking outside. The rain drops left marks in the window, just like in my nightmare. That thought made me uncomfortable so I turned my head to the ceiling. I never felt that way. The way I felt in my dream, I never felt before. I was horrified, heartbroken and extremely sad. It was like the butterflies in my stomach died from a heart attack and lack of breathing from my part, it was awful.
“Here it is!” I heard Niall calling from door of the living room. I raised my head to look at him and saw him holding one book. My heart immediately swell and the stress left my body “To kill a mockingbird, by Harper Lee!” He gave me the book and sat next to me.
“Ah yes!” I said, a huge smile crossing my face “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until…” He cut me off
“…you climb into his skin and walk around in it!” Niall completed and I smiled widely
“You read this book?” I shook the book in the air and he nodded “How many books have you read?”
“Just that one… Oh and the first page of Fifty Shades of Grey!” He said
“E.L James husband is called Niall too!” I said, covering my mouth next
“How would you know?” He asked, a smirk in his lips
“I-I…” I gasped “I read the book!”
“You read an erotica book?” He asked and I blushed
“HEY!” I patted his arm “I didn’t actually read it!” I stated, lookingdown “I heard Danny reading it out loud and… Hum… It was like reading it because she only read it when I was with her!”
“The pure girl read an erotica book!” He laughed at himself with that observation “Who do you think will play the part better?” I frowned
“Hu?” I leaned my head to the right not understanding
“They’re making a movie!” Niall said, rolling his eyes playfully “They chose Christian Hunnam to play the part, but the book fans are going with Mat Bomer!” I frowned
“I think Mat would do the trick!” I smiled vaguely “Everything for the fans right?” I looked at Niall but he had spaced out, thinking about something. I shook his arm a bit for him to wake up
“Hu?” He turned to me “Oh sorry! I was just thinking!”
“About?” I asked
“You’re into sadomasochism?!” I widened my eyes, not knowing what to answer.
“I… I…” I shook my head “How do you want me to know that?!” I asked and Niall trailed off in a circle of laughing like crazy.
I narrowed my eyes to him and he stopped laughing and swallowed. I narrowed my eyes on him even more and he smiled. He opened his arms to hug me and, reluctantly (not), let myself trail off in his arms.
It’s amazing how he can make me forget bad things. The nightmare is just a distant memory in a far away city. I just forgot. I had no idea how he can do it, but I know I love it!
Niall hugged me tight by my waist and laid down with me again, this time I was turned to him. He smiled like a small child, closing his eyes and giving me a closed, huge smile that I loved. I leaned in and kissed him, my hand in the back of his neck. Niall left his smile behind and dedicated to the kiss, holding my hips. He turned us around, making my back hit the sofa maybe too hard.
I groaned against Niall’s mouth, but put all the pain in the kiss, turning it maybe too animalistic. Niall’s hands slipped under my shirt. I could feel his hands in my belly, but I didn’t care. I was too into this to stop. I thought Niall was pulling out my shirt, but he didn’t, he just rubbed my stomach, right on the place where the rubber band of his boxers were. I’m glad he didn’t took my shirt off because I have no bra on.
My hands were in his neck, one slowly moving down his stomach area till I got to the bump we use to call bum. I widened my eyes when I felt my hands there. Niall wasn’t flat, on the contraire, he had a good arse. I couldn’t resist the instinct of squeezing it. The second I did, Niall opened his eyes and widened them, probably not expecting me doing so. I unconsciously bit my lip, my hands resting in his bum. I stopped squeezing when he widened his eyes.
Niall raised one eyebrow and gave me a small smile, disconnecting our lips. I smiled shyly still biting my lip. Niall raised one hand to pull my chin.
“I want to do that!” He whispered and kissed me biting my lips hard
Everything from my waist down tightened and I have no idea why. I never felt like this before and that made me pull away. I moved myself under him, walking towards the middle of the living room, leaving Niall alone in the sofa.
