All Hidden Away

Im sitting in the car with Harry and mum, I got discharged and am on my way home. I still feel stupid, and to make it worse, Modest! says we need to reschedule the meeting for tomorrow, which of course none of the boys are exactly happy about. It’s been 3 days since I was trapped in the elevator, and I spent most of the two unconscious and heavily drugged. Im feeling better now, my ribs and chest don’t hurt nearly as much when I breath, but it’s not physical pain that’s hurting… it’s emotional. I haven’t really seen the guys a lot, I know that they are keeping their distance to give me my space but I kind of wish that they were around, it would make me feel less like a freak.

“Home sweet home.” Says mum pulling into our drive way. I was happy to see there was no one standing in front of our gate for a change. I smile and grab my small bag and walk inside to my room. Harry and I spend most of the morning and afternoon watching movies and eating popcorn and ice-cream. At about two, just after lunch, Harry and I get a message from Louis on our group chat we created since we knew I was going to stay with them.

Missing the fam-damily, can me and some mates come over for a spot of tea? X

Harry looks at me and I respond.

You better be here in the next five minutes x

Harry smiles and passes me the spoon and chocolate. We aren’t talking much but I know it’s just his way to make sure I’m okay. I get up to use the lou and have a quick shower, which turns into me washing my hair, singing and messing around for about forty minutes. I change into my pyjama pants and an oversized sweater and walk down stairs to see the lads had arrived and taken over the chill space Harry and I created. I noticed an extra two people and run and hugged Stu before he could even open his mouth to say hi.

“How you feeling?” he says quietly while I still hug him.
“Rather pathetic and like I should be back at lectures keeping my mates focused on their work.” I say with a smile. I hug Jared next.
“Oi!” says louis impatiently. “Where’s my hug? I was the person who brought them over…” he grumbles till I walk over, sit in his lap, kiss him on the forehead and give him a big hug. He returns it and whispers in my ear. “I’m glad you okay, you really had us worried luv.” I smile and go sit on the floor where my blanket still lies.

“So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?” I ask as our second movie, The Notebook ends.
I turn around and see Harry’s eyes are full of tears, as well as Louis’s, Liam’s and Stu’s.
“How are you not crying right now?” asks Jared with a genuine frown.
There is a chorus of sniffing coming from behind me and I pass them the box of tissues that they gave me at the beginning of the movie.
“Guess it’s not hitting to me today like it normally does…” I say as a cover up. Truth is I’ve been feeling rather detached since I woke up yesterday and had my little break down. God I wanted to cover my face just thinking about it. Niall suddenly comes over and rests his hand on my mid back; I think he gets what im going through. I mean I know the others are trying to be understanding and are doing a fantastic job of supporting me, but he really gets it. I lean into his embrace a bit and hear Louis and Harry coughing from behind us. I throw them a middle figure and laugh. They say nothing else and I think they understand what he’s doing. He’s showing me he understands, and I think it’s exactly what I need right now.
“Well I don’t know about anyone else, but im going to go crazy if we watch another bloody movie…” mumbles Liam.
“Me too…” agrees Jared. Stu is fast asleep and snoring slightly, his general reaction to any movie he has seen before. I check the time and see its nearly six I jump up and offer everyone some tea. I find mum and see she’s hard at work sorting out stuff on her PC, I make her a cup of tea too and take it to her. I grab the tray and fill it with seven cups and teaspoons, the big pot of tea, some milk and some sugar and take it through to the lounge. I stop at the door when I hear Liam mentioning my name.
“- what if it’s something about us this time and she’s coming to just get shat on with us?” he asks. I frown and look at the tray in my hands
“she’s really not ready to go back there yet, let alone not freak out in a closed room we’ll no doubt be stuck in for hours on end.” Says Niall. My blood starts to boil. Im fine, I don’t need to be babied about this.
“I know guys but she needs to be there for –”I cut Harry off as I walk through the door with the tray. I put on a smile as they all jump slightly at my sudden appearance.
“Tea anyone?” I say with a forced smile. I pour my cup and add milk and sit down sipping slowly. The lads keep trying to start a conversation but im lost in my head trying to think of why I couldn’t control the claustrophobia or panic attack when I was stuck in the lift.
“Tasha? Earth to Tash?” I hear Lou calling to me I turn and see everyone standing looking like they are about to go somewhere.
“Oh, sorry. Just lost in thoughts…” I say. I walk over to him as everyone walks to the kitchen.
“What’s happening?” I ask not afraid for him to know I wasn’t paying attention earlier.
“Anne and us are going to chook supper, you okay?” He says placing a hand on my shoulder. I nod.
“yeah, just tired…” I smile and walk with him to the kitchen.
“what are we cooking?” I ask before I see everyone looking over Niall’s shoulder as they looking at a take away menu. “Nandos…” we all say together. I giggle and grab a bottle of water from the fridge and glug most of it in one go. My phone starts ringing and I look to see Gem calling. I walk outside and answer.

