Harry's POV


I miss Louis a lot more than I should. I tried sitting with my knees to my chest in the shower with my hands over my ears for five minutes, all I wanted to do was get him out of my head but even the overly hot water couldn’t wash away the pain he left me behind in. And I know he never knew how much I loved him and how much I can love him. I regret never sending any messages about my feelings towards him but how could he not tell? I stayed up until 5 a.m for him every night to just watch him sleep like a baby. And I miss him. I miss the way he noticed I was sad just by the way I talked and looked and walked. He made me the most happiest I’ve felt in the longest time but now that he's gone I’m so sad all of my bones feel as though they were meant to be broken over and over until they cannot be fixed anymore because they are simply too broken but even then, they still could not mirror my heart. The hurt I have in my heart cannot be compared. And all these metaphors make no sense at all but I miss him. I wish I could smile at him, I wish I could text him and tell him all of this, to tell him anything really at all, but I can’t. Because the day he left, he took my heart and my lungs and now I cannot breathe, I cannot function. I am lifeless without him and I want my life back, I want him back. I’ll beg him, please, come back Lou.


I don't know why I did this. I didn't know when I walked out of the house today. I don't know why I'm here parked behind Louis' car. I don't know what force lead me here. Let me drive for 3 hours straight. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't know if this is the right thing I did. I don't know. All I know is that my heart is aching, aching for the person I've ever loved with everything I've had and everything I'll ever have.


I'm sitting here in the car outside Louis' house. I didn't how, why, when I ended up here. But all I'm saying is I need him back. I need him with me. I need him.


He turned around from his driver's seat to look behind. Maybe he didn't believe what he saw the first time. I don't know why he stopped but I didn't mean to stop him. There's this guy sitting with him in the passenger seat. He looks a little confused as far as I can make out the look of his face. I'm scared as hell sitting here. The car is warm but I still feel shivers as if i just touched ice. Fuck! I should've know this isn't going to easy as I thought.


He shouldn't be stopping though. He should just go wherever they had to. I don't deserve this time with him. This time he wants to give his granddad. I mean I can't steal all this time from him just because I want him to be here with me. I don't think even if I was drunk I'd do that. Never.


I don't know what's happening but thy both are certainly exchanging words and Louis turns in front, I hear the car roaring in this foggy evening. He drives. He drives away with the guy sitting with him still looking behind at the car or I don't know me?


Louis' POV


Why in the fucking world would he turn up here? Why in the fucking world? How did he even end up here? How did he even? Is he drunk driving? Is he on drugs or something? I never told him my address. Never. He's never been here before. How did he even know this? Who the fuck told him? Is he tracking my phone? Has he been following me? What the fucking fuck.


My head! Shit. I must've hit the accelerator too hard because the force I feel and with the speed of my car I'm probably going to hit someone. There is this constant beeping sound coming from somewhere which is so annoying fuck I could kill him.


"Did you tell him my fucking address?" I scream at Mark while driving.


"I don't even know who you're talking about and you're asking me if I talked to him and please slow down the godamn car before you land us in hell or jail!!" He screams back!


"Don't fucking lie to me Mark I'll anyway get to know"


"What the fuck are you talking about? I don't even know the guy. Who is he anyways? And please slow down please I beg you" we're both screaming because this car is anyways trash and when I'm driving it at this speed it makes annoying loud sounds.


I slow down the car. He's right probably. He doesn't know him. When I told him about Harry yesterday he never told me he's heard that name before or he knows another Harry styles. Fuck! Who then? Who told him? Becasue I never did.


"He's the guy I told you about.." I tell him when we're about five minutes away from our dinner venue.


"He's your boyfriend?!" He almost jumps in his seat his eyes out of his sockets.


"I don't know. We don't give names to each other. But yeah you can say that.." I shrug.


"Oh my God he's rich. But anyways. I didn't see his face and I don't know him so I don't know what's the thing you're both on about so don't accuse me of things I don't even know happened"


"Okay. Yeah I'm sorry" I say when I've parked my car and Mark gets out of the passenger seat.


