LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's pov
I enter in find the door unlocked. did Louis come back? I look up after locking the door behind me and,


"What the fuck are you doing here and how the fuck did you enter ?" Whenever I see his fucking face in front of me. It's not just a trigger it's a fucking messed up image which keeps flashing in front of my face and no matter how many times I want to delete it, it just keeps reappearing. He a virus in my system. An 'I love you' virus. It's the most fucking dangerous virus a system can catch.


"They want to arrest me. I have a case on me" I wish I could say I care but who the hell is he?


"Do i look like i care?" I walk to and fro across the room. What the fuck is his problem with me?


"I've been on the run since 3 weeks"


"So?" like I care.


"I want to end this. The running" he pleads. He doesn't have to sit here and do things. He can just fuck off.


"Do I look like the police?"


"You look like the thing i want"


"I'm not a thing. And fucking please stop this. Just leave in a minute or I have 911 on speed dial." everybody has 911 on speed dial.


"This is the last time I meet you. No worries after this" he states simply. its just s simple for him. I hope he can live with this.


"You're making my house stink. Leave immediately" fuck if I could beg and he would leave. but I cant give him that satisfaction


"Why is that you're always talking about me leaving and I'm always trying to get something out of this conversation?"


"Because I don't have time for all the bullshit you place on my table"


"I told you if you listen to me this is the last time I bother you or anyone for that matter. I swear to God"


"Don't you even swear. Nothing matters. I don't trust you anymore and that's all that matters. And what does this even mean you won't bother anyone? Should I thank God for this?" Fucking creep.


"I'll thank him personally"


"Why don't you just leave before I call in the police, my lawyer and everyone else who you'd regret to see? Hmm how's that sound?"


"It's been four fucking years, harry?! Why don't you just give it up? Why don't you want to end this?"


"I want to end this. oh god! I want to end this so desperately, i'd die if I had to. I want to end you basically and automatically this hurt ends. And I can be a normal person again. but I think you've been sleeping well in the past four years. how do you look at yourself in the mirror?"


"Normal?" he scoffs.


"Anything which is not this is normal and just fine to me"


"I can end this if that's what you want" his voice is calmer and more like convincing but can he ever be convincing?


"I'll take anything that's not you"


"Let's end this. For both of us"


"This hasn't been easy"



"Even when I knew I couldn't do anything about it I knew you were hurting bad. And all becasue of me. I..I didn't even continue after the first night Harry.."




"Oh my fucking...God! You wanna bring this all up? You wanna dig up corpses? I'm ready. I've been ready for this since the day you fucked...in every sense of the word. If I could wish for anything right now, I swear I'd wish to let you live if you regret what you did, even a bit..but God! I know you don't"



He gulps down looking at me straight. How can be even look at what he's done, "I've felt all the hatred you have towards me since the day everything changed but now what I see is this physical form of hatred I was so scared to face. And this is so...so hurtful. I can't imagine we were so close once we used to kiss each other. And now what I'm seeing is you so angry. .please Harry I don't need this right now when I'm about end this. Let this be peaceful" he's so calm in saying all this. Like it doesn't matter. Hurt? Tell me about it.



"You changed it. You fucking slapped my face. You just couldn't understand me in that moment and that's what's most surprising to me. We knew each other since the day we were born but in a moment so pure all you wanted was to betray my trust. I wasn't ready and maybe if someone still wants to do it I still won't be ready. But nobody had the right to do this to me. No fucking one. And if you decided to ruin it, it's on you. Everything is on you Nick and it still surprises me that you didn't understand me in that moment. You let your desperation above everything. You let it ruin. And let me thank God for this that he let me see your true face in the beginning. I fucking hate you more than ever. And this hatred it's never going to end. No matter how much regret you feel. Nothing. Can change this."



"I am sorry. I am sorry. I am SORRY HARRY!! Tell me how many times do you wanna hear it to let me live. I begged you the last time too. I've regretted it since the moment I began but I don't know what came over me Harry. Maybe it were my friends who egged me on. I don't know. But I was stupid. Stupid stupid. Dumb to even think about it. Please just let me live this moment with you and then I'll vanish. I'll vanish away nobody would see me. No one. No worries. Nothing. Everyone will be happy. If normal is all you want I'll give you. I'll give you every fucking bit of it. Just let me forgive myself." I wanna laugh t his face. he regrets it? he comes to tell me this now?



"It doesn't matter now. Don't you hear me? It doesn't matter. I am back to square one. It's been my fault I make wrong friends all the time. It's my fault I want to believe in humanity. It's ruined. It's gone! It's gone! It's gone!! It's fucking gone!!" I voice has reached the roof top. I don't care if anyone come's banging at door to keep my volume down. fuck him! fuck them! "And as soon as it's possible fucking leave. I don't wanna see your face again. Don't just fucking come back. Just fucking don't and do that before I bash this vase on your fucking face."



"Do it" he says as his face turns serious.



"What the fuck? I know you're crazy and insane and what not but just don't make me mad more than I already am. Just fucking get up from my sofa. You've already ruined a $45000 piece. Just fucking get up man, don't test me!!"



"Just do it. I want something to happen to me so that I know I can still have an effect on you in some way. And maybe if that can let me to have a kind of connection with you, that'd be my death wish." His voice couldn't sound more serious. I don't know what he's up to. Maybe he's drunk. Maybe he's just out of his mind. Maybe he's just upset because he got fired or something.



