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I Can't Hold Back

Chapter 17

I woke up in a strange place. White walls and fluorescent lights stung my eyes, and the smell of sterile wipes filled my nose. My head felt heavy, and I scratched at the several IVs up and down my body, a strange clear liquid running through them. Looking to my right, I saw Niall sleeping on a chair, a bunch of used tissues by his feet. I stared at him awhile, wondering what he was dreaming about. His eyelids were moving fast, and I could see his fingers twitch in his lap. He was having a nightmare.

I heard the door open and moved my head to see a nurse walking in with a tray of food. Surprised to see me awake, she put down the tray on the table next to me. She swiveled it so it was perfectly set in my lap, and I looked at her to see sadness in her eyes. Without a word, she left the room and softly closed the door behind her.

I looked at the food in front of me. There was a plate of mashed potatoes, peas, and some sort of beef. Next to that was a plump roll with a packet of butter, and a small container of chocolate pudding. I felt empty, and thought that maybe I was just hungry. I began to open the pudding when the door opened again. This time, a man in a white coat walked in with a manila folder in his hands. He was about to introduce himself to me before he noticed my sleeping boyfriend next to me.

“Don’t worry about waking him,” I said as I looked over at Niall, “he’ll sleep through anything.” The doctor smiled and stuck out his hand.

“Good morning, Charlie. I’m Dr. Weaver. It’s good to finally see you awake.” I smiled at him and he continued, “I’m here to talk to you about what happened yesterday. Do you remember anything?”

I rubbed my temples as I tried to recall the previous day. “The only thing I remember is hitting my head.” I kept quiet about hearing Niall scream. I was hoping it was just a nightmare of my own.

He sighed and bowed his head which made a chill run down my spine. I began to get nervous and fidgeted my toes. “You have a mild concussion, nothing to be too worried about. Just make sure you take your prescription and you’ll be fine.” I relaxed my shoulders and let out a deep breath, not realizing I was holding it in all that time.

But he wasn’t done. He took my hand before speaking again. “However, the impact of the fall was too much for the baby. I’m so very sorry, Charlie, but we weren’t able to save her.” My mouth turned dry.

“Does Niall know?” was all I could manage to say. He nodded his head and I looked down at my hands – they were trembling. “Thank you, Dr. Weaver. I’d like to be alone now if you don’t mind.” He squeezed my hand before letting it go and left the room.

My hands continued to shake as I felt my stomach toss and turn. Her. I was having a girl. Niall and I were going to have a daughter. But not anymore. Not anymore because I lost her. I lost my daughter. I killed our fucking child.

A swell of rage ran through me and I launched my half-open pudding at the wall, the chocolate custard splattering against the once perfectly white tile. Screaming, I knocked the rest of my food clear off its tray. Niall jolted awake right as I ripped two of the IVs out of my arm. I pulled out the others while he quickly ran to my side, trying to calm me down.

“Charlie! Charlie, stop!” I flailed my limbs and slapped him clear in the face without a care in the world. I tried to run out of the bed but he still had a hold on me, weeping into the back of my hospital gown and begging me to stop. I cried out in despair as two nurses burst into the room and helped hold me down. I struggled to break free as I saw one of them pulled out a needle and then stab it into arm. My body felt numb as I slowly started to relax, feeling the liquid run up my veins. I heard one of them call for the doctor but fell asleep before he arrived.

-------

When I woke up this time, Niall was gone. No one was with me; I was completely alone. There weren’t any tubes sticking out of my body, but there was a small white cup filled with pills next to a glass of water on the table. I swallowed the pills without the water, and crumbled the paper cup in my hand. I noticed a remote control next to me, and decided to turn on the TV in front of me.

An old episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tuned on and I watched to try and make myself feel better. I didn’t. I turned off the TV and rubbed my eyes. The door to my room opened, and Niall walked in with a teddy bear. It was large and brown, holding a heart that said “Get well soon.” He handed it to me and stood next to me, waiting for me to say something. I wouldn’t touch the damn bear, and just looked straight ahead at the wall. They had cleaned up the pudding.

