LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV


I woke up in last night's clothes. This had to happen. I get up holding my head. It's so heavy if I stood up I might just fall down backwards. Nobody gets this moment other than me. I'm wrapped in his clothes smelling like him and for a moment this feels good but then when reality hits me, its the most painful thing ever.


And sometimes I think I should be sorry for myself. For treating myself like shit and i'm sure if this soul was in some other body they would've treated this better.


I'm sorry I can't breathe or even talk right now. This all has gotten even harder since he's left or maybe I should say I let him go and I can't think straight with all this hangover hurting my head. I haven't yet gathered up the courage to call him up and I know he wouldn't call me. And why should he call? What does he even owe me? All I did was hurt him time after time and yes as much as this hurts me right now, I know he's hurting too.


But the fact that all I wanted was him to go and I purposely treated him like shit so that he would leave and be safe and happy somewhere else and I wouldn't bother him anymore. I wouldn't be hurting him anymore and I'd just be happy with that. All the time I spent with him I wanted him to leave and now that he's gone I feel so alone, so lonely that I want him back. I need him back. And when I think about it i feel like I'll choke myself to death if he isn't anywhere near me or with me and that's dangerous.


I can't remember the sound of his voice calling my name over with this continuous beat pounding in my head but I remember him calling me beautiful and wonderful and blessed and lovely and caring and warm and he compared me to the purest of beauties and no one's ever done that to me and I think that's what he is. He does things and he doesn't want credit for it, he doesn't need it. And since he's left I've wanted to feel beautiful again and he made me fall in love with everything and everything hurts and he's been the best thing that ever happened to me but I can't help but shake when I sleep in his torn apart t-shirt because now, I smell of him and I'm sorry that I couldn't interest him in my blood stained floor.





"Have you called him up yet?" Dr Sabrina looks like she rushed up to the hospital just for me. Her hair isn't alright today.


"I've been a pussy ever since I was born"


"Oh my god! Your hangover is worse than I thought.." she chuckles. I was being serious about what I said.


"I'm serious. I haven't yet gathered any kind of courage"


"Has he called you?" She says and picks up the notepad to scribble down something.


"He's too angry to even think about doing that. He hasn't returned since but he was really upset at the party. He was upset about me not caring about him.."


"So he met you? Boy, he's got all the courage."


"Even mine" she chuckles when I say this.


"Have you ever shown him that you do care about him?" She asks and waits for my reply but I don't say anything because I don't remember, "How is he supposed to believe you then? I told you before too, about how much little things actually matter. That's all that's relationships are made of. Aren't they?"


"I.." I do remember, "I gave him a back massage once and I saved him from an accident"


"Something more personal. Something that happens in a relationship? Like he wanted something but didn't know how to ask you about it and you did it for him. That kind of personal, that you know each other by their thoughts. A little intimate in its own way"


I don't think I have done anything of that sorts but he has. He gives me pills every time I wake up from a hangover and I don't ask for the pills and today what n he isn't here my head is hurting like hell. But maybe if I did pressure my brain to think into things I'd remember but my head is already hurting too much. I don't answer her this because it's more of a shame-on-me answer. But I answer anyway, "I bought his Yorkshire tea, 10 whole boxes of sachet packets but he's been mad at me ever since and I hadn't had time to tell him"


"You didn't tell him?"


"It was meant to be a surprise. Like f he opened the kitchen cupboard and he'd see it there...you know" I shrug heat creeping up my cheeks.


"Yeah. That's when you know somebody is there for you, somebody loves you. They figure out what you need and give it you - without you asking.. " she smiles.


I nod in return.


"Maybe that's okay" she continues, "have you ever told him you do care about him? Have there been confessions between you two?"


"Dr. you're going way too personal"


"There's nothing too personal for a doctor. And you are a patient who is at repetitive faults. I've been asking you to do things for him but first for yourself. But it's like you don't get it"


"I'm sorry!" She's behaving like my mom ranting about how I didn't do any chores. Well I never had to but she never let my nanny do the room for me. I always had to clean my room myself.


