LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

*sorry's don't mean shit if you keep repeating your mistakes*


Harry's pov

"We'll be cancelling all our contracts with the BBC company" Simon tells me as he puts his signatures on the papers in front of him. "These are the papers I'm signing. Make sure they reach BBC before they try revoke any of the contracts"



"Why? They've been our very profitable customers. What happened?" Seriously. What did even happen.


"Haven't you seen the news? It's all over since the morning"


"No. I haven't" I inform him.


"Then you better do before our customers hit us back" he hands me the papers.


"I'll make sure they're reached" I get up shifting my chair back and walk out the office. What would even happen all of a sudden that he's ending all contracts.?


"Mr styles?" Lily, Simon's assistant stops me midway to my room.


"Yeah?"


"The 1975 and their crew is here. They're waiting in the studio. If you could just please hurry up?" She says smiling at the end. So professional.


"Oh they're here. Thank-you"



"Never mind sir"


I hurry up to my office keeping the bundle of papers their and running to the studio.


It almost took me my full day with them but they're charming as always.
I'm exhausted. I pick up the file, my bag and papers Simon gave me and I head out the office dropping them in the mail.


I seat myself in my car turning the ignition. What could be the reason he's doing it in a hurry?
I had to stop at the red light so I check the news in my phone.


"BBC's most charming radio jockey Nick
Grimshaw fired for turning up drunk"


"Drunk RJ Nick Grimshaw fired"


"Nick Grimshaw walks into the office stoned"


What the fuck is even happening here. Why would he even do that? I don't think he's this much irresponsible. He's worked so hard to reach wherever he is and now what the hell is wrong with him?


I click open one of the articles.
What happens when you think it's cool to turn up drunk and stones for work? Of course you'll be fired. There's no boss in the world to accept that you're turning up drunk and s toned for work.


Apparently according the 'The Sun' Nick Grimshaw had been turning up drunk and stoned regularly for the past week. BBC's head and CEO confirmed that the allegations were correct and what he did was right for the welfare of the company and it's employees. He even said that they couldn't just let mere employees break the ethical code of conduct and ruin reputations of our brand all across the country.



This is ..this is just ridiculous. Why would someone do that? That too Nick. He's done such hard work to reach where he is. I mean why would he want to sabotage his career when it's at its peak? God knows what he wants to do.


Fuck.


I turn off my phone and drive ahead. Who knows, maybe this is the karma hitting him back.


Louis is what makes my day. He's come out of the washroom just now and he's smiling looking at me.
"You're a little late" he tells me.


"Traffic" I tell him.



He smiles again, I don't know, turning around fidgeting with his towel around his waist. He walks past me to the cupboard hurriedly taking out his T-shirt.

I don't know what's happening.

I ignore becasue I'm too tired to pay any attention anywhere else. I walk to the washroom. I want to prepare a bath for myself. It's fully understandable if someone like me wants to go and sabotage his career.


I don't even have a career. It's more of a surviving thing for me. I don't even know why I do it. If I would and could then I would've. Maybe I would've done it already. Maybe before things hadn't happened I'd still have a group of friends a family to have dinner with and maybe a proper professional degree and something to live for.


The door knocks creaking a little open, "Er...can you...can you pass me my specks?" He hasn't entered in yet. I can see his shadow. He's dressed up.


"You can in come in..." I say. I know I'm an asshole to even feed into his head that I have a problem with being whatever kind of intimate or skin to skin with him.


"No...I'll just leave anyways" he says slowly.


"I'm actually in the tub so you have to come in.." I'm faster to step in the tub sitting down my legs in front.


"Uh OK" he opens the door a little and then stops. "You can draw the curtain if you want." He steps in before I can get myself into thinking anything else. He's looking down becasue I haven't drawn the curtains. He's careful with the steps. His eyes are glued to the slab beside the radio where he kept his glasses.


"Hey..." I begin to say. "Could you pass me the shampoo?" My throat turns dry all of a sudden when his face turns to look at me.


"What?" His throat too went dry,I suppose, because he licked his lips thrice and bit on them while he picked up his glasses from the slab.


"Shampoo?" I ask him again.


"Uh..Shampoo?" He confirms gulping in like he's distracted or something. His eyes are fixed at tattoos on my chest. "Uh..yeah..ok" he looks around his tongue licking his dry lips. I swear to god it couldn't have been anymore slow. The way his tongue swirled over the plum softness of his thin lips. I could taste them in my mouth. My tongue


"Here" he hands it to me not looking where he looked a few seconds ago.


