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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 103

*first part of the double update*
Mood: 1000x by Jarryd James----> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3FV7pnTNeo


Louis' POV



It's hurts to have heard his voice for the first time in weeks with my name on his lips. It physically hurt to hang up his call. I know the way I'm behaving may seem unreasonable like it's all for me and I don't realize what kind of hurt he must be feeling hearing me that I don't have anything left to be back for.



But how do I tell him that I love him more than ever and I do not want to walk away from him? I came back that day at the party to tell him I was leaving but he doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that I need to know things about him and if they hold such a high place in his life, then I definitely need to know it.



If he's hurting so much then why doesn't he share them with me? I remember him, that night drunk talking about consent and how sex isn't beautiful without it. If he wants me to know things then why give hints? What is he scared of? and if he thinks I'm dumb enough to not understand what he's throwing my side, then its not me who is dumb.



I know I've thought about all that he said that night and I've come to a conclusion. I'll have to confirm with him though. I'll talk to him about this. I don't wanna say the word. I don't want to believe it. What he said if that's true maybe I'm scared more than him about this. If that's what he's hiding I'll make it easy for him.



This is love and I'll never get enough of him even if he's scared to tell. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either, about the fact that he did call gathering up courage. He's never fought for himself. He never has and if he's willing to fight right now. Fight himself for me I'm ready to be back with him. Always.



I reached home safely. I wish I could call him up to tell him this. That I've reached home and he doesn't have to worry. The last time I was back here it sucked. I cried in front of Harry when I returned from the wedding. I remember him caressing me and I asked what I did wrong to deserve these guys repeating the shit again. I thought maybe he wanted to apologize for it. Stan, he's fine. Eleanor she's fine too. But Calvin and Luke, they're never going to change.



Calvin and Luke went about blabbering stuff in front of me during the whole wedding without even considering that it was a person, a whole another person they had hurt and didn't even care about it. I mean how can you hurt someone and not know about it? I get it we were kids back then but what was so funny about beating the shit out of someone that kicking them, that it made you laugh?



This house, this room I'm sitting in makes me want to have those horrid people kill themselves. Because I don't wanna touch them and make my hands dirty. This room cries my name in the most screechy way possible. It's makes me wanna remember the drug filled nights and the smoke room nights.



Someone knocks, the door knob turns and my mum enter’s in, she's holding a black suit. When I look at her I wanna hug her again, after I did at the door. Harder this time. She's been through all, she's been through me. I'm sad and upset and feel like I should cry. I don't have to worry her seeing me cry and she's seen me enough. There is something troubling me about her. I don’t know maybe it’s just me
"I don't know if this will fit you but I bought it when we were buying your dad's. I hope it fits. Can you check?" She hands me the suit. She's hasn't yet made an eye contact with me and I know she wants answers for all the things and I want to tell her all the things but this, losing grandfather is a shock for everyone of us.



"Yeah" I take it from her, "I'll try" I walk into the bathroom and come back when I've changed. "It's a bit loose on my shoulders.." I say as I walk out and she walks upto me.



"But it's not that prominent" she adjusts the shoulder part. "I think it'll work?" She sounds unsure. But I guess it'll work. Breathing in her scent has made me think of all the motherly love I need in the moment. I step further as I slide my arms around her neck hugging her. I need it and she hugs me back. Fuck. I needed this.



"Oh baby.." she sighs rubbing my back



"Mum i'm sorry I .."



"It's fine. You're here now" mums always forgive. Don't they?



"No I want to be sorry. I want to be sorry because I ran away like that. I shouldn't have"



"You're 24. You can do whatever you want. And you said you ran away for better. That's good. you look good"



"No I'm 24 and I'm stupid and i've had episodes"



"Don't say that" she squeezes and then we stay like that in silence.



"I'll miss grandad" I admit. I will. When my dad left me when I was 10 he was everything. Everything.



"Me too, son" she sighs.



"He meant everything, mum. He was my real father." I sniff. I told you I'm not afraid to cry in front of her.



"I know.." she hugs tighter. I pull away and finally she looks up at me. "It looks like you are doing better there."



"Not really. I worked my ass off though, you know. It was better because I didn't have sick people to bother me all the time." I shrug and she knows what people I'm talking about.



"You're still the same" she laughs, it's so pretty to see her laugh, "you've been better that's all that matters" she kisses me on the forehead. It melts me. It melts me inside to feel something I've missed for a whole 4 months I've been away.



