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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 91

Louis' POV


It couldn't have been more tiring than this. I've never had such a long drive, a busy day and then another long drive back, that too all alone. I should've listened to Harry and not left but I couldn't have missed Stan's wedding. And anyway even if I did I would've regretted it later. Even if all of them betrayed me, but that's OK because the main culprit was Calvin and he's never going to change. We can’t help people who decide not to change for good.



It's 10:30 in the night and I haven't seen Harry yet. Where is he? Because it's rare he's out this time. Maybe he is.


Fuck! It's because of me. He must've been upset I went off in the morning like that I didn't call and inform him. I should've. I should've called him when I reached. Anyway I was all alone the entire time. But fuck! He's upset and probably even angry with me.


I pick up my phone to call him. The bell rings but then it goes in voicemail. He isn't picking up. Where is he? I try again. Same thing. He doesn't pick up. I walk out of the room. Maybe Gemma knows where he went or maybe at least something.


I knock on her room door.
"C'mon in" she says.


I enter in and she's sitting on her bed with her laptop.


"Hey!"


"Hi. How you're feeling?" She types down something.


"I'm good. A lot better"


"Good. That's good." She smiles and nods.


"Yeah. I didn't disturb you though?"


"No not at all. You don't have to be so formal. It's ok" she laughs keeping her laptop aside. "Is there something....?" She pats on the bedside.


"No nothing" I chuckle. "I mean. Harry and i. We like ...had an argument."


"Oh. Relationship difficulties" she smirks. She's teasing in a way that's so, i mean subtle.


"Yeah. Probably" I shrug. "Did he like.. inform you?"


"In the morning? He told me you would be gone somewhere. He said you'll tell me."


"Yes. I was just gone to my friends wedding. It's nothing. It's just...did he tell you he would be gone?"


"He's gone? No, he didn't tell me" she shrugs so casually. she doesn't get worried he's gone like that without informing.


"Yes. I haven't seen him. I was here like 20 minutes back and now it's close to 11 and he hasn't come back yet. I was wondering if he told you"


"He hasn't told me. He kind of never does if you were wondering" she shrugs like it's nothing. "He's sometimes gone like that. " she scrunches her nose. With every word that she says my heart races with the worry that's building up.
"He loves alone time sometimes"



"Yeah but maybe he did inform you... something?"She smiles when I ask her this.


"It's OK. Don't get tensed. If he’s gone like that, usually you’ll find him on the terrace. He seemed a little stressed and twisted out. But he's fine."


"Seriously? The terrace?!"


"Yes." she sighs picking up her laptop again.


"Is he even authorized or maybe allowed to go up there?"


"He's the only one who’s allowed up there"



I don't even know how fast I'm up on my feet hurrying to the door. And maybe I did hear Gemma yelling to lock the door as I leave.


I take the lift. It's on the 10th floor and I've just started with the 2nd. Its takes forever to reach up and there and as soon as the elevator doors open cool breeze hits me. Fuck I should've bought a coat up here. It's chilling.



"Harry?" I almost whisper because I don't know, maybe what if someone catches me? What if Harry left already? Shit. I should've called him again. Maybe he would've picked up and told me where he really was. I walk out of the elevator into the cold. "Harry?!"


I hear a little shuffling. Like it's someones windbreaker making the noise it makes.
I walk to the next block behind the generator.


He's sitting there. Slouching. Smoking. His other hand inside the windbreaker pocket. He turns around sitting in his place. Looks at me and then again stares back to where he previously was.


I walk up to him faster than I could in this cold with the breeze slapping my face.


"Hey!" I say rubbing my hands and bringing them to my mouth. He doesn't say anything. Just shifts to make place for me.
I jump up and sit crossed legged. My legs won't reach the floor and I'm not going to keep them hanging.


"I figured you'd come up here and find me" he says smoking in and puffing out. His voice is hoarse. Its like when he wakes up and talks all raspy and crisp. It's the same tone when he cries but a little shaky too.


"And that is why you didn't pick up my phone or rather tell me?"