“Charlie, I don’t know what to say. I’m…I’m so sorry.” He started to cry but I couldn’t. I didn’t feel anything. I stared at him while he wept, snot running out of his nose. I wish I could have felt something, could have held him and cried with him, but I couldn’t. The only thing I felt was the air moving in and out of my lungs.

“There’s nothing to say, Niall. I lost our baby. I fucked up and lost our daughter. Nothing can change it, and nothing will.” My words felt harsh as they left my tongue. He dropped his mouth after I finished, a small cry escaping his lips.

“Ou-our daughter? We were having a girl?” He collapsed in the chair next to me again, his mournful sobs filling the room.

Oh shit. Holy fucking shit. He didn’t know. Niall didn’t know the sex of the baby. The doctor never told him. He probably didn’t want to. He didn’t want him to be in even more pain. But I told him. I broke the news on the life we would never have together. Oh my fucking God. I went to hold him but couldn’t move. So I sat there watching him, praying that I’d fall asleep over pure exhaustion.

That’s how the next couple of days went. Niall cried while I stared blankly at the wall. Nurses came in and out with food and pills, but I only took the liberty of eating the pills. I think they were pain killers, because I felt nothing after I took my dosage twice a day. At around 5 o’clock two days later, Dr. Weaver came in to tell me I was going to be released. He handed me a full bottle of pills and a prescription for a refill if needed. Europe sure was easy about giving out prescriptions. I put on some clothes Maura had bought me the day before and put my pills inside my purse. I denied the wheelchair they asked to escort me out in, and hopped in the backseat of Niall’s Range Rover as his mom drove us back home.

“I packed your things for you like you asked, Charlie. Your flight leaves tomorrow morning at 6. Do you want to stop and get some food?” The concern in Maura’s voice made me crave my own mother, who I had called shortly after waking up from my antiseptic. Hearing my mother cry made my heart break in half, but I still couldn’t muscle out any tears myself. She planned to stay with me as soon as I was back in LA, and promised to get Niall’s and my house in order while I got my rest.

“Thank you, Maura, but I’m not hungry. I’m just tired.” She smiled at me through the rear-view mirror as Niall stared coldly out his window. I had exchanged very few words with Niall, not knowing how to approach him after I had broken the news about our child being a girl. He seemed icy-cold whenever I heard him speak, and he hadn’t looked me in the eyes in days.

When we arrived back at the house, Maura helped me out of the car while Niall rushed his way inside. As I entered the foyer, Niall’s dad was greeting me with his arms open wide.

“Oh, Charlie it’s so good to see you.” He wrapped me in his arms as he lightly sobbed, Maura soon joining in.

“Bobby, come on now. Charlie needs her rest,” Maura sniffled as she moved my body towards the stairs. I stopped dead at the sight of them. My feet wouldn’t budge. I just kept seeing myself fall over and over again. There was a small scratch in the wood from where I had fallen, and the entire thing smelled like cleaning supplies. I just stared at the stairs, hoping somehow they would go away.

Maura noticed my hesitation. “Don’t worry, darling. We have a guest bedroom on the first floor you can rest in.”

She led me into a room next to the library. I sat down on the bed and took the pill bottle out of purse. Dr. Weaver suggested I only take a maximum of four a day, but I felt as though one before my flight wouldn’t hurt. I dry-swallowed the little white pill and took my shoes off. As I pulled back the covers on the bed, Niall walked in carrying a tray of tea.

“Mum said I should bring this to you. Sleep well.” He turned to leave but I got up and grabbed his arm.

“Niall, talk to me.” He shuddered out of my grip and looked me dead in the eyes. They were the saddest blue I had ever seen, like the sky on a rainy day in the middle of spring.

“There’s nothing to say, right, Charlotte? We don’t have a child anymore and that’s that. Get some rest before your flight tomorrow.” He walked out of the room while my heart stung. I had never seen Niall this upset. Even with all the shit before, he’d never been so mean to me. It was all my fault, so I guess I couldn’t blame him. I poured myself a little bit of tea and drank it while I stared out the window of the room. It faced the driveway, and I saw someone hop into the Range Rover. They were punching the steering wheel and I saw them yelling at the world as the tears ran down their face. I looked closer to see it was Niall. I put down my tea and went to bed.

