This Love

~Liana's pov~


What I've done, or shall I say what I've been doing, was something that I'd always hoped that I would never resort back to. I forgot how addicting it could be, the feeling of the sharp blade slicing through your skin, and watching the thick red blood pour down your arm and onto the floor or sink.


The thing was, as I sat here, cuddled up into Luke's arms, I remembered how much pain I could be causing others as I did this to myself. His head was laid back onto the cabinets, his eyes closed, I couldn't tell if he was asleep or not.


I studied his facial expressions, took in the little things. Even though his eyes were closed, I could tell that the glow the blue crystals possessed was no longer there, it was gone.


All happiness has been drained from each and every one of us when the tragedy struck. I never had felt pain like this before, but I know that I have caused others pain such as this.


I looked back at the times I had tried to take my own life, my mum would be crying into my shoulder as my eyes fluttered open, but as those times, all I could think about was how I failed, and that made the pain and urge to try again worse. Luke had seen me in those situations too, I couldn't imagine what had been going through his head and how he felt at those times.


"Mummy?" A small voice was heard from the doorway. Olivia stood there, her long blonde hair flying in different directions, because she refuses to put it in a ponytail when she sleeps.


"Yes sweetie?" I choked out, my eyes were still tearful, and it was no use hiding that.


"What's going on?" She asked. Olivia was growing up, she wasn't dumb. She was going to turn six pretty soon.


"Please just go back to bed baby girl." I whispered. Luke let out a small grumble as he shifted.
Olivia refused to leave, so she walked over and sat in between Luke and I instead. She was obviously tired, so I couldn't understand why she could be up at this time. She scooted her way in between Luke and I, causing him to wake up.


"Liv, why are you up?" He grumbled.


"I want to know what's going on. You guys keep lying to me. I don't like that." Olivia said with a pout, I was somewhat shocked at her words.


"Sweetie, we're not lying to you about anything." Luke assured.


"Then why is mummy bleeding? Why isn't Desiree here? Why is everybody just so sad?" Tears began forming into Olivia's eyes, and it absolutely broke my heart.


"You're too young to understand these things." I whispered. "It's better if we tell you what's going on when you're older, and you could understand better." I added.


"Tell me." She said blankly. I was amazed about her interest of this situation. Nothing about what had happened was the least bit worth talking about.


"Desiree died. Do you know what that means?" Luke stated without hesitation.


"I thought she went up to heaven." The little girls eyebrows furrowed.


"She did. But to go to heaven, you have to die." I sighed.


"But if she died, she could come back. You told me grandpa died but he came back-"


"He's not your grandpa." Luke seethed through his teeth, causing Olivia to sink her face into my arm.


"I'm sorry." She whimpered. Luke had realized that he scared Olivia, and immediately hugged her and apologized.


"And he never died baby girl. Mummy just said that because he's a bad person, and you didn't need to know about him." Luke explained, resting his head in his hands.


"But why was everybody crying when you guys left that day?" Olivia asked, her face returning back to curious.


"Because we were scared that somebody was going to get hurt. What we did that day was something very dangerous."


"What'd you guys do?" Olivia asked almost immediately.


"We'll tell you that soon, not today, but I promise that we will eventually." Luke sighed. Telling an almost six year old that her dad and his friends went out to fight and shoot people was not the best of ideas.


"Okay." Olivia gave in. I guess she was done. "Wait!" Spoke too soon. "Why is mummy bleeding?" She asked, looking down at my blood covered arm.


"That's another thing we'll tell you soon." I assured.


"Okay I'm done now." Olivia giggled slightly. Her giggle bringing a slight smile to my face.


The two months with our baby boy in the hospital was pretty blurry in my memory, but I was thankful that all of that was over now.


I sat on the small park bench, feeding our small two month old little boy as Luke and Olivia were feeding the ducks. I laughed slightly when Olivia got over excited with things, and Dylan would flash a smile which made my heart melt.


Things weren't totally okay, and definitely felt empty with a slight missing spot in our family. But things were going to get better, they always have.


A slight pain shot through my head, I've been getting headaches a lot like this recently, but decided not to make such a big deal about it to others. Luke knew that I got them, and immediately said I should visit a doctor. But, they had all assured me that everything was fine.


That wasn't really that important though, the only thing that mattered at the moment was that I was here, with my family, and at the moment, I couldn't be any happier.

Notes