Harry's POV


I'm sitting here on the terrace falling apart piece by piece, smoking away every part that's not broken. I'm falling apart every time he calls out my name in whispers. I'm falling apart with every step he's taking towards me and every step he's already taken.


Since the day he knocked on my front door all I have been doing is falling apart and falling in love with him. Every time he looks at me all that happens is that part of me that was broken sticks together piece by piece and every time I look at him those pieces break into beautiful pieces which create him because I don't deserve to look at him. Because I just don't.


I'm falling apart as he jumps to sit up on the slab beside me. I don't know what to do. He's so close to me, our thighs touch, I feel his heat over me. And I think I lost my breath with the puff of smoke. I'm still falling apart with every breath he takes. If he could just make it all right. If he could just hold me so I'm not falling apart piece by piece. If he could just hold me. if I could just ask him to hold me and make it all right.


I've drank enough to know that it hurts to ask things you want so desperately.


I don't know what to answer his question about informing him. I missed him and I needed him in that moment and I more than need him now. I know I said things which I shouldn't have and I was out of my head and I didn't know what I was thinking when I freaking said things I shouldn't have but let's just hope he doesn't take it on his heart and just forgives me. I can't anyway straightaway ask him to forgive me. I know what shit I said. And I'm actually very sorry and feel shitty for it.


He nudges me lightly with his shoulder. I smoke in puffing out. "What?"


He smiles, shrugs lightly, I look into his eyes. Those fringes fly out of his face making them even more perfect. They're so dreamy and shining. Fuck he looks so good for me to even touch him. I might just dirty him or might just ruin him.


"I like it here" he uncrosses his legs and hangs them parallel to mine. His eyes fall on the beer bottles lying down near my feet with the cigarette buds I smoked off. He shudders, his face falls, shivers maybe wrapping his arms around himself and then sighs once.


We sit in silence. I don't know what I'm watching anymore. He looks prettier than the skyscraper. My eyes, they're already drowsy and he's making them even more. He's watching the road down and I'm watching him.


He nudges me once again chuckling and his face, I can't figure out completely but he's blushing. He looks down at his thighs and then shrugs again, shyly. "You've been staring too long, don't do that" he says so softly, softly than the chilling air that's blowing. He chuckles again lightly the wind disturbing his fringe from its place.


"I like it too though. I like your thighs, they’re so thick” he’s a mess, a blushing shuddering mess. “I come here often. I like watching you, watching the road" I take a puff in again.


"You’re doing this on purpose. You're the one who’s making it awkward, don't blame me later" he turns to look at me smiling, smirking even. "You just made a pun and I noticed. You come here often" he chuckles, leaning his head right to brush the fringes to one side.



"It's not awkward"


"It is!" He takes a sharp breath in. "I know!" his hand lands on my thigh. FUCK!


It doesn't even take me a second and I'm pinning him backwards onto the slab and my lips are on his and he's moaning ever so loudly into my mouth. And it's so cold all of a sudden but then he makes it all warm.


"Har-ry!" He places his palm on my chest pushing me away, gently.


"Wha-t?!" I try and find the touch again. But he pushes away.


"This.." He takes a deep breath, "this is not the place" his other hand caresses my arm. "Not here" his eyes shine so bright and his face. I've never seen his face cut, his jaw so defined in the light that's making it shine, a silhouette in a city so bright and under the sky so dark.



"I.. I don't care" I gulp in. i'm craving for his lips with every second that's passing by.


He places his hand carefully gently over mine where I hold his cheeks. "i know you don't"


"Then it doesn't matter. Nobody can catch us. A-and it's not wrong. We're not doing anything wrong. It’s so right"


" I know. I know" he leans into my palm and his lips quiver a little. Maybe he wants my touch just like I so desperately want his. His eyes fall on my lips and then again he's staring me into my eyes.


"It’s so right. I'll fight everyone who wants us apart Lou. I'll fight." fuck I should tell him everything.


"I know you would. But it’s okay harry. It’s more than okay. We ca-"


"No its not okay. I would kill for you Louis." he holds my arms tightly. His fingers have started to grow cold. “It’s such a cruel world out there Louis. They don't want us together. God! They don't even approve man and man in love!"