"Fuck! " I rest my head on the steering wheel. I shouldn't have just drove away from there. I should've at least said something. I don't know. I should've at least just walked out asked if he could wait inside. Just something. Something to make me feel better about. Something. I ran away from him that time. I'm running away from him now.


I'm so much stressed out right now I think my hair is falling. Fuck I should've talked to him at least. Just said hi probably.


When the dinner was over at around 8 and all the guests had left we went back. My mum said she wasn't feeling well so I took her to the hospital. I don't know she said it's not that big of a deal but for me it is. I don't know since when this has been going on, her not being well. So I got her all checked up. The doctor said that it's probably just all the stressing out she's done in the past month thinking about stuff too much. The doctor said she should just rest for a week or something and take all the meds as she advised. She's gonna be good in about a week.


To be honest about this I am relieved more than my mum. Because it's not me that doesn't want to stay here it's the fact that I have a whole another life elsewhere where I could actually do something for myself and make something of me. It's these people who look up to me like I'd help them out and everything will be fine if I just stay here.


I just want them to know that it's not other people who create problems and stuff. It's all of us. We live together and things happen together and we come out of it together and even if I'm not here they are so much better without being in need of someone's constant help. That they'll do good if they try and stand up on there own. The fact that people don't need people's help to stay alive and live forever. People need people to be together. The loved ones. Just together equally. Sharing everything in the same ratio they give up. But only if I could make them understand this.


When I met the doctor and while my mum was getting checked I went to see my therapist. Just to say hi to him. But later I decided against it. Because I'm not ready to answer questions about anything. Nothing at all. I'm not ready to answer questions I haven't even tried to ask myself. But I remember correctly the last thing he told me. He told me he wishes I find some one for myself. Someone who will love me like I deserved to be. Like I loved everyone else. Like I loved everyone who died and everyone who left and everyone who stayed.


When mum and I returned it was dark. She didn't notice the range rover parked outside our house because she was probably busy walking faster inside. She said if I wanted to say at Marks place tonight too I could. I don't go in. I waited at the porch for about five minutes gathering enough courage to walk to the car. I look if he's still inside the car or if someone already took him inside.


When I walk up to the car the dork with the curly mop of hair has his head resting on the steering wheel. For once I was relieved that he didn't go in and make a mess but then I realised that he'd been inside the car for about 5 hours already.


Harry's POV
When I saw his car drive away my heart broke, literally. I felt it. I felt it like it was real. Because it is.


I don't know how many sleepless days and nights I must've been through to be sitting here resting my head and I don't remember when I fell asleep. I must've had a dream. Because I remember being happy. Smiling at my sunshine.


I had just woken up the sunshine hitting my face making me squint but I liked it because I was warm. Warm on a winter morning hands wrapped around my chest with light snores hitting me. It's was just so peaceful and silent being in his arms. I wished I could put it into words and tell everyone how he makes me feel. But I can't. I won't have to becasue he is all that matters to me. I remember him being tired last night returning from work and how he told me he only wanted to eat and sleep for the rest of the day and I let him. He embraced me init his arms and hugged me to bed. And when he was asleep I traced my fingers over his tired shoulders and let my thoughts linger on his faint smile. All I did was look at him asleep so calm I felt solace all over.


I don't think I remember falling asleep but if I remember correctly about what happened a minute ago I remember someone tapping on the window. I remember jolting awake and finding a blurry face of Louis standing outside looking at his shoes.


I open the car door immediately and jump out of the car, "Hi"


He looks up and right now I don't think I remember ever seeing a face with that amount visible emotional hurt. Nothing much has changed about his appearance since I last saw him but yes I can see a little stub growing around him. I noticed that because I've never seen him even with a little beard. Nothing. He's always been clean shaven. He hugs himself and frowns lookin up. "I thought you'd invite me inside the car because it's cold here" he purses his lips.


