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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 101


Harry's POV


I am fighting this urge. I am fighting this urge to not drown in my own blood. if I could actually go and do it i'd be dead and I cant imagine the trauma of people who I look upto finding me like that. i am fighting this so hard I could faint. I'm clawing my teeth and I'm physically weak right now. I'm fighting this urge not to cry and I'm fighting this urge to not break down and I fighting this urge to not fall and if I did it I'd regret the rest of my life. But maybe I have no point living the rest of my life. I no longer have the motivation to get up in the morning. To get up and make myself breakfast and even to go the office. Who am I even living this for?


This whole falseness haunts me. It hunts me right now and it's going to haunt me forever. Nothing stays in the past. We step into our own private cages and bury ourselves in them and after a point of time we're all just trying to claw out of it but in the end we're stuck. Stuck in the grave and we never come out of it. and biggest boldest lie anyone ever told me is that the past stays in the past. past never stays in the past when its living and breathing in your own vicinity and can come out and haunt you anytime they feel like.


I'm never going to come out of this. It's impossible for me to be found again. It's a kind of an upside down. Only if the people dared enough to enter in, to save me from this then maybe I'd try too. But nothing else makes sense. I'm alone stagnating here in the time zone and I hate it. I hate it more than myself. I hate it to even say it out loud. I creeps me out to even think of another day.


I could try to stop and fight this urge. Who am I even fighting this for now? It doesn't make even a little difference if I kill myself. Yeah maybe my sister would be upset but they know this already. They expect this. It's okay maybe, I anyways let them down. But fuck! This fighting, I can't give up. I'm fighting this for a future I hope to see and maybe I'll be able to see it. But who do I do this for? what purpose who I even have?


The clench in my jaw is making my teeth and jaw hurt but it's far much less pain than I feel in my heart right now. It's physically hurting me deep down and if I could just stop running away from things I most certainly don't want to run away from, I'd make the people around me happier. People don't usually get it when I say I don't wanna be selfish. Selfish makes a person weak. They end up doing things for their own purpose and hurting others. But love is most selfish thing existing in this world. And I did it. I did the selfish thing. I loved him and in that way I didn't tell him things I was supposed to so that he'd stay but he left anymore.


If I could stop running on this treadmill maybe I'd come back to reality where everything seems to move so slow I'm able to see the dust particles in the air dancing in this single ray of sunlight hitting the glass.


My life has been like I've been wearing headphones with music on full volume and the rest of the world is quiet, silent and passing around. It's been this awfully loud web from which I've never been able to come out. Everything's been loud since. We are anyways always so occupied in this search of finding what life holds for us that when we find it we don't realise what worth it holds and we let it until it's too late.


There have been times when I would use taxi's to travel and when sometimes they'd take me through a street which was unfamiliar or a bit dark I'd be so ready to jump off the moving taxi. I wouldn't give a shit if I'd die doing that but I'd never ever let anyone do that to me again and I'd kill for that if I had to. I'd do that without even blinking.


But maybe if I tried enough I'd cry right now and maybe then I'd let this lump of feeling vomit out of my throat. I'm not letting my self do that right now. Now is not the time I cry but maybe I should because he's never going to come back to me. But cause I let him walk away.


I really don't wanna do this but the adrenaline and the blood pumping alcohol led me to and yes I did it. I called Dr Sabrina up. Maybe she'll knock some sense into me and I'll be normal again. She's the only one I talk to freely anyway.


After the call she told me she'd meet me tomorrow because anyway this is midnight and it's not very gentlemanly of me to go knocking people's houses at this hour.


But I'm trying to sleep. Sleep into the deepness of the situation I am in. I don't know what to do and I am drunk as fuck right now to even stand up. I went back to my room after running like a mad man on that treadmill for around 10 kilometers without break and now I feel like I just hit a bump in the next second of my ruined life. It's messed up. If I'd just vanish maybe I wouldn't have to think so much.


After about 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling and fighting to sleep or not to sleep I've been lying awake. Imagining things I'd be doing if Louis were here. Fuck! I get up cursing as every limb in my body is now hurting. I don't know why but I every time I'm this out of the real world my scars start to ache. It's like they're thumbing and pumping out blood. It's aches so much it makes me wanna scratch them.


I get up and walk around scratching the scars on my wrist. That's the closest I want to get to my harming. I am fighting this urge to not slice open these wounds. No matter how fascinating and adrenaline rushing it might look I'm fighting it so hard to not do that. But I don't know, some things just don't get to me when I'm at my worst. If I had to explain this to someone I wouldn't be able to. This is messed up in all the ways that possible.