"Now answer?" she sighs.


"He's the one who always makes me feel worthy. He does the little things." I shrug. I don't even know why I'm being so responsive today. Maybe it's the hangover or maybe that I haven't cried since the past week.


"Do you even know how brave he is? I haven't met him yet Harry but by the way you tell me things about him and the way you've always have, I'm sure he has so much more. No matter what he's shown you. There is deepness in him. He's told you things and that's what it's about. Telling each other things you feel. Things you wouldn't share with anyone else."


"He said I never asked the right questions about the things he wants to talk about and he left because he was tired about me hiding answers about myself. He just wanted to know me" I'm so anxious right now that I'm actually picking the skin at my nails which are more bloody than they ever can be.


"He can't live with a complete stranger. He had to know someday. You were all along afraid of him leaving if he ever got to know. He left anyway didn't he? At least he would've known the right reason before he left. He's living a lie, you're living a lie"


"I made him leave." That's what i wanted all along. For him to be away from me. For him to leave me alone and for him to be safe. And now that he is gone I want him back. "This isn't living. When creatures from the past keep barging into your house to give you relationship advice. You don't call that living"


"You met Nick?" She immediately scribbles down something again.


"He's keeps pleading me to forgive him and he also said he was going to die. God knows how much of it is true"


"I have two questions for you. 1- If you don't forgive him now when do you plan to do that? 2- Is his death going to make you happy? Will him being dead be a relief?"


"That three questions. Firstly I'm never planning to forgive him and secondly if I think about him dying I only relate it, to him not being in my life anymore. Nothing about him is going to make me happy ever. Dead or alive. " period.


"If you don't forgive him at this stage of your life when you're trying to balance out who to love and who not to love, you're going to miss your life in between. Just forgive him. Not for his sake. Or not because he asks you to do so. Just do it because you need to. You need it. You need to rest your mind. Your mind needs it to rest itself. Your body needs it more than anything you'll ever need. You need it, to move on. Go tell him you've forgiven him. You can't provide him the privilege of not forgiving him, you can't. Just forgive him in your soul and your heart. Just forgive and let him know, then we'll talk about how your head feels after that." Dr Sabrina gets hyper sometimes. This is one of those moments.


"I do wish. I do think the same sometimes. Like right now I so want to. But every time I see his face, it's just flashbacks. I can't get it to relate to something else. I want to forgive him so desperately." when I say this she writes down and then looks up again.


"Then do it. Nothing can stop it." she takes a deep breath, writes down something, "Don't you want it to stop? Like make it peaceful for a while? To enjoy what you have?"


I don't know what to answer to this really. even though this question has hit me in the guts and i'm feeling it. Like I want to answer this but im too scared to admit. " I'm scared. That's it" fuck! I feel this lump in my throat, "I'm scared not for me but for the world because if I forgive him i'm letting him lose. I'm letting all the other victims' sacrifices go to waste. I'm making the people who have gone through this suffer again and probably they've had worse than me. I'm being ignorant of the fact that there are millions who are living worse than me and I'm taking away their chance at getting away from this, at being better." fuck. I need a cigarette so bad and my throat is hurting with that lump being there my eyes are watering. "Do you understand what i'm saying dr.?" I need this release. I need to breathe.


"Yes. I do" she nods leaning forward intertwining her fingers on the desk, "I get it and Harry your fight isn't your fight alone. Yes, you are fighting against injustices and cruelty present in this society and you're right probably. But only if you stand up for yourself first you're going to stand up for others too. So, for that you need to be able to come out of your state of mind and battle this and end this here and now. Are you willing to do that for yourself Harry?"