Shit. Yes. "Oh yes. I'm sorry I didn't... C'mon." I stutter, "you should sit...I'll walk to the passenger seat...you should sit here...here in the driver's seat...here...let me open...let me open the door...yeah.." He hesitates a bit but then he climbs in.


"Thanks" he mutters and I close the door for him.


I jog to the passenger side and climb in. I don't know maybe I should wait for him to begin but then I blurt, "how's your family and I mean you coping?"


He purses his lips before he speaks but then my eyes land on a faint simple his cheeks form, "they're not coping well and I certainly ain't because of them so I don't know maybe it's gonna be okay" he groans.


"It will be okay. It eventually does" I shrug ,"but I know this is a huge loss so I hope you guys settle soon. I'm sorry for your loss" I move my hand forward to squeeze his palm lightly just so that he knows I'm here for him but then I realize and I don't.


"Stop saying that. I get it. I get it how sorry you are for my loss" he sounds a bit frustrated.


"I'm sorry" I repeat subconsciously but then I actually did.


"Fuck!... please don't apologize for something you did not do"


I don't say anything after this. We sit in silence for a while before he speaks, "I don't mean to be so angry and annoying. It's just that every time you say you're sorry for my loss it gets closer to being real. I am not ready to be without my granddad. I'm not. He was everything. Even if I met him once in a year I know he was ever-ything.." His voice breaks. Fuck. If I could just hold him. All this while all I thought about was if I could just be there for him. If only I could be and now that I'm here I'm not sure if I'm actually helping him or am I just annoying him. I don't know and now that I'm sitting here I think it was a wrong decision. I fucked it up. I fucked up man!


"I'm sorry.." he clears his throat. He sits properly adjusting his jacket a little. I sit there too. In silence for a while.


"Why are you here, Harry?" He turns to look at me, "how long are we going to sit like this?"


"Please come with me.." I blurt. "Please" I don't look at him.


"How?" He immediately says, "now that I'm here I can't leave. My mum isn't well. My sister's want me to be here. Mark thinks I can save him."


"But you don't want to be here. You said it yourself"


"I say a lot of things"


"But you meant it yesterday" I don't know what is happening. Why is he running away from something he so clearly wants?


"You said you wanted to meet me about something. What was it?" He asks. He completely ignores the thing we're talking about.


"I..fuck...." I mutter.


"You just..?" He turns to me, "did you just swear?" His face has changed completely.


"Why? No.." Seriously shit.


"You did" he has this smirk on his face.
Like I knew it kind of.


"It's not that I don't. It's not a new habit really...you've heard me." I'm not sure what's happening here.


"it's not new. I've heard you swear before. You do that plenty."


"I do?"


"Uh huh" he smirks again. "You do" I know I picked up things from him in just a few months. He can't like be all smirky about it. He did it to me. "Anyways, you were saying?"


"Yes. That" seriously fuck. I don't even know why I ended up here but all I remember is that want him back. "Louis?" I call him and he looks up his face all flushed and serious.
"Whatever I said. On the phone. Like yesterday" my heart beat rate just went up, "whatever I said I mean it. I meant it and I'm sorry because I know I hurt you in ways. I know I should've been here with you. Nobody deserves to be alone in such a moment."


"You don't have to be sorry. It's me who left.." He looks down stuffing his hands in his jacket pocket. He always does that when he gets fidgety. And right now his level of fidgeting has reached its peak.


"You want to blame yourself for this?" I raise my eyebrows. "I thought we kind shared this"


"We kind of share this then..." he turns to me swiftly looking furious, "we do actually I guess. Like right now I totally fucking hate this" he hasn't raised his voice yet but by the way he looks I think if he speaks for about a minute more he'll burst a nerve or something.


"You hate this?!" It hurt a little when he says this because then all I think about is if he ever even wanted to be in this relationship.


