When I got to my home, I left the taxi and payed the man. He took a good look at my leg and then at my face.
“Are you sure you’re alright miss?” I nodded. Sure he could see I wasn’t.
Despite the fact that my leg is cut, my eyes are red, my hair was a messy mess and I was sobbing! For sure I was not alright!
“Take care of yourself okay?” I nodded again and he left
I limped till the door step, sitting in the stairs, or better throwing myself in the stairs and hugging my knees and crying and sobbing. The injury hurt more. I didn’t care, I deserved it! I deserved it, for everything that I’ve done to Niall! This is the second time he’s been injured because of me, and this time it’s not a joke. I squeezed more the injury, making more tears flown down my eyes.
I can’t believe that bastard marked me. He wrote with his name on me! I squeezed even tighter my thigh and looked up, my tears freely falling down my face. It was midnight, I could tell it was from the position I was, it hurt more and more… But I deserved it. There was a thing I was sure right now: the things I deserve and the things that I don’t. I’m absolutely sure I deserve the pain, but I’m sure I don’t deserve Niall.
I hurt him, I kicked him, I shouldn’t… I… I feel awful because of what I did.I shouldn’t have. Now he won’t even want to see my face again. I can’t… I don’t even want to see him break up with me. I can’t stand it.
After a few minutes looking at the sky, knowing deeply in my heart that the person I love would want to break up with me, probably tomorrow and the next day, I got up and walked inside the house, silently. My leg felt numb, but I still could feel the pain. I limped till my room and into the bathroom. I filled my bathtub with water and foam. My clothes got out of my body quickly and I got, with a little help from the towel hanger, into the bathtub. My bruises hurt immediately. They felt like they were burning under my flesh, hurting more and more. I deserved it, but it doesn’t mean I was liking it. Even so, I stood there, taking and absorbing all the pain I knew it was meant for me.
I started crying loudly. Thankfully to my closed door and the thick walls, my crying should look like a whispering to anyone out of my room. I started scratching my leg up and down. My nails weren’t that big because I bite them, but they were long enough to hurt me even more and more and more. I ran them over the cuts and let out a loud sobbing get out. I done it again, and again, and again. I deserved it, it was my fault, only mine and no one else’s fault… MINE!
I screamed loudly when my nails dove into the flesh. I couldn’t control myself from doing it since the pain was so strong. I stopped, took my fingers from my leg and took them to my face, crying and sobbing.
What are you doing with yourself Johanna? You’re going crazy! You will eventually, and everything because he WILL break up with you. What is this I feel in my heart? Why does it weight like, a thousand kilos? I have no idea why? What’s this and what’s happening to me?
Your heart is broken Johanna, that’s what’s happening. Shoot. I knew I shouldn’t get involved with him. I knew it was too dangerous, because, deep down, I knew it was going to be intense. I knew from the beginning it was going to be intense, but I chose to ignore it and go with it, I chose to fall in love. But I shouldn’t have. I should have known that everything that falls usually breaks. And that’s how I feel, broken.
I let my head rest back in the bathtub and cried, cried till I fell asleep, right there, in my bathroom.
**
A week has gone by since I woke up in that bathtub, since my flesh was cut coldblooded, since I have spoke to Niall. I saw him multiple times in front of my school, waiting to talk to me, probably to break up. He didn’t seem well. I could see his beard now, he let it grow, he had bruises all over his face and arms. It pained me to see him like this, but I couldn’t talk to him. If I did, our relationship could end up and my connection to him would have been gone.
I took the longest way home, only to run away from him because I knew what was going to happen. I’m in my house now. I haven’t spoke to anyone in one week, only the basics. “YES!”, “No!” and “Hu-hum!” not even another word.
My mom was starting to get worried. My dad got to that stage the first day I haven’t spoke to anyone, right now, he’s freaking out. Ade and Jess don’t notice it that much, but Maria does. She goes to my room every night and sleeps next to me, hugging me, waiting for my attitude to change. But it didn’t. My eyes had huge bags under them, my hair was a mess, I felt dead inside. My cuts weren’t healing at all. I had done nothing for them to heal, instead, I wanted them to pain more, I deserved it. The only thing I think I don’t is his name carved in my flesh. It should come off when the skin heals, but I won’t get away without a few scratches.
It Sunday today. Ten o’clock in the morning precisely. I should do something, go out and feel the fresh air, but all I could do is stay laid down beneath my covers crying. My eyes have been so red and swollen the whole week, a combination between insomnia and crying all night long. The teachers actually asked me what was wrong with them. I tried to escape, saying that I was with allergies to something, but they figured it out, they weren’t dumb. If they were, they wouldn’t be teachers.
