LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV


"Is your work original?" I ask Mark after I heard him play his two songs. They were good. Amazing for someone whose not had professional training like ever. He's good.


"Yeah. It's original. But I mean there is always inspiration from some artist or the other. But all in all its me.." he shrugs keeping his guitar down and my eyes land on a photo frame hanging of three guys sitting around an old guy. That's probably the constant people Louis was talking about.


I get it now. I get it how much his constants meant so much to him that his granddad passing away had such an effect on him. I get why he was too upset about me not being here with him. It's hard to imagine how he must've coped with it being alone here.


"You sing more of a James Bay style. Like this folksy acoustic style. I liked it.." I stand up to see how happy they look in the photograph. I'm actually in Marks' room. He's alone here. I mean living alone.


"You like it?" He sounds like a little kid who got complimented for a drawing they did on their own.


"Of course, yes" I nod standing closer to the photo frames of different things and people. There's some awards and certificates.
"Is this your grandfather?"


"Yeah. That's Louis in the centre, I am on the left and Carl is on the right." He smiles.


"What age?"



"Louis was 5 I guess and then accordingly I was 4, so I don't remember much and Carl was 8 then. I don't know when this was taken by but as Louis says, it was somewhere around when I was about to go to school for the first time. So yeah.."


"Nice. You two look so similar though. I mean if you hadn't told me I guess i'd have mistaken you for Louis. You three are so cute" I smile when I turn


"Yeah.." He smiles back forcing it. Shit. He shoves his hands in his pocket and looks around like it got awkward.


"I'm sorry I shouldn't have..." I blurt.


"What?" He acts like I didn't know it.


"I'm sorry. Louis told me about it."


He smiled warmly. Like it's okay kind of a smile. "No it's fine. It's okay." He fidgets a little, "what would you like though? Should I order something? You've been here like since what 3? You must be hungry? I have spaghetti if you'd like? "


"Nah. It's fine. I don't feel like having anything. Thanks anyway"


"You sure because I mean there's extra cheese"


"No.Thanks.." I laugh.


"Okay" he sits down at his desk to do something. He's probably making notes. I sit on his bed waiting for Louis. Probably he'll come back.


"I see you're a medical student?" With the load of thick books all which kind of say about human anatomy and other shit and another book with brain drawings.


"Yeah. Fourth year"


"Great!"


He turns around his chair after a minute, "Louis is lucky I guess. I mean you are too. But... I mean you both are lucky for each other"


"Yeah. Who knows. We aren't very...I don't know what to say. It's not right between us right now..l"


"Yeah. He told me you guys weren't on talking terms. I mean I know this isn't my business but I haven't met this guy, new Louis before. He's better than what he was. He's more rested. Like from within, he's more calm...because before he was a person who couldn't tell where it hurt or even if he was happy, he couldn't tell. If something troubled him he wouldn't calm down about it. But now he's better, as I said more rested..."


"He is?" I'm surprised though because I've never known how Louis was before whatever kind of division he's trying to give his life. But if he thinks he's gotten better I will believe it.


"Yes he is. I mean Louis isn't a kind of person who talks to every body. He has this few people. Not family necessary. Just like three or four people who mean everything to him and sometimes he ignores even them. But he has his way of showing love or sorrow. He wouldn't directly say that he is sorry or he likes something. Dealing with emotions on a daily basis for him is a task." He smiles, "but that's Louis for you. You get tired of him being all sassy and stubborn everytime that after a while you enjoy it and you start to miss it. You miss his reaction if he's not around. He has this effect.."


"He really does. You don't expect him to do deeds for you but you don't even expect him to not to do them. Every second of Louis is a surprise. Every second is enjoyable. Even if he's fighting or angry, which he is most of the time, he's all tiny and cute.." I laugh. Fuck I think I said all this too loud. I think my brain is too loud. I should actually start monitoring my brain.


"Oh my God you guys" he smiles. "I wish you with all the luck. Whatever happens, happens but I want to wish you with luck. That's all I can say"


"Thankyou" I wish I had Louis beside me right now. To just look at him because my chest and my heart is so full right now. I want all of my love to be showered on him. Every tiny little bit of it till he's all choked up and laughing. He deserves all the sun's in the galaxies in all universes ever found. He deserves love in every form ever seen or heard. He deserves all angels and fairies and every God's blessing over him. He's deserves everything beautiful because he is what love is made of.


I walk out but Mark calls me, "Harry?"


