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I Can't Hold Back

Chapter 20

Things were finally starting to look up. Niall and I were actually doing really well, and it had only been a week since we’d talked. I enrolled back in school and was happy to see my life getting in order. I had never been so excited to pick classes in my life. Finance and International Business Affairs actually sounded fun. To celebrate, Kim took me shopping to buy new school clothes. While I was looking through a rack of sweaters at Fred Segal, I received a call from my sister.

“Hi Kennedy,” I smiled into the receiver as I pulled out a cute black knit sweater with pearls at the collar.

“Kittycat! How are you doing? Things still good?” She sounded happy, and she should be seeing as how things with Mr. Doctor hottie were going well for her.

“I’m super good. Niall and I have been nothing but happy. And now we’re taking things slower, adjusting to what’s happened before we go rushing into everything again. I’m really happy.” I walked around the store smiling as Kim tried on some clothes. I stopped and browsed through some leggings. “When am I going to see you?”

“Aw, Cat, I am so glad to hear that! And I will visit soon! I’ll ask for a week off when I head to work later. Are you sure you won’t be too busy with classes?”

“No, not all. My counselor said I should take a smaller credit-load than usual and that I could take extra classes next summer. We can hang out whenever you want. You’ll love the spare bedroom. Niall and I just ordered a bunch of new furniture for the house. I’m so excited to see you!” Kim walked out of the dressing room wearing a cute cream colored sweater dress and I gave her a thumbs up for approval.

“Oh goodie! Well I’ll let you know when I find out when I can come down. I love you, Cat!” I said

“I love you, too” and hung up the phone. Kim was back to looking at more clothes, and I decided to buy a cute emerald green long-sleeve cut-out dress that I could wear on a date with Niall. As I handed the cashier my credit card, I got a text from Niall.

Remember, Charlie, I’ll love you forever.
Well, that’s strange. He was probably trying to be sweet while he watched the Derby game. Of course, Ni. And I’ll forever love you I sent back, then signed the receipt to hand back to the cashier.

----

“Call me and we’ll double date this weekend! Zayn says he misses your sarcastic ass,” Kim joked as she dropped me off in front of my house.

“Well how can I resist the compelling words of Zayn Malik? Love you and I’ll call you later!” I laughed as I closed the car door and walked towards my home.

When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Niall wasn’t watching the TV. “Ni?” I called as I walked into the kitchen. I dropped my keys and bag on the counter and grabbed a glass to fill it with water. I sorted through the mail and browsed through a Neiman Marcus catalogue. Niall still wasn’t coming downstairs, and I tried to listen to see if the shower was running. I couldn’t hear anything, but noticed an envelope on the counter next to a single red rose. I carefully tore open the envelope and took out the many paged letter that was inside. The handwriting was neat and clean, and the pages smelled as if someone had sprayed them with cologne. As I read through each page, my heart beat faster and faster. I dropped the letter and my water and ran up the stairs to the master bedroom, glass shattering all over the kitchen tile.

Charlie,


It’s hard for me to put into words how I feel. These past few months…well, they’ve been the best months of my life. You are everything to me, and you always will be. You loved me for me, which is hard to find for a guy like me. The way you look at me with those big brown eyes and that sweet smile – you melt my heart every time. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I meant something more. Like I wasn’t just an object people see on their computers or their TVs…I was actually human. Not once did you use me for my fame or treat me any different than you would treat a normal guy. And I thank you for that, Charlie, thank you so much. Every time I look at you I fall in love all over again. I’m the luckiest guy in the world.


But I fucked up, Charlie, and I ruined everything. I should have been there for you after we lost the baby, but instead I only thought of myself. You didn’t deserve that…and I never deserved you. Truth is, I felt responsible for what happened. The memory of everything that happened that day still haunts me. I could have caught you, could have stopped you from leaving. But no. Our whole world was turned upside down. I was so excited that I rushed everything. I can just imagine how you felt – all those eyes and hands all over you…it must have been terrifying. I just wanted to show you off; let people see what I actually accomplished with my life. A beautiful woman, a loving child – it was everything I always dreamed of. Want to know a secret? I was going to ask you to marry me during our trip. I had planned on distracting you with my mom while I went to a jeweler in downtown Dublin to find the ring. I was going to take you to St. Stephen’s Green and propose to you under Fusilier’s Arch. It would have been perfect, just like how you are perfect to me.


