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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Chapter 120

Louis' POV

"When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways to find your weakest spot.To make yourself feel nothing so as to not feel anything is a waste." Call me by your name.
I watched this movie all by myself. It's lovely. I wanna cry, internally and externally. I cried, sitting on the bed under the duvet thinking about the last scene. Bu t this movie was more than its last scene. This is one of the finest works of literature of present times i've had witnessed, although 'Holding the man' will kill you from inside. I've never been a romantic movie lover but never the less I've always wanted to be a part of it. Like, experience the cheesiness because somehow something touches you and makes you feel giddy when you watch them doing cliche scenes. It's somehow unreal to me but who wouldn't want that to happen?

Harry returned really late. Looked tired enough for a warm bath and a shoulder massage and I asked him if he needed me to prepare it for him. He declined.

I let him be for a while. I've noticed he gets exhausted sometimes. He feels better after a while but when he's in that phase of half an hour or max 2 hours he needs his quiet time. I let him be in that time. And now is that time. I think

I sat on the bed waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. I watched him wipe himself, change into softer clothing, apply all that vaseline and a moisturizer and then he smoothly slid into the mattress. I watched him be himself for another 15 minutes while he just lay there, his back towards me.

But then he broke the silence and my observation, "you're being surprisingly very quiet. Are you okay?" He wants to chuckle but he doesn't, I can see it on his face. He wouldn't do it. Not now.

"Yes, I'm okay" I scoff, "and I'm not surprised. I can be quiet when I have to" I shrug.
He turns to me, "Oh? Is that so? " He smiles.

"Yes" I nod.

"So you knew you had to be quiet or were you like just, generally quiet?" He shifts close to me and rests his hand on my thigh.

"I knew you needed me to be quiet. I just wanted to be there when you need me" I shrug.
His face changes expressions of surprise to being happy, "Yes?" He rests his head where his hand was and faces me.

"Yeah" I nod and brush my hand through his long golden hair. "You've got this charming personality and a pretty face and I think if you were famous the world would die to even get a glimpse of you. I would've never guessed, if I did not know you that you were hurt by someone so much"

His smile fades for a second, "Yeah?" He chuckles next, probably just because I brought that up or because it was hard for him to believe that I thought like that. He turns his face to me,

"I think about it all the time myself, you know. That there are so many people around this world that are hurting and that no one knows about and them not knowing that everything gets better somehow. "

"Yes, it does. I am glad that you are here.." I say and he smiles, "..with me" he smiles at me more.

"I know. I'm glad too" he nuzzles in for a second and rests his face lightly there. It's like he's taking in stuff and realizing. Realizing that he's here.
It's soul-satisfying to feel him be here with all of it. I would give my everything to be like this after what he's been through.

"Do you wanna try something? Are you horny?" He looks at me again. His eyes shiny. I just
look at him for a while.

"You aren't answering me. What's the matter?" He repeats.

"I wanna apologize for Mark being here, like this all of a sudden"

"Why? I don't mind him. He's nice. I don't think he'd be much of a bother. He hasn't been of much trouble yet" He shrugs

"I hope so"

"Are you ready to be all dressed up and show off tomorrow?" He asks smiling ear to ear at me.

"Why would I show off and to who would I anyway?" I frown.

"Don't you wanna charm all the men and women out there, there's gonna be a lot of people. I can promise you that"

"What are you even saying?" I scoff, "do you hear yourself?"

"Well, don't you wanna woo them?"

"No! I don't want to, Haz"

"Why, is what I'm asking?"

"Sit up," I tell him. Why's he being like this?

"What do you wanna do?" He asks completely innocent. Is he innocent or is he playing being innocent? He wouldn't play with me, would he?

I kiss him, a little too open-mouthed. He's taken aback by my sudden action but I didn't want him to feel that. I wanted him to realize something. Just what we actually are. If he doesn't get what both of us together are, how is he going to stop asking me to woo other men?
And then he shifts closer, his mouth lingering trying to catch mine for a few seconds before I rest my palm on his cheek and he leans in and his focus shifts from my lips to my eyes, "Do you get it?"

"Get what?" He asks as he traces his index finger on the outline of my lips his focus shifting again.

"That I've already wooed a Greek god, I don't need any ordinary men" I shrug and his actions stop.
He pauses for a second, looks at me in the eye, "you say too much don't you?" His lip quivers a little enough for me to notice.

"I didn't say anything too much."
He pauses again all of sudden. Not doing anything. He looks down. Looks up, "I'll never sink in the fact that I got you as my lover"

"Well, to be honest, Harry, you'll have to. I'm not going anywhere until I've seen your teeth fall out and your goldilocks turn white. You'll have me forever and I want you to be with me forever" and there is a tear rolling down his face. He is too emotional to be Harry right now. Well, he's being Harry, crying for no reason.

"I love you" he mouths barely making any sound, pulling me in to squeeze me tight, wrapping him around myself.

"I love you too" I kiss his neck. We stay like that for a while until he's calmed down.

"I don't think that I'll ever forget anything that happened" he speaks breaking the silence we were into.

"Yeah" I yawn, "Getting over is not true. It never happens, I guess." I shrug.

"That's right" he nods, leaning back in to take back support and I lay comfortably on his chest. "It just gets better somehow, with time"

"Probably, I think we fall in and out of love all the time, and sometimes people have numerous loves throughout their lives. But you have two epic loves and no matter who you were with, I don’t think you’d ever get over or forget the other. "

"You've had two loves?" He asks with genuine curiosity. That innocent face with boggling eyes.