"Yeah?" I walk back


"He doesn't talk about Carl. He doesn't like to. He avoids it as much as he can. So you know...I mean if he has..it's good. It's just good for him" he shrugs, smiling.


"Yeah okay" I get it. He's never ever mentioned anything to me about this. I don't know maybe he didn't trust me then. Maybe this is what he meant when he said I've never asked the right questions. Maybe this is what he meant when he said he had a million things to talk about and this is only a part of it.


At this point in time when he's told me a part of him. When he's finally shared something from within I'm confused. I don't know if I should walk away right now. Walk away from him and never return becasue if I think about it all I ever did to him in the past was being back his trigger memories back. I know how that would feel. I know if I had to go through what I went through over again with somebody else I know how much mad and crazy and unstable that would make me and to make Louis go through that I can't imagine how he kept himself sane during all this. How did he actually helped me out of it. And if I walk away right now I'm being a coward like I always have been, like I always will be but if I stay all I'm letting myself do is hurt him in the process more rather than comforting him in such a situation.


It's 8 by the clock on my phone and I see there are a few missed calls from the same number. When I check whose number it is I'm drifted to a memory of five years ago and it's not good. Fuck why did he have to call me and that too like 7 times? I don't give a fuck why Nick called because I'm never bothering myself to get this question answered.


Louis appears on his porch and there's a guy entering. I haven't seen him so I don't know. Probably a friend of his.


Louis POV
I was actually glued to my phone to call Harry so that he could come outside so that I could make him meet my mum and the rest of the family.


"Can I talk to you now?" A familiar person is standing in front of me with a familiar voice. And he's alone.


"You could've just said hi" I mock him. Sandy Rogers is back to ruin it all.


"Hi"


"What are you here for?" I try to pretend that I'm on the phone so that he can fuck off but I think it's difficult. He's here for sure. He's never tried this stern behavior.


"Are you gonna go back or are you here forever?"


"What is that to do with you?" I sigh. Why the fuck is the world using words like forever?


"I mean...I just..I talked to you about that in the morning" he sighs, "I just want to forget all this and make it normal. It's not a very big neighborhood and people still look at me like I am a monster or something. "


"Well you were before. Nothing wrong about that"


"Louis I'm here to apologize. I'm serious. No drama" he sounds pleading and for a second I wanted to give in.


"I don't see any flowers?" I wanna laugh so hard at this. Fuck seriously how good am I at this sass?


"Louis I'm literally begging you right now. I haven't been well through all this. That day when you ran away from here I came to your house to check if it was actually true or was it just a rumor because I couldn't believe you'd do that. I didn't know the consequences of my actions until I saw you take that step. I'm so sorry for what i put you through. Can't you forgive me? "


"Have you practiced all this? Rehearsals would have gone better. It would've been a show if you'd brought all your other team mates. I'd arrange the lights if you'd sent an invitation..." his face has completely fallen and with every word that exited my mouth I saw his face turn into a frown. I felt sad for a second for what I said but then all my head sees is in flashbacks is not our happy friendship but the sad part where all he did was beat me up with Calvin and others and mock me around all the time through university. Wasn't that enough for him?


"Lou-is..." His voice breaks, "Louis ple-ase" he joins his hands. Fuck fuck what is he doing? I don't know I was this kind of a cold hearted bitch that I'd do this. That'd i'd lead all this to this. But all that flashbacks is the hurt he put me through.


"Do you know what? My life actually got a bit easier the past months because I learnt
something. I learnt that fuck whoever doesn't want me in their life. fuck them. Because life becomes a little easy when you accept that you'll never receive an apology from some people" I sniffle. "It did help.."


"I know I know. It's probably right to think that. You helped yourself through it..and I'm glad at least because I couldn't do it and I know now.." Tears are streaming down his face and I don't know what to do, "..if I could hate myself for even existing, I would. But how do I feel something different when all I ever feel is hate. Wherever I walk to. Even Calvin thinks..."


"Don't.." I stop before he does it. Before he puts his blame on someone else., "Calvin is wrong for whatever he did but you don't get to talk about him. He came to me about a month back and all he gave me was a bleeding lip so I don't know if I should expect anything else right now. He also said somethings relating to apologies but you know how that goes..."