My phone rang in my bedside table, making my head hurt. My brain feels heavier and, with the smallest amount of noise, it bounces against the walls of my skull, making it hurt more. It hurt by itself because the lack of resting but it hurts more with noise, obviously. After mumbling a bit, I reached for it. I covered my head with the covers, not allowing the sun light to pass. I opened the text and read it. It was from Danny. She didn’t push me to talk this week, she understood I was going through something bad. She might talk a lot, but she’s an incredible watcher and an amazing friend too. She only walked around with me, following my every moved. She’s the only one who saw the bruises and it was not because I wanted to, because she saw them accidentally.
#Flashback on:#
Wednesday. I was finishing coming out of English with Danny by my side. I walked directly towards the bathroom on the other side of the hallway. I had to bring the skirt today. My jeans went to the dry cleaners and I only had one pair I could take to school. The cuts weren’t seeable but I needed to be careful about it if I didn’t want anyone to know. I washed my hands in the sink. They were full of lines I made with a pen to distract myself from my thoughts in class. Strangely, being closed in a room with twenty other people is making me anxious. I can’t concentrate on classes for obvious reasons and I couldn’t stand still and do nothing since my brain was in overdrive too.
The bathroom door was closed, Danny and I were alone in the bathroom. She was holding her English book on her hands. She didn’t have the time to put it in the backpack since I almost ran out of class. Lately, she seems kind of down. Her eyes aren’t that great to, she has bags, she never has bags under her eyes, she doesn’t talk and most of the time is quietly standing by my side. She smiled softly when she saw me looking at her, but I didn’t reply, I just turned my face to the mirror. I felt something dripping my leg. Oh shoot, the cuts.
“JOHANNA!” Danny yelled, letting go of the book in the floor and so she did with her backpack. She ran to my side, pulling the skirt up a bit so she could see. “Johanna!” She spoke tenderly, caressing the cuts with her thumb. I could have bet her eyes were wet, but I didn’t wanted to start crying too “He did this to you?” She got up, looking me in the eyes, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. She knew the answer already so she just sighed and picked up some tissues to clean my blood. I kept my eyes on the mirror all the time, looking at my pale face, my eyes. My eyes are always grey now, my eyes that are always, and I repeat ALWAYS grey, now have no shine at all “You have to take care of this!” She had no response at all and sighed again “C’mon! Let’s get something for you to eat!” Ad we left the bathroom

#Flashback off: #
I shook my head and opened the text from Danny.
“I need you! SOS!”
SOS! SOS! A universal code between us. When one of us sends a text with SOS written we have to run to each other. I jumped in bed and ran to my wardrobe.
I might not be in the best days of my life, but Danny is my best friend, if she needs me I would run back, even if I had to take a plain to get to her.
The wardrobe doors were opened and my sweatpants rolled down my legs. I threw on some jeans and took my shirt off. My hair feel perfectly over my breasts, the natural curls covering my white braw. I grabbed a white sweater and pulled the hairs out since they got stuck because of the shirt. It was cold outside, it snowed last night. I should go and grab some starbucks, if she feels bad, it will cheer her up. I picked up a brown scarf and some brown boots (http://data3.whicdn.com/images/79060582/large.jpg). I only had time to comb my hair before I ran out of my room. Everybody was downstairs but I couldn’t talk, I had no time.
I ran out and climbed into my car. I started it and drove. I turned off the radio. I had no mood for listening to music since… Since… (Sigh). I stopped the car to go and get some starbucks, but I quickly returned. I used to go there on Saturdays and reading books when Jess was younger, probably two or three years old. I also brought something for her to eat, she could feel better with some sugar inside of her.
I drove back to her place and rang the bell. Her mom answered the door.
“Hi Johanna!” She said and I nodded “She’s upstairs dear!” She pointed and I ran to her room. I knocked and she talked
“Come in!” I opened the door
She was sat on the point of her bed, looking at the floor. She was wearing her pajamas, the one I gave her. The sponge Bob one, she gave me the Looney Tunes one. She knew that they were my favorite cartoons and she saw it in the shop across the one where I bought hers. It was a funny coincidence. The brown, large shorts were hanging on her hips, the yellow t-shirt with the big Sponge Bob eyes had straps. One was hanging on her shoulder, the other one slipped and was at her arm height now. She had a sad expression one her face.