-----

Surprisingly, Niall was flying back to LA with me. I thought for sure he would have stayed with his family, but maybe his home brought back too harsh memories at the moment. There was a tearful goodbye before we left, but no tears from me. I hadn’t felt a god damn thing in days. Niall took the window seat on the plane and zonked out, so I decided to watch the in-flight film of Changeling. Fucking perfect. After the movie was over, I continued to read my magazines from before for the rest of the agonizing trip, hoping to God things would get better once we were home.

When we landed in LA, Niall didn’t say a word as he grabbed our bags and threw them into the back of his BMW that was waiting for us outside. There was a ton of paparazzi surrounding LAX, and I was beginning to feel trapped. They were asking tons of pounding questions like “where did you guys go” and “what’s with the attitudes.” I couldn’t even fake a smile at them, and I knew we would be the top news story on E! News tonight. Niall ignored them all as he put me in the front seat and got into the car to drive away.

The ride was silent as we pulled up to our new house, but I noticed three cars in the driveway. One of them was Harry’s Range Rover, and I’m guessing the silver Mercedes belonged to Louis, and both were parked next to my good old Malibu. I waited for Niall to get out of the car first before exiting. He went to grab all our bags, but I stopped his hand and grabbed two of my own. He looked at me but still didn’t speak, so I dropped the bag and grabbed his face.

“Please, Ni. Talk to me. I can’t handle you hating me on top of everything else.” I kissed him and he looked at my lips with tears in his eyes.

“I could never hate you, Charlie.” He began to walk towards the house and I sadly followed him inside.

There were boxes and misplaced furniture all over the place, and the smell of cookies baking in the oven filled my nose. There was chatter in the living room, but it stopped as soon as I closed the door behind me. Niall took a deep breath before walking into the room, and I followed suit.

As we entered the room, everyone was silently staring at us. I looked around at everyone’s faces, all of them full of sadness and heartbreak. That’s when I found my mother sitting next to Liam. She was supposed to be arriving tomorrow, but, knowing her, she probably took an earlier flight just to make sure I was okay.

As she rose from her seat, tear stains on her face, I finally lost it. Everything I had been keeping inside rushed out of me at the sight of my mother. I sank to the ground in tears as she hurried to hold me, and I wept into her shoulder like I used to when I was little. Whenever I scraped a knee, got into a fight with my sister, or was heartbroken over a guy; my mother was always there to hold me. And now…now she was holding me because I lost my own daughter. I would never be able to hold my baby like this. I would never be able to help clean up her wounds or heal her broken heart. She was gone -- my daughter was gone. I sobbed uncontrollably into my mother as I heard her cry, too. I felt so helpless and wanted nothing more than to just lie in her arms until I fell asleep.

“I love you, mommy. I love you.” I tried to calm down but didn’t know if I could.

“My baby, my sweet, sweet baby.” She cradled me in her arms until I finally stopped crying. I noticed a tissue next to my face and saw Eleanor holding it out to me. I took it and thanked her, my voice weak and breaking. She rubbed my shoulders as I blew my nose and wiped my face.

By this point, all the boys had gathered around me, Naomi and Kim among them. They dropped to their knees and formed a group hug around me. I heard a bunch of apologizes and felt all the love around me in-between the tears, and it comforted me to be back home amongst my friends. Once everyone broke away, I noticed Niall was silently crying at the doorway of the living room, his fingers pinched around the bridge of his nose. Harry walked over and led him to the bathroom to calm him down.

“Thank you for being here for us. It means the world.” I smiled while I stood up, helping my mother up as well.

“Anytime, Charlie. We love you and are always here for you. Do you need anything?” Louis’ words were sweet and sincere, and my heart felt warm at his gesture.