"Okay.." He wipes his face, "if that's what you want, I won't bring him in between. I know that I hurt you in the meanest way possible. In the baddest and cruelest way not even your enemy could think of and I was your friend. I hurt you in that way. I know how much upset you must be over losing your granddad and I know how much he meant to you because I know how much you always wanted to have a nice fath-er.. And Carl..I'm sorry.." He chokes suddenly, coughing a little ,"I just wanted you to know that I have been aware of my mista-kes since you wer-e gone... but I was too coward to come up to you. Too coward until Stan hel-ped me a little. I just want you to take my apologies and keep it. Even if you don't want to forgive me I'll understand. I won't be upset or nothing about it. I'll take it as it is but say that you'll take my apologies. Just take it and not accept it..." He joins his hands and he is actually praying to me for it. Maybe somewhere inside me I will forgive him but I need explanations but maybe it's too late for all that.


"Why weren't you there at the wedding?"


"I was there because Stan said I'd have a great chance at winning your forgiveness then but I backtracked when you came because I was scared you'd punch me or something and then I saw things getting worse with Calvin repeating all the shit once again. I talked to Stan about it later and he said he didn't know something like that was going on through his wedding. He said he would've kicked Calvin out if he knew he'd do that.."


"Why didn't you come and save me then? I saw you there.." I blurt. He could've actually come up and then I'd have forgiven and forgotten about it. Everything.


"What?" He frowns his eyes a bit watery and he wipes them off.


"Why didn't you step forward Sandy?" I ask pleading. I've given myself in. I've given everything. My guards are falling. The ones I built years back are falling now. I never expected or even thought about this happening because I accepted that I was never going to receive and apology for this. I was a little bit at ease then but now it's all messed up. My heart has messed up things for me.


His guard had fallen a while back when he had actually joined his hands in front of me but mine have fallen now and he's standing in front of me all defeated and shit. He's crying now. He hasn't stopped himself since my last sentence. "I was .....I was a coward and I'm still a coward Louis. I didn't deserve you back then and I don't deserve you now. I shouldn't have joked about it. I shouldn't have..fuck I'm so so sorry. If I could start all over again I would.."


"Yes you shouldn't ha-ve.." I step back a little, stumbling I sit down on the porch stairs as he's standing crying in front of me. I sat down like I sat down last night but without the cigarettes. I wish I had a full pack right now.


"I know. I know Louis. I get it now" he kneels resting his weight on the heels. "Death isn't something to be joked about and made fun of. I shouldn't have done that...I shouldn't have joked about Carl, Louis. I am so sorry I don't know how else to say it.." He chokes on the last word hiccuping a little, "I shouldn't have joked about depression and suicide. I fucked up your life and if I could not exist right now maybe that would help you but I don't know Louis what to do..." His forehead is resting on my knees and he's been sobbing for a good five minutes and then there's someone standing behind Sandy all tall and curly.


"Is everything okay?" Harry asks his face all changed up and confused. Sandy looks around suddenly and stands up and i stand up too, wiping my face.


"Yeah.." Is all I'm able to say when he's walking towards me and stops beside me.


Sandy looks all caught and confused. "Sandy uh..this is..this is Harry."


"Harry styles" Harry gestures him for a handshake.


Sandy composes himself a little before he squeaks. "Uhm...I'm Sandy. Sandy Rogers."


"Nice to meet you" Harry continues.


We three stand in front of each other all silent until I speak up to Harry. "Can you like wait up for a second? I'll be back?"


He nods and smiles and waits while I walk up to Sandy and grab his elbow to take him to a corner, "Look. I know how much and whatever this was and how sorry and guilty you feel. I mean there's nothing I'm going to achieve with keeping this in me nor are you going to achieve anything if I don't kind of like forgive you.. So I mean. Like yeah let's just make it all working and shit and not just for any body else but for our sakes let's end it here?"


"Yeah.." He nods frantically. His face a bit smiley.


"Are you okay with that?" I shouldn't be asking him this but I am like a warm hearted bitch I don't want to be.


"Oh I'm more fine like but if it helps you any bit you can punch me all that you want. I won't stop you.."


"What?" What the fuck was that? I'm not a kid. "No! You know i don't get violent. But one more thing.."


"What?"


"I don't want to see you anywhere around my house or Mark's house or whatever you call it, my vicinity. Am I clear? Nowhere..I don't want to see you again. Never"


"Yeah" he nods again


"Take care of Calvin for me. I don't want to see his face either..he doesn't exist for me from today."


"Okay"


"Okay then" i was almost about to turn around but he smiles gesturing a handshake.


"For the old times sake?" He asks his hand still waiting for a handshake.


