My Light

Zayn's POV

“Zayn, you can't use that as an excuse. You got married, you got a divorce, you're not the only one whose done that. You can't keep saying you suck at relationships, you hid my favorite book from me for a year and then you totally ignored me for two months like I was in the wrong.” Her words hit me like a brick, they're the truth. I keep hiding behind that failed relationship, taking the title of the victim.

“I know.” I whisper and I don't know what else to say, I have to just look away.

“I just- I just don't want you to keep using that as an excuse, if something doesn't work out, it's not always your fault, it's not always a reason for you to act any way you want to. I don't want to yell at you. That's not why I came.” II don't feel attacked from her words, but I did want more time to prepare, I was planning on waking up early and writing a note to remind myself of what to tell her, what I wanted to make sure that she knew.

“I know. I know Nora.” Her name just burns on my lips. Just me speaking her name makes me ache. This could be it, this could be all we ever do, if I let her out of this room with the way this conversation is going, I will lose her forever. “I just got scared.” I tell her.

“Scared?” She asks, looking back at me, a hint of curiosity in her face.

“I don't know how to explain it.” I'm suddenly itchy as I rub my scalp, the back of my hand where my tattoo is. “I came home to New York and when you saw that book I could literally just feel my world crumbling. I didn't mean for it to turn out like that, you have to believe me. It was just like the longer I kept it, the harder it was to show it to you and I couldn't think of any way to tell you without me sounding like a complete stalker.” I swing my feet lightly brushing the ugly green carpet under me.

“But you could have told me. It makes it worse that you hid it, it makes you sound like a stalker even more.” The word stalker sounds ugly. Makes it sounds like I'm a creepy man in the shadows of the night.

“I know, a thousand times I should have told you, I've told myself again and again that I needed to show it to you and I didn't. I admit my mistake. All I can do now is ask for your forgiveness.” I close my eyes and run my fingers through my hair. I take the time to look at her and see how beautiful she is. She looks so relaxed, her skin tanner, her hair is down against back. Her coral colored shorts show her long, lean legs, she's just gorgeous.

“Honestly Zayn, I don't know what I'm saying but I feel like I can forgive you about the book. I don't understand why you did it, but I have my book back. I don't really care how I got it back, but I did. You didn't go about it the correct way but what's done is done.” She moves back and forth slightly in the office chair. I don't know how to take what she just said to me.

“Are you sure?” I ask, this feels to good to be true.

“I'm serious. But you still ignored me for two months Zayn.” Ah, the other elephant in the room. As if I could forget the other thing I did. “Why did you do that?” Her voice is rough when she asks, I can see her bottom lip quivering. I kept focusing on the book, I forgot about the two months I never even acknowledged her.

This is when I need a distraction. This is when I need the lights to flicker, or a sharp noise to come from the beach, or fuck, I'll take an asteroid hitting the building right now.

“I don't know.” I tell her. It's the truth.

“I was so confused. I didn't care so much at first because I was mad at you, but then Nonna died and I needed you.” I look up at her words, I watch as she swallows and looks away, I can't help but notice the tears settling in her eyes. “I needed you Zayn, and you weren’t there.” She shrugs her shoulders and faces her back to me, I can still see her in the mirror, God I'm such an idiot. Of course she needed me.

“I'm sorry.” I'm beginning to hate that word, I feel like it's not enough. It's simple, I need something more. “I got caught up with Donyia and her daughter, my family, my life just because focused on them and I didn't know what to do. We spent time at the hospital and then I went home and I just slept. I disappear from everyone.” It's not an excuse but it's the truth.

“You made me feel like I did something wrong. Like you were mad at me and I didn't do anything. Do you know what that felt like? To second guess everything, every step, every move, and to grieve the loss of your grandmother? I was a nightmare.” She can't even face me right now. Her face looks so broken.

“I, I can't even begin to know how you felt, I was an idiot for leaving and ignoring. I needed to be there for Doni and I just didn't handle anything the right way.” I stand now, frustrated with myself as I pace back and forth along the carpet. Why can't this just be easily fixed? I keep mucking things up when I think that I might be doing something right I second guess myself and I go a different way. It's so stupid, you would think that when you're twenty seven you have things at least a little figured out. It's always new, it's always different and every person you meet is different. Every person has a different reaction.

