LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV


This weekend I think I have nothing to do. Though I got up at five, I don't know why.


I feel good standing here. I always do actually. This could be one of my favourite spots in my house. My balcony.


I think I need workout more but I know I'm just being lazy. Lazy enough to not even go upstairs in the last week. Fuck! I should be working out.


I walk into the hall and the doorbell rings. Who wouldn't even be at this time?
Probably some ill faced guy who doesn't know it's five in the morning and not in the evening.


I unlock the door and there, "good morning chub" Niall in his Irish accent looking kind of fresh yet just out of bed.


"Good morning" he enters in. "What's the occasion early bird?" He looks extra cheerful today. Maybe he is like this at five in the morning.


"I had proposal sex" this makes me cringe my nose but it's OK. It's funny though.


"Who did you propose to?"


"You're so drunk! Who do you think?" He seats himself on the couch feet up on the table.


"Laura?" I walk up to him.


"Yes, yes a million times yes!!" He shouts.


"What?!" He's mad but he's funny. He's niall. "Keep your voice down Gemma and Louis are still asleep."


"That's what's she said. Yes!"


"Oh my god niall, congratulations!" I shake his hand. And he returns the gesture


"You're not supposed to be shaking my hand. You're supposed to be my best man"


"What?!"

"Yeah. You're the one"


"Repeat"


"You're going to be my best man and it's done. No returning back"


"Oh my god Niall. Thank you!!"


"That's ok"


"Wow. How am I supposed to handle this news? Thank you Niall. Thank you so much" I can't thank him enough for this. This is so great. My day just got a million times better.


"I'll just go check if Louis is awake yet. Help yourself with coffee, if you want"


"What?! I thought you were my best man! C'mon where are your duties?" He's going to be this jerk whose going to be loved always.


I enter into the room filled with light snores. He's still asleep. It's still around 5:20. I'm not waking him up, he'd be pissed. Anyway I know I give him sleepless nights so he deserves this sleep.


I don't know why but my feet won't just stop walking towards him. I am walking towards where he lays. I can't see his face right now. He's lying on his stomach one of his knees perched up, his face covered with his hair. I'm closer to him now and I can see his plump lips apart lightly releasing snores. I kneel down just beside the bed. I know I shouldn't be doing this because if he wakes up its going to be embarrassing for me to be caught like that.


I remove his hair from the face, shifting them as carefully and gently as it's possible. Maybe I should stop breathing, I'm a loud breather and I might wake him up. His freckle right below his left eye. It's so pretty on his face. Everything's pretty on this pretty face. His eyelashes. I could just live there for all the days that I have left in my life. It's so beautiful and peaceful to just look at him this way. His face all glowing with his eyelashes resting, his cheekbones highlighted even more. And his lips, if could just kiss him and he just doesn't wakeup, because right now he needs his rest, I can get my urges completed sometime else.


He stirs suddenly. Groaning a little and stretching his arms up. Is he going to wake up? Shit I did that! I should run actually. I get up getting away from him. I turn around quickly.


I hear some shuffling. I don't want to look back in case he's awake.


"He-y" Louis speaks up. Shit! I woke him up.


"Good morning" I turn around nervously, afraid he'll beat me up or something.


"Could you.." He rests his forehead on his palm. His face is practically squished into the bed. "Could you get me a glass of water?" He doesn't look up. His face is still squished in. Is he feeling OK?


"Okay" I say quietly walking out the room.


When I enter in Louis is sitting up on the bed his legs crossed and his face in his hands and the duvet stuffed underneath him.


"Here" I should ask him actually, "Are you okay?" I ask him when he looks up to take the glass.


"Yeah" he says plainly as if that's the only answer he's fixed when someone asks him this question. He looks so distorted and weak from his face that I can clearly make out there is something wrong and I've woken him up enough number of times to know that this isn't just his morning sickness. He's upset, a little more than upset and he's just not telling me.


"You can tell m-" he hands me the empty glass.

"I'm fine" he looks up at me his eyebrows frowning his face sadder than I've ever seen.


"Hey.." I place my palm on his cheeks and be immediately shuts his eyes. I shift in. He's not okay. What happened I don't even know!


"Lou? C'mon talk to me?" I caress his cheek and then he breaks down crying. Shit.


"I went there only for him Harry. Only f-or him.."



"OK..." He's crying so bad. What did they do to him?


"And I ..I only went there bec-ause I thought maybe.." He pauses catching his breath. You don't see Louis crying everyday. He doesn't have to. Oh my god. It must've been something huge.