I kiss her on the check, "I've missed you mum"



"We've missed you too, Boo. It's good to see you" she holds me by my shoulders. "It's good"



"I love you" I kiss her on the other cheek.



"I love you too" she sighs and wipes off her tear. "Don't get me all mushy now. It's 8 anyway. Come down for dinner in half an hour, okay?"



"Okay" I hug her once more and then she leaves.



When the door shuts I feel sick again. This room makes me feel sick. It's just filled with these fucked up pieces of me which I want to freaking forget. I don’t wanna stay here really. I don’t even know what will make me stay here any longer than the funeral. I just want to run away from this shitty town with all the shitty people.



After I change out of my suit I walk downstairs to the kitchen and sit up on the slab. Lottie is helping mum prepare dinner.



"Hi, Lottie" I greet her, "your hair is longer and it's grey"



"Because I like it and i want it?" she raises her eyebrow sticking out her tongue.



"I like it too, okay. Mum how did she get permission for this though?" Mum is busy with what smells like steak.



"I think you forget. I get to be the older one when you're not here" Lottie chirps like the way she always has.



Mum turns around, "she earned it by babysitting" she informs.



"See!" Lottie sounds competitive. "It's real blood and sweat"



"And Phoebe and Daisy didn't mind?"



"They're the real babies actually. Ernest and Dorris are actually the better pair" I can actually see the hard work mum and Lottie did to keep this family going. I regret running away. Leaving everything up to them. I wanna go hug Lottie too but she's Lottie, she'll laugh at me for crying and I won't do that.



But I have to admit, "I'm sorry I went away. I regret it" Lottie looks up immediately.



"Mum said you were better off there" her face changes but she's smiling.



"But I didn't mean to hand down my trouble to you guys. I mean mum is already working two jobs. You work part time and dad works his part. I shouldn't have just left" I feel bad for them and I wanted to here.



"You're 24, you shouldn't have come back" Lottie smiles at the end winking.



"What do you mean?"



"You should've kind of settled down with him" she winks, again. Fuck. Mum doesn't know about him and she's doing this when she's just behind?



"Shut up" I whisper, "don't get me killed" I motion and she laughs.



"What are you two on about? Louis will you get down and these bowls to the table?"



"Yeah sure" I hop down from the slab and lightly nudge Lottie when I walk past her towards mum and she giggles again.



When I sat on the table we said our prayers. We're very family loving and I sometimes like it. I'm liking it now more than ever. Everything that's happening right now makes me miss this home, this family so much.



"At what time do we leave in the morning?" Phoebe asks munching quietly. She's been quiet since.



"At 10 or 10:30. Why do you ask?" Dad answers



"Nothing just like that"



She sounds weird right now or maybe she is this. She's grown up. The teenage phase.



If my real father was sitting here in front of me right now I'd tell him how sorry I was that he was losing his father but when I look at Dan, my dad, I don't feel anything. He hasn't met me since I've got here. Like nothing just a handshake. We're not close I get it. But he's known me since I was like 15 but he's never done those fatherly things with me. Like take me to see games and stuff. And when I sit here imagining, flash backing stuff I wish I could remember my real father's face just so that I'd know who I have to actually hate but I end up hating this man sitting in front of me chewing up food like nothing's different on this table tonight.



"Louis do you need something?" Lottie nudges whispering.



"No..!" I stop my chain process thinking, "I'm good"



"You seem to have been staring at dad for like 10 minutes straight and you haven't touched your food"



"I said I'm good" I give her the glare. She has to understand this thing. We can't talk on the table.



She takes a bite off my plate, "fantasising dream boy?"she chuckles a bit loud and mom stares at her immediately but gets back to eating.



" are you fu-" I almost bite my tongue, "I'll see you upstairs" I mouth.



"Me too" she replies.



When we're done with dinner I drag lottie to my room.
"Don't fucking repeat that, ever!"



"That's how you treat me?" She folds her arms at her chest, "I don't see big brothers talking to their little sisters like that!"



"Then don't do things I warn you about. I warned you once in the kitchen already" I want shout but I'm keeping a bit low.



"Then why don't you tell her already? She'll be happy" her voice gets softer at the end, "we've all been worried sick about how you must be doing and this is how you treat me?"



She's right. Fuck me, "lottie.." Fuck, "I'm sorry..it's just losing granddad got me" I shrug walking upto her. "I'm sorry"



"I miss him. I missed you" she doesn't look at me when she says this.