“Glad you came!” She said and I extended the cups of coffee and the bag with the chocolate croissants “Thanks!” I put them on the bed and sat next to her, in the exact same position she was, looking at the ground.
Tell me! Tell me! My subconscious begged, but I wasn’t able to talk. I wanted her to start, to talk to me, I wanted us to be like we were before. Bubbly, funny, crazy in our own way.
Suddenly, I heard sobbing. It didn’t came from me, so it was Danny. I widened my eyes and looked at her, worried
“Don’t just stand there, do something!” She yelled and got up.
I shook my head negatively and looked at her, frowning. What did she want me to do? I don’t know what to do, I just don’t know… I got up and walked in her direction, still frowning. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me.
“Talk to me! Say something Damn It! I’m your best friend! Can’t you just tell me what happened? Fuck Johanna! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” She sobbed again, still shaking me frenetically “Do you know how bad it hurts me to see you like this?” I let some tears run down my face when I saw hers. It pained me to know I was doing this to her “See? Why are you crying? WHY? Tell me! Fuck, I know Jasper did something to you, but you can’t be like this because of him! TELL ME!” I started sobbing and took her hands off my shoulders and turned my back on her.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?” I yelled “THAT I KICKED MY BOYFRIEND?” THAT I HURT MYSELF BECAUSE I FEEL BAD?! THAT I LIKE HIM AND I’M ABSOLUTELY SURE HE’S GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT OT HEAR?! BECAUSE MY HEAD IS NOT A GREAT PLACE RIGHT NOW AND NO ONE SHOULD LISTEN TO MY THOGHTS, NO ONE! NOT EVEN MY BEST FRIEND!” I turned, angry
“You kicked him?” She asked tenderly, cleaning her tears.
I only started to cry more and more and sat on her bed, covering my eyes with my hands. I cried more when she sat next to me and hugged me.
“Don’t cry Angel!” Danny uses to call me Angel, it’s the nickname she gave me when I first met her because she thought I was a miss goody too shoes. She only calls me this when I’m actually sad or truthfully happy and in a day she feel like doing it.
She sat back on the bed and told me to put my head on her legs. I did so and she asked me to tell her. I told her everything. Every single detail of everything that happened in that night.
“Oh sweetie!” She said.
We were drinking the coffee now and casually biting the croissants. I admit, it was the most I have eaten in a week. A croissant is the most I have eaten. In the school’s cafeteria I only played with it, at home I have done the same every day. My mom was finally happy about my weight, but not the amount of food I was eating. I drove my dad nuts, Maria was paranoid, my mom freaking out. The two younger ones were oblivious of my behavior, but they still found it a bit awkward.
“I just… I can’t lose him!” I whispered. Cleaning the tears with the back of my hand
“Why don’t you just talk to him?” She asked, caressing my hair
“Because I know he’ll break up with me! He’s my first love Danny, I can’t lose him!”
“My daddy uses to say that the first time you fall in love, it changes you and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away!” Danny said
“That’s no helping my case Danny!” She started laughing and I couldn’t help but to do the same. Danny was good for me, but I knew, once I was a home again, everything would go back to the way it was.
Finally! It took a week for me to smile again, but I did it.
“And that Jasper guy! URG!” She yelled and I shrugged “We stopped checking for monsters under our bed when we realize they are inside of people!” I sighed
When younger, Danny was mistreated in school. She wasn’t cute and skin back then so people used to make fun of her. Yes, she was bullied. You never thought right that the girl who had everything was actually very different in the past? Well, she was. She’s like this now to compensate the way she was before. She used to be afraid of monsters under her bed, so she loves this phrase. Everybody was so mean to her that I just want them to see how she is right now. So pretty and cute and, as the boys use to say, hot!
She’s not what she seems. She never had someone to talk to as a child so she just talks a lot now, to me, and I love her for that!
“It’s good to see you smiling! Finally!” She said and I shrugged, drinking a bit of my coffee
“This is just perfect! Two best friends, coffee and food!” I giggled.
Only Danny could do this to me, only she could make me laugh when I was down. Her and…
“Wait! What’s wrong?” She asked, noticing my smile disappeared.
“I just thought of someone I shouldn’t have!” I forced a smile
“I still think you should talk to him!” She said and I shook my head negatively
“He’s going to break up with me! If I don’t talk to him, I can still be connected with him somehow!” I looked down
“Hey Angel!” She lifted my chin “Your crown is falling!”