I gulp in and let it out. I let out my tears as I'm clawing my own skin, digging moons in my palm. I nod in return because I'm too scared to say it out loud and maybe If I say it won't happen. "I will" I choke and sniffle wiping off my face, "I will do it. I just want the quiet and I'll do it"


"Then do it. It's good. You're going to miss moments you might earn if you don't forgive him now. You're going to forgive and forget and that's the end of it. No more shit to deal with. You have to flush the anger away if you really care about yourself and Louis, like you say you do, and if you see a future with him. If you're going to concentrate on a part that's so negative you're never going to know that there is anything positive. Scream. Shout. Cry the hell out of it but let this anger move and let positive energy come in. The bitterness inside you has made you do things, think things that you never would. This hatred about your past is ruining your present and giving you no chance at your future. Just flush it. "


"You talk like this all the time and I'm getting this now. " I snort. She looks at me and she's giving me this genuine smile. This smile, I don't know what to call it, proud? I don't know but she's beaming like a sun.


"It's time, you should have followed. You've been a mess these last years because of this. Don't make the rest of them same. I can see it on your face how much you've been fighting this. I've seen in the past week and you've done better. You're so much better than your last sessions. Yes, I agree this a point in life everybody needs sympathy. Breaks ups are sad and messy but you have been stronger this time haven't you? Everybody needs a release and now it's time."


I wonder how much she has in her to say things like this. How much knowledge she is full of. And how much she loves to do this. Oh and love in any kind is selfish. "Both the times I fell in love I made a mess and this one's a mess because of my past one"


"What if this mess just happened becasue you never cleaned the one that was piled up before? You have to clean the mess. You have to get the release. You have to let go of your past if you want anything in the future"


"What's future with Louis not being in it?" when I think of all the odds. This is the worst.


"Things happen for a reason. Maybe Louis was here just to make you realize things. To make you believe in everything that you couldn't believe in before and he left before you could thank him for it. Maybe that's what his purpose was but if you're willing to forgive and forget maybe there'll be a chance with him in the future if its not too late. Because you'll have space to fit when this hatred is gone. No one knows but you have to do things in order to make yourself better. You deserve it. Not because you want it for Louis. But also that you want it for yourself first"


Maybe it is not too late. Maybe I can stop Louis. Maybe I can have a future like she says . I'll just have clean up messes in my life to tidy this one up. The one I really want. "What if it's too late? What if he doesn't fight back for me? " Fuck. The things she's just burned up inside me to make me want to rethink things I've made firm decisions about are actually worth a try. I'm not sure though. What if? What if I go back running and create a much larger mess? What if what I'm scared of happens. I lose him forever. I've lost him now but I can get him back if I give him what he wants but if he goes away forever what am I going to do? "What if he leaves forever Dr?"


"You're worth fighting for and don't forget that. If he doesn't fight for you, he doesn't deserve you. Your peace of mind is much important than driving yourself crazy thinking why something happened the way it did. If it's too late. Just let it go. You've come this far without crying about Louis. Isn't that an accomplishment?"


I chuckle before answering this. She has no idea, "No no. I've cried my eyes out plenty. They're just dry for the time being. You can't even imagine the sleepless nights. I've been shit the past two weeks" seriously if she were just there.


"But you're sitting here alive. What you were before, if you were that now would you have dealt the same way? Insomnia is fine during break ups for a person like you whose been through tons. I am so glad you are so better off than what you sounded on the phone. And what you were like in the last week" she smiles. Like genuine.


"You're happy about me feeling so shitty?" I frown.


"I'm saying it's okay for you to feel shitty than to feel like you want to harm yourself." She writes down something again and looks up smiling "you've been clean, I noticed"


"I've been clean only a month" this is the first time I've ever accepted in front of a therapist that I've been clean. She holds a special place in my life. She's been such a support to me and maybe if she wasn't here I wouldn't be. I'd already be gone in a bathtub full of blood.


"See? All the credit to yourself then?"


"No not really. You hold a major part and then Louis was a great distraction and a little bit to Gems, the rest mine."


"That is an accomplishment. Have you been taking your meds on time?" She starts scribbling down again. And this time it's like she's writing down too much.