"Maybe because I thought ..like I did..owe him so-mething. Maybe a day more becasue we've had a great time together and just for last time sakes I'd go to his wedding and that'll be the last thing that happens. It ..it ends happily. Ever-ything ends happily. We just hug and forget it. And...and he ends up..he ends up..embarrassing me..insulting and humi-liating me.." He's hicuppuing now. This is, this is bad. I want to cry too now. I can't look at him this way.


"Har-" he hiccups loudly.


"Here... Drink your water." He nods, his eyes red. "Please.." He takes the glass of water from me.


"Harry why did he do that..?" He isn't going to calm down unless he's cursed the life out of him but right now it's weird for a guy who curses all the time to not use a foul word when he actually needs it. It's surprising, that's all.


I pull him close to me. I don't know what else I should do right now. He doesn't withdraw. He lets me pull him close. I bring him close to my chest rubbing his back to calm him down. I don't know what to do, I've never been the one who calms people down, I've been the one who gets comforted usually. Shit. If only I could've just learned something from it.


He stays quiet except mumbling a few words into my shirt. He's calmer and quieter now. I should ask him if he's interested in continuing his nap again or if he would like breakfast.



I pull him away gently. His body loosens, his grip lost. He's asleep already. I don't know, maybe I'm just good at this. No, I should've been bad that's why he slept.


I gently lay him down pulling the covers upto his neck. I told you he needed his sleep. He must've had a weird morning dream and that's what woke him up. No, probably my disturbing him woke him up and he just contemplated what happened yesterday and that led to the crying.


I walk out quietly to the hall where Niall's watching TV and have his coffee.


"What took you so long?" He doesn't turn. He busy with whatever he's watching. What even airs this early?


"Nothing, he just wanted water" I walk into the kitchen to get me another coffee.


"Or was it 'early bird gets the worm'?" He laughs.


"Don't be ridiculous Niall"


I seat myself on the couch opposite his. "When are we saving the dates?"


He's not listening. "Niall?"


"After 2 months" he snaps out. What happened to him? He was minute when I left.


"What's wrong?" I ask him but he's still watching the television or pretending to.


"Hey, Niall. C'mon now!"


He switches off the TV, turns around, places his elbows on his knees, leans forward, "I'm scared" he almost whispers. He looks scared. A little maybe .



"You don't have to be scared. You're ready? Aren't you?"


"Yes of course I am" he strains. "I'm scared for Nina"


"Why? She's not going to be a problem or is she?" He should've thought about all the perspectives already.



"She isn't a problem. She's gonna be my child too. I'm accepting her as she is, with all my heart and with all I have and I love her too. I'm scared about the thing that, is she going to accept me?" his voice sounds shaky. He is scared.


"I don't think I'm the right person here. I am not the one you're supposed to be asking for advice. Especially on family matter." Seriously he shouldn't be but if he is, "But if you are, you know, asking me...I think you should talk to her, Nina, alone. She's a 12 year old. She'll know if she likes you as a father or not"


"I'm not going to be her father, I'm going to be her dad. There's difference between the two" he makes a scrunchy face but yet he's so sure about want he said. "Her father just wanted to do all sorts I things but could never muster up the courage to take the responsibilities he made. He just ran away"


"Hey! Hey naill. God! Don't snap. It's OK. You're scared, I understand that." I get up from my seat and walk and sit beside him. I pat his shoulder, "it's okay. I know it's a big decision. It's a big responsibility for you. And you're not going to be alone in this. Right? Laura, she's going to be there, in whatever decisions you make. She's always going to have a upper hand. So don't be scared. Its okay. You'll be fine and you'll be great dad. I know that. And women anyways always take the right decisions they're born with it." I smile. He gives a weak smile back.


"Should I, you know talk this acceptance thing with Laura too? You know.. I mean she shouldn't feel excluded out in this conversation" he is rubbing his palms together and then wiping them off on his thighs. He's too nervous.



"If you feel that's what's right. Do it. The three of you should talk it out. Let Nina choose for herself. I'm sure she likes you. She's always had"


"Fuck!" He curses under his breath pulling his hair. "I should've thought about this before!" He starts bouncing off his leg. "What if she didn't accept me as her dad?" He hides his face in his palms.


"Oh come on Niall!!" He shouldn't be this much nervous. "Don't you think if Nina didn't like you, Laura would've told you already?"



"Yeah maybe" he thinks, his eyes a little brighter. "I'm stupid!"


"No Niall" I could beat him up right now. "Look it's okay to be nervous at this point. I understand that. But calling yourself or anybody else names is not going to solve that. Whenever you think is the right time go and talk to her. and think about how you are giving them complete new hope to be family again"


"What if she disagrees?"