"I missed you too" I hug her and she does hug me back.



"Just tell mum. She'd be happy, knowing you moved on Louis. She'd appreciate. What are you afraid of?" She pulls away. She's so daring in asking these questions. I could've never asked like that. Not anyone.



Fuck. How do I tell her he's done? I ran away from him too. I came back here in the jungle of my life to hideaway, to stop receiving the love I was receiving from him just because my questions weren't answered. How do I tell her?
"I'll tell her sometime. It's not the right time. She's worked up about the funeral. She's lost a support too. You know how much grandad meant to her more than anyone else"



"You mean a lot to her too. Did you see her face when you walked in?"



"But I'm not granddad" I say.



She nods standing in her place. "It's just sad to see her keep herself busy with work so that she doesn't cry. I've caught her twice since yesterday" she tells me. It breaks my heart to hear her. It's breaks my heart to listen that I wasn't there for her when she was always there for me. Lottie continues "And it's like I wasn't of much help. She asked about you. A lot of times and she would get frantic sometimes, walk around the whole room. She slept two days straight after the day you were gone"



"Did you take care of her? You were the elder one when I left and I'm sorry I just shifted my part of work on you" I apologize.



"Yeah. I tried my best. Everyone tried. Even dad and probably Ernest and Dorris would also have, if they could" she shrugs smiling a little.



"Thanks a lot?"



"You're welcome?" She laughs.



"You owe me" she turns around and opens the door, "big time"



"I do" I tell her and she shuts the door behind when she walks away.




This place makes me wanna vomit even though I have my whole family living under this roof. This place doesn't want me to progress.



I walk out of the house with my cig packet and lighter. Fuck I've missed this. I walk out into the chill breeze into the dark. It's 10:30 in the night. I walk out the porch. It's silent with dogs barking in the distance. I take a drag and fuck this is the only thing which is making me feel normal right now.



Only a few minutes in the silent and calm must've passed when I hear footsteps, "when I saw your car with the amount of cigarette packets and food wrappers I knew it was yours" the guy chuckles.



It takes me a few seconds to recognize the face under the street light, "Your car looks different though, a bit polished. You're earning this much? I should escape this hell hole too" he continues.



I look away. The feeling this drag is giving me, nobody can ruin it. "Mind?" He points to my cigarette packet.



"Here" he takes one and I light it for him.



"Are you back, like for forever?" He takes drag and stands beside me leaning on the
fence of my porch.



"Nice try. Forever’s don't exist"



"If something's there up until you're dead, that's a forever." Why can't he shut up?



A few minutes pass and I light up another one. I remember Harry asking me if I did drugs. Like was I stoned at the party? I wasn't stoned. I had chain-smoked 32 just to go tell him I was leaving him. I was cigarette wasted kind of.



"You mind, Mark?" I ask after a good ten minutes.



"What?" He takes a long drag.



"Me being here forever?" I drag in.



"No. I don't think so. Are you more comfortable here now than before?" He turns to look at me as he speaks.



"Nope" I blow out, "..this place is more toxic than before"



"Why?" He turns his head so fast, I thought he snapped his neck, "someone bothered you?"



"Stop being protective!" I turn to look at him, "I'm 24 Mark, and I have been managing things now" Mark has always been protective towards me and no matter how much I want him to stop doing that he just doesn't, maybe I like it sometimes. Not every time for sure but he's 23 too he mustn't feel like he needs to protect me. Mark had been protective since the day he found me wasted and high on the second left street from here 5 years back. He hasn't stopped since.



"That doesn't mean you get to be free" he nudges lightly and then chuckles. "You're still the same, aren't you?" He turns to look at me.



"Yeah. Probably" I drag in and blow out," but the new place has made me better, the new people they have changed me"



"You don't act like it though"



"Do you want me to?"



"Nah, I like the sassy you" he nudges again, "but seriously what's the matter? You seem tense"



"The point is, I am here for the funeral but I’m wondering this place too must've moved forward with the world, but it hasn't and it's killing me to be here. Its sulking me inot the hole I escaped"



"Are you okay?" He turns to look at me discarding his cigarette. "Is everything alright?"


"Yeah" I close my eyes taking in a drag. I'm squeezing my pants in my fist just to not make my tears fall down. I'm missing Harry so much right now my chest hurts. I don't want to be here in this moment without him because he's everything I need. I need his large hands wrapped around my body and soothe me just to tell me that grand father dying and leaving me is not something big and everything will be okay. "No. I’m not okay" I confess my tears falling anyhow and I blow out. Fuck. My body is shaking so much.