“I’m fine, thank you. I think I’m just going to unpack my bags and get some rest. I’ll call you all tomorrow.” Everyone nodded and kissed me goodbye, someone slipping a note into my hand as they walked out the door. I hid it in my hand as I watched Harry come out of the bathroom with Niall. I saw him whisper something in Niall’s ear, but his curly hair blocked my lip-reading abilities. Harry gave me a long hug before he left, and kissed me on the cheek before driving away with the others.

While my mother rubbed Niall’s back and talked to him, I opened the note out of sight. Don’t let him slip away, Charlie. I couldn’t decipher whose handwriting it was, but shoved the note into the pocket of my jeans at risk of it being seen. I took a deep breath and grabbed my bags to head upstairs. I carefully took each step, making sure each foot was planted firmly before lifting the other. Once I made it into the master bedroom, I started to unpack my clothes into my old dresser from my apartment.

We definitely needed new bedroom furniture, but now was not the time for that. I opened my second bag and began to put the clothes away, until I stumbled across a maternity dress I had bought just before the trip. It was a beautiful coral and hit just below the knee. I planned on wearing it as soon as I started to show more. I threw it across the room onto a chair in frustration, hoping I had saved the receipt. Just then Niall walked in, his suitcases in his arms.

“Your mom left to get us some groceries. Said she’d be back in an hour.” His eyes were bright red and puffy from the crying. I nodded and put away the rest of my things. He started to unpack some t-shirts from his bag, but soon stopped. “I think I’m going to stay with Harry for a bit. You and your mom should have this time to yourselves.” I closed my bag and looked at him.

“But Niall…I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay with me.” I reached for his hand but he snapped his away. I started to grow angry. “What the fuck, Niall? Every time I go to touch you, you freak out as if I’m some pedophile. I’m your girlfriend for fuck’s sake. I’m your girlfriend and I want to be with you.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, a sign that meant I was the problem.

“I just need to go, okay? Don’t question it. I’ll be back in a couple days. Enjoy having your mum around, okay?” He closed the suitcase he was unpacking and got up. Taking both bags with him, I watched him leave the room and heard the front door close as he left.

This house was no longer a home.

Wanting to get everything off my mind, I started to unpack some of the boxes in the bedroom. I managed to find two pillows, some sheets, and my comforter so I could make the bed properly. The front door opened, and my mom called up to me. I came downstairs and helped her put away the groceries. She asked where Niall was, but I made up an excuse that he and the band needed to do a few things. I helped make a bed for her in the spare room, even though I wanted her to sleep with me in mine. I needed someone there to stop the nightmares. She had bought a rotisserie chicken at the store, and made it for us for dinner. It was the first time I’d actually fully eaten anything. By the time we looked at the clock, it was already past ten o’clock. My mother kissed me goodnight and I was off to sleep.

-----

“Mommy!” The cry of a small child woke me up in the middle of the night. My eyes darted around the room in a panic, but there wasn’t anybody there. I felt something warm by my legs, and threw off my covers in fear. It was then I noticed I had wet the bed.

“Mom,” I tried to cry out, but my voice was weak with fear and shame. My mother still heard me, and came rushing up the stairs.

“What’s wrong, Cat?” She was short of breath and only had one slipper on. I pointed to my bed as I started to cry, falling onto the chair that still had my dress lied over it. She saw what had happened and quick took the sheets off the bed. “Don’t worry, sweetie. Mommy can fix this.” Her voice was shaky and I knew she wanted to cry.

I got up and hugged her, my mother holding me tight. I whimpered into her shoulder while she cried softly, not wanting to upset me even more. I was so embarrassed. Not only did I wet the bed, the first time in probably fifteen years, but I was also imagining voices in my head. She pet my hair and led me to the bathroom, running a shower for me. I stripped myself of my clothes and got in. By the time I got out, there were fresh sheets on the bed and a pair of clean pajamas waiting for me. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

-----

My mother stayed with me a week, and I finally convinced her to go back home after the last box was unpacked. I told her I was fine, and to some degree I was. Niall stayed away the entire time, and, from his lack of contacting me, I didn’t think he’d be returning anytime soon. I hadn’t heard from any of the boys actually, only Naomi and Kim. They came over a couple of times to help unpack, but I didn’t feel like talking about what happened. It was too hard on me. However, I was down to only two pills a day. I got the refill just in case, but I felt that pretty soon I wouldn’t need them at all. I kept them in the nightstand by my bed just in case I had another hallucination in the middle of the night. As I was watching TV in the living room one miserable afternoon, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it and was shocked to see who was standing outside.