"What? wh-at are you saying harry?" he looks so confused but he's so innocent. He doesn't know the cruel world whose made me such a weak man.



"Listen to me okay??"


"I am listening" he nods quickly, a worried little, "But first lets go downstairs. It’s cold out here"


"No listen. No one, no one in this world, not even your parents, not even the ones you love and not even the ones who love you, none, not even me, have the right to judge you. Because no one really knows what you've been through. They might have heard the stories, but they didn't feel what you felt in your heart. No one Lou. No one. They can put themselves in your shoes for a second but they can't be the ones who replace you in that moment. Never" I breathe in. He needs to understand this. "You understand me?"



"Yes" he pauses. His eyes a little sadder now. “I understand it more. Every word. Let’s just go back, okay?"



"no! no!" my hands fall weak beside him. I turn away. I realize it. I realize it now. FUCK! I was up here judging him for going to his friends wedding and now I'm the one whose telling him shit. fuck! fuck!


Louis' pov


I don't know what’s happening here. its so bizarre my head spins. if only I could understand why’s he doing this?



"Harry. Now you listen to me" I say it in a little scolding way and his attention is on me. He looks at me like a reindeer whose caught headlights. As if I just brought him back from a place he was lost. As if he'd been there a very long time searching for answers he's never found. As if I am the one who’s answering them. And as if he found God.
"Listen to me or I'm spanking you hard" I scold him. My hands squeeze his upper arms and his face paused, "stop your crying now. No more tears you get that? I can't do this anymore, all this philosophical talking without even me understanding the relation to it. You shut up and just get on your feet and you're walking downstairs with me, right now" I get down, leaving his hands. He looks at me again not following what I just said. I don't want to be harsh with him but I have no other choice.


"C'mon Harold you're stepping down in the next moment " he steps down, shaking his curls and
brushing his fingers through them. I slip my fingers through his intertwining them and I pull him to the elevator.



Within a minute I'm unlocking the front door. I let Harry walk in and lock the door behind me.


"I didn’t know what time you guys would return so I had my dinner" she gets up from the dinning. "I'm leaving it here in case you guys want to"



"That's fine. Thank-you" I say as Harry's already walked into the kitchen.


Harry walks out of the kitchen carrying a water bottle. I stop him before he can head to our room. "Please can you go wash your face and change? You smell like a cigarette right now. I'll bring dinner to our room. Is that okay?"


He closes his eyes and nods. I know I shouldn't talk to him like that. I know I shouldn't. Well I'll talk to him while we're eating.


He walks out of the bathroom as I place the two trays on the bed. He looks at me.
"Don't put the food there" his voice still rough and hoarse. "You don't eat where you sleep" he sounds sad but it's convincing.


"Okay" I nod picking up the trays.


"Thank-you though" he wipes his face with the towel and keeps it on the stool beside the bathroom door.


I smile at him. He's okay I think. He seems okay. But I don't know. He's always nice to everyone in a weird way. Even if he's angry or mad or upset or not happy he'll help anyone. He'll be more than happy to do it. He's always nice to people in general. And as for me I don't know how to ask him to tell me if he's okay or not. He'll say he's okay.


I put the trays in front of the couch table. He sits down first.


We're halfway through our dinner but I've finished my half and he's had only like 4-5 bites. Probably he's just nibbling.


"Hey! C'mon finish up" I place my palm lightly on his thigh gaining his attention but he puts the fork on the table shifting back.


"No. I don't think I have an appetite" he closes his eyes frowning.



"You do have it. C'mon" I pat again squeezing his thigh. He presses his lips in a thin line.


"No. Please don't force me" his voice sounds strained, as if I don't know, he likes forcing in and letting in a lot of things inside himself. "Ple-ase" his voice breaks. "N-o" his face changes. He looks weak. He shouldn't but he does. He brings his hands to cover his face.


"Harry it's okay!" I shush him. "It's okay" he's sobbing. I can hear it. But it's like now I'm used to his emotional breakdowns every now and then. It's like I now know what to expect from him if he's had a gloomy day. I can expect him to cry himself to sleep. I can expect him to talk out philosophical stuff till hours where he's only crying and none of the words that exit his mouth make any sense to me, but I try to listen.


