LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV


It's a well known fact I'm stupid when it's comes to talking sensibly or trying to tell someone something. I know I'm stupid and such a dumb fuck that if given a chance I'd sabotage my whole life and the ones I love.


Louis rushed back into Gemma's room and locked himself in. The last he said yesterday was that I shouldn't speak to him ever again is something serious.



That's the only thing that's been roaming around in my head since he left to lock himself in the room. And not only is this, the other things he said which shock my inner self and why he’s like this self explanatory. I shouldn't have said what I did. Yeah I know it's bullshit taking back what I said because what's said is said and he's hurt and nothing's going to change that even if I beg him to talk to me or if I beg him to forgive me. Beg him to not think too much. Beg him to not change his perceptions about me. Nothing would change.


His opinions about me have changed. He's never going to look at me the same way he did when he first entered this house and he's never going to kiss me the same way he did. I can't even be sure if he'll ever kiss me now because it's changed. Everything's changed and I did it. I don't even know if we'll ever have a connection, physical or emotional, anything after what I did.


And this is all happening because I'm not able to give up a sick fuck for him who ruined me and is now ruining him.


It's a Saturday and nothing could be more fucked up. It's his off. It's my off day too. He works Sunday afternoons for his piano thing.
The door is still locked tight. I mean I didn't check it but he hasn't come out of the room yet.


What should I do? Should I go and knock at the door and ask him if he's awake? Not really happening because he would never reply. Why would he even reply? What does he owe me?


Nothing at all, nothing.


I'll make breakfast and maybe he'll come out of the room and eat because he's hungry. That's what I would do if I was hungry.


I walk to the kitchen picking up the take out I got yesterday.


As I enter in I hear the door unlock and I guess it must be Louis. Who else? This is not a horror
show anyway.


The soft padding sound of the footsteps is lazy but closer to me now and the whole body appears in front of me.


"What are you making?" He speaks up rubbing his eyes. He doesn't look up. Rather keeps himself busy by scratching his head. And the more I pay attention the more tired he looks. The shabbier his clothes look. Like they were crushed purposely. Liked he might've curled into a ball or something. It feels really sad to me because this is all because of me.


How am I effecting this many people's lives all at once? How come? How do my actions affect other people and especially the ones I love the most? How is this even happening?


Every time I've thought about this since the last night my inner self crashes silently and no matter how much I'd want to build it back it won't happen. It won't happen. My soul doesn't exist anymore. That's what I think because of if I had my soul I wouldn't have been doing all this. This wouldn't have reached this far. It wouldn't be what it is now.


He stops suddenly looking around and walks up to the fridge taking out a juice pack. And turns away from me. He's probably going out. Shit.


"I made...i-i mean I'm making eggs and bacon. You can wait at the table if you'd like" he opens his juice bottle and takes a sip.


"Thanks" he mutters and walks away.


I don't know what it meant but I should hurry up before he locks himself up or goes somewhere.


This is so frustrating anyway. He's just trying to get away from me. Away as far as he can be right now. He didn't even look at me. Am I that bad? Are my actions so disgusting? Am I so pathetic? Do I embarrass others when I'm with them? Is this where it ends. Just a stupid mistake.


Louis' POV

I wish I could just look up and just keep looking at his face. His weary look. Like it's what he's made of. Like this is what he was born with. I've looked up at his face between the bites I take in. I don't even feel like eating. But I should eat and he should also eat. I don't think he had that Chinese he got last night. And with whatever he's up to these days he needs to feed himself. So I eat to watch him eat. At least I can make sure something is going right.



"Are you going to pretend it's all fine here?" He speaks lowly chewing as slow as he could on that note so that he won't have to speak again. The slower he gulps the late he will speak again.


I look up at him out of surprise as to why he just said that.


"Do you think I am?" I gulp in faster than I should've and now it's stuck and I'm coughing my lungs out and he's handing me a glass of water and I drink it, finally calm.


He doesn't say anything. Maybe he shouldn't.
Fuck! I feel so bad inside when I look at him. And it's not that I have pity or sympathy. It's just I feel bad, just bad and little sad for him. Maybe that's what pity is. I don't know but he certainly doesn't want that.


He doesn't say anything. His plate is clean. He's finished eating. So he looks up.
"Then how long Louis? How long? It's difficult. I ca--" he stops in between. Doesn't continue talking and I don't know why he stopped. Maybe I'm difficult to talk to.


He looks down again.
I should ask him actually. "Harry?" I want his attention, "Am I difficult to talk to?" His frown changes into a surprised look. I should've known this coming. His expressions tell me that I am a difficult person to talk to. That is what I've been thinking.