"Yes. I do. I hate how you just popped out of nowhere without a warning. Just click and phew you where there. Where were you when I needed you?!" If I could just stare at his lips and not listen to his voice I could correctly make out what he's saying. But he's angry. He's angry at me for being here, "you said you wanted to meet me and I agreed but here? Now? Wh-y?" He gulps turning away. He gulps hard to stop his voice from breaking. He's trying to hard. He's trying too hard to not cry and maybe if he did he'd feel better but I can't tell him what to do. But I just want him to feel better. That's it.


"I just.."


"Don't lie" he turns to me his eyes watery. "Don't.."


"I'm not lying. I've never lied to you. Never. I would never lie to you. I love you and I'll never lie to you, never.." Whatever I just blurted out its true. I've never lied to him nor will I ever do that. That's not me. But I don't know what I said that made the tear roll down his cheek. He looked at me so broken that no one would ever want to see someone they love so much, like this. Never. He gasps tilting his head back.


"Why weren't y-ou h-ere?" He asks. I don't know what instinct let me do this but I did. I did it because..oh gosh I wish I knew but I don't .I don't know why. But I just did. I bent myself over and pulled him in a hug. I pulled him even when he fidgeted. Even when he didn't want me to. Even when he flinched away at my touch. Even when he was pushing me a little away. I don't know why but I embraced him ever so tightly I wish I'd done that sooner. I wish I'd be sitting at home with him, loving him. I wish he didn't have to be this hurt. I wish he didn't have to go through all of this. I wish everyone he loves is okay. I wish he was happy, safe and calm and never this unhappy. I wish a lot of things but not seeing him this hurt. The hurt when it becomes visible is the worst feeling someone could go through.



"Don't do this.." I tell him. He doesn't have to push me away.


"You're the one whose doing everything" he mumbled his face squished in my neck.


"Stop pushing me away"


"I'm not" he confesses mumbling pressing himself into me. Fuck! My heart raced and my stomach turned and it felt as if a sun just spread out inside my chest. His arms wrapped around my neck and he squeezed in. I wanted to cry, I wanted to, so bad but I don't wanna be a crying mess when he's wrapped up in my embrace so tightly I never want him to go. I never want him to leave. He starts to shake suddenly and unexpectedly and all I did was hold him. He sniffles in between and I know he's crying his face in my neck.


I know he's in mourning and if all he wants to do is cry and be here, he doesn't even have to ask.


Only five minutes must've passed and he stopped crying. He pulls away slowly as if asking for my permission and I let him pull away, "do you.." he looks away a bit. A little away and then back at me as if he's not sure "do you want to sit in the back seat?"


Butterflies must've been hiding somewhere inside my stomach becasue when Louis said that all that happened was these butterflies danced around as if my stomach was a garden. My face must've gone crimson. I don't know. I hope he doesn't see that. He's gonna laugh.
"Yeah....of course..if you want to..yeah. Yeah..let's just move back" he gets up puts his feet on the seat, turns and puts his one feet between the two seats. As he moves back bending his body halfway through the seats to move at the back the view of his ass is what I think I've missed the most. "I thought were moving from the outside" yeah seriously I thought that.


"Then you're a fool" he lands on the back seat and turns to sit crossed legged. He smiles lightly. His eyes a bit puffed up but looking at him smiling is the best thing I've seen in a whole month. This feeling looking at him from the drivers seat as he's seated behind smiling is best.


He smiles wide all of a sudden his cheeks forming faint dimples and his nose crinkling, "I don't think you'll fit through this tiny passage. This isn't for giraffes with a j" he's trying to hide his laughter so much that his face looks full. He looks so adorable with that mischievous smile or smirk whatever you want to call that sitting there all playful. Fuck! If I could just carry him home or probably just keep him with me, forever. His smile fades a little and he looks down before he says, "you're staring" he says turning all pink.


"I want to" I say. "To be honest, staring is all I've got right now. Sometimes words can't seem to form in my head to tell you how much you mean to me. A lot of times I don't say anything at all. You're the one who talks. Puts it out into words, into feelings, I'm not that. But I hope someday, you understand that having you is what I live for" fuck. What I said is the ultimate truth but his face is turning into expressions I've never seen before. Instead of hiding his face by looking down or sideways he looks straight at me. He's not fidgety right now like he usually gets.


