My Light

Nora's POV

I feel like I can finally breathe. Like this elephant in the room is gone, like the elephant sitting on my chest has disappeared. I feel free.

When I woke up that day, I had a dream. I was literally flying like I was Wendy from Peter Pan. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. And then I saw Nonna in my dream, she told me to let go and let things happen. So I did. I woke up, listed the shop and sold it. I helped Shelby find another job, it was easy enough for her and I was free and clear. I had a lot of money built up in my savings from living with Mama and Nonna , no car, no student loans, selling a shop in New York city with everything included is quite profitable.

Then I talked with Mama. I learned so much that I never wanted to listen about. I stopped trying to argue with her constantly and just sat and listened to what she had to say. How she always worked so hard for me, how she was so proud of me. How I had never realized how much she sacrificed for me. I learned who my father was. He was a man mama had known for a while but Nonno and Nonna didn't like him. When they had broken the news to them, they had excused my mama and talked to him. And she never heard from him again. She said she tried to look for him but she could never find him. She did once Facebook was invented in the early 2000's, but he was already married and had a family of his own so she gave up. Pushed herself into work, and quit focusing on her love life. She put herself on the back burner for the past twenty five years. And that's not fair. I had no idea. Sometimes children are selfish of their parents and looking back that's quite embarrassing on my part. I always wanted my mama to myself, well my mama, Nonna, and Nonno. I was spoiled, I didn't know how good I had it.

Life can change in an instant.

You can bend with it or break.

I think I'm doing both. If it's even possible.

After the funeral for Nonna, I just felt like I was dying. I was in physical pain, my head constantly ached, my stomach hurt, my bones were just stiff. I didn't want to move. So I didn't. My mind just felt crazy, it was constantly racing, it was constantly numb. Then I had that dream. And things just started changing. I couldn't stay in New York, I could go back and live, maybe, but I needed to taste the world. I needed to experience it, to see it, to feel it.

I had nothing to hold me back. Zayn shut me out. Like I had done a terrible thing, like I was the one that had hurt him. I knew I did nothing wrong so I didn't dwell on it. We had a great fling. I was in love. I know I still am. I could have had my pick with any gentleman in LA, or Hawaii, or Australia but I just can't for some reason. I still think of him. I miss his voice, I miss his touch. But he pushed me away. And I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to come back. I need to focus on me.

So I am.

LA helped a little bit, I just like the beach. Beaches are okay outside of the city, but it's always windy and cold. An LA beach is warm, sunny, and not so crowded in the morning. I spent time enjoying sunsets and sunrises. I thought they were beautiful until I went to Hawaii. Hawaii helped me be free. Hawaii helped me find my spirit. Then I went to Australia. I sailed, I went hiking, I camped in the middle, I experienced life. I'm healing on my own terms.

I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore.

My mom and I chatted once a week. She was going south to live. Tired of the harsh winters and the sometimes bitter people. I was proud of her. She was finally focusing on herself.

I take a deep breath and lay on the sand, listening to the sound of the waves crash into the beach, high tide is coming in as the sun is setting. I've spent all day lounging and eating ice cream. I'm staying at a hostel with some extremely friendly people from Europe. One nice person has invited me to visit her in Madrid. I might take her up on the offer once I make my way there. When I was in New York, foreign people were around all the time but I never paid attention to them, I was too busy focused on myself to focus on others. The world is a beautiful place full of beautiful people if you just stop and enjoy them. If you let them in.

The sand is still warm on my bare legs as I watch the daylight slow let go. I feel so at peace here. I wouldn't mind living in Australia. I've been so connected with life that I've forgotten about technology. It's a good thing, you forget how dependent you are on it, it's prevented me from being at peace. I still carry my phone with me but I don't take fun pictures for Instagram anymore, I take them for myself, I don't spend hours on Twitter or Facebook. I spend hours outside, talking to people. The way the world was made to be.

Nature is a beautiful thing if you just stop and appreciate it every once in a while. I'll have sand in my hair for sure but it's nothing a warm shower and some shampoo can't remove. I've made plans to leave for New Zealand in a few days, I want to hike the green mountains and of course check out the All Blacks, I know nothing of rugby but it's more the atmosphere I want to attend.

I wiggle my toes one last time before I decide it's time to head back to my room. Once the sun is gone the sand gets cold quickly. I carefully gather my things and shake out my towel I used for a small pillow, no need to bring all the sand back with me.

My phone rings and I reach around my backpack for the side pocket where I keep it. Thankfully I at least thought to add an international plan to my phone before I left or my bill would be insane. I only use it to chat with my mama, and occasional phone conversations with Shelby or Leo. I see it's my mom and I just get excited. Her and I were never close when I was growing up but just here recently it's like we've opened the door and things have gotten so much better. Moms always have the best interests at heart, sometimes it's just hard to see.

“Hi mama.” I smile, hopping off the sand beach onto the sidewalk.

“Nora.” I can tell she's smiling. That's the thing, sometimes you are a prison of your circumstances, sometimes you do things because that's what's expected of you. I loved my life with Nonna and Nonno, but there is a life after them. Mama is just finding hers as I'm finding mine.

“How are you?” I take a seat on a bench and lightly kick my feet back and forth. The wind is picking up just a little bit, that salty smell is heavy in the air. It's so peaceful here, even with people running around and yelling, it's just the atmosphere.

“I'm well, I just had a visitor.” She states and I can hear her moving around. I know she's been packing her things up. She wants to go somewhere, I don't know where exactly but I know she's tired of the snow and she can be a nurse anywhere. We're both moving on.

“Oh yeah? Who might that be?” I don't know who could be visiting her, it could be Shelby, it could be Leo, or one of her friends.

“Zayn.” My heart literally freezes. Like my whole body is still. The noise from the waves crashing, the people laughing, it all goes away. “Nora?” I haven't spoken, like my voice is gone.

“Yeah, I'm here.” I smile, it's a fake one but that doesn't matter. From the outside looking in things might look fine but the inside looking out it's a mess.

“We talked about you.” I snort just a little bit, of course they talked about me.

“Okay.” I'm still processing. I wanted to just let go of Zayn and move on but it's always like once you forget about them or try to push them behind you they come from left field.

“Nora, I could see on his face that he was sorry, that he was upset that you were gone.” She starts.

“Yeah, but mama, I can't sit around and wait for him to come back. He left, he hid that book from me, he never called me. I was so worried about where he went. If it wasn't for the internet and their stupid articles I would have never known that he was back in England because his niece was born early. I did nothing wrong and so I didn't need to sit around and wait for him.” It's the truth. You can't just disappear from someones life and expect everything to be okay.

“I told him to call you.”

“Mama!” My lips are pursed as I roll my eyes.

“Nora, I saw you both for months, you have something special, don't let what happened to me happen to you. If you let them go for too long you'll miss something that could have been. At least talk to him, doesn't mean you have to see him, at least make peace with him if you want to.” I finally lean back against the bench, may she's right. I can at least have some closure.

Notes

Thank you all so much for the amazing response from the last chapter I posted! We all know this story has been difficult to write because of the circumstances but I'm happy that people still show an interest in it, you are all still reading, commenting, subscribing, and voting. It means so much to me!!

Have a great day!!

xoxox