Beating Heart
s e v e n - fish.
//Julianne//
The room steadily got colder and colder as night fell upon the earth. There was no heater in this room, nor an air conditioner, so either way I am basically on my own with this all. I sigh to myself as I bundle the spare blanket around my feet, they were about to freeze off.
“Some welcoming.” I mumble to myself as I close my eyes, the thunderstorm returning as the rain began to heavily poor again. Niall left what seemed like hours ago, I was still not sure of the time. I haven’t left this bed, honestly I am too afraid to get up.
He told me one last thing before he left earlier, and that was that he’d bring me some breakfast in the morning and hopefully a few extra blankets. Sometimes it got cold in my bedroom, but I’d just get the quilts my mother made for me when I was little off of my closet shelf and cover myself up with multiple layers of cloth. But right now I can’t do that, I wish I could though.
Ever since I was left alone in this room, I’ve been thinking about my father. Not in a good way, or a worried way, though – but more in a wondering way. I wonder if he’s looking for me, does he even know I’m gone? Would he even care about me, or would he be much happier without me? Either way I couldn’t care less, I was never going back to permanently stay there, never.
My stomach growled, taking me out of my trance. I probably should have asked Niall for something to eat, I guess that just wasn’t on my mind at the time. For the most part I’ll be okay, I can usually go a day or two without consuming any solids, thanks to my devastated childhood. It’s not even really my father’s fault, it’s my own. There is also food at the house, because he likes to stuff his face before going to that same old bar. Things for me got bad after my mother died, I didn’t even want to eat much, so I assume it all just became accustomed to me. I didn’t care enough to give myself nutrients,and I still don’t.
I heard the rumble of the thunder, the storm getting closer and closer to where I’m at. My eyes close tightly as it came a second time, hopefully I will be able to fall asleep quickly. Something needs to distract me, anything that would work.
The wind was barely blowing, but the little power it had made a few strands of my hair fly around. I take a seat on the ground, it was cold. The grass was browning and slowly dying, the change from summer to autumn is occurring. My eyes read over the words engraved into the huge marble stone.
“Sorry I haven’t been in a few months.’’ I mumble out, knowing that she can hear me wherever she might be. I have this feeling now, like I normally do when I talk aloud to her, that she’s beside me again. If only I could see her, hold her hand, just hug her again..
Just one last time.. I want to see her. I’d be alright if I could, but sadly I can’t. Even though I can’t see her with my eyes, I know she’s still there. I can sense it, I just believe it. Besides, she promised me she’d never leave me, she might have physically but never spiritually.
“You should see all the new fish in the stream.. I guess they’re migrating through.’’ I say with a shrug, not sure why the fish had just appeared over the summer months. My hand gently presses against the ground, my heart skipping a beat as I remember her body is right under me.
It’s overwhelming sometimes to know that I could have her again, she’s so close to me – but really I can’t in reality. “School is starting soon.. just a few days away. I don’t really like it. I did good last year though, with my grades and all. It’s just the people..’’ I inform her of this challenging new experience called High School.
I’ll be in the tenth grade, one year closer to being finished. Things truly are hard, not many people have lost their mother, and the ones that did, well, they didn’t lose theirs’ quite like I lost mine. A few people that I know of, not personally but just from talk around the campus, have lost their mothers from cancer, sudden car accidents, and overdoses. I’m pretty positive that I’m the only one that has lost their mother because their father killed her and the court ruled it as a suicide.
“I can’t stay long, David will be home soon and you know how that goes..’’ I sigh out as I stand up from my spot on the hard ground. I dust the back of my pants off, making sure I don’t have dirt or dust all over me. My hand begins to shake as I lean down to the vase that was beside the tomb stone.
A gulp slithers down my throat as I place the four light pink roses into the little bit of water that was left from my last visit. Now it’s time to leave again, time to get away from peace and enter my living nightmare. It’s time to want to die again.
The room steadily got colder and colder as night fell upon the earth. There was no heater in this room, nor an air conditioner, so either way I am basically on my own with this all. I sigh to myself as I bundle the spare blanket around my feet, they were about to freeze off.
“Some welcoming.” I mumble to myself as I close my eyes, the thunderstorm returning as the rain began to heavily poor again. Niall left what seemed like hours ago, I was still not sure of the time. I haven’t left this bed, honestly I am too afraid to get up.
He told me one last thing before he left earlier, and that was that he’d bring me some breakfast in the morning and hopefully a few extra blankets. Sometimes it got cold in my bedroom, but I’d just get the quilts my mother made for me when I was little off of my closet shelf and cover myself up with multiple layers of cloth. But right now I can’t do that, I wish I could though.
Ever since I was left alone in this room, I’ve been thinking about my father. Not in a good way, or a worried way, though – but more in a wondering way. I wonder if he’s looking for me, does he even know I’m gone? Would he even care about me, or would he be much happier without me? Either way I couldn’t care less, I was never going back to permanently stay there, never.
My stomach growled, taking me out of my trance. I probably should have asked Niall for something to eat, I guess that just wasn’t on my mind at the time. For the most part I’ll be okay, I can usually go a day or two without consuming any solids, thanks to my devastated childhood. It’s not even really my father’s fault, it’s my own. There is also food at the house, because he likes to stuff his face before going to that same old bar. Things for me got bad after my mother died, I didn’t even want to eat much, so I assume it all just became accustomed to me. I didn’t care enough to give myself nutrients,and I still don’t.
I heard the rumble of the thunder, the storm getting closer and closer to where I’m at. My eyes close tightly as it came a second time, hopefully I will be able to fall asleep quickly. Something needs to distract me, anything that would work.
The wind was barely blowing, but the little power it had made a few strands of my hair fly around. I take a seat on the ground, it was cold. The grass was browning and slowly dying, the change from summer to autumn is occurring. My eyes read over the words engraved into the huge marble stone.
“Sorry I haven’t been in a few months.’’ I mumble out, knowing that she can hear me wherever she might be. I have this feeling now, like I normally do when I talk aloud to her, that she’s beside me again. If only I could see her, hold her hand, just hug her again..
Just one last time.. I want to see her. I’d be alright if I could, but sadly I can’t. Even though I can’t see her with my eyes, I know she’s still there. I can sense it, I just believe it. Besides, she promised me she’d never leave me, she might have physically but never spiritually.
“You should see all the new fish in the stream.. I guess they’re migrating through.’’ I say with a shrug, not sure why the fish had just appeared over the summer months. My hand gently presses against the ground, my heart skipping a beat as I remember her body is right under me.
It’s overwhelming sometimes to know that I could have her again, she’s so close to me – but really I can’t in reality. “School is starting soon.. just a few days away. I don’t really like it. I did good last year though, with my grades and all. It’s just the people..’’ I inform her of this challenging new experience called High School.
I’ll be in the tenth grade, one year closer to being finished. Things truly are hard, not many people have lost their mother, and the ones that did, well, they didn’t lose theirs’ quite like I lost mine. A few people that I know of, not personally but just from talk around the campus, have lost their mothers from cancer, sudden car accidents, and overdoses. I’m pretty positive that I’m the only one that has lost their mother because their father killed her and the court ruled it as a suicide.
“I can’t stay long, David will be home soon and you know how that goes..’’ I sigh out as I stand up from my spot on the hard ground. I dust the back of my pants off, making sure I don’t have dirt or dust all over me. My hand begins to shake as I lean down to the vase that was beside the tomb stone.
A gulp slithers down my throat as I place the four light pink roses into the little bit of water that was left from my last visit. Now it’s time to leave again, time to get away from peace and enter my living nightmare. It’s time to want to die again.
Notes
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6/24/19