"She won't. But then it was fate. You can't help it. You've tried your best in every way that could've been possible. And anyways you can always make her like you."


"Yeah?"


"Of course yes. You're a funny man, she'll like you"


"You sure?" He smiles.


"More than you are" I smile.


"Thank-you brother" he hugs me.


"Now don't make me cry! Douchebag" he chuckles a little offended.


"You said no calling names"


*******


"I want to break up with him" I don't know how much courage I must've gathered in me to say this to her. To say this to Dr. Sabrina. I mean I shouldn't say this. I've loved him more than anything in my life and I still do. I know how miserable I'm going to be if I ever did that. But I still want it.


"You don't want that" she looks surprised. Her jaw remaining a little open. But then she writes down something. "Be sure of what you say"


Fuck, "I know I don't want it but I want it"



"You yourself don't know what you're saying"


"I know what I'm saying" I grit my teeth. "I'll ruin him if I don't get away from him now."


"Has he done something bad? Or have you done something bad?" She sips her coffee.


"I-" should I tell her? No. She'll judge me. Maybe she won't. "I..I didn't do anything. It was him"


"By him you mean Louis? Is there something I should be worried about?" Her eyebrows wrinkle.


"No. No. Nothing like that" I immediately say. "I..I had an encounter with my ex/rapist/enemy, whatever you want to call him"



"Hey. Cool it down a notch here. No such words to be used"


"I can sure call him what I want to" i shrug.


"Yes you can. But there has to be certain language command to be followed. I know you understand that"


"Yeah" I nod. "I kind of ended the thing" I gulp. "Whatever it was between us" I chuckle. "I've been trying to end it from the last four years and now, fuck, it's gone" I curse under my breath chuckling.


"Do you feel good?"


"I feel better. I want think I feel better" I gulp in. I want to talk about this fuckhead all day long but I also want to punch him in the face and end it. End all of it. I don't know if I'm lying to myself or I don't know. I feel suffocated still. Like someone stuffed cotton balls into my lungs. I feel shit.


"It was bad" I continue, "he was crying. His face wet all over" I sound desperate. Fuck it. I lean forward. "I couldn't look at him that way. He..he tried to come close to me." I feel short of breath but I want to talk about it, "he touched me. I felt it. I felt it again. Things I've always wanted to feel. " I..fuck, don't want to cry but the feelings i have right now could just burst out of me if I don't say them. I want to say it. I want everyone to know how it felt to let go off him. To let go a piece off me which I hated but I still want it. "He..he tried to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss him back so bad. So bad. I wanted to feel things I felt that night before it changed into something ugly." I feel this urge inside. It's so creepy. I feel my skin crawl. I feel ants all over me. As if spiders crawl on my face. I want to run from here and I want to do things I do to escape this feeling.


I want to hurt myself so bad I might just die if I didn't.


She sighs leaning towards me. I didn't even notice my eyes were wet. She looks concerned. Her face has changed into something serious. "Har-ry.." Her voice breaks. I've never seen her so emotional before. Did I do that?, "Harry you have to let go off him. Don't you see what he's done to you? You can't even think about what's good for yourself anymore. At one point you say he's your enemy. The one who raped you, took away all the happiness in your life at a point where people discover what's in them, you were in a hospital bed trying to survive, trying to take that one breath which told you you were alive."


I taste my tears as they fall, roll down from my eyes to my lips. This is so bad. Every word she says is so true but it just doesn't get into my head how much of a chaos my life became after he did the things he did. He doesn't deserve this attention I'm giving him right now but if I hadn't seen his face yesterday, crying like he did yesterday, I wouldn't have felt this sudden urge to go back to him, however he is and however he was. Forget about everything that he's done and be with him and make it alright for him just like I did every time he was hurt.


"Harry you're hurting too much to understand the difference between what your brain wants to
tell you and what your heart is telling you. Pause all your emotions for a second, clear your head and think about what you actually want. You're so much into confusion that you've led to believe that it would be okay to leave your boyfriend, who you trust more than yourself and he does the same from what you've told me, and go back with your ex who did the things we both are aware of. He made you into someone, who at a tender age had a point of partition in his life. A point what defines your life's before and after. A point which led you to grow up so quick you don't even know what teenage was."



"You're judging me Dr. Sabrina" I give her a stare.



"I'm sorry if you think that way. You've been so consumed by what you think is good for yourself that even if someday Nick himself told you to hurt someone for him, you'd do it. Wouldn't you?"