"Hey.." Mark pulls me close snatching the cigarette from my hand and throws it away."Come here you dumbo" he smiles as he pulls me in a hug.


"What is your problem.?!" I snort trying to pull away from him.


"Stop fighting me. It's not me who you have to fight"


"Fuck you" I ease in.


"C'mon!" He hugs me tight, "what's wrong?"


"You're hugging me and people will think I'm fucking my cousin that's what's wrong"


"They've anyways been thinking that" he chuckles. Ofcourse he's going to joke about it.
"...are you going to tell me or not?"


"Stop hugging me and then I'll tell you. I don't wanna smell like you when I go to bed" I make a gagging noise and he chuckles.


His hand moves to my neck from behind and he tilts my neck sideways and licks a wet stripe, "What the fuck Mark!" I push him away immediately and stumbles backwards chuckling and continues laughing, "Pervert!" I wipe it off, "you are so fucking disgusting"


"Are you going to tell me or not? Otherwise I have a lot of work to do" he shrugs smirking.


I don't say anything and he walks up and stands beside me whispering, "c'mon bitch! Say something, you're worrying me. What happened ?"


"You seriously will regret this knowing" i choke.


"I wont..c'mon. I'm literally begging you right now" He nudges me by his shoulder.


"Okay" I sigh, "I am not really liking it here. Coming back here has made me worse"


"What?" it's not a shocking kind of a what. It's more of a confused what.


"Yes. I am not. I'm feeling completely choked up and its taking all I have in me to be here and if it wasn't for granddad I wouldn't have been here in the first place"


"What are you saying?" he turns me by my elbow harshly, "are you out of your mind?"


"No! I am not. Are you crazy? This place doesn't want me to grow. Don't you see? I come here and again all I'm crowded with, is my past, all that has been going through my head is all the things that happened and that's why I ran away in the first place. I never wanted to be here 3 months before and right now i'm feeling like running away again!"


He sighs standing there. He leaves my elbow and shoves his hand in his pockets, "then I think I should go" what? no!


"Mark!" he turns around and walks away. I jog up to him, "No! Mark.." I pull him back with his shoulder, "i didn't mean you. You're the only thing that's keeping me sane right now. Don't you see? This is the only conversation that did not lead anywhere hurtful and i've ruined it now"


He turns around still looking at the ground." I maybe just your cousin.." he begins and looks up, "but I know when you're troubled or upset. I have known always, haven't I?" he tilts his neck frowning. He's right. He's always known. Whenever I got too up on drinks and was lying somewhere at the corner of the street just a few blocks away from here, he'd always find me. He knew somehow. He's found me passed out so many times I don't even remember how many exactly. We had fights. We got physical, like brutal. He didn't hit me back ever really. Yes, he'd defend himself but not like hitting me back defending more of saving himself defending. But I remember I broke his nose once and he didn't talk to me for a month to be precise and I got so lonely. I needed his constant attention and protection. I still need probably.


I nod, "Yes, you have Mark"


"Then fucking just spit it out already" he shouts, "or is it about Carl?"
What? Why would he even bring that up? Oh my god. "Why would you even bring that up? This is not about Carl. Okay? This...this is about me. I met people there, Mark. They've changed me. They've taught me to know how to live again. That I can still have a family around without caring about the judgements the society thrown at me. That I could care less about everything in my life that troubles me. I can live the way I want!"


"You--" he chokes stepping back, "You met someone?"


"Yes. I did!" he seems so shocked about this, "Why are you shocked?" I hold him by shoulder.


"Nothing...just" he breathes in, " I..wow ..Louis" he scoffs, "You didn't even call me to tell me this.." he pushes away my hand from his shoulder, "Not once" He takes a pause. "How long?" his face has suddenly fallen. It's like he's holding in so much of it, his face is red.


"Uh.....two months..?" he looks up suddenly. He looks hurt so much. I don't know why?


"What's the matter, Mark?" I touch him by his elbow, "I'm sorry I didn't call you. I didn't want anyone to know. It was all so fast.."


"Don't bullshit me with that. It's okay I guess. You anyway don't think i matter to you so that's fine. I shouldn't think that high of myself in front of you, after all I'm Carl's brother. Not Carl himself.." he scoffs at the end.