I shake it but he pulls me in suddenly hugging me and shaking me sideways. "What the fuck?" I pull away punching him in the stomach lightly.


"Good you did that..remember why you hate me though." he says


"You can fuck off, now yeah?" I'm actually fucking angry at this but fuck him.


He steps back and turns around and walks out of my porch and goes somewhere and I don't even want to think about him anymore.


"You did a good thing.." Harry walks up to me and my mind hasn't comeback to where it was originally and it takes me a while to contemplate what he said.


"Good thing as in?"


"As in I'm sorry but I heard you talking about forgiving and forgetting and you did that so it's nice. It's nice of you to do that for yourself.." he smiles, his hand resting lightly on my shoulder. It feels like something so usual but still feels like he did for the first time.


"It's not that big of a deal" I shrug but of course I know. I know it is. It's a big deal I did that.


"It is. You'll realize.." he shrugs knowingly.


"Yeah probably. No more to say and nothing to weep for.." I shrug too and he smiles.


"See? Told you.." He smiles grinning, his dimples showing and something inside my chest twitched making it all warm and cozy. Like I saw the sun in the night.


I stare at him not knowing I did for this long until his smile fades and he speaks, "you're staring"


"I know....uhh..." what was I really here for? "Do you want to meet my mum?" I should've just said let's go in, this is weird.


"What?" He looks startled and a bit surprised, "uhh... I guess yeah..if you want me too and ..uh if your mum is interested.. Then yeah ..I would love to.." he scratches his neck for a second.


I laugh at this because my mum has married us both already why would she be not interested? "My mum is actually playing with our kids already. She's so ready you don't even know.."I snort.


It's must've been an hour since he sat down at the dining table with Mum, Lottie and I. He is such a poised kid, I never knew. Mum, Lottie and Harry have been chatting away I don't know on what but all I could understand was names of fashion brands and some make up. God! If they could just shut up about this but there's something so calming watching him eat so professionally. Watch him move his lips in such a slow and artistic way you wanna grab them with yours. There's something so beautiful about his nose how he always scrunches it a little before he has to smile trying not to laugh that loud because mum warned him about Ernie and Doris sleeping. Every time he smiles it's like his dimples just find a way to peek out out of his cheeks and display them as for long as they want as if Van Gogh put them there himself.


It's just overwhelming watching him sit there like an art piece and display his talents and beauty and skills and knowledge and love and warmth and sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and flowers and clouds like he owns them. Like they wouldn't exist if he weren't here. Like they'd lose their light if he walked away right now. Like they'd be nothing if Harry Styles didn't exist.


I look at him and then I look at my mum and I wanna cry. It's like everyone just loves him instantly. No effort nothing. Like he just have to walk into the room and boom all eyes on him and in a second he owns all the hearts. If he just knew what kind of power he had in himself. If he just knew. If he'd just great himself right. If he just knew that his worth can't be calculated. Not even his weight in gold. It's just fuck! It's just you look at him and you want him. You need him. It's like he is the one who gives you your breath and if you could just breath the same air as him you might just be the luckiest to have seen him, to be in his presence.


"You want something else? I'll cook, just name it" my mum clicks her fingers.


"I'm definitely pleased with what I've had and I would have had anything else you make but believe me this is the most I've had in a lifetime and I'm about to explode. Thank you" Harry speaks politely. It might as well have taken him a whole year to say that because he moves his lips so slow. That is like the most British part of him showing off but he's lovely, isn't he?


"No! Harry there is dessert left. You can't just.."


"Mum!" I exclaim, "you were advised to rest and not keep feeding hungry children.." I don't know why I said that I'm just probably jealous.


"Louis! I don't have to tell you how you're supposed to.." Mum gives me that look.


"It's fine Mrs Tomlinson. You should probably rest. I've heard you aren't well." When did he become so British? Why the fuck?


"It's so nice of you Harry." She smiles looking at me like I disgust her or something. But anyways just look at Lottie enjoying all the time.


"You should probably stay the night. You are going to, aren't you?" Lottie speaks all of a sudden eyeing me and then Harry and then again me. What the hell Lottie ? Why did she have to? I haven't even thought this through.


Harry looks at me all of a sudden and it feels like my stomach dropped and my throat flipped. And he is looking at me for permission. Like he's waiting for me to yes him. I don't even know. I didn't think this through. It never crossed my head. What the fuck? What does he need my permission for?