"You're all I've had babe. Don't worry" I wink but I'm not making fun of him.

"I don't" he shrugs. Looking away from me, blinking multiple times.
Fuck! What did I do. "Listen, even though I have serious temper problems or I might want something to happen my way and I might not wanna apologize for my mistakes too easily but I eventually will, I do. I do feel guilty for my mistakes but then it's not easy for me to say it aloud. Yes, I might not wanna listen to you and think I am the one who's always right and I might not be a nice lovely looking person that you think I am, I have my scars laying out for you, all in the open. I'll be here always, no matter what. I'll love you. I love you Remind me if I forget my promise. Leave me if I forget it but just..." fuck. I deep breath.

"You're being surprisingly quite nice right now, nicer than you smell" he smiles cheekily. Almost whispering what he says. "I love this side of yours!"

"But I don't show it all the time" I shrug, settling in after I had this burstout.

"Because if you did, you won't be you"

"Right" I shake my head, "that's exactly opposite. I'd be me then. More of me." You'd see me like that.

"Then be you"

"Only you deserve to see me like that"
He lays down for a minute. But I have this question that's been on my mind for a while now. I don't know if I should ask him but I'm certainly going to some time or the other. Dunno, probably now. "Hazza?" I brush my fingers through his hair. He'll probably hate me for the rest of my life for asking him this. He'll probably.

"Yeah"

"You said he's not in jail. None of the guys are in jail"

"What guys?" He's avoiding my question. He's going to hate me.

"You know who" he demeanor kind of shifts. Fuck.

"No, they're not" his body turns stiff.

"Would you ever confront him?"

"You're being careful with your questions" he turns his head to look at me. ,"what do you really need answers to exactly?"

"Nothing really" i try to brush off the topic quickly. "Please rest"

"Don't do this. I know you've got questions on your mind. Ask me, i'll want to answer them. I know what a curious mind can do"

"I'm sorry for even bringing it up" I apologize quickly.

"Don't be" he shakes his head, "you've got all the right to. C'mon!"

"If you had a chance would you ever confront those guys? Like talk to them?"

"Don't know if I'd like to meet all of them at once. But I'd definitely like to meet up a few or for that matter one of them"

"Did you meet them in all these years? Ever?"

"It wasn't that I met them or him. He wanted to keep connections with me. He kept coming back to my house or following me. To be honest if I had a chance to really forgive them I wouldn't"

"not even if you had to move on from here?"

"I've moved on. For me, they never showed me that they regret doing what they did. They did it and moved on with their lives while I struggled for god knows how much time. I welled myself into this world I thought I'd never come out off. I'm happy now"

"Would you send them to jail?"

"Its too late"

"No its not"

"There's no evidence"

"You said it was all over tv"

"Yes but according to tv they've spent their share of time in jail. It was never disclosed in the media that my dad paid their bails and let them walk free."

"He did that?"

"Yes. He had a reputation to uphold"

"Didn't you protest?"

"I wasn't asked. I was in the hospital for around 4 months and then before I got the news I was already shifted to a new town to live separately, to avoid media coverage. People forgot, the media forgot, everyone forgot. No one did really care. Although my mom would call me sometimes and Gemma was here with me for as long as she could be, before it got worse again and then you know the story. I'm grateful for my mom and Gemma, and all others who've even tried to think better. Now it's just some forgotten story hidden behind in the media."

"its not a story to me, Harry"

"It is what it is. Can't help it"

"Don't be like this"

"I'm not being like anything"

"You know there are times all I wanna do is marry you"

"You're being the weird one now" he chuckles.

"What's so weird about this? Weren't you who said that before? If I say that it's weird, all of a sudden"

"Yeah I did but it's different when I say that and when you say that"

"Why?"

"It just is"

"It's bulllshit"

"It is not! Don't you dare say that"

"I will. It means the same when we both say it. Believe me. We both deserve each other equally." I sigh. He's so impossible sometimes, "Coming back to what I was asking you"

"Yes"

"Don't you feel you should've talked it out?"

"I've tried my best. He never wanted to. Well to be honest he tried to make me understand why he did what he did but I really couldn't. He could never answer me why"

"Was there something that you wanted to hear from him particularly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like if you needed an answer to your why, and he could never answer it, maybe it's because you had already framed an answer in your head and you wanted it to be the reason he did what he did. " I shrug.

"I really don't know to be honest. I've never really thought about it this way. I've never really wanted to be in his shoes and think about why he did all of it" he exhales loudly.

"And you don't have to step in his shoes, that's not what I meant. I mean there's nothing on this Earth that can justify his reason for violating you. " Shit..I don't know where this is going.


"I'm sorry"

"Why are you sorry?" He frowns.

"I didn't want to bring it up. I know how it will make you feel."
He smiles back at me, "I've never had the chance to talk it all out like this with anyone. Nobody has ever took these steps to make me talk about it. I've always avoided it with my sister as well. "

"But still"

"It's fine. And to be honest it feels good to be able to think about it and end it."

"It does?"

"Yup"

Notes

Hi guys. As you can already guess i've updated.

i might update more chapters but you know how long ive taken to update this one.

Well, let me know what you think about this one. i told you i would complete this story better late than never.

Comment,vote and subscribe!

Lots of love xx

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.