"Why are you bringing up Carl all of a sudden? You know I don't wanna talk about anything that I left here. I just...Fuck! I do care about him and he'll always be in my mind somewhere and i'll always have this part of him that's his, okay? And I do care about you. Why do you think I'm standing here with you? I told you you're the only one keeping me sane. This is why I hate it here. I'm choking and it's sucking me in. It's dragging me back to where I ran from and I’m fucking terrified of it. If I'm anymore here after the funeral i'm fucking sure you won't see me alive.." all of a sudden this mention of Carl has riled me up. There is so much heat being released off my body all of sudden I'm feeling sweaty in this chilled breeze. Even though it’s almost april now.



"What's.." he begins sighing a little, "What his name?"


"Harry. Harry styles. He has a middle name too"


"Fancy." he chuckles, "What's he like?"


"He's pretty, if that's what you want to know.. He's got caramel curls and he smells of lavender" if I don't stop talking about him i'm sure i'm going to faint because all of this is too much to handle for me. This is overwhelming of overwhelming. Just too much. I don't know maybe this is the first time realizing I'm away from him and that I'm missing him and I'd do anything to be with him. He's far away almost 3 hours away from me and maybe he doesn't know that I'm hurting for him but I know he's hurting for me because I know for a fact that he'd do everything possible to get here if he wants us to be together again.. i'm hurting so much I don't what to say or do.


"He sounds rich. Is he?"


"He is. He's got this room where you just have to clap for the lights to turn on or off"


"What? Seriously?" he laughs.


"Yeahhh..and he doesn't like tea" I think it's impossible for me to not talk about him.


"Oh my god..how are you even dating him?" he makes a surprised face.


"He's very likable though. You fall in love instantly... Fuck! am I a fanboy?"


"Don't know maybe...are you in love with him?"


I don't know how to answer this. This is just cruel. I am in love with him and I know that and it has reached a level that if I didn't have to be here I'd already be up in his arms for whatever reason I ran away from him. Every cell in my body knows that. And that is why it's probably hurting me this much. "I am. Yes." I admit and he nudges me lightly.


"I am so happy for you Louis"


"I'm not" he turns to me immediately when I say this, " I broke up with him"


"Are you serious?"


"Don't know if I should call it that but it seems like it. " I take out a cigarette for him and myself, "I don't know if I even broke up or if this is just a fight but I feel so uneasy every second because I know what he can do when he gets upset and I tried so hard to not make him upset. Every second of my time with him, I was so happy, it was everything I needed. He made feel so special. He didn't even let me pay rent...he literally gave me a panic attack the first time he touched me. And fuck. Wha-t did I do? I ruined it for the both of us. I think it's my fault. Tell me it's my fault, Mark"


"Well I don't know whose it is because I don't know his side. But I think everything takes effort from both the sides, so I don't know what to say here"


I light my cigarette and his too. I take a long drag and blow out, "I miss him"


"Sure you do"


"I was hospitalized twice"


"What?!" he chokes on his smoke, "what the fuck Louis? Hospitalized? You're telling me this now? Well I don't expect you to tell me though. Who the fuck am I even asking?" He scoffs.


"I had a little too much to drink"


"Well at least you didn't die. That's all I can say now." He's being so bitter to me.


"Don't talk about death when that's all that s happening around me." Literally if I stay in this house anymore after the funeral, I'll be dead.



"What does he do? Is he working or..?"
I don't want to talk about Harry but that's what I'm doing anyway.



"He works. At the Syco record label. He's some assistant Music director."


"What?!" His neck snaps,"he records music?"


"Yeah. That's what music director does I guess. He has the whole system set up at his
house" I wiggle my eyebrows.


"Oh my God" he sighs. "I think it's an open door for me"


"Why do you ask though?"


"I've been working on some music besides my medical degree" he smiles so bright when he says this.


"You have?"


He nods. Smiling a little more. He's physically excited about it.


"Wow. Do I get to listen to them?" he's got me excited now.


"Who else Louis? No one's heard anything yet. I just do it when no one's at home. I've written down around a few but I've put music on only two of them"


"That's great! You actually know how to breathe in the hell hole. I was coward to run away!" seriously I could've stayed here with him. he would've been a great distraction.


"Hey! No you weren't. You did what you thought was right, there's nothing wrong in that. And you don't certainly regret running away so why think it as a bad decision? It's good if you're happy with where you are" he pats my shoulder squeezing it.


"Thanks"


"For?"