I can’t forgive myself, Charlie. I let that man destroy your innocence. If I was there he wouldn’t have hurt you. Instead I was filling my liver with alcohol. I hate myself for allowing that to happen to you. There’s something wrong with me – something I don’t understand. I should have been your hero throughout everything, and instead I was your enemy. I wish I could change the past to alter the future. I wish I could go back to when we were happy...when you looked at me with love instead of sorrow. I wish all the mistakes I made could be erased from my record and I could start fresh. But I can’t do that. That’s how life works…you can’t change a thing. I want you to know that I would never change meeting you, Charlie. That was the greatest act of fate I could have ever asked for. Since the moment I met you I knew you were going to be a big part of my life. Don’t forget that Charlie – don’t ever forget how much you mean to me. When I was back to living with Harry, I tried to go on like I never rear-ended your car. I pretended the baby was never conceived, and that we were just going through a bad breakup over something else. But that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I should have owned up to my slip-ups and regrets, and I made a big mistake. A mistake that sickens me. You were right – I can’t accept the things I have done. I mean, what kind of man leaves the woman he loves like that? A coward. You might not see it, but I’m the biggest coward of them all.


Just know I wanted to do this, Charlie. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. Everything I’ve done…Charlie you were the only thing I was doing right and then I ruined it. I’m sorry to do it this way, but I knew any other way you’d stop me. I needed you to be out of the house…out of this house I no longer made a home. I started planning it right after you told me what he did to you. It was my fault, and I can’t live with that regret any longer. None of this was your fault, if anything you kept me alive this past week. But I can’t hold on any longer, and I just need to let go.


Oh, but Charlie, you are so beautiful, baby. I know one day you’ll be the powerhouse of some big-shot company and people all over the world will be speaking your name. You’ll have a magnificent home in the city, a loving husband, and three beautiful children that will be your world. You’ll be the greatest mother a child could ask for; always baking cookies and cleaning dirty faces covered in spaghetti sauce and God only knows what else. You’ll teach them how to drive like a true New Yorker, road rage and all, and they’ll laugh at your countless impersonations of celebrities and all your friends. You’ll be the favorite aunt of all the boys’ kids because you’ll let them stay up late and drink a beer while they watch TV. Harry will come to you with advice on how to raise his curly-headed monsters because you’ll be a natural at it. You’ll go to Louis and Eleanor’s annual Christmas party and get drunk off your ass on cranberry vodkas, laughing with Liam and Zayn. You’ll be invincible. And I hope -- that when your kids are off having their own lives and you’re retired in the mountains with your husband -- you’ll think of me. You’ll remember the good times more than the bad… and you’ll smile.
I’ll be watching over you always, with little Rosie in my arms. I’ll tell her all about how amazing her mother is, and how you can’t wait to meet her one day. I promise I’ll take care of her. And just remember I'll love you forever Charlie, even when you don't love me.

Forever in your heart,


Niall James Horan


I screamed as I threw open the bedroom door and saw my boyfriend’s limp body on the bed. The bedside drawer was open, and the empty bottle of my pain pills accompanied an empty bottle of whiskey by his hand on the pillow. There was vomit everywhere, and a smell of stale urine enveloped the air.

“Don’t do this, Niall! Don’t leave me!” I shrieked as I rushed over and pumped up and down on his chest with my hands clasped in one another. I repeated this movement until I couldn’t lift my arms anymore. Finally, I collapsed onto his body and wept as the realization of it all sank in.

Comments

Oh my gosh! The ending has left me crying! This story is filled with too much tragedy!

Just read the first chapter... USC? Sounds like the you are talking about University of South Carolina

Oh my god my heart feels broken!! You are such a great writer, I almost felt like I was experiencing the pain. I hope Niall and Charlie are together with their baby in heaven!! Great job on the story write another Niall story!! This time where they live lol!!

sniff niall died sniff nooooooooooooo! I loved it!, until niall died. I cried for hours! ur a very phenomiNIALL writer! read my story through the dark.its the one with the lyrics except they r about niall.

i just finished reading this and im a mess! you are a really talented writer :) i loved it