He leans forward his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. "Stop crying now Harry." I try to say it in the least angry tone.


I don't know what to say now. Because sometimes it's like I'm trying to shut off a part of him which just starts showing off when he cries because I can't relate anything to it. Nothing. Because I don't know what makes him have such panic attacks and emotional breakdowns every now and then. "Why don't you try and tell me what happened and I'll try to solve it out?"


He isn't doing anything except for just crying out into his hand. "Harry c'mon. You're not a seven year old. Tell me what happened, and as I said I'll try and solve it. Okay?" I rub his back. "C'mon"


Maybe he did calm down when he turned to hug me and sob himself onto my shoulder but it's so hard to make someone quiet when they're making noise you don't know the reason to. But how am I supposed to ask him when he doesn't want to tell me or he doesn't even want me to know. He mumbled something which sounded like "you can't solve it" but I don't know if I can or not until I know it.


For once after 10 minutes he pulled away, wiping away his tears. He didn't look at me nor did he finish his food. I couldn't finish mine too, well I don't have an appetite anymore.


He starts to get up but I stop him holding his wrist. He still hasn't looked at me. I don't know why? Is it me who did something? If I did I hell do wanna know. I mean I deserve to know. He's hurting all this while and what am I supposed to do? It's so frustrating that I might just run away from here. I don't want to because he's all that I have right now and as far as I know I'm all that he has. But these things keep happening between us which are so one sided and I'm just listening without even understanding. I'm not judging him for what he chose, i don't know things in his way. I don't. but I would love to know.


As I hold his wrist I feel the scars beneath my fingertips.
Jesus Christ! They're old but I can feel them rub against my fingertips. He initially didn't turn around but when he understood he did. He did turn around and sat down. He is a man of few words and who else right now could know that?


"Look Harry" I start. I turn his wrists up and he looks at a distance. Not even me, he looks
behind me. "I haven't yet glanced at these permanent marks you've given yourself. And I won't until you allow me. I know this is all about you. This conversation is about you. But for a second just look at me, just look at me Harry and tell me it doesn't hurt to even feel these on you. Tell me I don't hurt deep down with the fact that I know there are things that hurt you and I can't do anything about it because I just can't. "


His expression changes but he's trying hard to not budge. He is trying hard, I see his jaw clenching. "Please. I don't want to be the one who- who invades your privacy. It's yours" I gulp in, shit. I didn't know I'd be the one crying right now I think I will.


He looks at me suddenly. Maybe he heard my voice breaking but I don't know why he just looked at me. "Just forget what I said yesterday. I was an asshole. Just forget about it" he says plainly.


"I don't want to talk about yesterday. Talk about now." I squeeze his palms. "Please. I know you wouldn't want this. You don't want to tell me. It's OK. I won't judge you. It's your thing. You do it. I don't even want to know if you're not willing to."


He sighs at my words. He closes his eyes lightly pulling away his hands from me and crosses his arms at his chest. He begins,"I know you say it all the time, you respect my decision and I know you mean every word. I can sense it but please understand that it's difficult."


"I know" I nod. "I know Harry. I'm glad we're having this conversation."


"Yeah" he nods, his smile faulting.


"But you'd have to promise me one thing? Huh?" I'm all serious about this. "Just one"


"Depends" he shrugs.


"No it doesn't depend this time. It's a deal kind thing"


"Okay"


"If you ever feel like that, like hurting yourself and all, you'd talk to me, you'd call out for me?"


"Yeah"


"and in exchange I don’t ask about the things that made this happen. You promise? You sure about this?"


"I promise" he nods curtly. A tear drop rolling down his cheek. I don’t even want to touch him right now because I know he’s at his weakest. Its just going to worsens him.


"thank you."

Notes

hey!!

i hope this story isnt dragiing, as in, its not too so in the progress, and if it is, plaz do tell me. i'd appreciate any suggestion.

just hope you like this one.

leave a comment, subscribe and vote!!!

will love every suggestion that comes through.

love you loads! <3

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.