I'm going to write songs. I'm going to put my pain on paper. Nothing else can make me feel right on my own. Nobody's coming to rescue me. No one has ever and I can't just expect people to do that for me. I can't expect that because I'm the one who pushes them away as far as I can so that I can build the thickest wall in front of me. I am so naive and vulnerable all the time that I think maybe every fucking person on this earth is trying to harm me. Even if it was Gemma for that matter. Sometimes I think she could harm me too and that's the least kind of messed up I can get. That's the least.


I don't even how much time passed while doing my thing. Becasue I must've fallen asleep writing down lines. I don't remember coming to the music room and sitting down at this desk. But I so clearly remember things which made me do this. I don't know it's just me or that there's actually some kind of ruffling sound someone making. I don't even know who it is. I get up to walk out the hallway and I see Kaitlyn sneaking around.




"What the fuck are you doing here?!" I scream and she startles all of a sudden dropping her purse. I'm not very nice when I'm sleepy drunk like this. How did she even get in?


"How did you even get in?" Why the fuck do people keep sneaking in anyway? I need to get a personal security guard now.


"Uh..hi.." she says picking up her purse. She's dressed in the same dress I saw her wearing at the party. Did she come straight away or was she following me? Did she wait downstairs or did she see Nick too? Who knows?
The skin tight halter black dress. "I rang the bell twice. You didn't open up. I even stood for a good ten minutes because I saw you leave the party and then I thought you were taking your time but then I checked the knob and it was unlocked so I entered.." she shrugs sheepishly. Well, if she's so embarrassed about it then why did she enter in?


"Hmm.." Well she's not danger I guess. But I am not in my best to attend a guest right now. "Well,.." I scratch my head. What the fuck man, why is she here?, "why..are you here?" I am so fluently slurring right now. I need to sit though otherwise I'd trip so bad.


"I'll leave if you want me to, you know, I just.." She stops talking and looks at me, "I just wanted to know how you're doing.."she shrugs again.


What? She wants to know how I'm doing after like what 5 bullshit years. "Well I am not in my...best to tell you anything..and as you can see" I turn around before she can see on my face that I am actually quite touched with what she's asking. None of my school friends have asked me or called up ever. Well I have had a special relationship with her so yeah maybe. But she could've called me anytime.


"That's okay Harry. Can't we sit for a moment?" She places her hand at my elbow to stop me from walking away. Fuck it makes me feel some way.


"Yeah ...okay." I nod and she leads me to the sofa.


"You ..you've been on my mind lately Harry" she begins, "..after I got the job and all I moved in with Sam. It's been 4 months now"


"Samuel Andrews?" I ask and she nods. Well I knew she had a thing for guys who looked like me. He actually always copied me, only because at that point of time Kaitlyn was dating me and Sam was trying to get her. He was the good one in the troop. He went the most decent way to get his girl.


"Yeah..I like him. I like him a lot and maybe I'll marry him too. Probably soon because he's been everything to me in the past years. But he was already a different person who did good things. He is good...like you"


"Are you trying to make a point?"


"Look the point is, he is the closest I could get to you. And no matter what we've seen you go through pain and we've felt some of it. We wanted to contact you and but you changed your number and your family said you didn't want anyone to contact you.."


"That's right.."


"Yeah..and the bond we had before. Before when we three were best friends we shared everything. Good or bad. And now I wanted to tell you something.."


"Hmm?"


"I'm pregnant" she announces.


What?! "Oh my.. Kaitlyn.. Oh" fuck if I could get more words out of my mouth. It's like a cold breeze just hit me. "Congratulations"


"When I got to know I was pregnant you were the first one I wanted to tell. He doesn't know yet.." This is some fucked up shit. Why are people just sneaking in and trying to talk about things i'm trying to forget. The time I dread. I'm just trying to erase them from my memory and then people just barge in like it's their house and start rambling shit. "It's just that.." She looks down at her hands but then looks up, "I saw you and Louis.. " she says.


Fuck. It wasn't stage drama. People don't get to look what happens in dark places. "You weren't supposed to see that"


"But I did. I saw you guys arguing. And I'm sorry I saw that but I just wanted to tell you, just for last time sake, that you shouldn't let go off him"


"What?" People just can't sneak in and call this their house and then talk to me like it's their godamn business to sneak into people's houses and lives and then give me fucking advice on how and what I'm supposed to do. "You dont-"


"I know I know" she cuts me off, "I'm sorry! I am very sorry for everything. Everyone at the school knew what had happened but nobody turned up. Only Sam and I kept visiting you. I know what you've gone through and how strong you've emerged out to be. Don't let this go off easily. When I saw you guys together. You wouldn't believe me but I was so happy to see you with him. I saw how you looked at him when he came out of nowhere and placed his hand on your waist like you weren't expecting to. I saw the love you have for him and what he has, in a second...just don't let the tiniest things get you, Harry" she dabs her corner of the eye. What is there to cry?