“Hey! Mum and Harry told me what happened, how are you feeling?” I can hear she’s been running around trying to do something.
“Yea, im fine, just still a bit shaky about it I guess…”
“What’s going on there? I wish I could be there to make sure you’re really okay… because I know you’re lying, Bug.” She always know,s even over the phone. I sit down and take a deep breath.
“I guess I just feel really embarrassed and sorry for myself.” I say seriously to someone for the first time since Sunday. I hear her sigh on the other end.
“Im in Manchester at the moment it’s about 50 minutes from home… do you want me to come over? Cause I can if you need me to.”
“No, no thank you Gem, everyone is over and it’s okay, really! I just, I feel so bad Gem. Like im messing everything up for Hazza and the guys again-”
“Tasha - Bug you know that could never happen. It means the world to him that you even spend any time with him since you signed and you know that. Don’t be silly now, we all know it’s not like you’re doing this for attention or anything. You’ve been claustrophobic since you were a kid. If it was Niall instead of you, then what? You think he’d feel like this?”
“But that’s ridiculous, Niall’s part of the band and-”
“Exactly! He’s part of the band, and believe it or not but so are you. You know that… you’re part of the blood family and the 1D Fam-damily, so stop being silly and accept that its happened and know we are all here to help when you need it, okay?”
“Yeah… Thanks Gem, I miss you.” I smile, thinking about that shopping day we have planned.
“Love you, and don’t get locked in a bathroom now, okay?” she jokes and laughs with me. We say good bye and hang up. I walk inside to see everyone waiting in the kitchen for food.
We sit around and joke for a bit just chilling enjoying time together when Mum gets back with the food. I quickly set the table and find Niall already looking at the Nandos like it’s his true love. After eating around a table still filled with laughter, we agreed to have the meeting in the morning, at nine but not in London but rather here in the garden -Im tankful but a little angry they think I couldn’t handle going back there right now. Then I’d go back to the flat with Stu and Jared once the meeting was over to go fetch my stuff from our flat that id need for the vacation while living at Harry and Louis’ place. I wasn’t so stressed about the meeting with modest, I guess you could say I felt I had a Home ground advantage tomorrow… wow, I really am related Harry.

“Thanks for supper.” I say clearing the plates but not before Liam stood up with Niall in turn grabbing the plates from my hand and walking to the kitchen to do dishes.
“You look tired,” says mum coming and standing in front of me, she kisses my forehead and hugs me tight. “Go get some rest, ill wake you up in the morning.” I’m grateful to have been dismissed from my turn to do the dishes, and go say goodnight to everyone. I didn’t even check to see if Stu and Jared had a place to crash for the night. I had a chick shower, and went to sleep in my sleeping shorts and long-sleeved t-shirt. I was asleep before I knew it.

People were shouting at me through the metal doors. I couldn’t breathe and everything was swimming in and out of consciousness. I try scream but have no air in my lungs to make a noise. Everything hurts and suddenly there is light and Harry is holding me, whispering to me to breathe. Louis is standing on my other side trying to get Harry to let go and give me to the emergency men standing behind him. Everything goes black till im in the ambulance. I still can’t breathe properly and no matter how much air I pull in, it doesn’t seem to fill my collapsed lungs. My head hurts from the lack of oxygen and everything is ringing. There is no such thing as silence. Mum is holding my hand and Louis and Harry are comforting each other next to me. Paul, Liam and Niall are nowhere to be seen. I look up into the eyes of someone mouthing something to me… the blackness finally pulls me under as I battle one last ragged breath of air.

Notes