"Probably. yeah"


"How's your system healing up?"


"My system?" How does she know about it?


"I told you there's nothing too personal for a doctor. Just answer"


"According to my last report 70%. Last it was on 7 Jan and the next one is due on 7 April"


"So today is 15 March. Okay you have time." She's almost talking to herself. "Take these instead of the ones before. Okay?" She smiles and hands me a prescription. "The vitamins and protein are the same"


"Yeah. Okay" I say as I read. She's changed my happy pills "Thanks"




When I reach back to my room my phone rings and it's Niall on the phone. With all this happening and my head elsewhere I just realized there is a wedding going to happen and I am the best man.


I pick up the phone and before I can answer Niall screams, "Hey!"


"Hi Niall" I say back. "How are you?"


"I'm good" he rushes almost panting, "wish me"


"Are you running?" I'm not sure what he's doing. "What do I have to wish you for? Are you pregnant too?"


"Hell No!" He curses. He curses but not much. "I have to go downstairs in fifteen minutes and I'm so fucking nervous, I'm literally going to wet my tux"


"Tux? What! Why? Where are you? Where are you calling from?"


"Douche you don't remember! I'm in Dublin bitch and I am getting married in fifteen fucking minutes and you being my best man doesn't remember the date" he rushes through his cursing again. Fuck though. I didn't remember the date. Well he never told me the date he was going to leave for Ireland. Some weird cousin was going to be his best man in Ireland so I didn't have to worry about that.


"Oh my God! Congrats! We never discussed the dates. You sure you're not going to pass out before you reach there?"


"Shutup Harry! Tell me something, talk to me to calm down" if he was standing in front of me right now he would've slapped me already.


"Okay okay. Well..um..think about Nina how pretty and happy she would be to..."he cuts me off.


"Well Nina is what's making me nervous. I'm not nervous about Laura, she's done this before. I haven't and I'm shitting my pants. She's whole other responsibility. Fuck Harry I'm.."


"Shut up now. We've had this talk. If she accepts you Niall she's going to be happy with you and you're ready for this. Don't be nervous about her. Don't you take her as your own?"


"I do. I do take her as my own"


"Well then, don't worry! You're going to be just fine. Well then don't shit your pants when you see Laura walking down the altar" I laugh.


"You should've been my best man here too. My god! I'm dying. "


"Have you met Laura dressed up?"


"No that's bad luck. I'm not going to go see her until at the altar"


"You can talk to her though. I'm going to put her up on conference call, okay. Just wait" shit I'm doing something I shouldn't be and probably Niall will disbar me from being his best man after this.


"No!" He screams, "I'll pass out! Fuck no!" Until then I already did call her up and Nina was the one who picked up the call and I asked her to give the call to her mother.


Niall is quite on the other side. He's too nervous to talk. "Congratulations Laura" I wish her.


"Thank-you Harry but you know I'd be so comfortable in walking down the altar in my pyjamas. This dress is so heavy"


"You aren't nervous though are you?"I can't imagine how quiet Niall is he hasn't said anything yet.


"Nervous? What's that!" She jokes,"I'm sweating like a freaking pig. It's ruining my make up" she shrieks.


"I bet Niall is nervous too"


"Damn he should be! He's probably shitting his pants!" She laughs making me laugh in return


"Well then you wanna talk to him?"


"No! He'd cry and then I'd cry "


"Niall you can talk now."


"Hi!" He whispers sniffling, he cried already.


"Niall are you crying?" I ask him. Shit.


"Shutup !" he sniffles again.


"I'm going to leave you two to talking okay" and I hang up my call.



After I hang up I see a text message from Gemma. ~ Will be back about in a week. See you soon


~okay will be there to pick you. H


Shit. Shit ! How will she react to me not being with Louis? I'll tell her when she's back, all calm and collected.


I am being a coward. I've thought about it. Maybe I should call Louis. I should. If I don't
I'll die worried sick or my head will explode. He deserves to know I guess. Dr Sabrina was right if I actually want to be with him anytime in the near future I should tell him even if he walks away at least he'll know what's the reason.