Lottie speaks again as my mum is confused as me because she knows. I told her Harry and I weren't in a good position. She's knows. And it's so awkward. "You have to stay the night. Louis was anyway leaving in the morning"


"I..I actually.." Harry speaks up hesitating and then looks at me, "I can't really.." He looks at me pleading. My heart drops all of a sudden. It's like if I had to confess something, now is the only chance I have. Now is the only chance I have at us. At Harry. At life. At love. I look at him and there's this lump in my throat forming. If I only knew the reasons behind all this burst of emotion. If only my head could convert what I feel in my heart right now. If only I could know the reason why I have tears forming in my eyes. I sniffle trying not to make them fall. I blink like a million times so that I can suck then back into my tear ducts. Fuck!! Fuck! I shouldn't be crying.


Harry looks at me his face turning into an emotional disaster but he continues wiping his face and standing up, "I can't really because my sister.." He looks at my mom and then like he's not even trying but he looks at me when I look up at his lanky body up his face his lips slowly forming the words I don't want him to, "Gemma, she's coming back and there's no one at home.." Home. He looks at me like he's sorry for what he's saying because he can't help it, "...and she returned her spare key when she left. Like there's literally no one. And I also have to pick her up from the airport on my way back.." He gulps when he looks away his chest rising slightly, "I mean it literally breaks my heart to say no to you because this is closest I've felt to my mom and family in the last few years. I would stay if I could.." His face, oh my god.


He looks at me pleading like he's too sorry for whatever's happening because no matter how much he wants to save us he can't. I get up picking up his plate and he immediately stops me, "No! I'll help myself.." And in a second we're both standing with a plate in our hands staring at each other.


"You're.." I clear my throat, "you're my guest Harry. Let me.."


"Yeah you should let him" my mom insists. "You sit down, let me talk to you a while more.." She smiles so politely anyone would wanna sit down.


Harry leaves the plate and I walk out of the room as fast as possible but I know I left a piece of myself there. With the man who I ran away from. It's shit. I was holding a crockery plate so I had to put it in the sink quietly but I did the opposite. I almost broke it. Fuck! Its too many emotions fucking up with me. I stand there tears falling off my face my eyes burning red and my knuckles turning white as I hold onto the sink. Fuck. fuck. I can't let him walk away. I don't know what I could actually do to stop him but I know I can't because he has this genuine reason to leave early and I can't even excuse him to make him stay.


Maybe I'm hyperventilating right now with the amount of sobs I'm trying to hold in without making much noise. Fuck. It feels like I'm so weak in my knees if I took a step I'd trip on my own feet. I've never felt so helpless and hopeless and weak and tired and fed up. Never have I and it feels like I should just give up and not even try another time. Just like whatever's happening I should just let it happen. Like I should just walk away from a million pieces of myself scattered on this kitchen floor.


I gasp stepping back sniffling in composing myself even though I wanna scream at someone so bad. I want to let this out. I want to. So much. I might explode if I don't.


Harry's POV
It took me a whole minute to compose myself in front of his mum. I wanted to hug Louis when I said I couldn't stay the night. I would've asked him to come with me. I've asked a million times already and I'd ask a million times again. I don't know what's stopping him. I don't know. But whatever it is, it hurts me to look at him so hurt. His face fell all of a sudden and unexpectedly and I wish I could make him all smiley again but it's so nice of me to hurt him.


"Are you sure you're gonna drive safely?" Mrs Tomlinson pat's my shoulder lightly and I make her trust me that I will. I haven't seen Louis since he left the room and it's worrying me too much. Too much I can't even hear what she's saying.


"Believe me I wouldn't be doing this if I had a choice" I sigh and she gives me a knowing look.
"Where's Louis though? I uh.." I ask. I can't wait anymore.


"He just went up his room" Lottie points to the staircase.


"Okay. Can I..?"


"Yeah..of course Harry. Of course. You don't even have to ask" Louis' mum smiles again. "C'mon go. It's the second door up the stairs"


"Thanks" I hurry as I slide my chair backwards.


As I'm walking up the stairs my heart rate has gone up by I guess 100 times. It's so fucking messy.


I'm gonna say it before the time runs out. I'm gonna say it before it's too late. Before it's too late to even stand in front of him. I'm gonna say it. I know waiting is a mistake and I'm gonna say it.

Notes

my heart is so full right now and i cant right anymore in this chapter and that is why i had to end it here. the feels were getting me too much.

anyways! how are ya'll guys doing?

do comment and tell me if you are full of feels just like me after reading this!

all the love! xx