“Own! Princess!” I hugged her tight, smiling
Princess is the nickname I gave Danny. You can imagine why. We became friends a few years ago. I didn’t knew about Danny’s story in the first one, that’s when the nickname came. In our first ‘Beasties Birthday’ she told me everything, all her story. She was, still, a princess back then!
“Look! I got to go! I need to go and get back home or something!” I said, getting up
“Are you sure you’ll be fine?” She asked, frowning
“Yeah, I’m fine!” She looked at me with judging eyes and I sighed “I’ll GET fine!”
“Are you sure you want to go alone?” I nodded
It would be a lot easier to ask her to come with me, but I needed to be alone. Danny took me to the door and waved me as I drove down the street. I didn’t felt like going anywhere, I felt like going home and wrapping myself in the sheets… And try to sleep. Try because I haven’t been able to do it in a full week.
I drove back to my house and got in. The depression hit again, I was feeling down, sad, speechless in the bad way. I opened the door and got in to find out Maria worried sick, sitting on the stairs, waiting for me. She was holding to her hair and her eyes were closed. She looked up when she saw me and ran to my side.
“Where were you? I was worried sick!” She said “Someone called you?” I nodded.
Maria knew I wouldn’t give her an elaborate answer so she has to give some choices and I will say if they’re right or wrong. It has been like this in a week, so she’s getting used to it.
“Was it Danny?” I nodded again and she sighed “Do you wanna go rest?” I nodded again “Fine! Go! I won’t bother you!” She said and left to her room.
I followed her up the stairs till I got to my room. They probably had lunch already. I wouldn’t be called since they know ‘m not eating. I opened the door and closed myself in. I shouldn’t be closing the door, but my mom completely forgot that when she noticed I was acting weird. I didn’t bother to change clothes, I just laid on bed, covered my head and started crying. I tried to cry silently, but I wasn’t able to do it! I sobbed repeatedly before the darkness consumed me.
I didn’t fell asleep, no, because that would be too good to be real. I just went on a transe. My eyes were wide open, no sound coming out of my mouth or any tears running down my face. I just stood there, like I was the whole week, hidden under the covers. Visiting Danny and opening up a bit helped me get my feeling back for a while, but in my room… It all just comes back. The sadness, memories, everything, and it causes me to go in transe. I guess they’re right when they say that the best way to not get your heart broken is pretending you don’t have one… I wish I could.
What hurts the most when I’m in transe, it’s the things I see. It’s like my eyes are disabled and I’m living in the memories I had with him. He’s so beautiful, so pretty, so perfect in his own imperfect way. It hurts to know how he’s now. He let his beard grow, his face is bruised, he’s not fine, and I’m not fine neither. It hurts because I remember all his facial expression, I know the marks on his neck like the back of my hands, I know every tone, every shade of blue his eyes ever had… I don’t know why this had to happen to me. I never did anything wrong! I was always a good girl, one that never hurts anyone, that doesn’t talk about other people’s life, that’s always presentable, that helps in everything she can! WHY?! Why?
I already forgot how many times I asked that question myself. I only know it was a lot during this week, day, night, school time, the time I send at home (under the covers is more like it)… I never kept a counting, because I knew it was goin to be worthless. I would never stop asking myself that.
Why?
Why?
Why?
The question echoed against the walls of my skull. I’m going crazy, I have to be going crazy. My brain is tired like it has never been before but I can’t rest, my eyes are weighting like two tones but I can’t close them, my stomach is complaining but I don’t feel like eating, my wounds are always hurting but I don’t feel able to try and do something for them to heal. If those are not signs of going crazy, I don’t know what it is!
It’s love Johanna! LOVE! L-O-V-E! My brain talked to me. His voice was small and tiny, tired. Sure it was, I didn’t have any rest since a long time ago.
“Johanna!” I heard my mom calling as she knocked on the door. I peeked over the covers and saw her opening the door to get in. She knew she wasn’t getting an answer. “We’re going shopping for the house! Do you want anything dear?” I shook my head negatively and covered my head with the covers again.
That was an irrelevant question mum, you know I don’t eat in ages, a week precisely. I heard the door closing and sighed in relief. I don’t like to have people in my room now. I need to be alone, and right now, having people invading my personal space is not good.
I heard the car starting outside and driving away. I was home alone. My mum wasn’t going to leave my sisters alone with me when I’m like this. I don’t know if anyone of you guys can relate to my situation, but having a heart that’s broke for the first time is though guys, it hurts… A lot!
