THE DEATH OF YOU

A year ago.

I am sat at this same spot by Harry's bed for over two hours, refusing to move.
He looks terrible but at least he is alive. I am leaning over his bed playing with a curl that isn't shaved off or under the white bandage that is covering his head. He has two black eyes and a swollen cheekbone. His shoulder was dislocated and he has broken his ribs. I wipe at my cheeks, the tears leaking out my eyes with no permission. This keeps happening and I keep telling myself to stop. My beautiful Harry..
I've must have dozed off, because the next thing I know is, I am being shaken awake softly, my name called.
I squint my eyes open to find Anne kneeling beside me.
"Hello sweetheart," she says warmly. She's been crying and seeing her face, seeing her here sets me off. I fling my arms around her neck sobbing instantly.
"Oh darling.. Don't cry.. He'll live.. And once he is all whole again you can help me kill him for putting us and himself through this," she cries with me.
"He is so broken.. And his hair.. I can't see him like this.. I left him strong and smiling.. Well not smiling he was frowning at me but still he was Harry.." I wipe my eyes.
"I know love.. It's alright," she smiles at me.
I get up and let her sit in the seat close to her son.
"Where is Gem?"
"She stepped out.. She needed a moment, why don't you go find her?"
I nod and make my way to the entrance.
"Come on darling boy.. Mummy's here now.. I'm here waiting for you.. When you're ready to face the world again," I hear Anne tell him.
I find Gemma on the floor outside.
I slip down the wall and sit myself next to her.
She lays her head on my shoulder and starts to cry as well.
I lean my cheek on her head and wait it out, my own tears falling. What a mess we are.
"I fought with him countless times to leave the race behind.. I had a feeling.. I knew this would end badly.. If only he would have listened," she finally whispers. Her voice is shaky and I can't imagine what it's like to see your little brother in such a state.
"He'll be alright.. He'll pull through.. He's strong and beautiful and stubborn.. And.. Well.. He's Harry.." I shrug.
Gemma lifts her head from my shoulder, and a smile shines behind her tears.
"You're right, he will... And then I will kill him!" She promises.
"Get in line," I chuckle.
"You should go in with your mum.." I finally say.
"Yes.." Her voice trails off, but it takes her a moment before she moves. When she does I stay in place, following her with my eyes.
"I think we should paint his cast pink, just to piss him off," Ed is stood over me. I jump up to my feet and hug him tightly. I let him wrap me up and cuddle me with comfort.
"Oh sweetheart..." He murmurs in my ear which sets off my tears once again.
"Don't cry love.."
It as if something broke inside me, letting everything that is locked up, spill out. I thought I was all taped out of tears, but I was wrong.
Ed holds me and lets me cry, whispering promises and sweet reassures in my ear as I sob.
After what seems forever I pull away and wipe my cheeks and eyes.
"I'm sorry.. It seems it's the only thing I'm capable of lately," I apologize.
"Don't.. I would be a mess too.. Not as hot as you but I would be bawling my eyes out if I was in your shoes as well," he promises.
"Let's join Anne and Gemma," I suggest. Ed nods and follows me into the hospital room.
I hear Ed's gasp. He hasn't seen Harry yet and I reckon he didn't let it sink that he might really be hurt.
"Oh good.. Can you please stay with him as I go find the doctor? I have some questions," Anne asks as she notices us.
"Of course."
"I'll come with you," Gemma stands. As they walk passed us, Anne places a hand on my shoulder.
The door closes after them, and Ed and I are left alone with Harry.
I watch Ed shift closer to Harry's bed. He moves slowly, and I am fixed to his every move. I watch as he stops next to him, staring him down with wide eyes. Ed slips a hand into Harry's holding it gently. I note the tears gliding down his cheeks and my heart is torn. In his wildest dreams he never dreamt of Harry in such a broken state, and I am sat at the front row, watching as it breaks Ed down, crumbling him into pieces.
"Hey Mate.." He whispers trying hard to keep his voice from catching.
"He never looked better.. Ha?" Ed tries to joke with me. That statement wakes me from my daze, and I jump to his side pulling him into my arms, it being my turn to comfort him.
"You said it yourself.. He's strong.. He'll make it," I convince him and myself. The world is not ready to live without him and that is why it will keep Harry in it longer.