He just stares for a second and maybe I had my answer when he didn't speak up. I knew I wasn't the one I thought I was.


"Are you crazy?" His voice louder than before, "seriously?" His hand reaches out to mine but I shift. I don't know what he's saying.


"Seriously Louis?" You are not a difficult person to talk to. Not today, not yesterday and neither tomorrow. You'll never be difficult to talk to" he curses under his breath suddenly and gets up picking up the plates with him, "it's not you" he sighs a little and walks to kitchen.


"Harry wait!" I get up but he's faster right now. I'm not a morning person and I fucking hate everybody right now.
"I-i.." How do I say it? He's washing them as I enter in. "I want you to talk to someone"


He doesn't stop doing what he's doing. "It-" I shouldn't say this. He'd be offended and anyway I don't think we're in terms of talking right now. Not in a nice way.
"It-it's someone who could help...--" I shouldn't have said help. "I mean someone with whom you could share what you feel an-.." Why did I decide to say this? Fuck me! "You could share with them your feelings. You would feel better in a way" shit shit shit shit shit. I shouldn't have said it. He's offended I'm sure.


"What do you exactly mean?" He asks calmly. His voice a bit firm but he didn't sound offended.


"I mean you should talk to a person. Someone who’s easy to talk to"
He stops washing the dishes, his shoulders slump.


"Louis I told you it's not you. You're not difficult to talk to. I could talk to you for hours and I'd still not want to stop. Don't take it on you" he doesn't look at me when he says this. Yes he did sound tired enough.


"I want you to see a therapist, Harry" I gulp in. Fuck I shouldn't have said things I wouldn't do myself. I hate a therapy.


He holds the edge of the sink. His knuckles then turning white. But he shakes his head. Standing straight back again. Turns on the tap and continues washing the dishes.


"I've told my therapist about you Louis." I couldn't have just heard this. I couldn't have. It hits me
like a bullet just passing through my chest digging a hole in the middle. I feel like a fool. I'm stupid to even think good for somebody. What's my use here? Why am I even here? What am I doing here if he doesn't need me? Am I just someone he feels like to have? Am I still just a guy who lived on rent here?


I turn around and I'm faster on my feet than I'll ever be. I run to our room. I don't want to see his face. I jump up on the bed and pull the covers up till my face. I don't want to fucking feel anything right now. This is just cold hearted betrayal.


This is shit. I spent all night awake thinking it was me. Maybe he didn't want to talk it at all. It's difficult. I can understand. Who would understand things better than me? I can't be selfish anyway.


There are people who've had worse than me, far worse but that doesn't mean I can't cry and be sad for the things I've endured. That doesn't mean people get to point fingers at me for being selfish.


I don't want to feel it. These things I feel. This hot wave of blood rushing. This emotion. I just want to scream it out all the glasses break. I don't want to see anyone within a 100 mile radius. I don't want to feel this. I want to bite onto something. Maybe like a chew toy. If I could just get it out and not scream. But I want to scream. Let it out of me.


I hear feet padding behind me slowly and the mattress compressing just behind my back.
I said I didn't want to feel anything. Why does he now think he could make me feel want I don't want to? How does he do that?


"Hey Louis...” He says so calmly, his hand on my shoulder, like it's all so good. Like we're good. I mean why doesn't he ever understand the seriousness of the situation we are dealing with here?


"Don't touch me" I groan shifting a little away from him, covering my face with the duvet. The duvet smells so much like Harry's lavender and lemongrass shampoo.


"I don't even know what to say to you Louis but just look up. Just look and listen to me" he pleads. He sounds like he's pleading. But he always sounds like he's pleasing so I don't know if he's actually real this time or what? Just another day the same old shit, he cries. 'Oh it's difficult, you don't understand' and shit. He's going to cry I'm pretty sure about that.


"Okay!" I turn around. Let's give him another chance. I get up and sit, the duvet covering me till my waist. "I'm listening c'mon!" I'm so freaked out right now that if he comes near me anymore I might just have to jump off this bed. I want to be so away from him right now. So away I can't smell him near me. So away. I feel so betrayed I might just vanish. I don't even know why I feel betrayed. It's not that he's obligated to tell me everything but I guess it’s just that maybe we share something between us that I can’t explain and it wants me to feel responsible for him and if he's hiding everything I don't think this is what I signed up for.


He looks at me like he's surprised I got up to listen to him, but he sits straight pulling his legs up to cross them. "I know you're mad, really mad at me"


"That's good. At least you know something" I scoff and he clicks his tongue irritated.