"Thank-you" I take it from his hand while I'm seated in the bathtub in my underwear, water up my chest.


When I take the shampoo away and he's still not sure what's happening I sure as hell know what is going on in his head. His face, it's crimson red. His freckle ever so bright on his glowing face. His eyes bright as ever looking down through his long eyelashes. I can never be not fond of his eyelashes.


I can never not be fond of him.


He turns around abruptly. His hand pulling away roughly as he quickens to the bathroom door exiting out and shutting the door immediately.


I don't know what went wrong here becasue I tried to put in all I had without rushing anything and without doing something that made him uncomfortable but what would've gone through his head when he rushed out I don't have any idea.


Maybe it was me he thought about. I don't know. Maybe he still thinks something is wrong between us. Maybe it is. Maybe I am the one whose forcing it. Maybe I led him too early.


Maybe it's my fucking heart and my fucking brain that can't coordinate with themselves. It's me. It's always fucking me who rushes things. It was me then and it's me now.


I know how freaking shy he gets at such moments. I know he couldn't have thought I would allow him in after I screamed at him the other day about not knocking. It's me that I can't let people in when they really need me. I'm always wrong timed.


The fact that Nick has ended up in a dungeon full of spiders and bats includes me somewhere or the other. Maybe he just wanted to make sure i was happy that day when he came to talk to me. I'd never seen him so hurt. I'd never seen him so pleading and I rejected him, all because I thought he hadn't changed and he hasn't. The fact that he's ready to hurt louis and moreover himself just to get my attention towards him makes me shiver inside.


It's me. It's always me and I don't know how much of it I still have left in me to see Nick suffer. I don know. No matter how much I'd want to deny the fact that I hate him to the deepest cores of my heart, I'd still run to save him if he's standing in front of a speeding truck.


I don't know. Maybe it's just that I was brought up this way. Maybe that's what I've been taught. To help others no matter what. Even if they ended up ruining you.


No wonder I am like this. I can't hurt a fly. I would never. I can't see someone cry. It's what i hate about myself. While I was in treatment I would hear my mum and dad and sister sob beside me while I was in coma, and all I wanted to do at that point was to wake up and tell them not worry and go to sleep. And maybe that's what kept me alive. And maybe that why I'm alive.


Louis' POV


Fucking shit. Fucking fuck. Fuck. Fuck That. FUCK!!
What the fuck just happens I don't know but it certainly led me into having a cardiac arrest. I am 120% sure I had a panic attack while in and maybe I'm still in.
Fuck! I'm sweating.


It's new. Not me. Harry. This Harry is new. This is the changed Harry for good. I don't know what changed him. But looking at him and him leading me closer, its not just something you get overnight. Insecurities take time and he did it well. I'm glad.


But now I guess I should leave my specs in the bathroom more often.



Gemma left for new York in the evening around 7. She said is should actually take care of Harry that she isn't here. AMD I did promise her like I should and I'm sure I'll do.

And with how Harry has changed slightly I'm sure there goods things in line.


Harry's POV

I didn't know how much time I'd spent and God knows doing what inside the bathroom but when I woke up I had a bandage around my left wrist and then I couldn't be any less horrified.


The thing that followed next was me jumping out of bed and checking the bathroom. It was clean. I checked the clock it was 2 a.m. I never knew I repeated this shit on my wrist and passed out later on.


But then I strain myself into remembering how this happened and there's a blurred memory of me crying myself into repeating what I usually promise I wouldn't repeat.


It's a sicking feeling. It itches like usual. It's nothing knew but I'm more worried about the one who bandaged it up. I'm more worried about where he is and I'm more worried about what he would say and I'm more worried about how to face him.


There are these flashbacks of voices I'm hearing in my head. A muffled scream and the my name being repeated, my cheek being patted asking me if I'm okay. And that's it. This is where it stops.


I'm in pain. Not for myself but for the person who didn't deserve to see me like this. For the person who is too innocent to face what's wrong with me.


I walk out the room, cat pawed, silent enough. The lights are out. I light up the hallway and there is no one in the hall but the breeze that's hitting me I'm sure the balcony doors are open.


I look and Louis isn't here. I don't even know what led me into doing this but maybe it's just out of habit. Louis isn't here and without Gemma, this house is back to being creepy.