"Why don't you just come and sit here?" He pat's on the space beside him on the back seat. "C'mon" he tries hard to smile.


I get down from the car and walk into the back seat opening the door and sitting in, where I've been wanting, just beside him. I cross my legs but then my knee touches his and I straighten my legs but then he places his hand at my thigh, like trying to stop me from doing what I just did. So I cross my legs up again. I'm sitting with my back against the backrest and he's siting sideways his right side resting on the backrest. He doesn't remove his hand from the previous place and it feels good. Better. Better than any of the past days.


"Why didn't you text me?" I ask him my heart taking turns in its place. I'm the one whose fidgeting now.


"I was waiting for your drunk text. I can't get drunk" he shrugs, simply. "But.." He rests his head on the head rest, "that doesn't mean I wasn't missing you. I was just waiting for you to miss me.." he squeezes my thigh really lightly like if I wasn't paying attention at the connection between us I would've missed it.


"I'm sorry I drink this much. I shouldn't be. All my doctors have advised me against it. I just don't seem to listen"


"At least it gave you the courage to text me. I can't even do that"


"Trust me you're better off without drinking" I rest my head back. I've lost myself
completely to him in this moment. I've never felt so light. It's like I know feel tired but I have all the energy to talk to him the whole night the whole next day. It feels good, it feels so much better. It just feels s much nice to just be next to him."hey, can I ask you something? "


He nods propping his head on his palm.
"Have you been on.." I don't want to complete the sentence. But then he speaks up.


"On drugs?" He smiles


"Yeah. Shit I don't..."


"It's okay. I wasn't on drugs though. I never want to go back to that. I've been through the shitty days. That day I had chain smoked 3 packs just because I didn't have the courage to tell you I was leaving. I came to tell you I was and it was so shitty. I ended up saying things I didn't even mean.." He winces when he ends the sentence. He looks so ashamed. I mean it's okay if he did that. He was hurt. He was upset and disappointed and angry and frustrated and I don't think anyone else would've acted different. I wouldn't have. And I didn't.


"3 packs?" I wince and then chuckle. It sounds so unhealthy. The way he says he doesn't want to go back all I have to wonder is why he was even there at the first place?


"Yeah" he nods looking away and then looks at me trying to understand the situation we went through because of each other being so hurtful to each other, "How many days?"


"Of me being drunk? Or just sleepless nights?"


"Being drunk"


"I don't remember correctly though. But I guess about more than a week possibly. Everything else is just blurry" I chuckle but when I look at his face all frowning mine turns into the same


"You think it's funny?"


"No. I don't. It's just same things different people but this time I have this additional thing. This additional feeling of being able to feel the difference between these types of feelings. It's different"


He nods and smiles, "It's new for me. Everything's new."


"How so? What makes you happy?"


"You really wanna know?"


"If you want me to know, then ofcourse"


"The fact that you were upset this past time and I know how much I hurt you but you stayed strong enough to not harm yourself. That you kept clean. I'm really proud about that." He smiles lightly his palm squeezing my thigh a little. He has this smile on him which makes me proud that I made him proud.


I have this sudden urge to just get closer to him. Breath the same air as him and just kiss him to see the light on his eyes I want to do that. I made all the constellation lose their way. I wanna bring them back.


He shifts in his place and in turn he shifts closer, his palm on my thigh changing places, "I don't know if you've seen Mark? Have you?"


"If you're talking about the guy who sat with you when you drove away, I have. He looks like you facial vise. Somewhat."


"He's my cousin. A year younger. He had an elder brother, Carl. He was 3 years older than me. So when I grew up and went to school and shit we went together everywhere. I never got along with Mark as good I as I got along with Carl. He was everything then. Everything. My best friend my brother, everything. At the point in time all my mum's boyfriends were coming and going and it was difficult for a 7 year old me to keep track." I just imagined a little 7 year old Louis and it's the cutest thing I've ever imagined.