"Get out" I say as calmly as I can. No matter how much I want to scream her out of this house I can't because of the things she's done for me while I went through pain but this not the time she comes up to me and advices me about my relationships. Her face changes completely when she hears this. It's more of a shock than understanding.


"Why? I'm just..."


"Get out" I say again calm. "I'm not in the best mood Kaitlyn please. I don't wanna shout at you, you're pregnant and I don't want to be the one harming you. I'm greatfull you thought about telling me this but this isn't fair to Sam. And I can't let you be the judge of my relationship when your's is the one dangling halfway in the air. Please step out" she's one of the good persons i've had in my life but I guess we were meant only till here.


She turns around speaking nothing and walks up to the door wiping her face. I open the door for her and she walks out but then stops to say something. "Just..just tell him before it's too late. He has to anyway know why you're letting him go. You haven't got anything to lose now" and she turns away to walk out.


Maybe it's true what she just said and maybe I should bang my head against the wall. Maybe I should feel the blood oozing out of the crack on my skull maybe it'll make this all better.


Why do people have to come in here and tell me things about my life, judge me and my actions and all I do is stand and listen? Maybe I have been faulty in making the wall I've wanted to make. Maybe it's not as thick as it should be and it makes people peek in more than they should.


But I don't know if I should tell him because you know what's there to lose anyway. I've lost him already. We're never even going to be friends because we never started with being friends. We started with being strangers and then all of a sudden we were in a relationship where we both would do anything for each other. But this is the part where it stops. Because I don't know if Louis is anymore willing to do anything for me. I know he gave me his 100%. I saw him giving his. He never asked me about things he had questions for but when finally he couldn't stay not knowing he broke. He finally had to give in. I've seen him in his vulnerable state and that's something I would die for but he's never seen me in mine and I'm sure he'd love to.


I can't let him know this. He can't ever know what kind of a loser personality I hold. He can't ever know what I went through without fighting it and I've accepted it as it is. I'm not letting it go and I'm blaming myself for it. He can't know all this. I can't let him go through much worse pain than he already is going through.



He started using drugs. I never could have imagined him doing that. I can't. I can't even picture that even if I saw it happening in front of me.


It's like 4 in the morning of a Sunday night and I feel like crying my eyes out and see the blood oozing out of me. It's always so relaxing. So relaxing that every time my depression hits me this way all I've done is that and I'm so used to it that even lead myself to if my mind would.


But I'm fighting this and that's all I'm doing. I wanna do the ice cube thing he did that day because every time I blink I see this face like someone went and stuck his picture under my eyelid. And I when I see his face I see the horror I made him see once and he doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve to see me that way, it's horrible as it is. But maybe I should do it, anyway he's never coming back he's gone, I've got nothing lose, just a little blood maybe, and if he's not coming back he won't see me and that's whats making my depression go deeper it's sinking me in and I can feel it. I can feel myself go tons deep inside into a darker place.


This is very fucking frustrating right now because it's like I want to come out of it but then things happen all of a sudden unexpected and then I drags me back to the thing I want to end.


And when I deep breathe in this all chokes me and then I'm forced to look at my scars and when I look at them all the pain seems real all of a sudden. They seem like the demons I have fought at 2 a.m. and now that they're a part of me I want to erase them but I can't and sometimes maybe fighting leaves scars and those are mine.


All I want in this moment is to rest and relax. To rest and breathe normal like I once did. Live quietly in my own world and love who loves me back.


But when I think what might've happened I'd like to say that the sun never shined for me, maybe a for a few days in between..but now I've lost my sunshine forever and the whole truth is I'm sad, I'm sad all the time and it's so heavy that I'm never getting away. I'm stuck.


I sometimes wish to write him a letter and ask him if he would still love me if he knew about the demons I need to sing to sleep every night or how I have to tip toe across my own mind just to sleep before daylight or if he got to know where my nightmares came from would it terrify him?


Would it terrify him if he saw my scarred soul? I may never know.


Notes

shit! harry makes me sad sometimes and sometimes i want to hate louis' mindset in this story but then sometimes i think thats what is required in a relationship so i let it go.

comment and tell me if you think the characters are justified in their behaviour? and anything else you wish to share.

ps: this is my exam + birthday month so i don't know maybe i'll be a bit busy studying and shit. but i always find time to update even if its a bit late! don't worry i'll only vanish once my story is complete!


COMMENT, VOTE AND SUBSCRIBE!!


Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.