Gemma made me promise to be safe but it's like I don't care. It's like Gemma isn't a big deal for me but guess what she is and if she knew about what a fucking fuck thing I just did, she's coming back to slap me hard. Not just slap me because now I can't even imagine what she'd do.



I walk upstairs to check if he's there. But he's not and i come back. I check for Gemma's room and I can hear snores. Like he usually breathes it's light but today is different. It's more rough. It's with more breaks.


I sit down beside him and he jolts up immediately, his breath breaking his eyes red, not swollen and curses lightly, not much sound made. He sits up his knees to his chest and puts down his head.


I bring my hand to his back,"hey" I whisper almost moving my hand over his back and he flinches but this time he flinches hard trying not do something.


"Don't touch me" he growls after a few seconds. He shifts a little away. It did hurt a little to see him react this way and I think it's acceptable after what I did.


"I know you're angry" I say, sighing.


"Damn right I am!" He exclaims loudly. "And you're what? Sorry for it? That's news" he mocks me.


"Lou please listen to me" I plead almost. His face it's turning into a frown, an angry frown.


"Don't 'Lou' me okay?" His voice breaks and his face changes. "I know what's fucking right and what's fucking wrong here. I know you don't have a care in the world of what people think of you. And that's good. Great even" he's rambling now. But I need to listen to this. He needs to be heard with every break in his voice. "For a moment there today I was happy about something and then a few minutes later it's all trash. It doesn't mean a fucking thing to you and that's also okay. But your life here, right now belongs and depends and supports lives of many such living beings who would give more than just a shit if something happened to you" a tear rolls down his cheek and i shift closer to him but he raises his hand. "Stay" his voice firm.


"Louis I'm.."


"What? Sorry?! That's how you apologize for this thing you did? Cool. Apologize by not repeating this fucking thing you do!!" He screams. His face turning a little red. "Don't just fucking repeat it and you'll be forgiven!"


"D-don't scream at me please. Calm down"


"Calm down? That's good. What if Gemma calls up and asks? How am I suppose to lie to her? Gemma out of everyone. You may not know this but she gave me a responsibility. Your responsibility. To take care of you. And now what? A few hours since she's left and there's blood already!! God!"


"Lou please just calm down now. It's okay. I'm fine"


"Oh! You're fine? It's okay? Okay then. It's okay. It's OKAY!" He mocks. "Wow. Harry. It's okay! how can you be okay if there's blood involved?!"


"I didn't mean to..."


"What the fuck did you mean then Harry? What the fuck? What the fucking fuCk." He screams and then cries. Tears rolling down and he brings his knees closer to his chest more. "What the actual fuck were you thinking? I was waiting for you at the dining table. I'm waiting and it being more than an hour. The water is still flowing. I mean I'm still thinking you're in there having a bath. But then it's gets too late and I'm suspicious " he wipes his face suddenly. Trying to behave somewhat stronger. "I enter in and there. There. I stop even before my eyes blink. I stop before I can take a second step in. Because it's blood. Blood makes me faint. But something else made me sicker. There's blood flowing instead of water."


Tears keep rolling down and all I can think about is the horror he had to face because of me. What if he had fainted there on the floor? What if something had happened to him? Fuck!
"It's was just .." He hiccups and I wish I could've held onto him. No matter how much I'd like to walk up to him and hold him there while he rambles his horror out and calms down from his panic attack. "It was just so horrible and ugly to look at. "


"You don't deserve this louis" I tell him.


"Hell I don't. Nobody does. Not even you. It's proper shit. It makes me sick to my stomach that there are things that happened that you're willing to keep to yourself rather than sharing them and in return you're also willing to hurt yourself for keeping it a secret. I don't know what fucking thing led you to do this but I'm sure that it's worth sharing"


He gets up angrily. Stomping around the bed out of the room. I get up hurrying to catch him on his way. "Louis please wait" he's fast at his feet. He's always fast at his feet. I run and catch him by his wrist but he's still fidgety.


"Wait. At least just listen to what I have to say."


"What do you even have to say now? That you've done everything that you could've"
Fuck it.


"You're acting like it's all you louis."


"Oh so is it all you then? Does this thing, you just did, concern only you? Does this drama that's been created concern only you? Does you not being alive in this world anymore, affect only you? Does you ending your life end the pain for you? Huh? C'mon tell me, I'd like to hear about it"


"It's my life, I'll do what I feel like okay? Nobody gets to dictate it."