"I..I" I don't know what to answer. I'm so frustrated in my head that right now if she told me to go stab someone or punch a wall I'd do it if it helps me release the tension inside me. "You know doctor? I just sometimes miss the person I loved, not that person who exists now. I just miss the feelings, I just miss the memories, I just miss the person I was with him.....not the person himself."



"I understand what you're saying because that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you. I just wanted you to say it yourself. All this is becasue you're so occupied in your head with things you want and you don't want, that you don't realize what you have right now. You're missing it."



"I'm not missing anything "


"Yes you are Harry. You're missing the present while you're dwelling on your past to comeback to you that you don't even know how much you've changed and transformed yourself for good within the past two months. You're trying to bring back what you were before, without accepting what you've become. And what you've become is for your own good" she smiles. It's like a knock on my head. A pretty hard knock to let me understand what she said and I think it true to a certain point. I realize it now.




Louis POV


I should've known it's just a piece of junk. Fuck! My knee hurts bad.


I enter into the room and Harry's busy typing down on his laptop. His glare shifts to me like he felt my presence or maybe becasue he has eyes and the door opened and I walked in and he saw me. But whatever. He smiles first, shifting the laptop and keeping it aside. But then I take a step and stumble a little. My knee!!
His face turns into a frown, "what's wrong?"


"Nothings wrong" I mumble as he gets up quickly to help me walk till the bed.


"You're bleeding on your forehead and your lip"

I touch my forehead as I sit up taking off my shoes.


"It's the piece of junk I travel in"


"What happened?" He helps me take off my socks.


"I was driving. Like normal. And then suddenly there's a jerk in the car, it stops midway on the road, I don't know why but it did and then I got out getting it aside but then this psycho had to pass on his bike. He just blindly came to me with his bike behind me and hit me so I fell and kind of dragged a feet or two and this happened"


"Oh Lou" he takes my face in his hands and kisses me like once. And then I look at him and three he has my blood on his lips.


"You're a vampire now. You're sucking my blood" he smiles suddenly pulling me again placing another kiss and this time deliberately sucking off my lower lip.


"You're...going...to make....me anaemic" I laugh in between and he finally stops.


"I have to tell you something" I stop him midway.


"I'm listening"


"I got a job. Like a new job. A better one, not the bakery type thing"


"Oh my god. That's great" he smiles his dimples back.


"It's at this 'The Ballet Company'. I'll be playing the piano for them"


"That's..that's great Louis. That's great. So proud" he kisses my forehead.


"It's just a piano job"


"It's a PIANO job!" He kisses again, like a peck but it's good. It's the proud kiss.



Harry's POV


"Gemma! I'm ordering Chinese."


"No! Something good" gemma jumps to sit on the couch. We're in the hall as I just announced Louis' job.


"Chinese is good" I tell her.


"Something spicy. Something Mexican or Indian" she suggests "what would you like?" She turns to louis whose lying on the couch switching channel's.



"Order anything! Not really sure"


"I'm telling you let's order Chinese" I tell her again.


"Then I'm ordering something Indian" she announces, "I don't care if you want Chinese" she says and stands up to go order.


"You guys still fight?" Louis asks gaining my attention as Gemma walked away.


"No..it's just" I say but I end up chuckling.."I don't even .."


"That's okay. I miss my siblings that's all. They're 6 of them. It's hard they'll leave you alone when ..." He pauses suddenly taking in a sharp breath. "Fuck" he curses so low maybe even he didn't hear but I'm sure I read his lips.


He resumes to changing channels and finally settling for the discovery channel.


Well the food arrived after half an hour-45 minutes but we were so chatted up with each other we didn't even realize it took so long. The food smelled so delicious and I couldn't even help myself from not pouncing on it even though I would recommend you to not have all this chilly stuff at night because at night our metabolism works slower than the morning and it's hard for the stomach to be able to digest it. So I would prefer if you actually went for a walk after having this top class spicy food.


We're halfway through our munching and drinking our beers and juices and then gemma suddenly tells us to stop so our attention is on her.


"I can't stop you know, it's getting colder with every bite!" louis exclaims.


"You can keep on munching until and unless your attention is not distracted." She sits back her legs crossed on the couch. She smiles. I've seen her smile a lot but his one is like that she's proud but she still isn't sure and she feels bad. Some shit like that.


"I .." She begins. It's like, I don't know, she wants to surprise us. "I got a promotion!!!!!" She announces so excited and then she's waiting for our faces to change and fuck I'm so happy for her. That's actually news. That's news!.


"Oh my god! You hit that bitch hard!!" Louis chuckles suddenly.


"Who?" I turn to him.