“Hi, Charlie. Can I come in?” Liam asked me and I moved out of the way so he could enter. I closed the door and walked back into the living room, sitting down and turning off the TV. Liam sat next to me on the couch, his eyes focused on his hands. When he finally did look up, I saw worry in his eyes. “I need to talk to you about Niall.” I blew air from my nose and rolled my eyes.

“If I knew who he was then I could help. Unfortunately, I haven’t talked to him in awhile. Sorry.” He shook his head and continued.

“I know you haven’t, Charlie. He’s been staying with Harry, going back to his old ways. But this time...this time is different. He’s been going to the tattoo parlor with Harry and Zayn a lot, and just yesterday he came back with a white patch on his chest. I remember him telling me that he was done getting tattoos after the shamrock, and the fact that he has another one now makes me worried. And here’s the strangest part: he told us we can’t talk to you; not in person, by phone, or by text. He doesn’t want any of us to be in contact with you, and I have no fucking clue why. You need to talk to him.” When Liam swore I know he was serious. Niall didn’t want the boys talking to me? What the fuck. I wasn’t a God damn leper for crying out loud.

“I’ve tried, Liam. I’ve called him quite a few times but he doesn’t answer. I can try again, but I guess he just wants to be away from me for now. I know how he’s feeling because I feel the same; I just wish I could help.” I wiped the tears from eyes and Liam rose from his seat.

“Please try. I know I shouldn’t be here, but he was passed out from being drunk so I felt like now was the only time. I don’t know what else to do. We need to fix him.” He walked towards the front door and I followed him. He turned to hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek before opening the door. “Don’t forget about my note, Charlie.” He walked towards the car waiting for him and I closed the door to the world. Liam wrote me that note when I first came back to LA: Don’t let him slip away. The words haunted me and I grabbed my cell phone from the kitchen counter and dialed my boyfriend.

He answered on the fourth ring, sounding groggy and pissed off. “Yeah?” was all he said while I chewed off my nails in anticipation of the worst.

“Why haven’t you talked to me, Niall? I’ve tried, I’ve really fucking tried and you haven’t. What have I done? I’m trying to make things better, but I’ve fucking run out of ideas, okay?” I heard him sigh before he spoke.

“I don’t want to fucking talk to you, okay? When I do all I want to do is cry. I can’t deal with you right now, Charlie. I need some space to think things over. I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

“No, Niall. It’s not fucking okay. I know you’re upset, but so am I. Don’t you fucking get it? I feel the hurt, too. You can at least have the decency to talk to me. I’m stuck in this house all by myself because you can’t grow a pair and own up to your feelings. You tell me you could never hate me, yet you can’t even look me in the fucking eyes, Niall. Why? Just fucking tell me why!” I was shouting at this point, hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

“Because every time I look at you I see her.” He hung up the phone and I dropped mine into my lap, howling out tears. How could this be happening to me? I wanted nothing more to see my boyfriend, but when he saw me he saw our unborn daughter. I slammed my fists on the tile and tried to force myself to stop crying.

I felt my phone buzz with a text, and looked at it through tear-filled eyes. Can I come over? I want to talk. It was a text from Dylan. I replied yes.

Comments

Oh my gosh! The ending has left me crying! This story is filled with too much tragedy!

Just read the first chapter... USC? Sounds like the you are talking about University of South Carolina

Oh my god my heart feels broken!! You are such a great writer, I almost felt like I was experiencing the pain. I hope Niall and Charlie are together with their baby in heaven!! Great job on the story write another Niall story!! This time where they live lol!!

sniff niall died sniff nooooooooooooo! I loved it!, until niall died. I cried for hours! ur a very phenomiNIALL writer! read my story through the dark.its the one with the lyrics except they r about niall.

i just finished reading this and im a mess! you are a really talented writer :) i loved it