"For understanding. Not many people do that"


"You wanna go listen to my songs?" He throws away his cigarette. "Hmm?"


"Yeah" I throw away mine too, "Let's go" he just lives one block away from my house.


It must be 3 in the morning now that i've heard him sing ten songs back to back and we've enjoyed. He said he particularly worked on the music because he was alone in this. Because Carl had left long time ago and now I did too. Carl was his real elder brother who died 2 years back. We were three real close brothers anyone could wish for. We were brothers and we were best friends. It hit me worse than what hit Mark after his death. Mark wrote one song for Carl and the other he said he wrote it for me. Mark hasn't yet named the songs so it's all just music and words.


The song he wrote for Carl goes something like this--> https://youtu.be/o_bmQyYaCyM


I would do anything just to be two years old again.

Imagine what we could've done.

Imagine what we could've been.

Making paper planes till the sun goes down.

I'd be holding your hand as you're squeezing onto mine.

Hold on tight, we shall never let go.

Remember building castles out of old lego,

Just to knock 'em down.

See it's changed, now you're not around.

I'm not the same but I hope you're proud.

I wish your little face was still around,

With that cheesy smile, and them little chubby cheeks.

Imagine all the mischief we'd get up to.

Imagine us, tag team, one plus two.

Imagine all the good, bad, sad, and happy times.

Imagine all the time out, naughty step crimes.

Stay up late, watch TV we couldn't watch.

We'd go to school, break the rules, play hopscotch.

And climb trees, chase bees, just to act tough.

And fight, fight, fight, fight over brother stuff.

And sneak out late, play football, 'till the sun goes.

My thunder buddy, I will keep you safe as you dose.

Off to sleep, bed bugs, and counting sheep,

Off to sleep, night, night, baby brother sleep.

Until we meet again, Stay safe, my friend.

And I will keep you in my thoughts 'till the very end.

My little tele tubby, in the sky, with his smile.

My little thunder buddy, I will see you in a while.

I'm missing you,

Like the sun on a rainy day.

When the stars come out to play, Oh, Oh,

I miss you.

And I'm missing you,

And I wrote to be with you, my friend,

I just wish we could be two again...



It did make me emotional. It's about Carl. Anything about him, if you knew him it's make you emotional too. The one he wrote for me got me thinking for all the reasons I love him and for all the reasons he mean to me. He doesn't know that. Maybe I should tell him more about how much he actually does mean to me.


https://youtu.be/3EL20VKlvbs



I'm waiting for you

For I'm broken down

Coming down this time

For my heart lies

Far and away where they took you down

Let them over to your house

Where I'm broken

Down by the people if they let you breathe

Don't give a damn if you still can't see

Still my heart beats, for you

Have become, all I love

And all I hoped for

But I, must carry on

Always one

Never broken

Run to the lobby where I saw you try

Don't give a damn for your reasons why

Where souls free down in the valley where the church bells cry

I'll lead them over to your eyes

Woah, I am one

I am one

Pray, story eye

Peace and love

In a future

Bright, sacrifice

Came around, never broken

Down by the people if they let you breathe

Don't give a damn if you still can't see

Traveling a street that I did not go

Lifetime to the winter load

Down in the valley where the church bells cry

I'll lead them over to your eyes

Woah, I am one

Woah, I am one

I am one



"Do you wanna sleep here tonight? Anyway I don't think there is much time till the morning" he chuckles. "You can leave if you want to"


"No!" I immediately say. I don't wanna go back and sleep in my room thinking of things I'm afraid and running from. Fuck! "I'll be here..I..don't wanna go back"


"Okie" he seems to be excited but he doesn't show it. "I'll set the couch if that's okay? Or you wanna sleep on the bed? " both of us can't fit on the single bed. I'd kick him down anyways so it's better I sleep on the couch


"I'm fine on the couch Mark. And you don't need set stuff. This here, isn't my first time. And thank-you for the song. I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have just gone like that. I should've at least told you. I'm sorry"


He gives me a knowing assuring smile that it's all fine. That it is all going to be okay. Maybe I just need to know that. Maybe I just need to be assured that Harry will be mine and everything will be alright.




Notes

its a double update!!

i seriously recommend you to listen to all the songs! i put down the lyrics only because thats whats it is about. not the music but lyrics. you might've heard them before or you might've not. but do if you need to go into the depth.

but yes! its a long chapter.

Do COMMENT, VOTE AND SUBSCRIBE!!!!!

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.