"The one who wanted to take her promotion. You got it!! Congratulations Gemma!!" He smiles extending his hand for a handshake, his eyes scrunched up so that only his eyelashes move like butterfly wings.



"Thank you. I'm so happy!" She exclaims almost jumping on the couch.


"Congrats gem. I mean wow, you're growing up so fast all the time. When will you stop?" I make a frown face trying to tease her and she punches me lightly and then I hug her, squeezing her sideways.


I think I'm pretty much a little tipsy after having so much beer and spicy food. Louis looks prettier every time he tips his head back to drink from his juice can. The way his neck stretches up and then his cute little nose scrunches a little and how his eyes shut every time he brings his head down. His face glows now, it's just different from before. It's different everytime I look at him because I still don't know, he still feels so close to me everytime I look at him but still he feels so foreign that I might touch him and I'd feel like a complete stranger. The way his eyes scrunch when he laughs his head tilting sideways his lips curving perfectly.


If I could just live in this moment and not move on with time. Because this is all I care about. They are all I care about. I have everything I want right here beside me. Smiling, laughing at each other. It's perfect.


I have Gemma, the biggest support ever since I was born and ever since I've been on this planet, getting myself into troubles unknown. Louis who I can't even thank in words because I'm too scared he'd punch me if I ever did thank him. He hates being thanked for things he does because that's what he his. He does deeds for people special to him and but wouldn't take a compliment for it. He can't handle compliments and that's the cutest thing about him. I love him. I'll love him so much forever.


But I'm afraid, I'm scared I'll hurt him because I know I will and there is no turning to that. With him being a complete stranger I hurt him back then and now when I know him and when he knows me I'm going to hurt him even more to a point he'll break just like me and I wouldn't ever want that for him. I would never be able to live with myself if I ever saw him that way. Never.





He asleep on his side. I feel so overwhelming in this situation as I stand at the door. Gemma just told me she'll leave. I couldn't hear her say that. I couldn't. I know she lying and she won't leave. It's just one of her damn jokes she uses to scare me. How can she leave when I'm here. She can't leave. She never leaves. It's me who makes her go away. She can't leave. I won't let her leave. She said by saying such things I'm making it difficult for both of us. She said I should accept that she's leaving and its time she should. She even said that Louis and I could grow more in our relationship if she's not always around.


I know she means all good. All I want is best for her and leaving is best.


She's leaving Cheshire because of the promotion. She'll have to go to New York. They're only giving it there. She lived there before my doctor called her up to live with me and take care of me. She'll be happier there I told her but i have been fighting with her to not leave. But I also told her to not worry about me and do as she pleased. She said she couldn't do that because she'll always be worried about me.


I don't know how Lou will react to her leaving but I'm definitely going to be upset till days to come because she just can't leave!


I travel around the side of the bed to my side, dimming the lights. As I step up Louis' eyes open. "You've been gone long" he says drawing all my attention to him.


"Yeah..." My mouth escapes. I settle in, dragging my feet under the duvet.


"Why is your face so...?" He shifts a little closer.


"What?" I ask him.



"Nothing" he shakes his head. And places his palm on my upper arm caressing it. He freaking sensed it. I feel this again. Fuck! His touch can do so many things. Everything's rushing inside me all of a sudden.


"Gems moving out"


"What? Why" he shifts closer.


"They're offering it in their main office in Brooklyn."


"Oh. Okay" he breathes in, "but that's great isn't it? She was already settled there. She wouldn't have much problem I suppose and anyways you can finally learn to cook"


"What? I know how to cook"


"You're lying" he scrunches his nose," all you can make is that grass smoothie of yours and other grassed boiled in water" he chuckles.


"That's a big bold lie" his lips curve perfectly and his skin highlights glowing when he's happy and teasing like that.


He turns silent all of a sudden. Just staring. His eyes moving around my face like he's watching me do something. He's observing. He yet hasn't talked about what happened in the morning and I don't know if I should talk to him but if he's not interested I can't do it.


"Big bold" he whispers. His hand lightly brushing against my arm and then he shifts my hair back. "Your hair is so straight" he laughs biting his lip.


"Straight?"


"Yeah" he laughs again. "Did you straighten them?"


"Definitely not" I can't not be fond of him right now. "I thought they were called curls but they're not as straight as yours" he smiles his finger tracing my ear.


"You see I'm a natural" he nuzzles in sighing like it was his last.

Notes

heyyy!!
i still have one exam left but i thought why not?

sorry i know its too godammn late but then if my family saw me doing this. i'd be kicked out in the next second.

love you. hope you like the chapter.

comment, vote and subscribe!!
ps: nobody knows i have been writing this fic (its been around two years now)