“What do you even think about in these times?” I asked him and he looked towards his pants, where a... hum… bump was seeable. I swallowed.
I didn’t knew I could do that to Niall is so short notice. I actually feel weird that I do it to anyone because I can’t make anything to help him gets me feeling like a complete idiot. I siged, hugging myself.
“I’m sorry!” I whispered
“Don’t do that!” Niall said, almost angry
“Do what?” I turned around
“Blame yourself for everything that happens! Look, I was the one that didn’t hold himself. Just stop okay?” He got up and walked in my direction “I don’t like what this can do to you!” He caressed my cheek with the back of his hand and I looked up to him “Let me take you home!” He let my body completely in the cold.
Oh no! I did something wrong! Sure I did, I can’t satisfy his needs that’s what I did. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to go to my place, but I don’t have the courage to tell him. I looked down while Niall grabbed his clothes and walked till his room to put my own clothes on. They were perfectly folded over the bed, just like I had displayed them before. I sighed, getting in my clothes next. I let my hairs flow to cover up my neck. They were a bit better suddenly, the curls tend to get mashed up together but they suddenly are fine. I shook my head, feeling the hairs hit my back. I walked downstairs, putting my scarf around my neck, feeling the sudden but less warmth than it was a few minutes ago hit my body.
I don’t feel welcome here now. Niall sounded annoyed with me somehow and I can’t stop regretting it repeatedly. I sighed when I saw him by the door, shaking his keys to hear the noise. He didn’t notice my presence, only when I was five steps away from him. He gave me a nod and opened the door. I pulled my clothes more to me, warming me up more and more. It was cold outside, and was still raining, a bit calmer now.
I ran to his car, not waiting for Niall, but I knew he was running behind me. We got into the car and he drove to my house. The trip was silent, only making my heart get even more weight. Not talking, this space between us, it kills me. It kills me that he doesn’t talk to me about the things in his past. I can tell that there’s something in his past that broke him but I don’t know what it is, because he doesn’t open up with me. I snorted when he pulled over to my house, opening the door of the car, ready to get out. Niall held my arm before I could put my feet out of the car. He turned me to him.
“Bye!” He said and I rolled my eyes, truthfully annoyed
“Bye!” I got out of the car, closing the door behind me, maybe louder than the necessary.
I crossed my arms around myself, hugging my body to protect me from the wind. It had stopped raining and now it was just cold and windy. I was really annoyed, because of the way he acted and because he doesn’t trust me to tell me his things. I heard a door slamming behind me.
“Johanna!”He called “Wait!” I turned
“What Niall? What is it now? Is it something you can’t tell me? Because I’m sick of your things! You constantly hide stuff from me and I can handle it! You don’t know how it hurt me, and it hurts a lot! Just leave, please!” I asked. I didn’t spoke in a angry way, I just spoke like I didn’t have any type of strength remaining in my body
“Johanna…” I cut him off
“No! Just leave!” I asked, almost without any strength in me
“But…” He sighed, surrendering to my request.
I turned and walked towards the door, letting a tear run down my face. I got inside my house and cleaned it up, walking towards the kitchen where I knew my mom was cooking.
“Hi!” I said sadly, sitting in the kitchen’s island and she turned, almost in shock that I was speaking.
“H-Hello!” She gasped “Are you talking now?” I nodded “Why do you seem so sad?” She asked, truly caring
“Mother… What’s love?” I asked in a sigh, getting her, obviously speechless
My feelings weren’t shaky. I knew what I felt, but when I think too much I tend to ruin things, but I don’t what to do that. Not with what we have. I need us to be together. I don’t think I can handle another heartbreak any time soon. I know that my stomach tightens when he’s close to me, I know my heart races, pounds against my lungs, making it almost impossible for me to breath, my brain is a complete blank page and my limbs… watery.
“Love…” She sighed, clearly thinking about my dad. My mom always knew I was the dreamful child, but I never asked these questions to her, only to my dad. But I guess he told her “Love is form of amnesia. It’s when a girl forgets that there are 1.2 billion other guys in the plant because she can only think about one! We just hope we made the right decision on choosing him!”