"I know we made a deal. A deal about---"


"Oh thank goodness you remember things" I shake my head and he groans irritated again.


"You said you were going to listen. Don't interrupt me then" he sighs


I stare away from him folding my arms, "Okay Mr. Styles go on"


"Its not that she's my first therapist. I've ha--"


"You've had more?" its stings so bad I want to punch him but at the same time I want to be away.


"Stop doing that!" his hands fly and pat his thigh. "Don't interrupt me if you really want to listen"


"OK ok, Harold go on" he sighs at that name. I'm enjoying it no matter how mad I am right now.


"I've had enough problems in the past, since the day I've been born, you know, and since I could learn to read and write I've been visiting infirmary and I don't even remember when those infirmary's turned into hospitals and hours tuned into days." I really want to know why that happened but I let him speak. He only sometimes speaks things that actually get into my head. otherwise he's always a philosophical saint.
"Hospitals, doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, they're all a part of me and it’s like I'm used to them, like I'm visiting my cousins or something. It’s nothing new. It’s never been knew. I'm used to the dead and the stink hospitals smell like. I don't hate it. It’s just usual. "


It hurts me when he says such things. No matter how much you visit the hospitals it’s still a scary place. I can't imagine how he's used to it.
He's quiet now. He doesn't say anything. Maybe for a minute I guess but then he speaks up, "you're not saying anything?"


"You told me to listen" I tighten my folded hands. He sighs his neck loosens and doesn't look at me.


"I didn't mean that" he mumbles. His curls over his head are always messy and greasy. His head it’s huge.


"Since when?" I ask him and he looks up frowning. Like he's not sure what I said.


"hmm?" he asks.


"Since when harry?"


"What?"


"Since when have you been seeing a therapist?"


"Like from the beginning?”


"No!" I don't want to know about that, "Since we...I mean since us"


"Since my injury. I mean since we both were admitted but I got released before so I had to. Dr. John, he recommended. He's the only one who knows everything that's ever happened to me and Gemma too" he doesn't look at me when he says this but he says it like it’s forced. like he doesn't want me to know but still he's trying and he wants to give in.


Before I can say something he looks up again, his eyes weary, his face fallen, "Look Louis...” he chokes a little.”Louis I'm sorry, you know, I mean this doesn't make sense. No matter how many times I say sorry. It's not going to change the horror I made you see. The horror you had to see. I mean nobody deserves this Louis. I forced you into this and I couldn't sleep these three nights imagining what you would've been through. And as for me, I seriously didn't have a single idea how I ended up doing it.


"Everytime I come back from my therapy, I’m all set to give it up. I'm all set to leave my past where it is and start again, then things turn up all of a sudden and I'm trapped and then I don't know how and what makes me do it and I'm back to square one." he sobs holding his hands, intertwining his fingers and then he slowly traces his thumb on those fresh cuts, like it's a habit, which still looks sore like it was yesterday, "I so want to make it stop...it fucks me up Louis, it's been fucking me up all this while. It's been 4 years. Four fucking years..." he looks up all teary eyed and if he speaks up again, anything, all I'm going hear is his sobs because that's all I can hear now. He swearing right now when all he was concerned about was not swearing indicates he's troubled. I mean I want to hell him of course but I don't know the root problem of all his problems, how am I supposed to help him if I don't know that? His fingers dug on his cuts and presses on them.


"Don't do that, please ..." I rush to remove his hand from them. I can't anyway look at that because then all that comes to my mind and stays there floating is his floating body in the bath tub. It flashes every time I close my eyes. It's sick in a bad way.


"I care..." he begins in a trembling voice, "... I care so much that I do not know how to tell you without it seeming inconsequential compared to how I feel. Even if I'm distant at times and seem as if I do not want to be with you, it is only because this scares me, too" he gulps down, "I'm scared I'm going to hurt you, change you if you stay with me any longer. I'm scared I've already done that and you haven't even realised" He breathes heavily moving his hands to his face and wipes off. He's controlling too much now. Maybe he's hot his head back. Like the real one where the brain is stored but there's something right in what he's saying.


"Harry its okay to be scared. Everybody is scared of something that's not predicted or known.
You know you don't have to act strong if you aren't. It's perfectly fine. “I don't even know what to really say but I'm just saying things which were once said to me and I gave in my difficult self for something so good in return, I cherish it till date. I cherish it now. I feel it now why people always want you to put the past aside and move on. Why they want you to move the fucking on! Harry needs to do that.