I don’t know how many minutes had gone by till the bell rang. My head immediately complained and I got up and into my bunny slippers. It’s part of my good education, though I haven’t been using it that much lately, to not let people at the door for long. My physical abilities were a bit rusty already, but I managed to get to the door. I opened it to find no one there. I had a clear view to the empty road. I frowned and took a step out the door to see who it was. The door was immediately closed behind me. Oh no, I’m locked outside now! With a jump, I turned around to see how it happened. Niall.
“We need to talk!” Immediately, tears came to my eyes.
Niall looked awful. I turned around, my back turned at him and crossed my eyes in front of my chest.
“Come with me!” He said from my behind.
I shook my head negatively and kept in the same position.
“Ok then! I’ll have to make you!”
Before I could even start to think about the meaning of that statement, Niall grabbed my legs and put me over his shoulder.
All I could do was scream since I don’t talk to anyone, but I could do the effort for him. He put me inside his car and closed the door loudly. Shoot, he’s pissed at me, just like I knew he would be. He got into the car and started it, driving away. I focused on the window by my side, ignoring his presence. I let my tears fall silently, knowing what was going to happen next.
My heart hurt more than anything, especially now that I saw him at close range. I only saw him in front of my school and there was a considerable distance between us. Now, I only have to reach out and grab his hand to feel him, feel his warmth. What hurts the most is the excruciating silence. He doesn’t speak to me… He’s angry! And with that… I got back in a transe
I don’t know how many time went by sine I got into another transe right there, on the car. The car stopped to show me the sight of a beach and my door opened. Niall left the door opened for me to get out and started walking down the path till the water. I sighed. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, I’m in the middle of nowhere, alone, it’s not like I could run away from him. I sighed and followed him through the beach.
He was sitting close range to the water, his shoes next to him. My slippers where being held by two of my fingers already. I sighed and looked to the sand, kicking it slowly and walking towards him. I sat next to him and looked over at the water. I could feel Niall looking at me, but I didn’t turn. I didn’t felt like I had the right to do so!
“Have you lost weight?” He asked. The wariness in his tone made my heart drop even more and I turned my palms into fists, trying to repeal the feeling “When was the last time you ate?” He asked and got no answer “You don’t talk now?” He said, pain all over his tone “Talk to me!” His hands touched my shoulders, shaking me and turning me to face him “Look at me!” I looked away “I swear, sometimes it feels like you actually like breaking my heart!” I squeezed my eyes
It was the last drop for me. Tears falling down my cheeks. How could he ay this to me when he’s here to break up with me.
“HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?” I got up, my eye filled with tears, Niall got up right next to me too “How can you say that when you’re here to break up with me! When you’re here to end things, our connection, everything?” I yelled and Niall widened his eyes “It’s that isn’t it? You’re going to break up with me! You can just go away and leave me here then, I’ve been imagining it for the whole week. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I just stand there, under cover, crying or relieving memories! I’ve been in enough pain for now! Go ahead, dump me!” I yelled the last phrase.
Niall was pale white. His face looked like a white paper, not even his cheeks had any color.
“You don’t eat in a week?”
“What does that matter to you?” I felt my hair moving with the wind and hugged myself
“Because you’re my girlfriend!” I let my head fall in my hands
“For now!” I said
“Forever!” He said and I looked up.
He smiled shyly and scratch his head, embarrassed. I jumped on him, hugging him, my legs wrapped around hi waist.
“I’m sorry! I’M SO SORRY!” I begged “Please forgive me, I had no choice!” I cried onto his neck
“You did have a choice!” he said. His hand was over my head, pressing me more to him. I looked up to hi, frowning “You had two! You could have left me there to be killed or kick me! You chose widely woman!” I smiled
“I missed you!” I whispered and Niall smiled
I could feel my eyes turning green again after a long time being grey. I hugged him tightly, almost choking him.
“Johanna! Breath!” He said and I giggled, letting go of his neck. I let my lips part and gave him a kiss. Niall quickly held my head again and turned, lying me on the sand. He stood between my legs while we kept kissing, repeatedly. My hands flew to Niall’s hairs and his were caressing my hips, my bony hips actually.
We kept like that for a few minutes before we parted. I looked up at Niall and pressed him more to me.
“I love you!” I whispered in his ear and he pulled away, looking at me, scared. Oh shoot, I did something wrong! I couldn’t even control it, it just flew out of my mouth. Niall kept looking at me like I was some kind of freak, but his eyes softened latter and he gave me a huge smile.
“I wanted to say that first!” I giggled “I love you!” He whispered
“A lot?” I asked
“Very, very, very much! You?” He asked
“To the moon and back!” I said and smiled shyly.