“What’s hope then?” I asked, the answer came from someone who was behind me, my dad
“Hope is, sometimes, all that you have and if you have it, you have everything!” My dad stood by my mom ad wrapped a hand around her, caressing her arm softly. A smile appeared in my face.
“But how do you know you make the right decision? What if there are bad things about the relationship and stuff?” I asked, looking at my hands, pulling the sleeves to cover my hands and frowning to myself.
It occurred to me, this is the most intimate talk I have ever had with them. It’s kind of amazing. I was thinking my mom would fill me with questions, but she didn’t, she just gave me the answers.
“If you have the time to whine about something, then you have the time to do something about it!” My mom said and I felt my hear broke down.
How could I do something? How can I when I feel that I only have his body, not his mind. Who people that love each other should be connected in every way. Look at my parents for example. They speak to each other without even using words. That’s a silence that’s not awkward at all, that’s a silence that’s cute and has a meaning… love! Somehow I can’t feel that coming through in Niall, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, and it kills me.
Sure, I should stop complaining and do something about it… But what? I’m clueless. For a split of a second there I had regret, regret for getting into a relationship with someone who has personal issues and refuses to open up to me. I still can’t understand why he has the need to ask me what I am thinking all the time. I can’t figure out why he can’t be as relaxed with me as he is with his band mates, band mates girlfriends and band mates girlfriends band mates. I don’t know why I can’t see him relaxed like he was in the day I met his band mates in his house. A towel over his shoulder, a bear in his hand, laughing, relaxed. He had done them once or twice while we were together. C’mon, we’re in the begging of a relationship, we were supposed to be like that all the time, so why isn’t he?
I let a frustration sigh get out of my mouth
“Johanna…” My dad called in a sweet tone, making me look up and stop playing with me nails “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass sweetie, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain!” I sighed again and nodded, understanding what they were trying to say. I got up.
“I think I’ll go to my room now!” I said, smiling at them and walking to my room.
I closed the door behind me and grabbed the phone. It started raining again, and was dark outside already. I stood next to my window while my phone beeped, waiting for an answer coming from the other side. I wrapped a hand around my own waist, looking outside. The street light hit my face gently. I knew that the trail of the drops were now being reflected in my white pale face because of the yellow light that came from outside.
“I’m so sorry!” I heard as soon as the beeping ceased “I’m so, so sorry! I know I’m not perfect, I know that I make mistakes and occasionally I might hurt people. But when I say I’m sorry I really mean it Johanna!” I sighed
“I need to apologize too!” I said “I can’t whine about everything! I chose you to be with me, I fell… I fell in love with you and I need to take you as you are!” I swallowed, waiting an answer
“Well, look who turned out to be such a romantic!” Niall said, being purposely annoying. I started laughing “Are we fine?”
“Sure we are silly!” I said and looked down, immediately blushing because I knew he was smiling “I could never be mad at you for a long time!” I whispered
“Well, the same in this side!” I heard him yawn
“You tired?” I asked
“Just a bit!” He answer calmly, almost mumbling
“Go sleep love!” I said, wanting him to get a proper rest
“I haven’t been doing it for a week!” He said “I really need to rest now!” I smiled
“Go then!” I smiled
“Hang up!” He asked
“You hang up!” I giggled
“See you tomorrow love!” Silence but the phone wasn’t hanged up.
We just stood there listening to each other’s breathings in silence and taking in all those feelings in silence
“Bye love!” I said an hanged up reluctantly
I walked downstairs to go eat when I trailed off in my thoughts.
I understand now, Niall puts up walls. Sometimes people put them up, not to keep other out, but to see who truly cares, who cares enough to to break them down. I will break Niall’s down, not if it’s the last thing I do!

Notes

I hope you like it guys! I'm really happy how you are responding to this! Love ya :3