He sits back a little, deep breathing and calming in, tying his hair up. "I'll tell my therapist about this. She'll be so happy. "


"Yeah, maybe"


The doorbell rings startling both of us and he gets up walking out of the room. I don't know why but I kind of feel he's taking baby steps but he should've at least thought about telling me something or maybe must've asked me if I needed something. I know its baby steps but am I asking too much? Why am I here if all we're concerned about is him? Fuck! Why are even these things coming up in my head? I've never made myself be this selfish but why now? Maybe I'm jealous or maybe I envy his doctor because she knows everything and I not a single bit. It actually makes a lot of space between us. This gap. no matter the closeness we share, this gap is a lot worse than how much close we are.


I can hear Niall and Zayn in the hallway and there's someone else too. Probably a female. I walk out and oh there is Ms. Laura.


"You're so godamn lucky and I'm so so jealous.." zayn punches harry in the shoulder lightly looking obviously "friendly-mad".


"Why?!" harry backs off with a scoff, "Why am I the lucky one all of a sudden?" he scoffs again and Niall and Laura stand closer than ever and I can see the ring flashing on her fingers. OH my god! he did it already!! oh my god! I couldn't be happier.


"Niall?" I almost hurry up to him, "Laura?" I look at her and I’m standing just in front of them. "Congratulations guys!" this is great, "this is amazing!!" I hug both of them together and they squeeze me back.


"Thankyou Louis!" they shriek back. oh my this is great. "how long have been seeing each...like now that you're engaged?" I laugh and seriously I can't stop showing my colgate smile.



"well we've known each for like 5 and a half years but I asked him out 4 years back" Laura says.


"You.. asked him out?" I ask Laura it’s totally taking me out of surprise. she’s a bad ass.



"Yeah I did...he's a looser in such things. He's always been a loser" she nudges him lightly, playing. Niall laughs in return just adoring her.


"You Guys! it’s great.." I seriously I’m always at loss of words when I have to express something so good. something which is as great as their relationship, I don't have any words for that. Nothing and it’s such an overwhelming feeling inside me right now. Ah! I'm just full of it.


Harry and Zayn and chatting amongst themselves and I don't know what they're blabbering about. but then I turn to them and I hear words such as best man and marriage in the same sentence and then there's this urge to ask what happening. "What are you guys talking about? Best man? who’s marrying now? You Zayn?" and when I say that everybody's staring at me.


"What?" Zayn looks at me like I sounded like some idiot and he chuckles, "No.? I’m not the one marrying. don't you know?"


"No I don't" I get irritated. What are they hiding? "what is it you guys?" I turn to look at harry and he somewhat looks guilty. like it was his duty to tell me and he didn't. and He should've.


"Um Niall and Laura here are marrying. Like real soon and-" Zayn stops. but what? they just got engaged. Oh my god! shit. this is too much information already. I didn't have words for their relationship and now fc! now what am I supposed to say. I mean I’m happy. too happy rather and then again I’m at a loss of words. Fuck!


"Oh my god! Seriously guys. This is so much news in a day. In five minutes I guess. I am so so happy you guys. literally...'


"Thankyou Louis."


"And.. and I’m Niall’s best man" harry speaks from my side.


"What?' I couldn't have known anything more today.. this is it. this is too much. what the hell! "you're best man and you didn't consider telling me any of this. what kind of a best man are you really?" shit. it came out harsher than I wanted it be.


"I just.." he shakes his head."i was just waiting for the right time.."he says not looking at me.


"but ser-'


"We guys would give you like two minutes. We'll be waiting in the hall" Niall says and they walk away to the hall.


"Seriously Harry?” I couldn't have been madder right now. Nothing else can make me madder. Nothing else. "What the hell? Why do you think keeping things to yourself is always a better option" fucking hell.


"I was about to tell you but then everything got messed with ...we were having an argument."


"We're having an argument right now." fuck. it’s just boiling things inside me. nothing else. nothing else. not even his pleading face can stop e from not screaming at him.


"I’m sorry Louis. It’s okay. You know now"


"Yeah! When I’ve been made to look like a fool in front of everybody. Every fucking one. I wish Liam was here" I scoff


"Its fine lou-"


"It’s not fine okay. It’s not fine when you think it okay to hide things. Anything. I just can’t. We're in a godamn relationship and if you can’t respect what kind of responsibilities come with it then I don’t think you’re ready for anything. I mean grow up Harry. Grow up or I’m done with you and your stupid antics."

Notes

yeah . there;s another chapter.

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