I figured out in high school that I had a tendency to push guys away once I knew they liked me, even if I liked them back. I still don’t know how I ended up dating someone in high school, he must have been persistent. However, Alex and Tanner called me out on doing exactly that to Harry. They even asked why I didn’t act that way toward Justin. And I honestly have no idea.
It’s been a few days since I admitted my crush on Harry, and they noticed that we haven’t been hanging out. “It’s not Harry’s fault, he’s great. I just, you know. Don’t reply to his messages when he wants to hang out.” Tanner sighs as she gives Alex a knowing look, “I don’t know what to do.”
Alex scoffs and grabs my shoulders, “Girl. You know what Harry looks like, right? He’s a fucking greek god. Like I don’t understand how he’s been single for so long.... Maybe he just has one night stands to keep him going. I don’t know. He keeps his sex life to himself, which isn’t a bad thing. But Kennedy. Get yourself together woman! Before he thinks you hate him and gives you space!”
“Maybe I need space. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because I’ve been spending so much time with him and he’s just a likable person.” Alex rolls her eyes, “What. It could happen?”
"No. You like him. He likes you. Why is that so hard to see?" Alex says in an annoyed tone.
"Because!" I raise my voice in frustration, "Why would someone like him, be interested in me?" I look both of them in the eyes and let my eyes fall to my lap. They're both dressed to go to a party and look even more gorgeous than normal and I can't ignore the feeling that I am probably the DUFF in this friendship.
Alex steps away from me as she raises her hands and mumbles a few profanities while Tanner points at the mirror on my dresser and I look at it to see my reflection, “Look at that. Do you see yourself?” I nod and she continues, “Kennedy. You’re beautiful. I know you’re scared because you don’t think you will ever be good enough for anyone. You think that there’s someone out there better than you, but there’s not. No one can replace you. Not one single person on this earth. Alex knows that. I know that. Everyone knows that. Including Justin and Harry.” I fight the tears that burn my eyes, knowing there's more. “I don’t know what or who made you doubt yourself, but I know one thing. No one, and I mean no one, is going to be able to change the way you view yourself. Only you can do that. Not me and not Harry. You don’t want to get into a relationship if you think they will make you feel better about yourself. Because in the end, if it doesn't work out, you're back where you started because you were depending on that person to help you feel good about yourself. You need to be firm in who you are because you never. Never want to let a guy define who you are.”
I nod and see Alex wipe a tear from her face and then watch her as she walks out of my room speechless. I feel Tanner's arms wrap around me and thank her for her honesty before she leaves my room as well, letting me know she loves me and that I will see her tomorrow. I wait a few minutes and just sit in my room.
Honestly, I don’t know why I’ve been so insecure my whole life. Maybe it’s society and the unrealistic expectations, or maybe it’s deeper. All I know is that I have two amazing guys in my life, but the one I really wanted hasn’t said he wanted me. I go over many scenarios in my head before I make up my mind and stand up, looking at my appearance again and heading out.
My hair is curled today and I’m wearing a white and maroon Sigma Delta varsity crewneck sweatshirt with dark blue skinny jeans and my vans. I run down the stairs and make my way outside as I send out a text.
To Justin: Hey, are you busy?
From Justin: No, you coming to our party?
I wait a couple minutes before replying, remembering that it’s Friday and there are multiple parties going on. I let him know I’m coming to talk to him and once I’m at the house, I text him.
I wait outside near the sidewalk and see Justin make his way down their steps. He greets me with a hug, “Hey. Haven’t seen you around in a while.”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
He waves me off, “Don’t be. I get it. Alone time is necessary.” I nod and focus on the music blaring from inside. I feel him grab my hand and look up at him, “what’s up?”
“I, um. Look Justin-”
He cuts me off before I can say anything else, “You like Harry?” I sigh and nod, suddenly feeling bad for what I was admitting. He places a hand on my shoulder rubs his thumb in a soothing motion, “Hey. No, it’s alright. I knew what I saw between you two, but I thought I still had a chance. I’m not sorry I met you though. Friends?”
I look into his eyes and see how genuine he is being and place my hand on his cheek. He gives me a smile and kisses my forehead bringing a smile to my face, “Friends.”
As I walk away from the Lambda house, my shoulders feel instantly lighter. I know I’m not done, but I’ve accomplished one thing and now I’m feeling more confident. I make my way towards the Gamma house and see that they are having a party of their own. Shoving the events the last time I was at a party here out of my mind, I push past the people and begin to search for a familiar face.
I see Niall first making drinks and he shouts my name, “Oi! I didn’t know you were coming!”
Shrugging I walk closer, “Wasn’t planning on it. Have you seen Harry?”
He pauses while sliding a drink down the counter and winks at a blonde, “Um. Might be up in his room, he hasn’t been out much.” I nod and once again push through all the sweaty bodies that fill up this house.
I keep close to the stair railing and finally make it on the third floor. I’m surprised that there are still a good amount of people up here, but I continue to walk past them until I’m in nearing Harry’s door. The music isn’t nearly as loud up here, but all the people talking over each other makes it louder.
I pause in front of Harry’s door and make sure I’m at the right one. Since he’s an officer he has his own room, but his room is right next to the Vice President of the Gamma’s, whose door is blue. I nod in affirmation and put my hand on the doorknob, letting a breath out as I turn it. Normally I would knock, but I know he probably wouldn’t hear me since I’m not one to pound on someone’s door.
It gets stuck and I realize it’s locked. Maybe he’s not home? I press my ear to the door to see if I hear music or the tv. I hear the creaking of a bed and realize a female is moaning that’s soon followed by a mans.
No.
No. This can’t be happening. I close my eyes, fighting the tears and run down the stairs, not caring who I’m hitting. I make it back to my room and close the door before sliding down the wall and letting the tears fall.
Of course. I would finally admit to liking someone and want to admit it to them, only to realize he’s having sex with someone else. I crawl up on my bed and scream in my pillow.
I’m angry. Angry at Harry. Angry at Tanner and Alex for feeding me lies. Angry at Niall for letting me go up there. Angry at myself for falling for someone who obviously doesn’t like me. But I’m even more angry at the fact that I shouldn’t even be angry.
We are… We were just friends, after all.

---

It’s Wednesday and I have successfully avoided Harry for almost one week. Tanner and Alex no longer make comments, I think they believe that I chose to work on myself before dating anyone.
Justin and I have been hanging out more, but we go to the basement floor in the library whenever we study together. He’s been great and has actually confessed to me that he started filming videos of himself singing, he just hasn’t had the courage to post them yet.
Harry still texts me every day, asking where I went, but I don’t know how to reply. I don’t even know if I want to.
Justin waves my hand in my face as we walk back to his house. “You good?”
I give a small laugh, “Yeah. Sorry, just got lost in thought.”
“Hmm. What were you thinking about?”
I shrug as I pull my backpack strings, “Nothing important.”
He rolls his eyes, “You think too much. Just relax.”
I give him a smile and release a small sigh. This is when I miss Harry. He understood my random and crazy thoughts and we would always just bounce off each other's thoughts. “Yeah. I might take your advice and go back to my place. That alright?”
“Of course.” Justin gives me a smile and continues walking down the sidewalk while I turn around and walk alone still in deep thought.
Am I being overdramatic? I think I’m just trying to heal this broken, empty feeling in my heart before I talk to Harry again. Or maybe I’m just trying to get over this pathetic crush before I continue with our friendship. I groan as I walk up our steps and enter the house and make the long trek to my room before plopping myself on my bed, falling asleep.

Notes

I apologize for not posting for a while and that the last few chapters have been kind of short. This one's not much longer, but more to come. Xx