"I never had an elder male to help me out with stuff. Like stuff, daily stuff. Like what dad's do. So Carl meant a lot to me , more than my tiny brain could understand. I had my grandfather then. So we four, Carl, Mark, me and grandad, we were constants." I am sitting here patiently listening to what he actually has to say. I love this feeling of the being comfortable with him. I love it. I've always loved it and for a moment I imagined we were family. I imagined that he was at home with me.


"He had these self image issues he never talked about. To no one. He was around 16 when he first started secluding himself. He was fun even then. But everyone else thought maybe teenage years were taking their toll so they just let it be. One time I noticed he wore a full sleeved T-shirt in summer when we all were getting ready to go the beach. I wasn't really ever interested for the beach so I begged him to help me not go. He got annoyed and he pushed me away. I was just 10 so I cried when he did that and he got annoyed even more. So was angry I didn't talk to him for a day when I returned but eventually I went upto to his house and into his room at around noon. I still remember it was a Sunday so everybody was home. When I entered his room all I saw was his hands and the colour red" fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I feel like I should cry. I get it. I get it now. I get everything he's done for me. Every single thing. I get it. I was an asshole to make him go through my shit. Probably I should hug him and cry. I'm shaking from within. I look at him and he whimpers a little. Like if I wasn't paying so much attention at his lips I'd have missed it.


"I'm so-rry" I say. Fuck my voice cracked. It didn't seem this would actually effect me this way. He doesn't look up. He's removed his hand from my thigh and now I feel cold. He's picking the skin at his nails. I grab his hands and they're shaking lightly and flinches at my reaction. He doesn't look up yet but just shudders at his place. I grab both his hands tightly and squeeze lightly, "I'm sorry"


"No" he looks up his eyes a little red, "he didn't die then. He slit his wri-sts three years later in my bath-room while I was asleep" a tiny tears drop rolls down his cheek and he is quick to wipe it off his shoulder. Fuck. I should've known. I didn't know this. And now it fucks me up so much to just know that. Imagine him going through that.


"I am so so sorry Lou. I am such an asshole. I should've just.."


"No! no!" He's quick, "it's not because of you I'm telling you this. I'm telling you this because of me. Because this time I can actually have a chance at helping out. A chance at life. I didn't cry at that thought anymore" he chuckles realizing something, "Atleast not like I used to. But no matter what happens I'm proud of you" he smiles a genuine smile. Like he meant it. He bends forward heat rising in me all of a sudden with this inching closer. He kisses me at the cheek and sits back. "Thankyou for being this strong"


I didn't expect myself to shed a tear at this gesture but I did because the connection between us in this moment on this day has made me completely vulnerable to him and I can't help it. I can't hide it. Not from him. No when he's sitting here with me.
"What is that troubles you here? Why can't you come back with me? Ugh! Maybe I'm being selfish here but I can't help it Lou. You have this effect on me, can't you see? You know it. How can you just keep ignoring this? "


"Compassion hurts Harry. Too much. Too much when you don't even expect it to. When you feel connected to everything you also feel responsible for everything. How am I supposed to turn away from it. How do I just leave my family like this?"


I am actually thinking about him being all this caring about them because he can't take leaving good. He's lost too many people to do the same with someone else. Specially with people that matter. "It's not leaving. You still get to help them. You're not going to abandon them or something. Didn't you comeback now? Didn't you comeback here help them? You just have to do that. Everyone has their own life to live Louis. Yes it's good to feel responsible for your parents and siblings but you can't just feel that you are obligated to help them out. Every one has to make their own path. Didn't you? Didn't you help yourself out? They will too. Everyone does that. It's what humans do. Don't feel like you are bad if you help yourself." He hasn't looked up but he does now just sits there staring at me.


"Did I say something wrong?" I ask


"No."


"Then?"


"Nothing" he nods.


"Can I ask you something?"


"Mhm mhm" he leans his head sideways on the headrest.


"Why didn't you tell me all along you were hurting so much? Why didn't you?" When I say this words come out more as a whisper.