"Oh my god Harry" he laughs. "Nobody's dictating anything. Nobody is forcing anything. You're talking like a teenager." He scoffs again. "It sickens me to my core, you know, to even imagine you lying in the bathroom like that. Imagine what kind of images are playing in my head."


I'm holding onto his wrist tightly. I don't know what to say to him now. I don't know. I don't freaking know what to do. "Thank-you louis" I mutter not looking at him.


"Thank-you? For what exactly?" He tries to loosen the grip.


"For making this back to normal. For not letting it become a disaster" his face changes completely. It kind of falls. He doesn't look angry anymore. It's a soft look. He looks tired kind of. He needs something which I don't think I will ever be able to provide him with.


He opens his mouth to speak but then shuts up. But he tries again, his chest rising up and down frantically, he's trying not to cry because I can see his lips quivering and his hand, he's shaking a little. "It'll be very nice not to see you like that one more time because..." He pauses taking a deep breath not letting the tears roll down, "becasue if I did I'm sure as hell coming with yo-u" he removes his hand from my grip shaking, tears covering his face and runs back to our room banging the door shut behind him.


What the fuck! Fuck fuCk!!


I run to the room, thank God it's not locked. I enter in and he's setting the pillows roughly and then steps up, lies down pulling the covers to his face.


"Louis! For god sakes please!" I hurry up to the bed to him and just sit beside him. "For gods sake please tell me you didn't mean what you just said" please I don't even know what to think of it. I don't even know what to confer, that if he really meant it or if he's just playing. But he never does play like that. He never does. He wouldn't play me on something so serious. No he wouldn't. Why the hell would he anyway? And I saw him when he said those words. He wasn't playing.


"Lou please" if he won't answer i will cry. I won't stop if he doesn't answer. "Please.." I'm about to give up.


"Shut the fuck up already, okay. Just.." He shouts. He's screaming so bad I could see his nerves propping up. Shit.


"You're swearing a lot now. It's enough." I say. It's too much to take in when he's saying things which are serious enough to put any of us in danger and especially him.


"You don't even know what's happening here Harry. You don't even know" he speaks up. This time his tone all firm. "You think this hurting yourself thing effects only you. Only you. But it's not that way. It's not. Think about it. It's your life I understand that. Nobody can understand this better than me and I'm giving you the full freedom of doing the hell lot of things you'd want to do. But not this. I can't let this happen and pass it away as 'it's-going-to-be-an-okay' thing. I can't because I don't know the reasons. I don't know it.


"I'll never be able to know why you're hurting alone Harry. I would never know why you hurt yourself like that and may God forbid something happens. I'll never know. And I won't be able to live with the fact that I wasn't close enough to you to know the reasons why you did this all the while. I sure as hell want to make it okay. I don't know if I can but I sure will want to. I'll want to try everything. " his voice hasn't broken yet and with every word that he's saying it's not just blabbering or rambling, it's full of sense and I don't know why every time he talks like this my heart swells up with the love he has for me and I don't know if anyone else has ever loved me enough and will love me this much to give up everything of his for me.


This shouldn't have dragged this much. I shouldn't have let this talk till here. I shouldn't have let this. This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't be hurting him and he wouldn't have been going through this right now. Its hurting more than the open cuts on my wrists. It's hurting more than my lip biting. It's hurting more than my empty soul because i should've thought before ruining this for us. Ruining this for him.


He gulps in holding back the tears at his water line, "just try me Harry. I know it would be big deal for you. I've never forced it out of you and I never will and ple-ase don't think that right now I am forcing you. I just want you to try me"


It's the last thing I want to hear. I was afraid of this and now it's standing in front of my face and no matter how hard I want to punch this question away I can't. I can't. It's breaks me apart to even think about how he'll react if he ever got to know.


I can't look at him, "it's not this easy Louis"


He caresses my knuckles, holding my bruised hand in his, "it's not that difficult too"

Notes

i would like to repeat
*sorry's don't mean shit if you keep repeating your mistakes*

see? but listen to me. my exams finished kind of like way back but then i had to go for a vacation so i couldn't update this. but now that i'm back, i'll try to update as soon as possible.

thank you for staying with me whosoever is reading this. thank you. means a lot to have come this far.

thank you.
tell me if you like this change of plot or not and i'll think about your suggestion. till then vote, comment and subscribe and wait for my next update!

ps: my vacation went great!

and yes how are ya'lls summer going?