A while later we are all sat around the room. Sleeping off jet lag. I'm the only
One awake, sat to his right while his mum to his left.
I'm texting with Eleanor keeping her informed with Harry's state of health, when there is a sudden movement from beside me. I gasp as my eyes fly to Harry. His hand moved! I reach out and touch it. His fingers find mine and grasp weakly.
"Cassie.." He murmurs my name. I am out of my seat and kneeling over him.
"I'm here Harry! And your mum and sister.. And Ed.. We are all here.. And you're just fine!" I whisper as his face twitches in pain. He nods slowly and then his weak grasp on my hand is gone. He goes limp, and the beeping starts.
"No! No! Harry! Help! Someone! Something is wrong!" I start screaming, making the sleeping people in the room jump to their feet. Nurses and Doctors flood the room and push us back.
"Please do something!" I shout, fear creeping up and taking over me as I am struggling to stay in place, not letting the nurses push me away.
Anne and Gemma are shocked into silence, tears streaming down their faces, though they let the nurses push them out of the room.
"He can't leave me! Don't let him die!" I sob and scream, fighting the nurse.
"Get her out of here!" Someone orders.
Strong arms close over me. I drop to the floor in a pool of hot tears, refusing to leave. I am scooped up and am taken out.
I am finding it hard to catch my breath and I start to choke.
"She's having a panic attack," I hear Ed say. I am still cradled to his chest.
I feel a prick to my arm, and a moment later breathing becomes easier. I feel my eye grow tired.
"No.. Don't put me to sleep," I slur. However, it's too late and I can feel myself get sucked under.

I don't know how much time has passed when I finally awake. My head hurts and I feel sluggish and disoriented. It takes me a moment to remember what has happened. However when I do I jump to a sitting position and am ready to scramble out of the hospital bed.
"Hold on tiger," a hand on my shoulder stops me.
"Harry!" I choke, my watery gaze finding Eds.
"He's stable," Ed promises, sending me crying from relief.
"Oh sweets.. He gave us all a fright.. don't cry," Ed shifts to the bed and pulls me to his chest in a comforting cuddle.
"I can't take this anymore," I mumble into his chest. "This is like losing Nan all over again."
I feel his chin leave the top of head as he pulls back to stare down at me.
"This is nothing like losing Nan Cassie! Harry will make it! He will live! Remember that!" He orders curtly. I nod in agreement, though I am scared of letting myself believe him, afraid he is wrong.
"Once you calm down and are ready, I'll take you to see him," Ed states.
I wipe eyes, demanding of them to stop leaking.
My suitcase is by the door. I shuffle over and flip it open. I fish out some fresh clothes and head into the nearest bathroom to change.
Once out, Ed holds the door open for me and we make our way to Harry's room.
"How are you feeling darling?" Anne questions as we enter, moving towards me and tucks me under her arms in a hug.
"I'll be fine.. How is he?" I manage to break free and move to the side of the bed, standing over a sleeping Harry.
"He gave us a fright but he'll be alright."
Anne sounds tired. Gemma is asleep on one of the chairs, a coat draped over her.
"I'm so sorry I freaked out the way I have," I turn to Anne.
"Please! Don't apologize love.. it is understandable."
"I just wish we knew more.." I sigh, turning back to Harry. I slide my fingers under his and hold his hand softly, brushing my thumb back and forth over his skin.
"He work just before.. He said my name," I whisper.
"He did?! That has to be a good sign no?" Ed asks.
"I have no clue darling.. However.. We should let his doctor know," Anne decides. She excuses herself and walks out to find the doctor.
"I hate this! I hate feeling so helpless," I mutter, sitting down beside Harry, my hand still in his.
"We all feel that way.."
Anne comes back with the doctor and I repeat what happened. He checks Harry's vitals again and then claims that there is no way of knowing.
We need to wait for him to wake up.

Morning comes and Anne, Gemma and Ed go to find something for breakfast. I decide to stay behind not wanting to leave Harry on his own.
"He'll be here when we come back," Ed smiles.
I want to tell him he has no way of knowing.. Just like no one had a way of knowing he'll get badly injured. I keep quiet though, not wanting to upset anyone.
I am left alone in the room as they leave.
"I'm sorry. ." I tell him. "I'm sorry I left.. I should have stayed with you.. I should have come to the race.. we could have left for London after it.. we could have worked it out.. this is all my fault and I'm sorry.. I will never leave you again.. I promise," I whisper, sleeking his curls back and off his forehead.
Harry suddenly steers and I jump back scared he is going into shock again.
His eyes flick open and he squints up at the room.
"Harry?" I ask softly.
"Water," he murmurs, and I hurry to get him the cup of water by the bed.
I help him sip and when he has enough, set it back on the table.
He watches me carefully.
"How are you feeling?" I furrow my brows.
A sly smile appears on his chopped lips.
"They do make sure to have pretty nurses don't they?" He tries to joke.
"Very funny.. I was worried.. Your mum and Gemma and Ed are here.. They’ve gone to get some breakfast," I inform him.
"So they left you here to look after me?"
"I wanted to stay behind.. I didn't want you to be alone."
"Why? What is it to you? You don't even know me," he frowns.
"Are you joking?"
"Seriously! Who are you? If you're not my nurse then how are you even in here?"
"I'm on your contact list.. I was on my way back to London.. don't you remember? Oh God. . Don't you remember? Harry.. do you know who I am? What my name is?" Dread fills every part of my being as he shakes his head, watching me carefully.
"She's you’re girlfriend for the last few years you douche bag," Ed snaps from the doorway.
"I wish.. My girlfriend is a bleached blond though with fake nails, fake tits and apparently cares only for herself since she isn't here.. Where the hell is that Lola?!"

Notes

Where is Lola people?

So what did you think?