"Are you drunk or are you seriously acting like this because you got fired and now is the time you're getting all the after effects?"



"This is the last place I wanted to visit before I end this. This pain I give you. I've seen you grow into something I'd be never wish you'd be because I've known you like a person you used to be and all..." His voice breaks and a tear start to roll down. If that could melt me 10 years back from now i'd hug him but right now. Nah. Not even a bit. "All that you've become. All this hatred for me it's just pure negativity which I can't handle anymore. I wanted this to stop the next day but all these other guys that thought his was a game and they didn't let me stop this. I cried for two nights straight Harry. Two nights straight wanting for all this to stop but I couldn't and I regret it till today. This second. I'm sorry I put you through storms and disasters which you never deserved. No one deserves this. Maybe I do, for doing such a horrible thing. But just forgive me before I die. Before I fall. Please.." his voice keeps cracking.



"Now? Now you're telling me? But this does not have any meaning. I'd lost everything the first second this happened, okay? So this... whatever you're saying, I don't know neither do I want to remember. You say you wanted this to stop but after all this happened, after a month when I woke up from my coma rotting in hospital beds for I don't even know how long you never even came to see me. How can that be possible for you to say this now?" how fuck is that possible for him to come here and say all the fucking stuff again to my face.


"How could have I? There was an investigation going on me. I had been issued a restraining order against you. I couldn't have seen in public for almost a year but then I decided to make my career. I just couldn't hide anymore."


fuck him, career? "All this is so easy for you to say. Your career. Hiding. fuck you!! You never cared for me. You'd still mock me every time I saw you in meetings or you barged into my office. I don't even know why I ever took my statements back from the police. You should've been in prison for around 20 years and maybe then I would've made my career. I am standing here because of my family and because of some friends who still believe in me. So maybe you can fuck off right fucking now or I've already called the police."


"I want to end this" he walks upto me, "please...just please say you still love me. Please it'll end. We don't need the police "



"Walk away now.. It's a matter of only five minutes"


"You don't understand.. It's a matter of three words just say it, I'm gonna die soon anyway"


"What you got cancer or something?.....What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just leave? Why can't you do the one thing I ask of you?!!" I scream.


"Please...please I beg you Harry please. Let me die peacefully. Please..."


"Nothing's going to change who you are and whose been effected and how many people you've hurt....I don't wanna keep repeating the whole thing every time you beg. Please fucking step out" The amount of blood which had to boil has already reached and crossed many levels. I don't wanna really cry this time. I wanna reach a level where I talk about this and I don't cry or give in. And maybe in that moment this fucking person would actually vanish away from my life and I'd be normal again.


"You fucking son of a bitch. Leave!! I said leave!" I push him away. I push him with all the force I have. I know I have to get my hands dirty to do this but what else can I do? I push him towards the door and he stumbles back. He never fights back because that's all he wanted. He wanted connection. Even if I was fighting him. He's crying and he's smiling some sort of way. Maybe I couldn't do anything to make him stop or go away.


"I couldn't do anything good for you Harry.." he sobs wiping off his face and standing straight at my door, "but you accepted my last wish and I couldn't be thankful. Thank-you so much. See you soon"


All the fucking people in this fucking world think they can fucking barge into my fucking house and can do any fucking thing that they want to and tell me fucking things their way even when I fucking tell them to fucking leave and keep me the fucking out of it. Why the fuck can't just people fucking understand? Why the fuck does my NO mean not a fucking thing? Why don't they fucking know their fucking boundaries?


I am so fucking angry right now that if I balled my fists my knuckles would turn white and my nails would dig into my palm. I want to break things and I want to smash things in the wall and watch them turn into a million pieces like me. I just want smash away all the china in my kitchen. I want to smash all the show pieces. It's of no use. I want break my instruments. I wanna break and smash and turn all things into tiny pieces, into powdered pieces. I am so fucking angry I'd do anything to not see a fucking thing. I wanna be so fucking loud for once so that the world knows what they've done to me. I wanna be so damn loud everybody's attention is on me.


I hate the world. I hate everyone living on this planet and I hate every non living thing. Fuck. Fuck every fucking one who’s happy because of all the material things. If they do not cherish every moment of their lives when they're happy they do not deserve to be living in parallel with me.


I am going fucking shutdown everything. Every fucking thing. I am going to shut down my pain. I am going to shut down the good and the bad. Everything until there's nothing left for people to destroy. Nothing. Not even my damn breath.


I could kill someone right now and not feel a thing. I could run away from here and land in a place where no one knows me and fuck whoever the fuck I want to and live wherever the fuck I want to and shave my fucking head if I want to.


I furiously walk towards the hallway and up the stairs to the bar. I'm going to drown myself and no even give a fuck about it.


I've never asked much from God, even for that matter people. I didn't even ask for
happiness. Like ever. I just asked for a little less pain. A little less pain for me to feel something else. A little less space for pain so that I could build something new for myself. But I guess it's never going to happen.


I thought I was his forever but maybe I was mistaken.


You don't drink for the taste. The truth is, straight alcohol tastes like shit but when you're chugging plain vodka at three in the morning only because you miss him so much, you don't give a shit how it tastes. Because for once you're thinking about something else other than him. You're finally distracted.

Notes

hey! hope you guys enjoy the chapter.

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lots of love xx