“What do you want me to do Zayn?” She finally turns around to face me and looks at me. Her hands are shaking a bit and I would just love to calm her but I don't want to touch her, I don't want to scare her or make her resent me even more.

“I want to just go back to the way things used to be. I don't know if we can get back to that, and I take full blame for that. You did nothing. I swear to it that you did nothing. I don't know how to fix this. I want to be with you. I want to be with you for a long time.” I find my words, that is what I want. I want it to just be her and I forever. I don't care if I sound crazy, I know I sound crazy. I feel crazy. My emotions are just right and left, up and down.

“I would love to start fresh too but I don't know if we can get there.” This is the scene in a movie when everyone is quiet in the theater, where people don't know what to do, they don't know what to feel. The part in a story when you feel like it's over for the characters. The part in life when you just want to give up.

“Where do you want to go from here?” I ask, I know my voice is shaky. This could be it for us. The final straw, the end. The tension in this room is unbearable. My legs are out of control and bouncing. I can't stop my emotions. I've never felt like this. I feel like it's been ages since she's spoken or even looked at me.

“Maybe we can go to breakfast?” She looks at me. I don't know what's going on through her head but this is from left field and I'm literally taken back.

“Just breakfast?” I don't want to read to far into things, I want to make the right decisions and not rush things. What if we get back together? What if she forgives me? Oh my god. My mind is literally racing.

“Maybe we can go slow. I don't want to rush anything but I don't know if I'm ready to move back to the way things were. But I'm not ready to just walk away.” My hopes have just soared through the sky as I don't know how to take this, but I'll do whatever I can get.

“Okay. So breakfast. I, we can do that.” I finally sit back down and I'm still on edge but I feel better. I know that I need not over react and stay calm. Stay calm. “Um, just let me get dressed first.” I've suddenly realized I'm still in my pajamas, nothing crazy, just shorts and a t-shirt. “Maybe I'll just jump in the shower quickly. Is that okay?” I don't want to make her wait for me, maybe she just wants to leave now. Shit, Zayn, stop over thinking everything.

“I'll just sit here.” She smiles slightly and leans back against the chair, tapping her feet back and forth. I dig through my bag quickly and find clothes to change into and all but run into my bathroom to shower quickly.

I don't even know if I wash my all my body, I get a feeling that maybe she's left the room, that she won't be there when I'm done which makes me rush sooner. My hair is literally still dripping when I open to door and peek my head out to see her still spinning around on the chair. My stomach drops and I just feel a million times better.

“Are you ready?” I ask, I don't know why I'm asking, I'm the one that had to get ready.

She grabs her bag from the desk and stretches just slightly and comes to my side, I can't help but reach for her hand. “Sorry.” I whisper, pulling my arm away slightly. I don't want to rush things or make it awkward.

“Um, it's okay.” She pulls at the door and waits for me to walk through. Then she reaches for my hand and laces her fingers with mine. This is real right? I look down to make sure that she's actually holding my hand and I'm not just making this up. “This okay?” She asks, using her eyes to motion towards our hands.

“Yes.” We reach the elevators and she pushes the button for the door to open. “I missed you.” My palms are so sweaty, I'm sure she's grossed out, I fee like I'm at a stupid middle school dance again.

Her smile is tight as the doors close and the elevator moves to the ground floor. Maybe she's regretting everything? Her decision to go out to breakfast? I can't help but feel bad about everything, I think it will be a while before we get back to October.

“Are you coming?” She asks as I've been zoning out, I've not realized we've reached the bottom.

“Yeah.” I take careful steps out of the elevator and join her.

“I missed you too.” She squeezes me hand and at that very moment, I just know in this moment, things will work out for us.

Notes

It's over....tomorrow!! I'll be posting my last chapter!! Then it's off to my last story ever, a Louis one. I thought about writing more after that and maybe I will but I'm ready for a writing break. I'm excited about the Louis story though so I'm ready to write and share.

Nora is a bit in a forgiving mood but that doesn't mean everything is fixed. But it's true to both of them that what they have is worth fixing. :) Hope you enjoyed it!

xoxoxo