"Because you were hurting more and my pain wasn't anything compared to yours"


"oh my God" fuck. It's doesn't work like that, "Louis. Happiness or sadness doesn't work like that. If someone else is more happy it doesn't mean you don't get to cherish yours. Or if there is someone whose more sad it doesn't mean your sadness is nothing in front of them. Each person gets their share of happy and sad. Never do this again. Never keep such notions in your head. Okay? Never"


"Okay"



There's a tap on the window behind me and Louis gets up, "It's Mark" Louis turns to get down and I do too.


"Your mum called. She wanted to talk to you about something" Mark tells Louis. "And it s getting awkward" he smiles looking at me.


"Oh Hi. I'm Harry Styles" I gesture for a handshake.


"Hi. Mark Tomlinson here." He shakes my hand smiling. "Louis' cousin"


"Well I've heard about you" I say, "Nice to see you"


"Me too" he nods. "You coming?" He points to Louis.


"Yeah. And Harry?" Louis turns to me, "Mark plays guitar and sings too. I'm sure you would like to listen?"


"Wow. That's nice. Yeah sure" I nod. "Of course"


Marks face has changed completely from being normal to complete surprised.


"Mark please would you?" Louis smiles and laughs lightly ,"please do. You guys talk I'll be back"


Louis' POV
When I enter mum's room she's sitting on the edge of bed. "Hi mum. You called?"


"Where is your phone? I've been calling for ages"


"Its probably in the car somewhere. Mark said you wanted to talk?"


"Yeah" she nods and Pat's the side of her bed. Gosh. Is this a serious talk?


"Are you going back tomorrow? It's dark now anyways"


"Yeah. But I'm not sure I should be. I don't want to leave you guys here. I don't want my part of work being a burden"


"You are not a burden Louis. You're too kind to think about this. You're 24 how long are you gonna wait for yourself to start a new better life of yours? Leaving is so much broader in meaning. You're not leaving. You're just going to live your life your way."



"Mum. I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I'm scared as hell."


"Have you met someone?" She smiles when she asks me this and I immediately blush. Fuck. Who told her? Lottie is dead.


"Yeah. I don't know. We're not at good terms really. Who told you though?"


"No one. I just sensed. You talk grown-up that's it. Don't you want to move in with him?" she's smiles.


"Yes. I do. I would love to spend every second with him. But you're not best your health"


"I will be. I have 5 other members to take care of me. Louis don't worry about me. Yes maybe a little but don't let me stop you from getting what you can before it's too late" she wraps her arm around my shoulder.


"You want to know his name?"


She nods a little excited.


"Harry Styles"


"Is he a brand name like Calvin Klein or Versace or Gucci? He sounds so rich kind" she laughs. She knows she's teasing me.


"He probably has some fashion business going on who knows. He's always elegantly dressed. You wanna meet him?" I get excited in my place.


"What? Is he here? You just said you weren't on good terms?" She frowns


"It doesn't matter. He doesn't like labels anyway so. You want to or not?"


"Of course. I wanna meet a future family member"


"Mum!" She teases good.


"Is it going to be Louis Styles or...Louis Sty… yes…Stylinson?"



"Mum!" I shout and stand up, "enough mum!"


"Okay. Don't get hyper. I know you've decided yourself already."


"Mum!" I stomp and make an annoying face.


"But listen”. She gets serious, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn in life, the most beautiful of it all, is just to love and to be loved in return" she hugs me and I hug her back. I cant believe this is the moment I’m realizing how much I’ve actually missed my mum. For her little messages in life. I’ve missed her so much..


"I'll make something for him?"


"He's more of a green person. Make something like a vegetable salad or something. He's weird or spinach soup maybe.." I laugh.


"Cool" she says


"What has Lottie done to you mum? Cool?"


"Yeah. Cool! Like it's the new.."


"Mum I know what it means" I roll my eyes laughing.


"Okay"

Notes

hey! new chapter is here!

hope you like the new chapter. please do comment!

all the love!