I couldn't have been more nervous than right now. I'm heading to my car. I have to go to the office. It's 10 I'm late I know but I have to go. I can't keep taking leaves like this when Mr. Smith isn't around.


I'm sitting in my car with all the courage and guts I could muster up. I've never done this before I've never turned back to anyone after I've let them walk away from me. I don't really know what to say. It'll be all kinds of shitty. Before driving out of the garage I call him.


I dial his number. And I'm waiting for him to pick it up. He doesn't. Fuck! I was kind of relieved but then I call up again. Two bells must have rung before the call is picked up. It's him. Of course it's him on the other side. He doesn't say hi! Or a hello or a fuck you or even whose this? Nothing but I can hear him sighing on the other side.


"Hey" I say trying to sound as normal as I could. I hear the traffic in the background from his side.


I wait for his reply. I'm sitting in the car my head on the steering wheel and he doesn't
reply. Well he isn't obligated to.


"Where--" I begin but the traffic noise that's coming from the background is much louder than his breath and it's difficult for me to understand how he is. "how are-"


"I'm .." He begins his voice rough ," I'm fine" if anything else couldn't deepen the crack on my broken heart, this has. His voice is building a crack inside my heart.


"Will you.." Fuck me this is so hard, "...where are you?" There are so many questions in my head I can't even form a proper sentence.


"I'm going back to Doncaster.." He deep breathes, fuck what? He's going back? He cant leave like that. "I'm parked on the side. I was driving"


"You're on your way?" If you could see me now I'd be physically surprised. It's like a stab
in my heart twisting. I feel upset. All my excitement is gone.


"Yeah" he must've nodded. I can sense it.


"Will you be .." I gulp in. "Will you be back?"


"I..I don't know. I'm going for my grandfather's funeral. I have noth-"


"I'm sorry Louis. You can always come back?"


"I have nothing left to come back for." He states so simply. Like it didn't even hurt to say that. This is shaking me to my core and I don't know what to do. I want to shout at him and tell hi that he doesn't have to give up on me like that.


"Don't say that Louis. I'm really sorry about everything"


"You're realizing this after what 2 and a half weeks? That's great though"


"I'm a coward you know that"


"Is that an excuse?"


"It's not an excuse Louis. That's what I am."


"I have nothing to say to you"


"Please come back"


"I'll have to-"


"Can we meet once before.." I don't even want to think about us going separate ways but here I am.


"I can't right now. I told you I'm halfway through"


"I'm not asking for right now. Anytime you want"


"Okay"


"I'm sorry for your loss, Lou"


He sighs, like a little loud "That's fine Harry" his voice cracked, it couldn't have made a deeper cut "I'm hanging up" he clears his throat.


"Bye" I say.


He didn't say bye. He just hung up. Fuck! I feel so bad for both of us. This is bad. This is so bad. I drive out of the garage. I'm only satisfied for the fact that at least we didn't fight, we did like have an argument but not fight. At least maybe there's a chance and it's not too late.


I didn't meet Simon the whole day and when I had to consult him about a client. I asked Lilly, his secretary, if he was in his office, she said he didn't report to work today. Who knows why? I'm better off without him anyway. I even get to make my own decisions with Mr. Smith already gone and Simon being absent.
The couple of songs that I recorded today hit me. my head was still in a little hangover from before but the songs that turned out were so beautiful. One of them was Sigma and Birdy's 'nobody to love' and the other one was Jarryd James 'do you remember'. I swear my heart ripped out when I listened to the final version. I hit rock bottom. And if you listened to it, you would too. It made me feel things deeper than I can and I don't know maybe that's what I needed to make my depression worsen.


But I don't really know if this is depression or real sadness. I don't really know the difference. I've been into this many times to not be able to tell them apart. It's like second nature to me and it's a proper part of me which I don't know if it will ever be gone.

Notes

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